by Suzie Carr
She stopped poking the tenderloin. “He cheated on me and never apologized for the initial tears I cried over it. So, I reciprocated and he didn’t care. Soul mates would never hurt each other like that and not care.” She returned to poking the tenderloin, flipping it over in the skillet with a fork.
I sliced down hard on the tomato and it squished under the pressure. So, I smashed it even more, chopping it, smacking it, pounding it. “I can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe she was my soul mate.”
She turned on the fan above the stove, then opened her seasonings cupboard and took out a container of Adobo rub. She sprinkled some on the chicken. “She is, honey.”
“I’ll never trust her again.”
“You’re just angry right now.”
“I’m so angry that I lost control over myself out in the yard. I wanted to punch a tree. I wanted to stomp my feet. I told her to fuck off. I’ve never told anyone to fuck off.”
“That’s what love will do to you,” Melanie said.
I stopped chopping. “How dare she come back into my life again knowing this would eventually have to come out? Were the two of them just going to skip around the idea that they have a kid together?”
General scooted up to Melanie and sniffed the air. She plucked up a small piece of chicken, blew on it and dropped it in his mouth. He smacked his lips together, chewing the inch cube like he would chow down on a massive piece of juicy steak. “I don’t think either one of them had a clue how to handle this.” She turned back to her chicken, browning it in its apple cider juice. “Don’t leave out the cucumbers, please.”
I chopped those cucumbers and tore the head of lettuce into shards quickly. We chowed down listening to Barry White under the watchful eye of General, who took up residence on my left foot. His eyes never left my food. I stuck firmly to good health for all animals, but I also understood the complexity of wanting something you shouldn’t be wanting and how if you didn’t stymie that with an indulgence from time to time it could consume everything. I tossed General a few bites of my chicken. I couldn’t help myself.
“If Phil ever hid something like this from you, wouldn’t you hate him?”
“I couldn’t hate Phil.”
I rolled my eyes. “Do you love him?”
“Love is fleeting to me. Some days I give in to the emotion. Other days I’m preoccupied with other pressing stuff.”
“You’re just afraid to commit because you’re still interested in finding out if someone better will come along.”
“Life’s too short to get tied down to one person. That’s my philosophy. I love Phil in the moments I’m with him. When he’s not around, I love other things like the trees, the bees, Mozart. Love isn’t one of those feelings you can ever run out of. I can love whatever is present right now, not back when or way in the future. Right now.”
General snapped a piece of chicken from her fingertips. “Yes, by right now, I mean you, General.” She bent over and kissed his dry nose. “I’m going to treat that little spot for you in a little bit.”
He licked his nose and sat down, perched and ready for another scrap to hit the floor.
~ ~
I couldn’t get Chloe out of my mind and this pissed me off. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw her sunny smile, felt her warm hugs and soft breath on my face, and heard her flirty whispers. She taunted me. How did I ever allow her to gain so much control over me again?
I caressed the anger. Whenever thoughts of her roamed freely and clenched my desires, I willed the anger back into being. She would not hurt me again. The anger served as my guide and helped me to focus. Without it, I could easily sink into a lonely, dark place void of colors, of butterflies, of cute puppy dogs, of sneaky cats, of purpose. Anger, my tool of choice, my loyal companion who stood tall and carved a path through thickets and brambles, primed my path in the past and would still in my future. Anger was my fuel to get through the day, to justify my presence in the world, to drive me forward so I wouldn’t get left behind in the muck of bad memories, of poor choices, of misguided actions.
I could live this way forever. Nothing would change my resolve. Nothing. I meditated on this thought most seconds of the day, calling it into being so it permanently engrained itself in my subconscious framework.
Then, Chloe called.
My heart galloped, my head buzzed, my toes and fingers tingled. I inhaled deeply and ignored the ringing. I let her call go to voicemail. Meanwhile, I sat at my office desk and hyperventilated as I waited for the ding, hoping it would come, pretending with no success that I didn’t care.
