by He Han
Since he was coming here to visit the patient, Li Han decided that he would initiate the greetings.
Do you feel any better?
I hope you get better soon?
What medicine did you get prescribed and did they work after you took them?
Li Han thought that these words all seemed so weak and pathetic, he was a practical person who never said such idiotic and childish words.
After much consideration, he kindly said, “Why don’t you come to work tomorrow?”
“…” Ruan Yan looked at him with no expression whilst he calculated in his head how many years were still left on his labor contract and whether there was still time to rip it up.
Li Han lightly coughed, “So it seems like you can’t recover so quickly? Then just feel at ease and recuperate. You have to take your medicine and rest well, so you can be in good spirits when you come back to work. Here, this is the present I bought you.”
Ruan Yan flipped through the large bag he was given, inside there was a box of fruits, an iPad and a cute mask that had cat whiskers drawn on it.
Ruan Yan held the mask up with his finger, “President Li, what is the meaning of this?”
Li Han replied seriously, “It means to take strict precautions against the virus and to work in good health. You have to wear it when you go back to work, otherwise it won’t be good if I get infected with your virus. This mask also has a protection of PM2.5, it’s good for you.”
“…” If he terminated the labor contract beforehand, how much was the compensation for breach of contract again?
Ruan Yan stood up in disappointment, he picked out two apples from the box but he only peeled one and even cut it into pieces before placing it into a bowl and sticking in toothpicks. As for the other one, he just washed it with water and bit into it.
Li Han looked at him in surprise, “You don’t peel the skin off?”
Ruan Yan bit down with a crunch, “Too lazy to peel it, I’m not so particular about these things.”
Li Han picked up a slice of the pre-cut apple with a toothpick and felt a bit awkward. This person was sick himself and still tried his best to care about his personal likings. To take on the job of an assistant to such an extent, there were no problems to pick out anymore.
He suddenly felt touched. How could he still have the appetite to eat this apple. Li Han grabbed the half-bitten apple in Ruan Yan’s hand and gave him the pre-cut one, “You eat this one.”
After talking he was about to bite down onto the unpeeled apple when Ruan Yan stopped him, “Hey, hey, I’ve got a cold!”
“Oh.” Li Han clumsily cut off the part Ruan Yan bit with a knife, “Now it’s fine.”
Ruan Yan ate the apple while he secretly glanced at the other person through his peripheral vision. He thought to himself that even though this boss wasn’t ‘Mary Sue’, there were still a few good points about him so he would keep the contract for now.
Ruan Yan recovered and returned to being that all-powerful special assistant. He didn’t wear the mask inside the company building but he did put it on when he left the house.
Li Han instantly felt that the information was organised, the toilet paper was good and lunch tasted delicious again. Everything was perfect, it’s just that he was now left with a sequela —— as soon as Ruan Yan was more than ten steps away from him, he would feel all kinds of irritation and uncomfortableness. He wouldn’t be happy unless he tied the person to his side.
Li Han finished signing all the files quickly and once again brought up the previous topic, “Really, you should move to my building, otherwise it’s too inconvenient and too tiring to come and go from work everyday. The room opposite mine has already been rented out, there’s another room on the lower level.”
Ruan Yan took the file folder, and after checking that there’s no mistakes he ambiguously replied, “Oh.”
Li Han said, “Your current pay isn’t enough to buy a house, but you should be able to rent it.”
Ruan Yan hesitated for a second, “I’ll think about it.”
The large project on his hands was pretty much finished. QianHui Technology signed a contract with another large scaled gaming company. All of the other party’s VR helmets were about to get installed with the Dawn4 engine. After getting this commission down, the stocks were even pulled onto the ceiling, the entire company entered a period of rejoice and excitement. A special celebration party was even held.
At the celebration party, other than the routinely events of appraising and comparing outstanding employees and raffle tickets, some random person thought of adding an athletics competition. The prize was very mysterious and alluring, apparently it had something to do with a holiday trip overseas, thus attracted many employees to participate.
After working for a long time, Ruan Yan also really wanted to go on holiday, and so signed up for it, eager to give it a shot.
However, the competitions left him speechless.
Competition Event One: Carrying Coffee Cups.
The design of the challenge was very attractive. After the dye in the cup spills, whoever’s dye was closest to the stitch line of the inner thighs of the full body-sized pillow of the president wins. This tested people’s hand-eye coordination. After precise calculations, the stitch line was the best position to spill coffee. It wasn’t better if it was closer to crotch area because one could burn the president’s important body part.
Competition Event Two: Pretending to Fall Over
This competition was to see who could fall in the most graceful position, whilst having a desolate and helpless expression when doing so to cause others to take pity on you. During the competition, a bloke from the Technical Department fell after a 720 degree turn. That tactful cry, that painful and sad expression, even Ruan Yan couldn’t help but fall in love upon seeing it. However, in the end he lost on appearance to a fair, beautiful young lady who kindly accepted the highest score for this round of competition with a limp leg.
