‘Sneebs!’ said the man, wringing his hands. And the words appeared, floating in her brain: ‘It’s terribly dangerous!’
He waved a pale hand, as if to brush her away. Shaking her head, Tiffany walked on.
There were lords and ladies, people in fine clothes and even a few shepherds. But some of them had a pieced-together look. They looked, in fact, like a picture book back in her bedroom.
It was made of thick card, worn raggedy-edged by generations of Aching children. Each page showed a character, and each was cut into four strips that could be turned over independently. The point of the whole thing was that a bored child could turn over parts of the pages and change the way the characters were dressed. You could end up with a soldier’s head on a baker’s chest wearing a maid’s dress and a farmer’s big boots.
Tiffany had never been bored enough. She considered that even things that spend their whole lives hanging from the underside of branches would never be bored enough to spend more than five seconds with that book.
The people around her looked either as though they’d been taken from that book, or had dressed for a fancy-dress party in the dark. One of two of them nodded to her as she passed, but didn’t seem surprised to see her.
She ducked under a round leaf much bigger than she was and took out the toad again.
‘Whap? It’s su’ cooold,’ said the toad, hunching down on her hand.
‘Cold? The air’s baking!’
‘There’s just snow,’ said the toad. ‘Put me back, I’m freezing!’
Just a minute, thought Tiffany. ‘Do toads dream?’ she said.
‘No!’
‘Oh… so it’s not really hot?’
‘No! You just think it is!’
‘Psst,’ said a voice.
Tiffany put the toad away and wondered if she dared to turn her head.
‘It’s me!’ said the voice.
Tiffany turned towards a clump of daisies twice the height of a man. That’s not a lot of help
‘Are you mad?’ said the daisies.
‘I’m looking for my brother,’ said Tiffany sharply.
‘The horrible child who screams for sweeties all the time?’
The daisy stems parted and the boy Roland darted out and joined her under the leaf.
‘Yes,’ she said, edging away, and feeling that only a sister has a right to call even a brother like Wentworth ‘horrible’.
‘And threatens to go to the toilet if he’s left alone?’ said Roland.
‘Yes! Where is he?’
‘That’s your brother? The one who’s permanently sticky?’
‘I told you!’
‘And you really want him back?’
‘Yes!’
‘Why?’
He’s my brother, Tiffany thought. What’s ‘why?’ got to do with it?
‘Because he’s my brother! Now tell me where he is?’
‘Are you sure you can get out of here?’ said Roland.
‘Of course,’ Tiffany lied.
‘And you can take me with you?’
‘Yes.’ Well, she hoped so.
‘All right. I’ll let you do that,’ said Roland, relaxing.
‘Oh, you’ll let me, will you?’ said Tiffany.
‘Look, I didn’t know what you were, all right?’ said Roland. ‘There’s always weird things in the forest. Lost people, bits of dreams that’re still lying around… you have to be careful. But if you really know the way, then I ought to get back before my father worries too much.’
Tiffany felt the Second Thoughts starting. They said: Don’t change your expression. Just… check…
‘How long have you been here?’ she asked carefully. ‘Exactly?’
‘Well, the light doesn’t really change much,’ said the boy. ‘It feels like I’ve been here… oh, hours. Maybe a day…’
Tiffany tried hard not to let her face give anything away, but it didn’t work. Roland’s eyes narrowed.
‘I have, haven’t I?’ he said.
‘Er… why do you ask?’ said Tiffany, desperately.
‘Because in a way it… feels like… longer. I’ve only been hungry two or three times, and been to the… you know… twice, so it can’t be very long. But I’ve done all kinds of things… it’s been a busy day…’ His voice trailed off.
‘Um. You’re right,’ said Tiffany. ‘Time goes slowly here. It’s been… a bit longer…’
‘A hundred years? Don’t tell me it’s a hundred years! Something magical has happened and it’s a hundred years, yes?’
‘What? No! Um… nearly a year.’
The boy’s reaction was surprising. This time he looked really frightened. ‘Oh, no! That’s worse than a hundred years!’
