by Rachel Lee
“Kel?”
He started and saw Desi looking inquisitive. He guessed he’d dropped out. “Yeah?”
“You...okay?”
“I sometimes wonder what okay is,” he said, then walked over to the bar. “Need help?”
“It’s almost done. I was just wondering why you got so quiet.”
“It’s been a day.” A day that had him thinking about a dog he hadn’t seen in years. The last thing he needed right now was to have memories stalking him, knocking him off-kilter. Wandering the byways of Afghanistan wouldn’t help anything.
He closed his eyes, took a few relaxing breaths and firmly centered himself in the here and now. He’d lived the past. He didn’t need to relive it.
* * *
Far across the state, the man with the ponytail threw a paperweight across the room, denting the wallboard. He didn’t care. He was furious. He gripped the phone so tightly that his knuckles ached.
“What the hell was Randy thinking?” he demanded again.
“I told you, he thought the guys could identify him.”
“And report what? That he was on horseback and had dogs? That still isn’t a crime, or doesn’t Randy realize it?”
“I don’t know what the hell Randy realizes,” came the answer. “You talk to him. Right now we got bigger fish to worry about. I got word that new outfitter is undercharging us by a fair amount. There are too many of them in this state right now trying to horn in, but we got three hunts planned for Conard County in the next two weeks and we can’t have our customers hearing they could have gotten the service cheaper.”
“Wouldn’t be as good as what we provide,” the ponytailed man snapped. “And now because of Randy, we’re going to have wardens on the lookout for anything and everything. Hell, he didn’t even kill the guys, did he?”
“No.”
“So what good did he do? The guys might not have recognized him before, but they’re sure going to be trying now with the help of law enforcement. You ever see one of them Identi-Kits? Do me a favor and tell Randy to find a bolt-hole and stay in it for a good long time. We can’t have him running around out there. Hell, now everyone’s on guard over that way, including that new outfitter I bet.”
“We’ll take care of him.”
“He was the only one you were supposed to take care of, him and that big-mouth bitch of a warden. Now we got a bigger headache. Damn it.”
He slammed the phone down. What poaching hadn’t been able to do, one of his own men had just done. They were on the radar now, and quiet and careful as they might be, it was going to take time for things to cool down.
He punched the wall. Two plus two. He bet the law could add those numbers just as well. Now they’d be wondering more than ever about the poachers. Now they’d be keeping an extremely sharp eye out.
Damn Randy to hell.
Chapter 10
After dinner and cleanup, Kel and Desi sat in the living room. The lengthy silence seemed pregnant somehow, but Kel didn’t want to disturb it. At least he didn’t feel as if he should vanish. He’d had enough of that with his ex-wife, and felt surprisingly content to be accepted in someone’s space.
Because it was a fact, once civilians got past Thank you for your service, they usually didn’t know what else to say or do. Hurried on as if escaping. He didn’t blame them necessarily, but it had made him even more reluctant to hang around in crowded places. He’d kind of gone undercover for himself when he chose to make his home here in this underpopulated state, and had left his military service behind. Except in the Game and Fish Department, there were quite a few other vets. They got it.
Desi had no reason to get it, yet she seemed to. If he did something to concern her, she merely asked if he was okay. When he said he was, she accepted it whether she believed it or not. No badgering, no demand to share the most intimate parts of himself.
But as they sat there, little by little he felt the air becoming charged. He was certain it wasn’t him. Glancing at Desi, he saw her looking down at her lap, her hands tightly clenched.
“Desi?” he finally asked.
“You know,” she said slowly, “you’re the first man I’ve let hug me since Joe.”
That shook him, but he wasn’t sure if she wanted him to say anything. She’d even let him kiss her ever so briefly. Where was she headed?
“I’m glad you let me.”
“I...want to tell you. I don’t know why. This day has been just awful. Why should I dredge up more ugliness? But it’s pushing at me, Kel. Pushing hard.”
“Then let it out.” He was prepared to listen, and was sure she couldn’t possibly tell him anything more horrible than the things he’d already experienced.
“But it’s not right. You came here to do a job, not to listen to me dump. You don’t even know me very well. I should talk to someone else.”
“Like who?” he asked mildly. He suspected she had a very short list of real friends or she would have talked to one of them already. Mostly her relationships appeared to be built around her job. “Sometimes,” he said, “it’s easier to talk to a stranger who gets where you’re coming from than to talk to someone who really knows you.”
“You might be right,” she said slowly. “I don’t know. I just know it happened a very long time ago, I buried it and moved on, yet here it is pushing its way up again like a backed-up sewer.”
Man, did he know that feeling. “Then let ’er rip.” So she thought she’d buried it and left it behind. Not really, not when he was the first man to kiss or hug her in all this time. Burying the dead didn’t always work when they left souvenirs behind.
“It’s a stupid story,” she said.
“You can stop right there.”
Her head jerked up, her eyes sparking. “What?”
“I’m not going to listen to you say being raped was stupid no matter how it came about. You can leave out that commentary, because it’s not true. The guy was evidently a slime. No reason to think any part of it was stupid.”