Then, my cell dinged, notifying me of the message.
~ ~
Chloe tracked down Jacqueline. She researched one trail after another and landed at Philadelphia airport three days prior. She rented a car, drove to Jacqueline’s house, and discovered that the reason she had not messaged me back after all of this time had nothing to do with her not wanting to speak with me or Melanie, but rather because she didn’t even know such a message sat in her inbox.
Instead of coasting along pretty country roads with her dog, Penny, in the sidecar next to her, and later posting pictures for stalkers like me to find, Jacqueline was busy running from one appointment to the next getting chemo beads shot into her failing liver as a last-ditch effort to save her life.
“She says she’s going to be fine, that the chemo treatment is working, and soon she’ll be back up to riding. She wants to see Melanie,” Chloe told me later when I caved in for Melanie’s sake and called her back.
I listened with great restraint, protecting myself from her soft voice, her perfectly executed inflections, her kindness for taking this upon herself. She led me with open-ended questions and I followed with short snaps. The friction mounted in her voice, and I blocked it out with extreme success. We were just two women helping a couple of deserved women to reconnect under dire circumstances.
An hour later, I showed up at Melanie’s studio. She chomped on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with Phil on the sundeck. They laughed and carried on about Phil’s latest funny arrest involving a naked man by the lake whose wife had kicked him out of his house and forced him to drive without clothes.
This went on for an hour. Finally, Phil cleared our plates and left us alone.
“Jacqueline wants to see you.”
“What?” Her face flushed.
“Hey,” Phil said, coming back too swiftly with a couple of flavor packets in his hand. “Would any one of you ladies care to try this new strawberry zinger punch? You just toss them in your water.”
“Phil, let’s take a walk.” She stood, took Phil’s hand and started to walk away.
“Want to join us?” he asked me.
“She’s got to run, sweetheart.” Melanie pulled him. “No need to lock up, dear. Just close the storm door.”
Back in my car, I called Chloe, putting on another great performance of control in the wake of a soothing, friendly greeting. “She’s not interested.”
“No way,” she said. “We’ve got to get her interested. This poor lady could be dying. Did you tell her that?”
“And make the visit be out of pity?” I asked.
“Point taken.”
“I’m glad you understand.”
“I’ll let Jacqueline know,” she said, disappointment trailing her words. “I guess some things are just better left to fate.”
“Yeah, I suppose so.”
“Olivia?”
I caught my breath. “Yeah?”
“I miss you.”
I squeezed my free hand into a fist and kneaded it against my forehead. “If she changes her mind, I’ll let you know.”
~ ~
A day later, I cornered Melanie in the reiki room at the shelter. “Chloe talked to Jacqueline and she really wants to meet up with you.”
Melanie closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. “I’m not opening up that part of my life again.”
I tugged at her sleeve. “Hey, I understan
d. It’s unnerving. That’s a normal reaction.”
She opened her eyes. “Normal isn’t digging up the past and hoping everything will be just as you remembered it. Normal is living life presently, and presently I am happy with my life, with Phil, with my memories.”
“She’s dying.”
She collapsed onto her treatment table.
~ ~
Three days later, I faced reality for Melanie’s sake again. I agreed to meet up with Chloe and Ayla. We would drive to the airport together to pick up Jacqueline.
Ayla sat in the backseat curled up next to General. He panted and enjoyed the lavish praise, resting his front paw on her lap. Chloe drove. I rode shotgun.
“Melanie’s not thrilled with me right now,” I said trying to center the conversation around anything but us.
“They’ll both need this closure.”
“I hope you’re right.”
Chloe hightailed it towards the airport. “I’m glad that Ayla got to see General once last time before he goes home with his new family.”
Ayla hugged him. “I’m going to miss you so much, big boy. I wish my Aunt Marie wasn’t so afraid of dogs.” She kissed the top of his head and he burped. “Aw, you are such a goofball, General!” She pushed him and he responded by panting. “Are the people nice?” she asked me.
