«It’s a shame that Giuseppe could not be here with us. »
«Do you get bored being with me? » Jessica asked, jokingly.
Sidney laughed for a moment, and then he lowered his eyes and said in a serious tone:
«It's not that I get bored. I, simply, am afraid. »
Jessica looked at him thoughtfully. «Afraid of me? »
Sidney stood up, picked up a stone and threw it away.
«Jessica I love you. I never stopped loving you. »
«I'm about to get married to Giuseppe. How can you say that? »
«I'm sorry. »
The woman blinked her eyes and shook his head nervously.
«A long time ago, I thought that we would have loved each other forever and that we would have grown old together, but then things changed. Now I do not feel anything for you. »
A yellowing leaf broke away from a willow and a light wind made her fly through the air. A beautiful brightly-colored hummingbird flew by and began to fly imitating the leaf’s movements. Life and death, joy and pain were dancing together. Opposites that attract each other. But it was all an illusion, after a few seconds the leaf fell on the grass and the hummingbird flew away.
Even Sidney and Jessica were two opposites. He knew he did not deserve it, but he loved her and felt that she loved him too. Everything else was nothing.
Throughout the rest of the day, Sidney acted as a friend and a gentleman.
They walked up to Madison Avenue and entered a bookstore. Sidney bought the first edition of Alice in Wonderland.
They went to Riverside West and watched the play of Punchdrunk, British artists who performed in an abandoned hotel. Sidney and Jessica along with the other spectators walked around the lobby and the rooms listening to the actors playing Romeo and Juliet.
Soon after, they went to the roof terrace of the Empire State Building.
Jessica lifted the binoculars to the sky. Sidney said with passionate and romantic voice:
«Look at that beautiful moon. It has just emerged from its daytime hiding place. Reach out and try to grab it. »
The woman broke into a smile. «But it's impossible. »
The man brought his lips to her ear, whispering:
«But it's nice to have the illusion of being able to do something impossible. »
«Please, stop it. »
Sidney's voice was deep like a never expressed desire. «Now look at the stars. Those great and very distant lights lighten up the night for millions of years and look at the universe. It is infinite ... and we, on the other hand, are only ants compared to them. But, lucky ants because it was on earth that were created the conditions that made possible the spark of life. How likely was it that out of all the planets, only ours was given that privilege? »
«I do not understand what you're getting at. »
«We are not like the universe, we die and it's all over. »
«Now I understand. You want to bring me joy. » Jessica said jokingly.
But the man's eyes were serious, «When you understand all this, when you really understand that life is not eternal, you do not want to waste a single moment. You realize that what is important is here, right now, that what is important is your own happiness, what you really want and not what can make your parents or Giuseppe or me happy, only what Jessica's heart wants. »
While Sidney was speaking, he was moving his lips towards Jessica’s mouth and just as they were about to touch the woman pulled back. «I beg you, let’s go back home. »
They left their coats at the entrance and headed into the kitchen. «I had a great day. »
«Me too. »
Sidney took her hand. «We looked like a couple. Do you remember when we were together? The many sweet moments we shared: the first visits to your house, the words of love that we whispered, the smiles from the heart, the joys. When I was not with you, I felt your absence, even though we had only been away from each other by a few minutes. I was happy, like few people, and then we kissed all the time ... Have you ever felt these emotions for someone else? »
The man leaned his mouth towards the woman’s and kissed her.
Jessica, upon contact with his lips, gasped, pulled her hands away and pointed both of them to her chest, but weakly, as if not wanting to stop the time. Sidney then continued with his kiss.
Jessica got up, bringing her hands to her mouth. «But what am I doing? »
«You and I love each other. We always have. »
She blushed and looked away guiltily. «It's late, damn, it's late! »
Sidney took her by the waist and carried her into the guest room and laid her on the bed. They undressed slowly. The white satin bedsheets caressed their bare skin.
The last time he had seen Jessica with no clothes on. She was only a girl, but now he was facing a woman. Her breasts were tonified. Her waist was narrow and her butt perfect.
Their bodies felt young and their hearts free. Sidney said with passionate voice:
«Are you
ready? It is the point of no return. »
Jessica nodded.
He kissed her on the mouth and the woman felt a shiver when their tongues started touching.
He put his arm around her waist and held her close. With some movements of the pelvis, at first slow and then faster, he took her and felt the warmth of her belly.
Jessica buried her face in her lover's chest, trying to stifle the cries of pleasure and gave herself to him without hesitation or remorse.
Sidney could not stop kissing her. His lips moved from her face to the neck and then to the breasts, then back to the face, stopping only a few seconds to moan and breathe, and then he kissed her eyes. He had had sex many times in his life, even with beautiful women, but now he was making love and he was ecstatic. It was not just his penis that was excited, but also his heart, his eyes, his mouth, everything in him was making love.
He and she were the perfect composition of two intertwined bodies in soft silk sheets.
