by Sophia Smith
She started to read a little bit more, and it started to snowball into something else. At first, Angela was just grateful to have Linda, but then, this started to change.
I don’t know when I started to feel this way, but I think I have a crush on Linda. She was always listening to my rants, and I always felt like Linda appreciated me. Today, we touched hands and I felt my heart skip a beat.
But, she definitely doesn’t see me in this same way.
I wish I could tell her, but I fear this.
Linda continued to read. The crush started to spiral into something else, and Linda read through a year’s worth of journal entries, and soon, she read one that made her stop.
I almost told her today. I almost told Linda the truth.
The thing is, Linda always listened to my struggles, always was here for me no matter what, and in truth, I wanted to tell her that I liked her.
But, I never saw Linda show interest in women, so I always pretended to smile, to be happy. I always acted like whenever she told me about guys she liked, that it didn’t faze me at all.
But, it did.
It really freakin did. I wish I could tell Linda the truth, that I hated hearing about her crushes but I always tried to keep it to myself, keeping that fake smile that she believed so easily.
I knew that if I continued down this path, I’d be miserable, but I’d much rather be miserable and faking it to be happy for the woman I love, than to lose her. I really wished that I could just come forward about the way that I felt about Linda, but I knew that telling her would only get worse over time. I feared what might happen, I feared rejection, but was it really right to be continuing this trend, when in reality it was only going to eat me alive?
I don’t know for sure.
I really, really don’t know.
Linda felt like crying as she read this. She didn’t know that Angela felt so strongly for her, and that she was always struggling to keep it together, to keep a smile, and to be happy. She was always so supportive of everything that Linda did, that it felt so…natural in a sense. But now, upon reading all of this, Linda felt the tears start to fall against her arms.
Today, Linda told me about another guy that she’d fallen for. She was super popular with the guys because she was thick, and the guys liked her big butt and nice boobs. I tried to always be happy and always tell her good job whenever she would tell me about these guys, but in truth, I felt miserable. I felt like…like I was being slapped in the face as she did this.
She did it again, and I hated it. But, I didn’t want to worry her, and I didn’t want to make Linda feel bad for my feelings.
I know that if I got jealous now, she’d ask why, and then, I’d have to go to her, tell her the truth, and tell her how I felt.
But the thing is, I don’t know if I could keep this up anymore. Every time she’s upset I just want to hug her and give her a kiss, telling her that everything will be okay. I just wanted to show my love for her.
I wanted to…I wanted to tell her that I love her. But, I don’t really know what else I can do at this point.
So, ‘ll continue to fake it, continue to be supportive of everything that she did, and hide…the truth.
Linda wanted to stop reading, to figure out the easiest way to contact Angela but she couldn't stop reading. There was something practically pulling her to read more of this, and something which kept egging her on to read more from whatever was going on in Angela’s head.
So she did, and she read a few more journal entries, but all of them had the same vibes, that she loved Linda, and she couldn’t let it go.
Then, she got to the final journal entry, and she realized that this was something that she needed to read. She was scared to read the last entry, because she didn’t know what else she could hear, what else Angela was feeling. But then, she read it.
It happened again.
We worked so hard to lose weight, and I was about to tell her the truth, that I loved her, but then Linda went off to ask that guy out again, the one that she was in “Love” with. I was heartbroken when I heard that they were together. I was supposed to be the one that she would be with after we both lost all that weight.
She’s gorgeous, and I feel regret for all of these feelings, but I also knew that whatever it was that I was going through was probably never going to be felt by Linda.
The thing is, I found an internship to study abroad. It said two years, but I think I can swing it for much longer. I didn’t care. I was tired of having to act just like a friend towards Linda, when in truth, I wanted to just tell her how I felt.
The thing is, the pain that I felt was only going to get worse over time, and if I didn’t do something about it, then I would be feeling these feelings for a very long time.
So, I’m going to leave.
I’m going to go away, and I’m going to make it never bother me again. I’ll stay away, find someone new to love, and get rid…get rid of the pain that Linda made me feel. The only way for me to ease all of this pain, was to leave, and while it hurt me inside and outside to do all of this, I knew what I was doing by engaging in this.
So goodbye Linda. If you ever find this, maybe you’ll come back and we can talk about this. But for now…I’ll be gone.
Linda closed the diary, her heart heavy as she looked at this, and she realized that this was her true feelings. Angela did love her , and Linda was a total idiot for not realizing this.
“How could I…not realize this?” she said.
She felt stupid for not realizing the truth. Linda sat there, holding the diary and crying in sadness at the thought of this. She couldn’t believe that she didn’t even realize this at all, that she was just…this stupid really!
Linda felt regretful for never realizing the truth. Was it because she always saw herself as straight that she never realized that, while she looked for true love, she didn’t realize it was there the whole time. She was chasing a pipe dream that she was trying so desperately to fulfill for nothing. She couldn’t believe this.
As she sat there, she realized that the fog that felt left, that the sadness that she had in place, was now long gone. She was now wide awake, and it was time to go and do what she felt was right.