Competition Event Three: Slapping The Face
A competition for those brilliant at acting. It required competitors to set their own plot and perform a mind blowing scene with a sandbag president as their significant other half. Someone performed the ‘pushed against a wall’ scene with a drunk president. They used the sandbag president to push themselves onto the wall before slapping ‘him’ across the face and saying in shame and sadness, “Just what kind of person do you take me for!” This one received quite a high score, but it didn’t win. The winning performance was one about a girl’s third auntie’s second uncle who got cataracts and needed a shit ton of money to get cured. Forced with no other options left, she could only beg the president for help, yet the president actually presented a shocking demand saying, “Then you can go organise all the investment data of the projects in the past three years for me”. Thus, she slapped him in the face full of anger.
“So realistic, perfect,” said the judges who had an eye for judging the Oscar awards.
Competition Event Four: Getting Checks Thrown in the Face
When the actor for the president’s mother throws the checks, the competitors must display a perfect turn of the head, the despair at the time as well as the anger when your human dignity is tread upon. These were all the important marking criterias. However, the most important point was your attitude towards the check.
To resolutely rip it was too pretentious. To just accept it meant you had no backbone. What was the best thing to do?
You then see the winner who calmly received the check and said in a mournful but not distressing manner, “Huh, this is it? This isn’t even a sufficient amount of money to buy enough milk powder for the baby in my belly. Whatever, just let things be. Auntie, if there’s nothing else then I’ll take my leave first, I’ve got to hurry over to get a prenatal checkup.”
“So quick-witted!” said the judges, “This is a battle between the souls! Not pretentious, nor humble, not only did you get the money and protect your dignity, you also
brought out the plotline of ‘the baby in my belly’ that has great development potential. Absolutely ingenious! Full marks!”
The winners received the honorable title of ‘You successfully caught my attention’.
The prize was a five dollar coupon for overseas travel. You could use this coupon and exchange it for five RMB from the Financial Department no matter which country you decided to visit. Through this, the company expressed its support for your holiday trip.
The main organiser of the event got a beating.
Most of the participants were employees who were replacements for actresses and actors, playing around was purely for fun.
Ruan Yan was frightened after the very first competition, because the image of the high handed president had long been destroyed in his heart, he was willing to accept defeat.
The competition was held while Li Han wasn’t present. When Li Han returned, he felt that the atmosphere in the company wasn’t quite right, when he asked Ruan Yan, the other person just smiled in silence.
Chapter 5
* * *
Ruan Yan went overseas in the end.
However, it was Li Han taking him out on a ‘business trip’. Of course, on the surface it was just to go communicate and investigate. In truth, the job was done in two days, the rest of the time was spent relaxing on holiday.
They travelled from Tokyo to Hokkaido before resting in Kyoto.
The day before they returned, they went to the Fushimi Inari Shrine. The orange torii were never ending, forming a deep and serene tunnel, it was a leisure to walk inside it. There was a couple in front of them, the girl was peering about between the poles and intimately taking photos with her boyfriend. They laughed the entire way, which in turn made the two grown men seem extremely boring.
Ruan Yan suddenly felt as though the atmosphere between them was a bit weird.
He saw that each torii had words carved on them, most of them were people’s names or some Japanese share company, which meant that some were built through private donations, whereas others were built under a company’s name. He then broke the silence and said, “Why don’t we get a torii for our company?”
Li Han shook his head, “We don’t believe in Shintoism, there’s no point in spending the money.”
Ruan Yan sighed, “See what I mean, you aren’t a ‘Mary Sue’ president at all.”
Li Han lifted an eyebrow up and looked at him, “You keep on going on about some ‘Mary Sue’ thing, what does it mean?”
Ruan Yan replied, “Let’s put it this way, if it was a ‘Mary Sue’ president, then right now they should say: It’s nothing but a few torii, I’ll buy this entire mountain top and place torii everywhere.”
Li Han said, “… they should be a retard right?”
Ruan Yan tsked, “This is why you don’t understand.”
With that, Li Han was not convinced. He stopped walking and deliberately held onto Ruan Yan with one hand, his other hand lifted up forty-five degree in angle and pointed off into the distance. He got into position and said with a high handed expression, “You want to build one? I’ve already bought the entire mountain top. I will place torii all over it and carve your name on every single one.”
Ruan Yan, “…”
Chotto matte[1], this scene didn’t seem right!
I think I’ve walked into the wrong filming location?
What was with dragging me in with a sudden low voiced soundtrack[2]!
I prayed to the Zhihu gods, my boss has eaten a walnut that was cracked by a door[3], how do I cure it?
After many seconds, Li Han returned back to normal and said provocatively, “So, was that ‘Mary Sue’?”
Ruan Yan’s soul that was almost going to go to heaven from appeasement, stiffly replied four words, “…Are you a retard?”
At night, they lived together in a standard room at a simple Japanese-styled hotel. The staff placed two sets of futons on their tatami and placed an origami crane on each one, wishing them a good night’s sleep.
But after washing up and getting ready to sleep, both of them lied down in a straight position and couldn’t really sleep.
Li Han started the discussion first, “You probably thought I was very annoying and unreasonable at the beginning right? You wanted to change departments many times.”
Ruan Yan said, “No.” Not at the beginning, even now he still thought the other person was very annoying and unreasonable.