She looked down, unleashing a long breath. “Okay. I felt stupid. I felt like I should have known, should have picked up on something, but I didn’t.”
“Still not true,” he said flatly. “You were the victim. Don’t give him any excuses, and don’t blame yourself.”
She jumped up. “If you’re going to edit everything I say, then what’s the point?”
Oh, she was mad now. He almost smiled. “The point is to make it clear to you that you should stop beating yourself up. This is all on him. Every bit of it. Are you going to condemn yourself for being trusting? I hope not. But you’re certainly not stupid. I know that for a fact.”
She almost gaped at him. He patted the couch beside him invitingly but she didn’t move. Okay, not ready for that level of trust yet.
He waited, his insides knotting with concern for her, a feeling that surprised him. He hardly knew the woman; how was he getting so involved so fast? Because he’d learned to avoid involvement. Anger was a safe place to live if you couldn’t be numb. Yet almost from the moment of meeting Desi, not only had he desired her, but he’d felt other emotions for her. She called to him in ways that troubled him more than simple passion.
“Okay,” she said finally. “Screw the gory details. I’d dated Joe three times. He seemed okay, he was charming and I was st—” She cut herself off sharply. “I was nineteen. Inexperienced. I had a few casual dates in high school, but nothing like Joe. He made me feel so...special. Anyway, I hadn’t heard anything bad about him around the college, he seemed nice enough, so when he asked me to come to his off-campus apartment to listen to music, I didn’t even hesitate. I was excited that he was so interested. I think I was falling in love.”
She broke off again, and now she was pacing. “He overpowered me. No alcohol, nothing. Just him ov
erpowering me and telling me I really wanted it, over and over...”
“Bastard,” Kel said quietly.
“Yeah.” At least she didn’t argue with that. “Wooed with sweet lies until I was cornered and then...” She trailed off. “Why am I telling you this?”
“Because you need to.”
“Do I?” She faced him. “I was a virgin, Kel. That was my one time ever.”
He swore and this time he let some of his pain and anger show. Her anguish deserved an echo from him.
“So now you know.” She wrapped her arms around herself, and for the first time the strong, confident Desi completely vanished, leaving a small, stricken women behind. He wanted to go to her, but was afraid of the chain reaction he might set off.
He absolutely had to let her lead. He dared ask one question. “Did you tell anyone?”
She gave a little gasp as if she’d been punched.
“What?”
“I can’t believe I completely forgot it. I’ve been telling myself for years that I never told anyone. But I did. My roommates.”
“And?”
“It was like they didn’t hear me. I don’t know if they thought I was overreacting, or lying or what. But I never spoke of it again.”
He closed his eyes at the image of her being laughed at when she had been viciously violated. God, no wonder she’d sought the woods and kept a safe distance. No wonder she’d completely forgotten it all this time. Her roommates had given her a second wound, almost as bad as the first. He was willing to bet that after that she had trouble becoming close to women, too.
Hell. He wondered how she’d pasted over her scars and what was tearing them open now.
Idiotic question, he realized suddenly. The answer was as plain as the nose on his face. He’d kissed her. He’d touched her, even if only for a comforting hug. He’d gone places she hadn’t let another man go in all this time.
He stood up. “I guess I should go stay at the motel.”
She froze, then gaped at him. “Am I that repulsive?”
Where had that come from? “No,” he said. “Absolutely not. But you wondered why you suddenly felt the need to dump all this when it’s clear this is not something you talk to anyone about.”
“So?”
“So I’m triggering you by my very presence. Hugging you, kissing you, that must feel like the very edge of your worst nightmare. So I should clear out. We’ll find a way to work this crazy assignment without me crowding you. Damn, I’m even beginning to wonder if I was sent here just so I’d be out of somebody’s way. The longer I’m here, the more I wonder what I’m doing. Regardless, I’m clearly upsetting you.”
He’d taken just one step toward the bunkhouse when another bit of understanding practically punched him in the gut. If he walked out now, after what she had just shared with him, he’d be no better than those friends who had ignored her all those years ago. He’d leave a rejection in his wake. “Aw, hell,” he said under his breath.
“Kel?”
He faced her again. God, he wished he could wipe that tension from her face, the ghosts from her gaze.
“Don’t leave,” she said.
“If I’m making you uncomfortable, dredging up the past, maybe I should.”
She shook her head. “Maybe some things need dredging. Anyway, even if you’re triggering me, I still liked it when you hugged me, and I still liked it when you kissed me. Maybe I’m just taking a painful step on a path I should have followed a long time ago.”
He took a moment, choosing his words carefully. “What path would that be?”
“Healing. There’s burying and then there’s healing. But I’m sure you know that.”
Yeah, he did. He also knew that healing could be far more painful than burying, and could take a lot more effort.
After a moment he went to sit on the couch. “Okay. You want to take a break from this? Talk about something else? It’s up to you, Desi.”
