Vodka Doesn't Freeze

by Leah Giarratano

  'Just called it a night,' said Jill. 'I couldn't see you, but I figured you weren't ready to go home.'

  'Are you kidding? I didn't get home until Thursday night.'

  Jill gave a short laugh, and then got down to business.

  'So, Honey, remember you said that Sebastian had a youth drop-in centre in the Cross? You said he used it for recruits.' This time she wanted to make sure she and Honey were talking about exactly the same thing before they went anywhere.

  'Yeah, so?' Honey's sunglasses perched on top of her head, holding her long black hair off her face. She was making short work of her breakfast, seemingly oblivious to the stares of every male that walked past. The front wall of the café folded back while trading to allow it to be part of the street.

  'Well, I want you to take me there.'

  'He's hardly ever there, but whatever. It's not like it's some secret place. It's been there since I was a kid. Charities even use it to try to get the kids off the streets.'

  'So it's like an amusement centre?'

  'Yeah, you know, some pool tables, a few computer games. There's a half basketball court, a room to do art and craft and shit.'

  'And Sebastian set this up?'

  'There's always plenty of kids there. It was a great place to go. And close to everything.'

  'Well it's in Kings Cross, so it's not really close to anything a kid should be close to,' Jill commented.

  'But the kids who go there are going to be around the streets anyway, so it's a safe place to hang out.'

  Jill stared at her. 'Honey, there's something I don't understand about you.' Jill kept her voice quiet and careful, but she felt exasperated. 'You told me that Sebastian runs this place to recruit children. I assume you mean recruit them for sex. You told me that man started you in child prostitution and got you addicted to heroin. And you just called a place that this man runssafe.'

  Honey glared at her for a moment, then slipped her glasses back down over her eyes.

  'You wouldn't understand,' she said. 'When you're on the streets, a place with a roof is usually a safe place. At the centre you don't even have to give a blow job to stay warm.' She stabbed at her eggs. 'You just don't get it. Sebastian is an arsehole, but he gives those kids stuff as well. Not everyone who goes there gets molested, you know.' She pushed her plate away, folded her arms. 'I'm done here. To be honest, I've got other things to do today.' She looked out to the street.

  Jill reached across the table, and then pulled her hands back, remembering Honey didn't like to be touched. 'Come on, Honey. I'm just frustrated, that's all. Don't shut down on me. I'll get you an ice-cream at the Cross.'

  Honey was silent for a few moments, then she spoke, still looking at her plate.

  'Yeah, well, whatever. I guess I can come.'

  She grabbed her juice and stood, and Jill went to pay. The male couple now held hands across the table.

  Jill parked her car out the front of a prestige car dealership; she and Honey passed the front of the sleek showroom selling fat Mercedes and walked straight into hell. The drop-in centre was a block from the Matthew Talbot Hostel, a refuge for homeless male alcoholics, and today the afternoon sun bore down pitilessly on close to fifty men lying in the street that led up to the hostel.

  'We don't have to go up that street, do we?' Jill asked Honey.

  'Nah, it's the next one up.'

  They walked past a man in a singlet and shorts who was asleep in the gutter. The cheek exposed to the sun was the colour of a cooked, wet lobster.

  The drop-in centre was not what Jill had expected. A two-storey terrace house in a mostly residential street, there was no sign out the front indicating the function of the building. Honey walked up the two front steps and went straight in, Jill following close behind. The front room was dark compared to the white heat bouncing off the pavement outside. Jill blinked as her eyes adjusted.

  Three Aboriginal children scribbled with textas on a large canvas. A rack containing pamphlets stood in the corner; the only other furniture a couple of lounge chairs and a desk. There were no adults in sight. The kids did no more than glance at them before going back to their colouring. Jill and Honey walked through to the next room. A kitchen. Large jars of coffee and sugar, a big refrigerator, a bowl of apples. No-one in there.

  In a small courtyard off the kitchen, two teenage boys smoked cigarettes. They blew out insolence with their smoke. Jill thought she'd at least try to talk to them.

  'You guys know Mr Sebastian?'

  The oldest boy looked her up and down and whispered something to his mate. They both laughed.

  'I asked you a question.' Jill felt hot and tired.

  The boys sniggered again, and she had a sudden image of herself slapping the spotty face of the closest boy. She walked back into the kitchen. Honey had the fridge open and was poking around inside. Jill saw loaves of bread, margarine, a catering-sized jar of Vegemite.

  'I'm going upstairs,' Jill said, walking from the kitchen.