“I apologise to you for my bad temper and the times I made things difficult for you. I think I never said it to you, but as an assistant, you’re already good enough. With you by my side, my work goes much more smoothly. You pay great attention to detail and also have high capabilities.”
“Oh, thank you.” Okay, so he wasn’t really that annoying and unreasonable.
Li Han turned his head around and asked, “Do you still want to change departments now?”
Ruan Yan gazed at the ceiling, the moonlight outside the window reflected in his eyes, “At first, I was the one who was clumsy and couldn’t complete the tasks well. If I don’t finish the job, I should get scolded. All this helped me to perfect my skills. This position has allowed me to learn many things, I’m very thankful. Of course, you really were very annoying back then, you almost drove me into madness a few times. I had thoughts from wanting to spit in your coffee, to taking ugly photos of you and posting them on the company’s public platform as an anonymous user, as well as buying expired bento for you to eat…”
By now, every hair on Li Han’s body was standing up.
Ruan Yan continued, “But I didn’t do any of it. I know that all of these are despicable and shameful methods.”
Li Han’s finally felt at ease.
“That’s why I decided to puncture your car tire.”
“…”
Ruan Yan looked at him, “Remember that time when you changed my tire? I originally placed that nail near your parking spot, unfortunately after a few days it still didn’t work, probably because your driver is too skilled. I don’t know how it happened, but later that nail landed near my car. In the end… yeah. It’s evident that one shouldn’t have an evil heart.”
Li Han wasn’t looking good at all.
According to his temper before, if he had met such a shocking subordinate who wanted to harm their boss, he would definitely have cursed ferociously at them before taking away all their bonus. However, right now, he only had one rather baffling thought….
Why was my special assistant so cute!
They chatted for most of the night, the small wall that lay between them had now fallen. After returning to China, the room on the floor beneath Li Han’s was rented out, and so he directly invited Ruan Yan to live together with him.
Ruan Yan thought about it and agreed to paying him the rent according to its actual price.
However, the life of the two people living together left much to be desired. Ruan Yan discovered that Li Han’s eccentrics at work were also reflected in his everyday habits.
He would always be intensely critical about weird details. For example, the curtains weren’t blocking the sun well enough, or the flower carvings on the bed head weren’t magnificent etc.Yet he payed no heed to the rubbish he made, the dust on the floor nor the filth in the bathroom. He didn’t know how to cook himself but was extremely picky about take away foods. As a crazy fan of online shopping, he liked to spend money frivolously, every month his Alipay bill would be a huge number. Ruan Yan even found a washing bag specifically designed for bras and a bag of Whisper[4] night pads amongst the pile of deliveries.
Back then, Ruan Yan didn’t really care about these things, but ever since he became Li Han’s secretary, he trained himself to be intolerable to every single mistake. Thus, he cleaned the entire apartment like a strong gust of wind sweeping away fallen leaves. At the same time he made a list of ‘Twelve Dont’s’ and stuck it on the fridge, hoping to slightly restrain Li Han’s behavior.
The surprising thing was, Li Han was ve
ry obedient and actually tried hard to fix his shortcomings. Not only this, Li Han was moved by Ruan Yan’s attitude of having to do everything personally without complaining. His inner lazy cells were killed and he also started to shoulder a bit of the burdens on his own initiative. Washing the dishes, buying the groceries, using the vacuum cleaner… he mastered these skills well.
Ruan Yan was shocked and posted a question on Zhihu:
I live in the same house as my boss, it’s a 140 square meter, luxurious small apartment in the city. He used to always have this arrogant bully look on him, the way he bossed me around was so annoying. Recently, he actually started to do the housework on his own initiative. Yesterday he even showed me his bankbook, I don’t know what he means. I’m suspicious that he ate a walnut that was nipped by a wall, causing the poison to enter his brain. He’s probably in the late stages of being mentally retarded. So here’s the question, how much is the new VR helmet that’s installed with the Dawn4 engine?
One answer received more than 3000 likes:
You probably need Yooooooooooo[5] dollars.
On Ruan Yan’s birthday, Li Han organised a big celebration.
There were no friends invited, no champagne, no five layer cake, nor a surprise from suddenly opening the lights. He just cooked a scarcely edible dinner and gave him another 140 square meter, small luxurious apartment in the city, a car that cost a few hundred thousand dollars as well as five subordinates.
Li Han heroically said, “You always say I’m not ‘Mary Sue’, is this ‘Mary Sue’ enough?”
Ruan Yan held a property ownership certificate in one hand and car keys in the other, he wanted nothing more than to stuff these into the other person’s mouth, “You call this ‘Mary Sue’? This is called ‘an ugly woman trying to imitate a famous beauty’[6]! The property tax nowadays is so high, even property charges in small residential districts are ridiculously high, do I have so much money to burn!? And this car, one foot on the accelerator and there goes a few dollars on fuel. There are often traffic jams in the city, if the car gets crashed or scraped, I don’t even have enough money to repair it. Why would I need it! Five subordinates, why are you giving me so many people? Are they going to wash my feet and cut my nails, do you think that I’m you?”