“They are,” I said. “I screened them myself. They’ve got lots of big trees in a fenced in yard and the mom will be home with him all day long. They are very excited to welcome him to their family. They’re vacationing in Florida until the end of the month and then he gets to go home with them.”
She wrapped an arm around him. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Me, too,” I said. General was the only dog I’d brought home with me at night for most of his duration at the shelter. I just couldn’t bear to leave him in his kennel when I left to go sleep in my comfortable bed. He was special. He acted like a human being sometimes the way he sat tall and scanned a room, the way he reciprocated a hug, the way he watched over me.
“Thanks for letting General tag along,” I said to Chloe. “Melanie loves him, and whenever he’s around its impossible for her to be anything but elated and loving.”
“Jacqueline adores dogs, so she’s excited to meet him.”
She snuck a glance in the rearview mirror. “You are not feeding him too much, I hope?”
I peeked and General smacked his lips together, chewing.
“It’s just one treat,” Ayla said. “Geez.”
We arrived at the Southwest passenger pickup point and Chloe pointed her out. She looked frail, bony, and pained. She dragged her wheeled luggage behind her and smiled when she saw Chloe.
“She looks like a corpse,” I said.
I climbed out to greet her. She smiled at me like she’d known me all of her life. “You must be Melanie’s friend, Olivia?” She opened her arms and welcomed me into her delicate embrace. She patted my back. I feared breaking her brittle bones.
I had her sit up front next to Chloe, and I climbed in next to General who sat in the center of the backseat with this chest bowed out, staring at the new car mate with a curious, relaxed eye.
I stared at the back of Jacqueline’s pink turban wrap, sad that I opened up this can of worms for my friend. I wished I could’ve texted her and warned her. I couldn’t, though, because she didn’t know how to text.
~ ~
Time knew no boundaries. Love knew no boundaries. Disease knew not what love could do to it. According to Melanie, love could heal souls, bodies, broken hearts and severed relationships. With love as the guide, anything was possible. The firestorms that once rained down on earth could not constrict the power in love. No force rivaled its great power. Love knew nothing about distance, about years, about lies, about pain, about sadness. Love only knew how to connect, how to lift, how to thrive. In love there was no void, no lag, no wrinkles, no fat, no disease that could outshine it.
When we arrived and Melanie took Jacqueline into her arms and held her, we all witnessed the true essence of love. Even Phil. He linked arms with me and cried, too, as we watched love fill a dying woman’s heart with life if even for that short moment in time. Even Ayla and General respected the moment and sat quietly on the front porch steps staring out at the bright blue sky that kept watch over this unadulterated slice of time.
~ ~
A week had passed by and Chloe had called several times to ask about the shelter operations. Each time, I dodged her calls. I emailed the answers to her questions instead. I wouldn’t allow the emotions of the past week to carry me away in a fog of stupidity. By week’s end, Chloe stopped calling with her silly questions. I managed to sidestep the empty feelings by pounding some old concrete patio bricks on the side of the existing shelter building with a rubber mallet. And, when that no longer worked, I hit the streets for a long jog.
Two weeks following her visit, Jacqueline landed in the hospital. Melanie and Phil rushed to her side. They rented a room at an inn and visited with Jacqueline every day for two weeks. When I received the call from Phil that Jacqueline would die any day, I picked up the phone and called Chloe. “She’s dying.”
Chloe dropped Ayla off at Josh’s. I dropped off General a few minutes later. My brother knelt down to pet General’s big head. “I guess you come along, too, huh?” General bathed him in a wet lick.
Ayla giggled and leaned in for one herself.
“The two of them are in good hands,” Josh said to us both.
~ ~
Chloe and I flew to Pennsylvania to be there for Melanie.
Jacqueline’s two sons stood on the other side of their mom’s bed, and Jacqueline’s dog, Penny, rested her head on her heart. Chloe and I stood in the hallway, amid the smell of anesthetics and air fresheners.
