by Garza, Amber
“Protecting me? By attacking my friend?”
“Some friend.”
“You hurt her, Wesley.”
“She was telling lies about me.”
“Who cares?”
“I care. I care what you think of me.”
His words caught me off guard. Could it be that he really did this because he cared about our relationship?
“I haven’t always been there for you, Kenzie. I want to make up for that.”
I softened. “I appreciate that, really I do.”
“Rhiannon’s not a good friend to you. She’s trying to poison you against me.”
“I understand why you were upset. But I don’t need you to beat people up for me, okay?”
“I’ll work on it.”
Satisfied with his response, I nodded. So what if he lost his temper? I knew he only thought he was helping me. Honestly, I was touched by how much he cared.
“You coming to church this morning?” Grandma asked.
“No.” I sat on the couch, flipping through a magazine. Sunlight streamed in through the window, painting yellow stripes on my legs.
“Why not?”
“It’s just not my thing, okay?”
“I thought you liked it.”
“Well, I don’t.”
Grandma sat next to me, a worried look etched on her face. She smelled like detergent and flowers. “What’s going on with you, Kenzie?”
“Nothing. I just don’t want to go. Why is it such a big deal?”
“It’s not just that. You’ve been acting strange for a couple of weeks now and then there was that whole thing with Rhiannon last night.”
“I told you that wasn’t my fault. What? You don’t believe me?”
She bit her lip and her coral lipstick stained the bottom of her teeth.
I shook my head in frustration. “See, I knew it. Wesley was right. Nobody else believes in me.”
Grandma cocked her head to one side. “Who’s Wesley?”
“He’s my dad,” I answered without thinking. Then I clamped my mouth shut, mentally cursing myself.
“Your dad? Kenzie what are you talking about?”
“Nothing. That’s not what I meant. Wesley’s no one. Just a friend.”
Grandma put her hand over my trembling one. “Look, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.”
I nodded. “You better get going. Don’t want to be late for church.”
“I can stay if you want.”
“No, I’m fine.”
She shot me one last worried glance before walking out the door.
“Wow, I thought she’d never leave.”
I gasped, startled at Wesley’s appearance. I didn’t know when I’d ever be used to him doing that. The room darkened.
“I told you all those Christians are the same. They only care about one thing and that’s getting people saved. If you’re not, they think something’s wrong with you. They’re the most intolerant, hypocritical people in the whole world.”
I bristled at the comment. “Well, I’m sure that’s not true of all of them.”
Wesley chuckled. “Why? You think that boyfriend of yours is any different. Tell me, where’s the first place he ever took you?”
“Sutter Street.”
“Okay, after that.”
“Miniature golfing.”
“With?”
I sighed. “His youth group.”
“Bingo. You should’ve listened to that Brooke girl. She knew what she was talking about.”
“He said she was just jealous.”
“Oh please. She was telling you the truth. All that guy cares about is getting you saved. ”
Angry, I stood. “I don’t have to listen to this.”
“So, you think he loves you no matter what, is that it?”
I turned to him, putting my hands on my hip. “Yes, actually.”
He approached me, his lips curling in an evil smile. “Think he’ll still love you when he sees these?” He pointed to my scars.
I hugged myself, covering the scars with my fingers. Shame burned through me.
“Or what about when he finds out about me? Think he’ll love you then?”
No.
I bit my lip, stared hard at my feet.
“That’s what I thought. Christians judge people like you and me. If he knew you were a cutter he’d want you to stop, to be perfect like he thinks he is. But there’s nothing wrong with cutting.”
My head snapped up at that. “What?”
“Yeah, if it makes you feel better I say do it.” He shrugged. “You should do whatever you want. That’s what life’s all about.”
I stood in front of the mirror, running the brush through my hair. My eyes were bloodshot and ringed with blue circles. I hadn’t been sleeping well. After fishing through my makeup bag, I retrieved some concealer and Visine. Using both succeeded in making me look a little less tired. Swiping some blush on my cheeks and gloss on my lips perked my face up even more. I spun in a circle, taking in my tank top and jean shorts. They hugged a little tighter than they used to. Grandma fed me a lot better than Mom ever did.
“Uh-oh.” Wesley materialized. “Better watch it or your boyfriend will be searching for a new girlfriend.”
Offended, I scoffed at him. “Isaac said I would be beautiful no matter what size I was.”
“And you believed him? Wow, you are gullible.” “Why would he lie about that?”
“Guys say whatever they can to get in a girl’s pants.”
“I thought all Isaac cared about was getting me saved. Isn’t that what you said yesterday?”
Black flashed in his eyes. “That’s true, but even as righteous as he is he’s still a guy and all guys think about is sex. Believe me, I’m a guy. I know. It’s the only thing we care about.”
“Isaac isn’t like that.”
“Oh, what? He’s perfect.”
“Pretty close.”
“Man, you are naïve. You really believe your dating the one perfect male in the whole world. He’s really got you wrapped around his finger. I should hang out with this guy, get some pointers.”
“Why are you being so mean?”