  The muted music of a computer game led her up the stairs. She walked into one of three rooms off the first-floor landing, following the sound. A dark-haired boy who looked about twelve sat on a dirty, pink fabric-covered couch. His eyes were locked on a TV screen, his hands on a game control panel. She sat next to him, watched the game.

  'These guys are the worst.'

  Jill was surprised to hear him speak.

  'They come at you so fast.'

  'Shit! Look out for that one,' she warned him.

  The muscleman controlled by the boy blasted the flesh-eating zombie just in time. Green brains splattered from its skull; grey limbs flew into the air. Moments later, another zombie shot the muscleman in the head and the boy turned to face her.

  'I'm Jill,' she told him.

  'Jack.'

  'Ha. Jack and Jill.'

  A white smile split his brown face, and the sun came out in the small room.

  'Jack, I'm a police officer.' She decided to be honest. These kids all knew anyway. They always said it was the shoes cops wore, but Jill felt street kids developed senses others didn't, survival skills, honed living in the urban jungle.

  'Got a gun?' They always wanted to know.

  She lifted the short jacket she wore over her T-shirt, showed him her revolver.

  'Cool. Can I touch it?'

  That was always the next question; either that or, 'Have you ever shot anyone?' His brown eyes were young and old.

  'Not today.' The answer would do for both questions.

  'You lookin' for Jamaal?'

  The air was very still in the room; dust motes danced in a sunbeam near the window. A pulse beat in her neck.

  'Why would you think that, Jack?'

  ''Cause you should be.' He put his chin on his chest, fiddled with the joystick.

  'You know what? I am looking for Jamaal. Does he come around here much?'

  Jack shrugged.

  'How do you know him?'

  'He told me about this place.'

  'Has Jamaal ever hurt you, Jack?'

  Eyes down. Nothing.

  'Why should we be looking for him?'

  'You should know why.'

  'Could you come to where I work and tell me more about him?'

  'You're crazy.'

  She looked up when the light altered in the doorway.

  'Hello. May I help you?' came a sharp female voice.

  Jill stood. The woman looked about thirty-five maybe, hippie clothing, closed face, no smile.

  'Sergeant Jillian Jackson.' Jill held out her hand.

  'Do you have an appointment with someone here?' The woman ignored her hand, didn't offer her name.

  'Do I need one?'

  'Well, adults are not encouraged to drop by unannounced,' said the woman. 'Are you all right, Jack?'

  The boy said nothing. Jill asked, 'What about Jamaal Mahmoud? Alejandro Sebastian? Do they drop by unannounced?'

  The woman paused a few beats. Looked at a point over Jill's shoulder, then fixed
her eyes back on her face.

  'I'm afraid I'm the wrong person for you to speak to. If you'll come to the office next door I'll give you my supervisor's card.'

  'Simple question, though, really – do those men drop by? What role do they have here at the centre?'

  Jack stared at the woman, also waiting for her answer.

  'Yes, as I said, Ms Jackson, my supervisor's best placed to answer any questions about the centre. If you'll just follow me?'

  'It'sSergeant Jackson, actually, and yes I will take that name.'

  The woman turned and lead the way out of the room. Jill lingered behind and slipped her work card into Jack's hand.

  'Call me any time, about anything. If I'm not there, leave a message and I'll call you the next day. I promise. I'll be back here, Jack, but if you need help, call me.'

  When the woman made an officious noise in the hallway outside the door, Jill left the room and followed the wide, bright-orange skirt in front of her.

  34

  SOMEHOW, MERCY SEEMED to have cut almost everything else from her life. She'd arrive home from the hospital and ignore the flashing light on her answerphone. The birds on her balcony would call for her attention, but now there were fewer than there used to be; she hadn't bothered to fill their water and feeder for weeks. They'd covered the deck with shit in protest. She'd go straight to the fridge and eat standing there, whatever was in front of her. Cold. Sometimes she'd make her way into the lounge room and take off her shoes, head for the bar, but, more often than not, she'd instead just grab her keys again and head out.

  She knew it was a compulsion now. She couldn't rest at night unless she'd been to one of their houses. The feeling of impotence that had been growing like a parasite inside her for years was diminishing. She could reach out and hurt them any time she wanted. The hunters became the hunted.

  When she'd left work she hadn't even bothered to go home. She'd brought everything she would need when she left the house that morning.