Phil placed his hand on the small of Melanie’s back, supporting her past and bracing for her future. Melanie leaned over the bed and whispered into Jacqueline’s ear. No doubt, she whispered Jacqueline’s words, until we meet again. Jacqueline opened her eyes wide, smiled at her, and then closed her eyes. A moment Melanie would surely relive in her mind for the rest of her life.
A few minutes later, surrounded by her children, her beloved Penny, and the woman she loved, Jacqueline LaFleur drew her last breath.
Chloe and I stood outside the hospital room and watched as Melanie broke down hugging Jacqueline for the last time. Phil’s hand remained on her back as she relinquished her sadness for the loss of a friendship, a lover, a decade or two of unborn memories. My friend heaved and sobbed releasing feelings she’d spent her whole life suppressing as she lived out her role as the healer instead of the one who needed healing.
Chloe cradled her arm around my waist and I resisted for as long as humanly possible before falling into her embrace. She hugged me and we sobbed.
~ ~
Later on, we picked up General and Ayla from Josh’s and headed back to the shelter. Ayla hugged General and broke down, clinging to him. “I wish you could’ve come to live with me.” She looked up at her mom.
“He’s going to a good home, sweetie.”
“He is,” I chimed in.
We left Ayla alone with him for a few more minutes. We walked back to my office so I could give Chloe a copy of the financials from the last month. I handed her a flash drive.
Our fingers touched, and I let mine linger.
“Thanks for inviting me to go,” she said, cradling my fingers.
I pulled back my hand. “It was the right thing to do.”
“The right thing to do?”
“Yes. The right thing to do,” I said matter-of-factly.
A question sat on her face. “Will you ever be able to let go of all of that anger?”
I stared at her, long and hard, trying to imagine a time in the future when I wouldn’t remember the past. I couldn’t help but judge from my jilted reference point. She lied. She cheated. She hurt me. “Probably not.”
She glared. “I’m done trying to prov
e to you that I am a good person. I screwed up. Well, so haven’t we all. I was eighteen, confused, and didn’t understand what regrets would come to mean in my life. I’m a grown woman now and I’ve got feelings. I won’t apologize for Ayla anymore. She is my daughter, and I love her and am proud of her. So, if you can’t deal with that, then I don’t know what to tell you. Your pride gets in the way. You’re not perfect, either, you know. You’re too stubborn to admit it.”
She ran off and I let her, too stunned to move, numb from my head to my toes.
Chapter Seventeen
Picking myself up and dusting off remnants from Chloe’s firestorm, I busied myself with the shelter. I scrubbed the kennels more. I walked each dog longer. I held the cats longer. I organized the pharmacy shelves. I trained Natalie and Trevor on assisting me as vet techs. I filled my days to the brim without any success of adding joy to it. Several weeks had passed since Chloe unleashed on me, and I still couldn’t erase the power, the control, and the command in her voice.
How dare she?
Line one rang. I ignored it.
How did things flip so fast? She wronged me yet, I fidgeted like the guilty one. I collapsed onto my futon couch and tossed a pillow over my head.
“Olivia,” Natalie sprang into my office. “Oh, are you okay?”
I peeked at her from under the pillow, protecting my eyes from her bright and cheery face. “Not now, Natalie. I have a headache.”
“Oh,” she rushed to my side and sat down. “Can I get you some tea?”
“No, just shut the light.”
“You have a phone call on line one.”
“Take a message.”
“Hmm. I don’t think so. You need to take this.”
“Of for goodness sakes,” I said, climbing to my feet. I picked up the phone and plopped in my chair. “This is Olivia.”
“Dr. Clark. Hi, this is Peter Dayal, we met a few weeks back about General?”
I sat up taller. “Yes, Mr. Dayal, welcome back from your trip.”
“Thanks,” he said, stretching his voice out.
“So, General is going to be so thrilled when he sees you. What day do you want to come by?”