‘How?’ said Tiffany, bewildered.
‘If it was a hundred years I wouldn’t get a thrashing when I got home!’
Hmm, thought Tiffany. ‘I don’t think that’s going to happen,’ she said aloud. ‘Your father has been very miserable. Besides, it’s not your fault you were stolen by the Queen—’ She hesitated, because this time it was his expression that gave it all away. ‘Was it?’
‘Well, there was this fine lady on a horse with bells all over its harness and she galloped past me when I was out hunting and she was laughing, so of course I spurred my horse and chased after her and…’ He fell silent.
That probably wasn’t a good decision,’ said Tiffany.
‘It’s not… bad here,’ said Roland. ‘It just keeps… changing. There’s… doorways everywhere. I mean entrances into other… places…’ His voice tailed off.
‘You’d better start at the beginning,’ said Tiffany.
‘It was great at first,’ said Roland. ‘I thought it was, you know, an adventure? She fed me sweetmeats—’
‘What are they, exactly?’ said Tiffany. Her dictionary hadn’t included that one. ‘Are they like sweetbreads?’
‘I don’t know. What are sweetbreads?’
The pancreas or thymus gland of a cow,’ said Tiffany. ‘Not a very good name, I think.’
Roland’s face went red with the effort of thought. ‘These were more like nougat.’
‘Right. Go on,’ said Tiffany.
‘And then she told me to sing and dance and skip and play,’ said Roland. ‘She said that’s what children were supposed to do.’
‘Did you?’
‘Would you? I’d feel like an idiot. I’m twelve, you know.’ Roland hesitated. ‘In fact, if what you say is true, I’m thirteen now, right?’
‘Why did she want you to skip and play?’ said Tiffany, instead of saying, ‘No, you’re still twelve and act like you’re eight.’
‘She just said that’s what children do,’ said Roland.
Tiffany wondered about this. As far as she could see, children mostly argued, shouted, ran around very fast, laughed loudly, picked their noses, got dirty and sulked. Any seen dancing and skipping and singing had probably been stung by a wasp.
‘Strange,’ she said.
‘And then when I wouldn’t she gave me more sweets.’
‘More nougat?’
‘Sugar plums,’ said Roland. They’re, like, plums. You know? With sugar on? She’s always trying to feed me sugar! She thinks I like it!’
A small bell rang in Tiffany’s memory. ‘You don’t think she’s trying to feed you up before she bakes you in an oven and eats you, do you?’
‘Of course not. Only wicked witches do that.’
Tiffany’s eyes narrowed. ‘Oh yes,’ she said carefully. ‘I forgot. So you’ve been living on sweeties?’
‘No, I know how to hunt! Real animals get in here. I don’t know how. Sneebs thinks they find the doorways in by accident. And then they starve to death, because it’s always winter here. Sometimes the Queen sends out robbing parties if a door opens into an interesting world, too. This whole place is like… a pirate ship.’
‘Yes, or a sheep tick,’ said Tiffany, thinking aloud.
‘What’re they?’
> ‘They’re insects that bite sheep and suck blood and don’t drop off until they’re full,’ said Tiffany.
‘Yuck. I suppose that’s the kind of thing peasants have to know about,’ said Roland. ‘I’m glad I don’t. I’ve seen through the doorways to one or two worlds. They wouldn’t let me out, though. We got potatoes from one, and fish from another. I think they frighten people into giving them stuff. Oh, and there was the world where the dromes come from. They laughed about that and said if I wanted to go in there I was welcome. I didn’t! It’s all red, like a sunset. A great huge sun on the horizon, and a red sea that hardly moves, and red rocks, and long shadows. And those horrible creatures sitting on the rocks, living off crabs and spidery things and little scribbity creatures. It was awful. There was this sort of ring of little claws and shells and bones around every one of them.’
‘Who are they?’ said Tiffany, who had noted the word ‘peasants’.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You keep talking about “they”,’ said Tiffany. ‘Who do you mean? The people out there?’