She averted her face, remaining still and silent for a few minutes. He let her be. She must be feeling very exposed and vulnerable right now, so he had to follow her lead. Besides, intentionally or not, he guessed he had pushed her in some way when he had said he would leave. Maybe all that time in therapy after he’d come home for good had taught him something, he thought sourly.
Finally, she looked at him. Then haltingly she crossed the floor and lowered herself onto the couch beside him. Not enough to touch, a good six inches between them, but a remarkable sign of trust.
“How did you become so understanding?” she asked quietly.
“Well...I’ve lived it, dealt with some trauma, went to therapy...which helps a little but somehow doesn’t get rid of the nightmares... And if that’s made me more understanding then good.”
“Good? You can say that? I can’t even imagine the horrible experiences you’ve had.”
“No, you probably can’t, and I’m glad of that. But it remains, the psychologist I worked with at the VA once told me something. I’m not sure if it was pointed at me, just a general statement or an off-the-cuff remark.”
She turned her head a little, looking at him from the corner of her eye. “Yes?”
“She said the usual stuff about what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. It may be true, but I wasn’t buying it back then. Anyway, then she came at it from a different direction. She said all the bad things that happen to us? If we let them, they can make us better people, more understanding and more empathetic.” He passed a hand over his face, feeling suddenly very weary. Life, he sometimes thought, was a burden that never quit. “I didn’t really hear it at the time, I was too self-absorbed, too angry, but it kind of stuck. And maybe she was right.”
“That sounds like making lemonade out of lemons.”
He nodded. “Maybe so. But what else are we going to do?”
She grew silent again and he let her be. Nothing helped the nightmares that clung. Nothing but time. Seeing her peer into her own abyss had caused him to look into his own a bit. He tried to do that as rarely as possible, but in the dead of night, sleeping, there were no defenses, and waking from a nightmare confused about where he was...well, nothing prevented that. Time had helped, but it hadn’t cured. All he could say with any truth was that he’d learned to better control himself and his mind.
“The past can’t be changed,” she said eventually.
“Nope.” He wished it could, but he was sure that billions of other people often wished it could be and with the same lack of success.
Time passed. Seldom had Kel felt as aware of minutes slipping beyond reach. He’d been in situations where minutes dragged endlessly and he wished them gone, but never before had he felt them eluding him, and worse, that no one could know how many of them were left.
Desi suddenly rose, and there was something determined in the way she moved. “I’m going to call the hospital and check up on Don, and the sheriff to find out if they’ve learned anything. Then you and I are going to have a talk about this plan of yours.”
* * *
The call with the hospital was brief. Despite Desi’s position with Game and Fish, they were reluctant to release information. All she learned was that Don was stable.
So next she dialed the sheriff’s office and was immediately told to call Gage Dalton at home. He answered after a couple of rings. “Just got in from the scene, Desi. I’m eating a reheated dinner that Emma sweetly saved for me. How about I drop by when I’m done?”
“I’d appreciate it. I’m troubled and I want to compare notes.”
“You’re not the only one.”
When she hung up, she faced Kel. “The sheriff’s coming over.”
“Good,” he answered and rose, stretching until joints popped.
God, he looked good, she thought. She wished she knew how to reac
h for what he seemed to offer. Then she reminded herself it was the wrong time. Maybe the wrong everything. More important matters needed her attention.
“You think he discovered anything?” he asked, shaking his arms and shoulders a bit. Clearly he wasn’t good at sitting for long.
“I don’t know, but he’s had an opportunity to question Thor in depth. Maybe even to speak to Don. Anyway, I’ve got wardens I need to tell something before they go out in those woods. Their instinct, once they hear about this, is going to be looking for those guys and their dogs. I don’t know if I want them all converging. We need to put our heads together.”
Then, feeling her level of tension ratchet until her skin tightened, she asked, “What kind of cockamamie plan did the WIU have? How was this supposed to really work? You’re one man. Why would anybody be nervous about what you’re doing? I don’t like this.”
“Neither do I,” he answered. “Not now.” He shook his head a bit, then started pacing. “I don’t know how much of this I’ve shared with you and how much I simply thought about, but I’ve been growing more and more troubled by this whole thing.”
“Why?” She folded her arms and waited, feeling her heart accelerate a bit, her stomach flutter uneasily. If he was questioning it...
“Look, I was a grunt. I didn’t make overall plans, strategies, any of it. I was the guy they’d tell take this hill, this group of caves, this town. Just that simple. One objective, me and my men, and it was my job to know how to do those things. I never had the big picture. I had my piece of it. They said do it and I did it. So when WIU said do it, I came without question to do exactly that. Impersonate an illegal outfitter, and wait for one of the bad guys to apply pressure. Get us a name.”
He looked at her, but she had nothing to say. The only new information was what he had told her about himself.
“Anyway,” he went on, “it was never my job to evaluate what I’d been told to do. It was my job to do it. I took this the same way. Go there, do this, wait for that. It seemed pretty straightforward, and my skill is adapting to the unexpected. Seemed okay.”
“But now it doesn’t?”
