by Joanne Hill
Ethan rubbed his chin with a weariness that just aged him a few decades. “Yeah. Something like that.” He grimaced. “I need to think. I don't know...” He stabbed the air where Sage had left. “That woman infuriates the heck out of me.”
“Clearly.” Jack slapped him across his back. “Stay the night. I'm heading out to the airport in the morning. You can take me and Eric out.”
“Sounds like a deal. Although...” He gestured up the stairs and lowered his voice. “I'm not killing anything between you and Robyn — am I?”
Jack glanced up to the next floor. No. He shook his head. Ethan wasn't killing anything.
And in a few hours Robyn and the twins would be heading back across the harbor bridge to her place, her life, and he'd be on a flight to Canada where he would try and convince a woman he didn't know that his son was better off living with her than with him, his own flesh and blood.
For a moment, his breath hitched in his throat as the memories of the past few days came back. Holding Eric as he'd shared the grief. Being with him at the pet show. Watching him sleep. His own child.
And Robyn. With him when he went up to Kopane, when he broke the awful news to Eric. Her presence in his house. The life she had brought into it. Every single damn thing about her.
But that had been mere weeks. A grain of sand in a lifetime. And even more, Robyn had made no bones about the fact that a physical relationship was out of the question.
No. Ethan wasn’t getting in the way. Because despite the way he felt about Robyn, there wasn't and never had been anything to kill.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Robyn slept badly. It wasn't the prospect of Sage and Ethan. She didn't know what that even was.
It wasn't even Eric going home to face whatever he'd find.
It was because Jack was going and this was the end.
The morning was busy, checking and packing, with Ethan moping around and asking when Sage was coming back.
Robyn had told him if he wanted to know he could phone her, she was in the book; but Ethan had just muttered under his breath and stalked off down to the beach.
He was back in time to take Eric and Jack to the airport.
They were really going.
Ethan waited by his Hummer and Robyn stood next to it, Ruby clutching one hand and James holding on to the other for dear life.
The luggage had been stowed in the cab, and Jack came up to them, with Eric.
Robyn bent down, and held Eric to her and his arms came up behind her neck and she squeezed back. How quickly one could grow to love a person.
“Have a good flight,” she said, her voice shaking as she pulled away. He nodded quietly, and she thought, it was like this the day he’d arrived. So quiet and reserved. But he'd arrived believing he would be going back home to his mother.
She pushed back the lump in her throat. “Ruby’s got something for you.”
She stood back and gently propelled Ruby to the front.
Carefully, Ruby reached into her skirt pocket and pulled out a square of pink blanket, the size of a small handkerchief.
“It’s for Dudley,” Ruby said. “Your bear. To keep him warm cos Mommy said it’s cold in Canada.” She held it out to Eric.
Eric stared at it for a moment, his hand not moving.
“It’s his own blanket,” Robyn explained tentatively. It had been a rush job, a square of blanket cut and hastily stitched up to look like a mini blanket. Ruby had insisted she do it, insisted Eric would feel better if Dudley had his own blanky, even though her own was noticeably minus a square in one corner. In the end Robyn had thought it had looked all right.
Only maybe it didn’t. Maybe it was just rubbish. Maybe he wouldn’t want a pink blanket for his bear. He was a boy and maybe he thought it was just stupid.
He looked up then, and his eyes were blinking furiously, and his mouth trembling. Jack was blinking back tears in his eyes too.
He shot Robyn the weakest smile, and blinked some more.
“Do you like it?” Ruby's face was a frown, not understanding.
“Yes,” Eric said in a whisper, as he took the fabric in his hand, and touched it almost reverently. “I like it, Ruby. I like it a lot.”
Robyn wiped away the tears sliding down her cheeks, reached into her pocket for a tissue, and nudged Ruby.
“Go and give him a hug goodbye,” she whispered shakily, and Ruby went forward and put her arms around him, and James followed.