‘Those? Most of them aren’t even real,’ said Roland. ‘I mean the elves. The fairies. That’s who she’s Queen of. Didn’t you know?’
‘I thought they were small!’
‘I think they can be any size they like,’ said Roland. They’re not… exactly real. They’re like… dreams of themselves. They can be as thin as air or solid as a rock. Sneebs says.’
‘Sneebs?’ said Tiffany. ‘Oh… the little man that just says sneebs but real words turn up in your head?’
‘Yes, that’s him. He’s been here for years. That’s how I knew about the time being wrong. Sneebs got back to his own world once, and it was all different. He was so miserable he found another doorway and came straight back.’
‘He came back?’ said Tiffany, astonished.
‘He said it was better to belong where you don’t belong than not to belong where you used to belong, remembering when you used to belong there,’ said Roland. ‘At least, I think that’s what he said. He said it’s not too bad here if you keep out of the Queen’s way. He says you can learn a lot.’
Tiffany looked back at the hunched figure of Sneebs, who was still watching the nut-cracking. He didn’t look as though he was learning anything. He just looked like someone who’d been frightened for so long it had become part of his life, like freckles.
‘But you mustn’t make the Queen angry,’ said Roland. ‘I’ve seen what happens to people who make her angry. She sets the Bumble-Bee women on them.’
‘Are you talking about those huge women with the tiny wings?’
‘Yes! They’ve vicious. And if the Queen gets really angry with someone, she just stares at them, and… they change.’
‘What into?’
‘Other things. I don’t want to have to draw you a picture.’ Roland shuddered. ‘And if I did, I’d need a lot of red and purple crayons. Then they get dragged off and left for the dromes.’ He shook his head. ‘Listen, dreams are real here. Really real. When you’re inside them you’re not… exactly here. The nightmares are real, too. You can die.’
This doesn’t feel real, Tiffany told herself. This feels like a dream. I could almost wake up from it.
I must always remember what’s real.
She looked down at her faded blue dress, with the bad stitching around the hem caused by it being let out and taken in as its various owners had grown. That was real.
And she was real. Cheese was real. Somewhere not far away was a world of green turf under a blue sky, and that was real.
The Nac Mac Feegle were real, and once again she wished they were here. There was something about the way they shouted ‘Crivens!’ and attacked everything in sight that was so very comforting.
Roland was probably real.
Almost everything else was really a dream, in a robber world that lived off the real worlds and where time nearly stood still and horrible things could happen at any moment. I don’t want to know anything more about it, she decided. I just want to get my brother and go home, while I’m still angry.
Because when I stop being angry, that’ll be the time to get frightened again, and I’ll be really frightened this time. Too frightened to think. As frightened as Sneebs. And I must think…
‘The first dream I fell into was like one of mine.’ she said. ‘I’ve had dreams where I wake up and I’m still asleep. But the ballroom, I’ve never—’
‘Oh, that was one of mine,’ said Roland. ‘From when I was young. I woke up one night and went down to the big hall and there were all these people with masks on, dancing. It was just so… bright.’ He looked wistful for a moment. That was when my mother was still alive.’
‘This one’s a picture from a book I’ve got,’ said Tiffany. ‘She must have got that from me—’
‘No, she often uses it,’ said Roland. ‘She likes it. She picks up dreams from everywhere. She collects them.’
Tiffany stood up, and picked up the frying pan again. ‘I’m going to see the Queen,’ she said.
‘Don’t,’ said Roland. ‘You’re the only other real person here except Sneebs, and he’s not very good company.’
‘I’m going to get my brother and go home,’ said Tiffany flatly.
‘I’m not going to come with you, then,’ said Roland. ‘I don’t want to see what she turns you into.’
Tiffany stepped out into the heavy, shadowless light, and followed the path up the slope. Giant grasses arched overhead. Here and there more strangely dressed, strangely shaped people turned to watch her, but then acted as though she was just a passing wanderer, of no interest whatsoever.
She glanced behind her. In the distance the nutcracker had found a bigger hammer, and was getting ready to strike.