“I’m not.” Wesley came to stand next to me, filling the rest of the mirror. “I just want to help you. I know how you can keep that boyfriend of yours and I know that’s what you want.” He walked over to my dresser, plucked up one of my magazines. He opened it to a spread of models, all rail thin. “This is every guy’s fantasy. Any guy who says different is lying. Trust me.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, snatched the magazine from his fingers. They were gorgeous, if not a bit anorexic looking. Glancing back in the mirror I sucked in my stomach. From this vantage point I resembled the models a little. I let my stomach fall back into place and groaned. Who was I kidding? The only thing about me that even sort of resembled those models was my drawn, tired face.
Discouraged, I dropped the magazine like it was on fire. It fluttered to the ground.
“Don’t be upset. You can look like those girls.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Sure you can. Just stop eating.”
Exasperated, I crossed my arms over my chest. “Just stop eating? That’s your advice? I can’t do that. I’m not a spirit like you. I have to eat or else I’ll die.”
“I’m not saying you should never eat again. Just eat a lot less. You think those models eat three full meals a day with snacks? No. They probably only eat a couple of times a day.”
He did have a point. I suppose I could try to cut back. What could it hurt?
Over the next few days I scarcely ate and was pleased to see my clothes fitting a little baggier. It would’ve been amazing except for Grandma’s nagging. She watched me like a hawk, hovering whenever I ate. I imagined her tallying how many bites I took, calculating the number of calories.
Finally one night
at dinner she slammed down her fork in frustration. “Okay, Kenzie. Why aren’t you eating? It’s really concerning me.”
“What are you? The food police?”
“Drop the attitude, okay? It’s not becoming.”
“Sorry.” I lowered my gaze, picked at the rice on my plate.
“Something’s going on with you. You’re not sleeping. You’re not eating. I’m worried.”
“Well, don’t be. I’ve just gained a few pounds since I’ve been here and I’m trying to drop them. It’s not that big a deal. Everyone diets.”
“But, Kenzie, you don’t need to. You’re thin already.”
“I’m not.” I peered down at my stomach, cringed at the fat rolls.
“Yes, you are.”
“You’re my grandma. You’re supposed to say that and I appreciate it, but it’s not true.”
“It’s because of those magazines you’re looking at all the time, isn’t it?”
“What’s wrong with wanting to look like a model? They’re gorgeous.”
“They’re anorexic. It’s not realistic to try to look like that. Please, Kenzie, I need you to start eating more.”
I nodded, not wanting to argue.
“Promise me you’ll stop starving yourself?”
“Okay.” I crossed my fingers behind my back.
15
When I saw her standing in the middle of Grandma’s living room I almost had a heart attack. Which I know seems strange based on all the surprises I’d endured over the summer, but never in my life did I think my mom would show up at Grandma’s. Even more bizarre was that she was talking with Grandma like they were old friends.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Kenzie, is that any way to greet your mother?” Grandma scolded me.
Mom gave me a clumsy embrace. “Hey. It’s good to see you.”
“It’s definitely a surprise,” I said as we disentangled. “How come neither of you told me about this?”
Mom shot Grandma a wary look. In return the older woman gave her a subtle nod. My stomach knotted. Something weird was going on here.
“Kenzie, why don’t we go sit down and have a chat,” Mom said in an all too cheery voice while sporting a pasted on smile.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Not until someone tells me what’s going on.”
“What? Your mom can’t just pay you a visit?” Mom asked.
“Is that what this is, just a visit?”
Mom shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, bit her lip.
“Come on, let’s just all go sit down and I’ll make us some tea,” Grandma said, spreading her arms like she was herding cattle.
I followed reluctantly and planted myself on the couch. Mom sat across from me, crossing her legs and cracking her knuckles. Now I knew it was bad. She only did that when she was extremely nervous. Grandma returned and set steaming cups of tea in front of us. I threw her a quizzical look. Why were we drinking hot tea when it was one hundred degrees outside? This whole thing was becoming more and more bizarre.
“Mackenzie,” Grandma started. “I’m going to be completely honest with you. Your mom is here because I asked her to come. I found out what you’ve been up to and I really thought your mom needed to be here to handle things.”
My chest tightened and I found it hard to breathe. How much did she know? “What are you talking about?”
“This.” Grandma revealed my Ouija board. She held it between her fingers like a dirty rag.
Betrayal slapped me in the face. “You’ve been snooping in my room?”
“I’m sorry but after what happened the other night with Rhiannon and the fact that you’re not eating anymore, I had to find out the truth. So I talked to Rhiannon and found out what’s been going on.”
“You talked to Rhiannon?” More betrayal. Anger pulsed through my body.
“I was worried about you and so was she.”
“She’s the one who started it!”
“I know and she feels terrible about it.”
Yeah, I’ll bet. She’ll feel even worse when I get my hands on her.
“I know you’re upset,” Mom interjected. “But we just want to help you. We’re here for you, Kenzie.”
“Well, it’s about time.”
Mom’s head spun like she’d been smacked. “That’s not fair. I’ve always been there for you.”
“Yeah, when it’s convenient.”
“That’s not true. It’s difficult being a single parent. I had to be both mom and dad to you. I know I wasn’t perfect but I did the best I could.”