Sidney closed her eyes. Jessica threw back her head, and in that moment, they reached the orgasm, together. Their pleasure exploded in unison.
Exhausted and panting they let themselves fall on the bed, but after being separated, they missed each other and went back to touch each other: their legs tucked and crossed with each other. His arms on her neck and hers on his shoulders.
Jessica got out of bed, naked as a wine soaked fish.
Sidney stood up, took the phone from the pocket of his pants and hugged the woman.
The moon came in through the window and gently wrapped in its light the two bodies drenched in love.
«Every time I hear this song I think of you» said Sidney, then pushed the keys on the display and the voice of Amy Lee filled the room.
I’ve dreamed of a place for you and me, nobody knows we're there.
All I want is to give my life only to you. Let's run away, I'll take you there.
Let’s forget this life, come with me, do not look back, you're safe now.
Open your heart, lower your defenses, do not let anyone stop you.
Sidney swallowed with his mind in turmoil. «I love you. »
The woman’s voice seemed to die in her throat, but then it found the path of the heart and came out with passion:
«I love you too. »
CHAPTER 13
In 2000, Giuseppe won a scholarship to study at Oxford and, fresh of age, he left for England.
He had studied with great willpower. He was a perfectionist, never satisfied with himself, and he was not willing to accept anything that was not as perfect as he wanted.
After his departure, Sidney began to skid. He closed himself in the arcades and spent his days playing football, billiards, smoking pot and drinking beer. He had done it in the past, but Giuseppe used to go get him from where he was and take him to take some air, to pick mushrooms or fishing. Now that Giuseppe had left, Jessica had tried to take him away from there, but she was not as convincing as his friend.
>
So, in the long run, Jessica and Sidney continued to see each other less and less.
But the meltdown occurred a few months later, shortly after Sidney had come of legal age. He opened a gaming account on an Internet betting site, and since then he started to only rarely get out of the house and mostly at night.
Jessica called him on his cell phone, sent him messages, sounded the ring bell of his house, but he always replied that he was busy, and that she had to leave him alone.
The demon of the game had possessed him, had seized his soul, and now it was slowly eating him; tired eyelids covered two vacant and distant eyes. His expression was stunned. His movements were slow and bored. His words were confused.
At first, it seemed just a hobby. Betting made the matches in television more interesting, fuller of spices, and besides it was only small amounts of money.
But then the first win came, and something evil was born in his head.
The bets that he used to place only on the weekends turned into daily bets, Italian football became French football, English, Swedish, Russian, Icelandic, Argentinian and other nations that he did not even know existed. Football around the world became basketball, volleyball, football, tennis, skiing, and even other sports, such as curling, which he had never watched and he did not know the rules.
First the liras and then the euros that he bet started to multiply exponentially.
When he won something, even large sums, he lost it again within a few days.
He could not accept defeat, so he had to bet even more Euros, in order to recover what he had lost, but ended up losing those too.
He began to ask his mother for money, making up ever more absurd excuses, convinced that soon the wind would change, that this time he could not lose, but the wind blew only towards one direction: inevitably, eventually, the house always won.
He often missed by a whisker, just as he was about to make lots of money, he usually saw his big wins fade away at the last minute of a game.
But despite the fact that that happened often, he clung to the hope that the next day it would be different, that he would make it.
When he used to lose, he cursed his fate or the referee who had whistled a penalty that did not exist or a linesman who hadn’t trumpeted an offside. He never took it against himself. He always found somebody or something else to blame.
No one knew of his vice, his mother still thought it was an innocent game in which he only invested a few euros a week.
She was a very tough and independent woman. She waited hopeful that her son, now an adult, abandoned the house and went elsewhere in search of fortune, so that she could finally get back her life.
But when she realized that that would not have happened, she fled to Rome with Ugo Tazzoni, a former boyfriend of high school, who was so in love with Nicoletta that had left his wife and children to follow her. Ugo was an ugly man, naive and good-natured, but had a lot of money and that in the eyes of Nicoletta made him an ideal match.
Nicoletta had abandoned her son, leaving him the house and some savings.
Sidney started to spend all his time in front of the computer. His mind was absorbed and obsessed by the bets, thinking every second of his day about the bookmakers' odds.
He got out of bed every morning just waiting for the start of the matches and watched them all. Sometimes, he even followed sporting events in the Americas, which took place at night, sometimes he didn’t even sleep. It could happen that he would stay awake for two days and two nights in a row. The black coffee and some good weed helped him a lot.
Sometimes he had moments of lucidity, patches of sunshine which illuminated the darkness in which he had sunk. In those moments he realized that he had to get out. He realized that he no longer had a life, he was fully conscious, but he didn’t manage, in any way, to react. He had no will power strong enough to get out of the quicksands that pulled him down into the abyss.
He didn’t listen to music anymore. He did not go to the movies, and above all, the most painful aspect for him, he could not see Jessica, he only lived to win the bets.
If he could not connect to the internet to check the live scores, he literally freaked out.