“Come on, Eric. In the truck,” Jack said finally, his voice thick and hoarse.
Eric climbed into the back seat, and while Ruby and James came over to peer through the window, Jack turned to Robyn.
Goodbyes. They sucked.
Jack stared at her and the hollow pit in her stomach just grew bigger.
He exhaled long and slow. “Robyn. I can never, ever thank you enough.” He stopped, visibly uncomfortable, shoved his hands in his pants pockets as he studied her. “These past weeks would have been...” He shook his head. “If you hadn't been here...” The look he gave her was long and intense and filled with everything he couldn’t put into words.
“I'm glad I was here.” Her voice sounded strange.
It had been hard in some ways, fun in others. She'd been glad to help out, glad that Ruby and James were there to be friends to Eric. Glad she'd gotten to know the real Jack Fletcher and had been able to set it apart from the myth of his teen years. The depth of her feelings though she was unprepared for. Even more, what leaving would mean because she knew her heart was going to break a little.
“What will happen after the funeral?”
He shook his head and glanced back at the truck where Ruby and James now had their noses pressed against the window, smudging the glass. Ethan looked as if he'd like to grab a loud haler and tell them to step away from the vehicle but he remained unmoving.
“None of us have any idea. I just know that...” He shook his head. “This is not the best place for Eric to be. He needs a mother. Not...”
Not a Fletcher. Not Jack Fletcher.
“You’ve done well, Jack.” Her voice was shaky.
The expression on his face said he didn’t believe her, and without hesitation, she reached up and put her arms round him.
Without pause his arms came around her, his face buried in her hair, in her neck, and she closed her eyes and let everything else just disappear as she embraced him.
Strength, tenderness, comfort, vulnerability.
She didn't want the moment to end. She held on, her heart pounding fast at the heat and the strength of his body, as the most amazing sense — was it peace? — settled over her. Amidst the feel of him and the scent of him, deep, deep peace flooded her, reassuring her, almost drug-like. She breathed out long and slow. It was a feeling unlike anything she’d ever known, so solid and so real that she breathed it in and didn’t want it to end.
A cough sounded and then again. Jack loosened his hold on her, and long seconds later, pulled back as Ethan gestured to his phone. “A truck lost its load on the bridge and they're down two lanes. We've got to leave ASAP.”
Jack nodded and Robyn took a step back as well.
The look he gave her was almost her undoing.
“Go,” she said, the words nearly catching in her throat.
Sixty seconds later they were gone, the twins waving furiously to Eric, the throaty hum of the truck sounding fainter as they headed away.
And then it was gone.
She braced herself for the feeling of grief as Ruby came over, slipped her hand in Robyn’s, and said, “Jack’s not our boyfriend any more, is he.”
She squeezed Ruby’s hand, tears building in her eyes. “He never was, Rubes.”
James ran inside the house, yelling he needed to go to the toilet, and Ruby suddenly let go of Robyn’s hand, yelled she needed to go more, and took off after him.
Robyn’s eyes blurred, as she turned around, back to the house, back to finish the packing. Sage would be here soon to dri
ve them home.
She glanced up at the clear, cloudless sky where in a couple of hours Jack would be in a 747 heading half way around the world. The feel of him was still with her, still on her.
She could still sense where his cheek had pressed against hers, and she reached up to touch her tingling skin as a realization swept over her. It hadn't been peace that had settled over her in that moment with Jack.
She'd been lying to herself, lying to herself for days.
It had been love.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
When they'd landed and cleared customs, Jack found the rental car booth, and the car he’d booked for the next few days.
Eric was subdued but keen to see Maria. Jack had learned that Maria had babysat Eric often over the past few months and as the rental pulled up in her driveway, she came out to join them.
Eric was barely out of the car before Maria embraced him. The picture said more than words. A woman hugging a child she knew and loved. Maybe they weren’t related but that didn't matter, not when Eric was back home.