“I need to go see her, to tell her that I love her, and that I missed her, she told herself.
Linda headed out to the living room where Ellen was.
“What’s the matter? Have you been crying?” she said.
“Yeah Ellen. I’m a stupid dumbass,” she said.
“What are you talking about? No you’re not,” she snapped.
“No, I am. I’m definitely a total idiot. I didn’t…I didn’t realize how Angela felt about me. I was wrong, I was chasing after someone who wasn’t even the right person for me, and I left someone that I knew really cared about me behind,” she admitted.
Angela’s mother whistled, sitting there on the couch. Angela’s mom Ellen always treated her like her own, and this was no exception.
“You mean Angela, right?” she said.
Linda blushed.
“Yeah, I didn’t know that Angela loved me. It was so oblivious. Wait…did you know?” she asked.
“Sort of. I kind of knew that she had a thing for you, I just didn’t know how badly it was. I felt that you needed to figure out the answers to this yourself, so I never stepped in. but, I’m glad that you figured it out,” she said.
“Yeah, now I just need to figure out where she is,” Linda said.
“Do you have any idea of where she might be?” Ellen asked.
Linda paused. She really didn’t know. She knew it was in London somewhere, but she didn’t think it would be this easy to find Angela.
“I’m not sure, but there might be someone who could help me. Let me give them a call, and see what we can do,” she said.
“Very well. If you need any financial assistance, let me know. I’ll help keep the house maintained too while you’re gone. Angela did say what block she was in, but I n
ever got an address for some reason,” she said.
“Thanks. There is something else that I need to do first. It might be hard, and it might take a bit, but I’ll be back to pack and figure out where Angela is shortly,” Linda said.
“Very well, I need to go back to the house,” Ellen said.
Linda wished Ellen told her about this sooner, because she felt like a damn fool, but she quickly made her way over to her car, driving it over to Thomas’s place. She texted him, asking if he would be home, and he said yeah, but asked her why she was coming over suddenly. Linda felt guilty for not saying it right away, but there was something she needed to do.
She felt regretful for holding back for so long, and she was definitely feeling bad for her actions, but she had to do this. When she got to the doorway, she saw Thomas there, who looked at her with wide eyes.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were at home cleaning,” he said.
“I was, but there is…there’s something else we need to talk about right now.”
Chapter 8
Linda felt both ready, but also nervous about all of this. She had no idea how he would take it, and whether this would be okay.
“Alright, can I get you anything?”
“No Thomas. I just…I can’t lie to you anymore,” she said.
“What do you mean?” Thomas said.
They walked into the living room, and Linda realized he wasn’t lying about having all of this. But, it was better to just accept the life that she had, and the feelings she had for Angela now, rather than to continue down this path.
“The truth is Thomas…I haven’t been all that honest with you,” she said.
“I knew it,” he said.
“What do you mean?” Linda asked.
“You’ve been cheating on me, haven’t you?” he said.
Linda looked at him with a scoff, but then shook her head.
“No, you have that all wrong,” She said.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
She knew this would either end nicely, or she’d have to deal with the fallout from Thomas.
“I haven’t been all that honest with you. About my feelings. You might’ve noticed that well…I kind of am bad with this. You noticed a while ago that there was something wrong, and I think it’s right time I told you what it was,” Linda said.
She felt bad that it had to happen like this. He looked at her, and for a moment, he sighed.
“It’s another guy isn’t it? I had a feeling it was another man,” he said.
“What? No of course not! It’s not another guy at all. In fact, I didn’t realize the feelings that I had weren’t for a man,” she admitted.
Thomas looked at her, his head in his hands for but a moment, but when he looked up at her, his eyes widened.
“Wait, so…it’s not,” he asked.
“Not at all. The truth is Thomas, I lost a lot of weight with the help of my best friend, who I didn’t realize was in love with me. Her name’s Angela, and she was with me during my worst times. When you first rejected me I…I actually told her. I almost killed myself that night, but she was here for me when nobody else was. I can’t thank her enough for that, but I noticed that…over time I was not feeling the spark with you that I did with her,” she explained.
“I knew it,” he said.
“Wait, you knew I was…gay?” she asked.
“Well not gay, but the person that you liked was much better than I’d ever be. I had a feeling you liked women, but wasn’t sure. But, it sounds like you really like her,” he said.
“I love her Thomas. I didn’t realize until recently, when she left…she was a big part of my life,” she admitted.
“I see. Well, I’m not going to stand a chance against that,” he said jokingly.
She laughed.
“You don’t. She was my best friend throughout high school, and for so much longer. She’s always been…a big part of my life. I always just thought of it like a friend, but never like how she wanted to be. Something more. I kind of regret it,” Linda admitted.
“Well, I noticed something was off the moment you started distancing yourself from me. But, I didn’t want to get too involved, since it seemed like a sore spot for you. But, I’m not mad. In fact, I’m relieved because I didn’t want you to fall into something with someone you didn’t totally love,” he admitted.