“Well, I guess your best wasn’t good enough.”
Mom blinked hard, fighting back tears. I felt a little guilty for making her cry.
Grandma broke in. “Being a mom is a hard job. All moms make mistakes. Sometimes we think we’re doing the best thing for our children and it turns out to be the wrong thing.” She looked pointedly at Mom and I realized they were having some sort of moment.
I bit my lip and played with the hands in my lap. I felt like I was encroaching on their privacy.
“Grandma’s right. Sometimes moms don’t always know what’s best but that doesn’t mean we don’t love our children. I get that now. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, Kenzie.”
“I’d be happy if I had a dad.”
Mom sighed. “Well, then you’re angry with the wrong person. I wish your dad had been there for you. I really do, but I had no control over that. It was his decision.”
“No, it wasn’t. He said it was your fault.”
Mom raised her brows. “You’ve talked to him? When?”
I couldn’t tell her. She’d never understand.
“I haven’t. I was lying. I just thought it would get you to talk.”
Mom eyed me skeptically. Grandma sipped her tea. I averted my gaze, staring at my feet.
“I’m sorry for never telling you the truth about your dad,” Mom said. “But I’m ready to now.”
“Really?” My heart sped up and my palms moistened.
“Yes.” Mom swallowed hard. “I should’ve probably told you a long time ago but I thought I was doing the right thing by not. Besides, I knew it would be painful for me to talk about.”
Grandma reached over to pat Mom’s knee. Mom shot her a weak smile.
“I met your dad at a party. He was so cute and I liked him instantly. I thought he really liked me too. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. After that we started talking on the phone and met up at parties a couple of times. I wasn’t allowed to date so when Mom found out about David she told me I couldn’t see him or talk to him anymore. I was angry so one night I snuck out to spend time with him.” Mom’s eyes misted over. “It was a mistake. I really thought he liked me but apparently he was only after one thing. When I wouldn’t give it to him he forced himself on me.”
I thought about what Wesley said about guys only thinking about sex. Apparently, he wasn’t that far off. I released the breath I’d been holding. My stomach rolled, bile rose in my throat. Thoughts of Caleb filled my mind—the urgency of his touch and the vileness of his words. I was lucky it didn’t go farther. Mom hadn’t been that lucky. I saw Grandma turn her face away, dabbing her eyes with a wadded up tissue.
“Soon after, I found out I was pregnant. At first I didn’t tell David. I didn’t think he had a right to know. He’d stolen from me. He was a monster. I didn’t think he should have the privilege of knowing you. But after you were born and you started asking questions about your dad I realized it wasn’t fair for me to make that decision for you. So, I found him. I told him he had a daughter.” Mom looked down at her lap, sniffed. “He called me a lot of names, told me to never contact him again. I’m sorry, Kenzie.”
The room spun. No, it couldn’t be true.
“Mom, is he dead now?”
“No, why do you keep asking that?”
I looked over at the Ouija board. Mom followed my gaze and her eyes widened with
understanding. Her hand flew to her mouth.
“Oh no, Kenzie. Were you trying to channel your dad on that board?”
I nodded, guilt filling me.
“Kenzie, I know for a fact that your dad is alive.”
“How?”
“I’ve seen him.”
My mouth dropped open. Then who was Wesley? How did he know my dad?
“When?” I asked.
“Recently. He got in contact with me. We met for coffee a couple of times.”
I thought of what Haley said. It all made sense now. “Why did he get in touch with you? What did he want?”
Please say me. Please say me.
“He wanted money.”
I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. “What?”
“I’m sorry, Kenzie. He’s a druggie. I guess he’d run out of other people to ask for money so he sought me out.” She laughed bitterly. “He was trying to blackmail me into giving him money. Clearly he didn’t realize how broke I am.”
Tears pricked my eyes. The world crashed in on me.
“I’m so sorry.” Mom reached for me but I pushed her away. I couldn’t handle sympathy right now. All I wanted was a razor to cut myself and relieve all this pain. Peeling myself off the couch, I stumbled down the hallway. Tears blurred my vision. When I entered my bedroom, I flung myself down on the bed and sobbed loudly into my pillow.
I sensed him the minute he entered the room. An icy chill brushed against my back, the scent of fire filled the room. Sitting, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and the snot from my nose. He stood near the door wearing my dad’s face and body. Fear licked up my spine, spread through my limbs like wildfire.
“You lied to me,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
“I guess I can ditch the disguise then.” Out of his head grew two horns, his nose protruded out into a snout, his mouth filled with razor sharp teeth, his eyes turned black and scales covered his skin. Two arms sprouted out of his chest, ripping through his shirt, which landed on the floor in a pile near his pants. A low growl erupted as he hunched over, whipping around a large scaly tale.
I backed into the wall, tremors ripping through my body. Just as I opened my mouth to scream, he pounced up on my bed. A huge claw clamped over my throat stealing my breath and crushing my esophagus.
“I’ll let go of you if you promise not to scream.” His voice was gravelly and deep, so unlike the voice he normally used. “We wouldn’t want Granny and Mother-Dearest to come in here. Then I’d have to hurt them and we wouldn’t want that, would we?”