Yeah. Jack drew in a shaky breath. Eric was home. Right where he was meant to be.
As she struggled to her feet, grief across her face, Maria took Jack's hand, gripped it firmly. “It's good to finally meet you, Jack.”
She suddenly pulled him to her in a hug, and his throat was abruptly thick with emotion. He couldn’t comprehend what it must have been like these past weeks, when she’d been with Val, watching her die, then holding her dear friend as she’d breathed her last.
“I've got coffee brewing.” She beckoned inside her house. “We've got a lot to get up to speed on.”
Over coffee and muffins, she told Jack more about Val's illness as he tried to comprehend her thinking. Eric was out of hearing; exhausted, he'd fallen asleep on Maria’s bed. “Val told me she wanted Eric to get to know you and for him to meet you before she passed.”
He lifted his shoulders in confusion. “It was a heck of a risky plan. Sending her son away in the last weeks of her life.” Diabolical, the more he considered it. “You didn't try and talk her out of it?”
“Heck, yeah.” She gave a wry grin. “You better believe I did. But she eventually sold me on you and I had to go along with her wishes.”
“Did you know that Val and I barely knew each other? How could she base her son's future on one weekend eight years ago?”
“Technically, it wasn't one weekend. It was the last few months. You're not exactly low profile, Jack. We Canadians can use a computer, you know.”
His eyebrows shot up. “She researched me?”
“Val called it 'cyber stalking' which sounds worse actually. Look, she just —needed to know more about you, and she figured you were his father and that this was the time to get to know you.”
“Why not years ago? That's the thing I don't understand. Eight years is a hell of a long time to keep a secret like this.” He exhaled wearily. “And I wonder if it weren’t for the illness, would she ever have told me?”
Maria buttered a muffin and said, “I don’t fully understand her thinking. Back then, when she was pregnant, I guess you were more of an unknown quantity. She said you were a hot-as-hell go-getter who wouldn’t want anything to do with a kid. And let’s face it,” Maria breathed a shaky breath, “she didn't think she'd have to be planning a funeral at thirty years old. She didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, and she craved independence. That's why she left home to try and make it when she did.” She stood up from her seat to refill their cups with hot coffee and said, “I was the back up. I was Val’s oldest friend. We went to school together, reconnected when Eric was born, and even though she moved around a lot, we kept in touch. That’s why she moved back here when she got the diagnosis. I promised her I'd take care of Eric and she would never have to worry about his future. I've got two kids at school, and they played together a lot, liked each other. I’d make it work.”
He managed a slight smile. “So you were ‘on the table’ so to speak?”
She nodded. “But I told her to go with her gut and she did. And from what I see so far...Eric likes you. He maybe even loves you.”
Jack nearly spluttered in his coffee. “Time will tell,” he ground out. He still believed Eric was better off here with his friends. In his home. No matter what Val had whimsically stipulated in her will, common sense dictated that here, in this suburb of Toronto, this was the right place to be.
Maria eyed him speculatively. “I guess time will tell.”
The funeral was short. Maria cried. Eric cried.
Jack cried. Or at least, didn't bother to stop the tears sliding down his cheeks. He had never wept tears like this in his entire life.
After, as he said goodbye to his mom, the tears came freely for Eric as he sobbed, and Maria took him in her arms, as she closed her own eyes and told him, it was going to be okay.
Jack couldn't do that because he didn't know if it all was going to be okay.
Then they went back to Val’s house, to his home.
Eric went to his room and looked through his possessions, pulled out toys, books, photos, clothes.
And Jack's heart broke at what he must be feeling.
Finally, he followed Eric into Val's room, and they stood and looked at the empty bed.
Eric glanced around a long moment. “It's tidy,” he said in a low voice. “Mom didn’t worry about things being tidy.”
Maria, standing behind them, said, “Yeah, I tidied it up when your mom was in hospital. She wanted some of her favorite things with her.” She gestured to an empty spot on a bookshelf. “She had that photo of you with her, the one of you and her when you’d been on the log flume at the park and you were soaking wet? She looked at it all the time.”