‘Wanna wanna wanna sweetie!’
Tiffany’s head shot round like a weathercock in a tornado. She ran along the path, head down, ready to swing the pan at anything that stood in her way, and burst through a clump of grass into a space lined with daisies. It could well have been a bower. She didn’t bother to check.
Wentworth was sitting on a large, flat stone, surrounded by sweets. Many of them were bigger than he was. Smaller ones were in piles, large ones lay like logs. And they were in every colour sweets can be, such as Not-Really-Raspberry Red, Fake-Lemon Yellow, Curiously-Chemical Orange, Some-Kind-of-Acidy Green and Who-Knows-What Blue.
Tears were falling off his chin in blobs. Since they were landing amongst the sweets, serious stickiness was already taking place.
Wentworth howled. His mouth was a big red tunnel with the wobbly thing that no one knows the name of bouncing up and down in the back of his throat. He only stopped crying when it was time either to breathe in or die, and even then it was only for one huge sucking moment before the howl came back again.
Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She’d seen it before, at birthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweet deprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took any sweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was not taking all the rest. And there were so many sweets he’d never be able to eat them all. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burst into tears.
The only solution at home was to put a bucket over his head until he calmed down, and take almost all the sweets away. He could deal with a few hand-fuls at a time.
Tiffany dropped the pan and swept him up in her arms. ‘It’s Tiffy,’ she whispered. ‘And we’re going home.’
And this is where I meet the Queen, she thought. But there was no scream of rage, no explosion of magic… nothing.
There was just the buzz of bees in the distance, and the sound of wind in the grass, and the gulping of Wentworth, who was too shocked to cry.
She could see now that the far side of the bower contained a couch of leaves, surrounded by hanging flowers. But there was no one there.
That’s because I’m behind you,’ said the voice of the Queen in her ear.
Tiffany turned round quickly.
There was no one there.
‘Still behind you,’ said the Queen. This is my world, child. You’ll never be as fast as me, or as clever as me. Why are you trying to take my boy away?’
‘He isn’t yours! He’s ours!’ said Tiffany.
‘You never loved him. You have a heart like a little snowball. I can see it.’
Tiffany’s forehead wrinkled. ‘Love?’ she said.
‘What’s that got to do with it? He’s my brother! My brother!’
‘Yes, that’s a very witchy thing, isn’t it,’ said the voice of the Queen. ‘Selfishness. Mine, mine, mine. All a witch cares about is what’s hers.’
‘You stole him!’
‘Stole? You mean you thought you owned him?’
Tiffany’s Second Thoughts said: She’s finding your weaknesses. Don’t listen to her.
‘Ah, you have Second Thoughts,’ said the Queen. ‘I expect you think that makes you very witchy, do you?’
‘Why won’t you let me see you?’ said Tiffany. ‘Are you frightened?’
‘Frightened?’ said the voice of the Queen. ‘Of something like you?’
And the Queen was there, in front of her. She was much taller than Tiffany, but just as slim; her hair was long and black, her face pale, her lips cherry red, her dress black and white and red. And it was all, very slightly, wrong.
Tiffany’s Second Thoughts said: It’s because she’s perfect. Completely perfect. Like a doll. No one real is as perfect as that.
‘That’s not you,’ said Tiffany, with absolute certainty. That’s just your dream of you. That’s not you at all.’
The Queen’s smile disappeared for a moment and came back all edgy and brittle.
‘Such rudeness, and you hardly know me,’ she said, sitting down on the leafy seat. She patted the space beside her. ‘Do sit down,’ she said. ‘Standing there like that is so confrontational. I will put your bad manners down to simple disorientation.’ She gave Tiffany a beautiful smile.
Look at the way her eyes move, said Tiffany’s Second Thoughts. I don’t think she’s using them to see you with. They’re just beautiful ornaments.
‘You have invaded my home, killed some of my creatures and generally acted in a mean and despicable way,’ said the Queen. This offends me. However, I understand that you have been badly led by disruptive elements—’
The Wee Free Men d(-2 Page 17