One day, the computer modem had reception problems, and there was no way to connect to the internet, so enraged he destroyed the monitor. He had a physical need to know the results instead of drinking, eating, or sleeping.
He had uncontrollable mood swings: if he won the bet, he was exalted, was happy, seeing the world in color. But if the lost, he became irritable, nervous, and electric. He had the need to smash the objects and fight with anyone for whatever reason.
These humor yo-yos used to happen to him even during the matches and caused him a lot of stress and a fatigue that clouded every other aspect of his life, including his love life.
The attraction he felt towards Jessica, in fact, had disappeared. On rare occasions where they could see each other, Sidney was bored. He considered it a waste of time and tried to finish as soon as possible, to go back to the internet and play.
He needed help! He could not get out by himself. He had fallen into a pathological addiction. He was addicted to sports gambling.
Jessica realized that a heavy sword of Damocles was hanging over her boyfriend’s head. It was inevitable that sooner or later he would have discovered the lies. Sidney’s lies were articulated and weighted, but they were so many that he could not remember them all.
If a woman puts an unbounded trust in you, when you kill this trust with your lies, there is going back.
Sometimes Sidney had thought of telling the truth to Jessica, to see if she would be with him even in that abyss. However, when the time to do it really came, he could not find the strength to confess his obsession, and not for fear of being judged by her but for fear of her forgiveness, which he would not have been able to bear.
Jessica came through the window of his room, without letting him know.
«Sidney! But what are you doing? » Asked aloud, stomping her the right foot on the floor and her hands resting on her hips in the typical attitude of those who do not back off if they do not get what they want.
The room was dark. The only light was that of the computer that faintly illuminated the boy. Sidney had not even turned around because he was betting live on a Wimbledon match.
Sidney stood. He was hunched in a sturdy iron chair that could barely contain him. He was swaying back and forth with his eyes shut, locked in his torment.
Jessica turned on the light on and found herself in front of an unseemly spectacle: the room was a dirty dumpster, there were bulks of clothes thrown everywhere, cigarette butts were scattered in every corner, a nauseating stench was coming from under the bed, and there was moldy leftover food at Sidney’s feet.
The boy was wearing only his underwear. The underwear had yellowish spots in the front and dark ones on the backside. All his body was dirty covered in greasy stains and mayonnaise that had been there for several days, which were mixed with the hair, creating a sort of slime.
«Oh my God! » Exclaimed the horrified girl. «But how the hell did you end up in this state? »
Sidney turned away for a moment, his face full of patches of dry saliva. He had his eyes half closed, wounded by the light of the lamp. He spoke slowly and with difficulty, like a man stuffed of tranquilizers.
«What are you doing here? Go away! »
Anyone would have run away in front of that unseemly spectacle, but Jessica walked to Sidney and hugged him.
The man stunk of sweat and dirt do badly that Jessica had to restrained herself from vomiting, but the girl did not back off from that position.
Sidney turned his head towards the monitor and continued to watch the match between Sampras and Agassi, the final of the US Open tennis, but held out his left hand towards Jessica's hands and squeezed them.
Roger Federer had won the first set with a score of 6-3, but Andre Agassi had tied the results with a 6-2 in the second set. Sidney was
tense. He had bet 250 Euros that the American would win.
Each point of the Swiss was like a stab. He trembled every time that Agassi lost a point.
Jessica whispered in his ear:
«I’m here. I'll help you. »
The girl pulled away for a moment. She released an armchair from the clothes that were fully covering it, dragged it and sat down next to him.
Federer won the tie-break of the third set with 7-6 and Sidney felt dizzy.
In the fourth set, the Swiss claimed the victory by 6 to 1. Sidney had a panic attack. He could not breathe. In just that day, he had lost about 1350 euros.
Jessica opened the window, took his head and brought it to her chest: «It's okay. It will pass. I am here! »
Sidney’s green eyes were distant, vacant, sometimes for no reason. They focused on one thing, and then quickly moved towards the floor. He could no longer control his body and he was terrified.
They spent hours in silence, then they fell asleep with the computer turned on, side by side, hand in hand.
When Sidney opened his eyes, he turned to face the girl and kissed her lips.
«I don’t want you to carry my weight, my shadows and my faults on your shoulders. »
Jessica whispered:
«I love you. »
«I love you too and that is exactly why I’m leaving you. »
«But, I do not understand. »
Sidney showed a repulsive grin and shouted in an evil voice:
«So how do I have to break it to you? I do not want to see you ever again. Get out of my life right away. »
The girl ran away crying.
After Jessica was gone, Sidney drowned his sorrows by betting even more compulsively, almost at random, with a clouded mind.
In a few days, he had lost all what his mother had left him and much more.
He was forced to sell the house to pay off his debts.
He went to live in the open countryside, in an old house that was abandoned and in ruins. It was located just outside of town, with no electricity or running water, and with the glasses in the windows broken.
The Eternal Moment Page 6