“Yeah, I guess that’s a good thing to take from this. I just…feel a little regretful for my actions, for not telling you sooner. I feel weak for not coming clean about my feelings,” Linda admitted.
“Hey, everyone makes mistakes. We all kind of just…live and learn. I’m sorry for being such an asshole when you first were interested in me. I was young, immature, and stupid. So I’m sorry,” he said.
“Apology accepted,” Linda said.
“Yeah, I realized I was kind of a douche towards you, and I apologize,” he said.
“It’s…it’s okay, I guess I was pretty crappy for what I did too,” she replied.
“Anyways, I hope whatever happens between you and her works out swimmingly,” he said.
“Thanks, I’m happy that things are easier for both of us. I feel bad for holding back my feelings,” Linda said.
“Sometimes, you need to figure out for yourself what you want out of a relationship Linda. I guess coming to terms with your sexuality is a bit hard for you to do too. I can’t totally relate, but I notice the difference already,” he said.
“True. Thanks Thomas. For being understanding. You know, I was expecting you to take this a lot worse than you currently are,” she said.
“Well, I’m a little disappointed, especially since I did like you a lot, but I’m just…I’m just happy you’re not holding back your feelings anymore,” he admitted.
“True, I’m glad too,” Linda said.
“If you need anything in the future, let me know and I’ll get it for you,” he said.
“Thanks. I think I’m just going to take my stuff and then head on out. I don’t really want to leave anything around. I’m going to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m coming back,” she said.
“To your home?”
“Yeah. I just…I need to figure this out,” she said.
Linda grabbed the few things she left around here, trying to figure out what to do now. She called Jenny, telling her that she needed some help. Jenny said that they can meet up later on today, which made Linda happy. She was just relieved that Jenny and Vanessa would still talk to her after all the stupid shit she did.
Linda went to Jenny and Vanessa’s place, and after she rang the door, she saw Jenny there.
“You seem happy,” Jenny said with a smile.
“Hey Jenny, so…I’m an idiot,” she said.
“What do you mean?” she said.
“What I mean is…I’m stupid for not realizing how Angela felt. Seriously, how could I go so long without realizing this,” she said.
“Sometimes it happens like that,” Vanessa said.
“I’ll…I’ll tell you both inside. I’m not sure what I should do at this point, other than to seek out help. I’m just…shocked at it all, that’s all,” she said.
“It’s okay. We all have our bad days, and we all have our screw ups,” Vanessa said.
“Yeah well, I’m just a brittle embarrassed by mine,” Linda said.
“Let me guess, it has something to do with Angela,” Jenny said with a smirk.
“How did you—”
“We could tell the moment you walked in Linda,” Vanessa said.
“Well yeah, I’m a total idiot. I just…I didn’t realize that she loved me like that,” she said.
“I mean, you were deluded by love and all. It makes sense that you didn’t realize that you were missing out on what was right in front of you,” Vanessa said.
“Yeah, I guess it takes some time, and you were trying to understand yourself too,” Jenny said.
“Yeah, I’m a total idiot. I thought that Angela just w
anted to be friends. She was always so supportive. I just…I can’t believe I did this,” she said, her head in her hands.
“It’s okay, we all have our moments Linda, the big thing to do now, is to figure out how in the world you can find her again. I’m sure once you do, you can apologize to her,” Vanessa said.
“Yeah, but do you know where she is?” Linda asked.
She hoped that both of them knew in some regard, but Vanessa shook her head.
“I haven’t spoken to her since she left the country. Do you know Jenny?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’ve been talking with Ellen. She told me that she had her address now. I think it’s a good idea though Linda. You should go see her, and I’ll get that address for you,” she said.
“True. I think that’s fine,” Linda said.
Jenny then left the room, heading over to the computer and typing a few words in. She then started to open up a couple of emails, writing something down. She then grabbed the piece of paper, giving it to Linda.
“Here you go, one address to see your girlfriend. I think you should go now, or as soon as you can. Did you break up with that waste of time?” Jenny said.
“You mean Thomas? Yeah, we ended things. I think he didn’t really care about our relationship all that much,” Linda said.
“You think?” Jenny muttered.
“What do you mean?” Linda asked.
“Linda, I’m going to be honest with you, I’m really happy you lost weight, but the fact that he was adamant about not dating you because you were fat was kind of shitty, and he only wanted to date you because you’re hot now. You don’t need that. think about Angela. She has been there with you the entire time, and it’s obvious she cares a whole lot more about you than you think,” she stated.
“You’re…you’re right rally. I can’t really blame her though,” she said.
“Yeah, she loves you Linda. I think it’s time that you make it right. You’ve got some catching up to do,” Vanessa said.
“Yeah, we really do. but, do you think she wants to see me”
“Judging from the way her mom continues to inform me of what’s going on, I think so. I think she only left because she thought it was the answer, when in reality, it’s not. You’re better off being honest with her Linda. Just…tell her you fucked up, and go see her,” Jenny said.