Eric turned away.
Jack’s chest was so heavy he didn’t think he could stand it. He glanced at his watch. It was nearly five o’clock and although he wasn’t starving, the idea of sitting in a takeaway place or a restaurant held a lot of appeal.
He said, “Listen, have you got a favorite place around here to grab something —” He stopped. Favorite was probably the worst place to take a child if it was going to just make him think of time he'd spent there with his mom.
Memories of the life he would never have again.
“There's a new pizza place opened down the road,” Maria said, seeming to realize what Jack was thinking. “You like pizza, Eric?”
“It's his favorite,” Jack said.
He reached out, gripped Eric's shoulder gently. “You feel like pizza?”
Eric nodded but he mumbled, “I'm not very hungry.”
“Never mind,” Jack told him. “Maybe you'll feel like eating when we get there.”
They went out to the new restaurant, ordered pizza and cola, and the delicious smells of herbs and garlic seemed to rouse their appetites.
Maria and Jack made small talk, but there wasn't a lot they could say when Eric was there.
I cannot do this, Jack kept thinking, reaffirming the mantra that hadn’t let up. I can not be a father. I can not raise a child.
All the money and childcare in the world wasn’t going to make it happen. I can’t do it.
He closed his eyes, and willingly pictured Robyn as he’d last seen her, imagined what she would do if she were here. Just her being alongside him would have made it all so much easier. Would have eased those niggling fears.
His eyes snapped open. Man up, Fletcher. You can’t keep looking to Robyn to solve everything.
Because when it came down to it, he'd only had himself to worry about his whole life. No one else. Ever.
It had just been him and no dependents.
And why was he still obsessing over it, when he didn't have to do it now? He watched Maria as she talked to Eric. Maria would do it. She'd raise the boy. She loved him; she had a son of her own.
His gaze slipped back to Eric and at that moment, Eric looked at him and there was something amidst the sadness, and the grief that made him stop.
Made his heart tug.
Made him realize that there was no doubt. He loved his son. That he liked having him around. Shit.
“Dad,” Eric said suddenly.
It was the first time he'd called him ‘Dad’ since they’d landed. Jack swallowed, barely able to speak. He just nodded.
Eric said, “When can we go home?”
Jack’s heart jolted. He wanted to go back to his mom’s already. He shut his eyes against the sudden, unexpected surge of hopelessness that swept through him. So his son didn’t even want to spend a few minutes at a pizza place with his old man?
“You sure you don’t want some more dinner?” He gestured to the pizza, tried to ignore the solid ache in his chest.
Eric shook his head, and Jack said, “Okay. Then we’ll go back to your mom’s now.”
Eric looked confused. “No,” he said. “I mean, when can we go home? Back to your house.”
“My house?” Jack repeated slowly. Now it was his turn to be confused.
Eric nodded, just stared at him, his eyes wide, sad.
“You mean...” Jack swallowed. “You want to go back to my place in Auckland? You want to go back with me?”
Eric nodded.
Jack was still confused, still unsure. Did Eric want to be with him, Jack, or did he think the twins and Robyn were there? And was he talking about living there, permanently, or just going back for a visit sometime?
He took a bite of his pizza, spent an age chewing. He swallowed, washed it down with cola. “Do you mean you want to live there all the time?” he said cautiously. “Because Robyn and the twins live somewhere else.” He picked off a slice of olive as nerves pounded him. “Do you still want to go when they’re not there?”
He glanced up in time to see Eric's eyes flash with something like panic. “I know they won’t be there but you will be. Won’t you?” His voice suddenly wavered. “Why wouldn’t you be there?”
“Of course, I'll be there.” He leant over and ruffled his hair because it seemed a father to son kind of gesture. Even if his own father had never done it. “Of course I'll be there.”