  She pulled into a big all-hours convenience store and bought a jumbo bag of cheese Twisties, some chocolate and Coke. Sometimes she had to wait a few hours before they got home. A queue had formed in the service station. A sign pronounced a record lottery draw this week; the people ahead of her were all stocking up on tickets. Their motivation seemed alien to her.

  Looking at two women about her age in the queue ahead of her, she wondered suddenly how the hell it had come to this. How had she ever become so lost? She thought again about going to the police, but images of what had happened to kids, to her, what was happening to someone right now, interrupted her thoughts again. Asleep or awake, her mind was filled with little else.

  Last time she'd tried to have dinner with friends it had been a disaster. As soon as their kids were in bed, she'd started in on her second bottle of red and her stories of horror. Trying to tell her friends, to convince them, that their children weren't safe, to teach them what to watch out for, how often to check their kids' rooms for evidence that someone was grooming them for abuse: she wanted to keep them vigilant. When they'd tried to change the subject, she'd become belligerent, loud, unconcerned if the children awoke – they should be hearing this too. When she broke down in mortified but unstoppable sobs, they'd driven her home, and had not called since. Not that she blamed them, and not that she cared, frankly. People didn't understand, and there were other things she needed to do.

  Throwing a bulging bag into her passenger seat, Mercy got back into her car, lit a cigarette and drove with purpose into the deepening evening.

  35

  THE BITE IN THE pre-dawn breeze stung Jill's ears and woke her fully. The chill told her that summer was nearing its end. Dressed in white shorts and a singlet, her bikini underneath, she realised she'd need a tracksuit for her morning runs soon.

  The change from summer to autumn always filled Jill with melancholy. For her, spring and summer represented youth, childhood. Autumn was about endings, the loss of innocence. And, of course, it was the precursor to winter; it was the beginning of winter when she'd been kidnapped. Those three months were the longest of the year, every year, for Jill.

  She jogged down the steps of her apartment block and out into the quiet, dark streets of Maroubra. She had been restless last night, thinking about little Jack at the drop-in centre. She hoped he'd call.

  She shivered as she crossed the street and lifted her pace, trying to warm up. But the coldness was inside; her mood matched the gunmetal-grey ocean, the surf roiling and messy this morning.

  The beach was deserted. Even the gulls weren't playing. There were no surfers; she was alone. Familiar feelings of despair and apprehension rose up inside her with the isolation, and she caught them in her throat before they forced out a sob. She dropped her towel on the sand in her regular spot, put her head down, and ran.

  For the first time in a long time, she thought about Joel. Maybe she should get in touch. She smiled wryly, realising she'd just slipped into the same pattern she did every year – when the weather got colder, she got lonely, and for two years in a row she'd spent winters casually dating Joel, only to feel stifled and resentful by summer. It's not fair to do that to him again, she thought.

  Each footfall on the hard sand sent some pain through the area around her healing ribs. She tuned it out. Gotta get back to it sometime, she thought; I'll go mad without running. She reached the end of the lap and turned to make her way back to the other end of the beach. Spray from the turbulent surf blew into her eyes, and she wiped her face with her hands. As her vision cleared, she thought she saw someone else on the beach. There. She didn't break stride, continued running back the way she'd come. The hooded figure ran back from the edge of the ocean towards the street. That's weird, she thought, he can't have been down here more than five minutes. Must be too cold for him.

  As she approached the place where she'd left her towel, Jill realised that this person, the only other person on the beach this morning, had also picked this very spot to stop. From three long strides away, she could see her towel was disturbed. She always left it folded tightly. She looked up towards the road to try to spot the runner, but it was still grey and misty and she couldn't see anyone. She thought about stopping, but figured that it had probably been a vagrant hoping she'd left her wallet under her towel.

  'Been living at the beach too long to do that, dickhead,' she muttered under her breath and kept running.

  Jill ran laps until the sun grudgingly rose in the east over the ocean, but the day stayed dull, and there were still few people on the sand when she finally stood dripping over her towel.

  'What the fuck?' she said aloud, looking down at the edges of a manila folder protruding from underneath her towel. She stood there a few moments longer, just staring at the folder, and then looked up and down the beach.

  A chubby female newsreader who lived a few blocks up from Jill was sparring with a personal trainer, throwing half-arsed punches at his gloves. There were a couple of board riders out beyond the chop, just sitting there, hoping. A middle-aged couple drank takeaway coffee silently, looking out to sea. A dog barked like a mad thing, chasing pigeons and waves, while his owner stood watching, lead in hand. That was about it this morning.