I have a good job, and it didn’t make sense for me to follow him on the road and try to start a career if he was going to be traded or moved up soon. Seth makes very little as a minor league player, so it’s not financially feasible for me to travel with him and not work. We both thought it was best I stay behind until something more financially stable comes along. That means we make the most out of the time we do have together.
Walking up to the door of my apartment, I try the doorknob, but it’s locked. Hmm, maybe he went out for a bit. I unlock the door and let myself in. Music hits my ears as soon as I close the door. It’s a little loud, but not blaringly so, and it’s coming from the bedroom. With a smile on my face, I go in search of him, hoping to catch him in a compromising position I can join him in.
I tiptoe toward the source of the noise, careful not to make much noise. When I enter, the bed is empty so I keep pushing. I round the corner to the bathroom and freeze.
Bent over the counter is my best friend, Kylie, and ramming himself into her from behind is my fiancé, Seth. I know I should move or scream or . . . something, but nothing happens. I can see both of their faces so clearly in the mirror. He has one hand in her hair, pulling her head back. Her mouth is parted as she moans and screams. His jaw tightens as do all the muscles in his body while he pulls in and out of her. Being this close, the slapping of their skin can be heard above the music as well as the sound of my heart shattering into a million pieces.
“Does she let you do this?” she asks, still not aware I’m watching.
“No, fuck, you feel amazing. Your pussy is so tight,” he says through gritted teeth.
“Are you sure you want to give this up?”
“Ahh, shit. I’m gonna come, baby. I’m gonna come.”
I think I’m going to be sick.
He pulls out of her disgusting body and strokes himself a few times before finishing all over her lower back and ass. He groans with his release as she lets out a content sigh. As soon as they stand up, they realize they have an audience.
I want to yell. I want to cuss. I want to hit and lash out at them in the most violent of ways, but I’m too broken. Because in the last few minutes, all of my dreams came crashing down. What I once thought was perfect was all a lie. A repulsive, cut you to your soul kind of lie.
“Lydia,” Seth starts, surprise clear in his voice.
I shake my head, tears finally forming in my eyes until he’s nothing but a blurry image before me. I wish I could blur what I saw them doing just as easily, but it’s imprinted in my mind. Torturing me by playing on a constant reel and I know this moment will haunt me forever.
“So, of course, I called off the wedding,” I tell Marcus. “They’d been having an affair for several months prior to me finding out. That was the reason he didn’t want me to come visit him on the road anymore. He had her with him.”
“And he was still going to go through with the wedding?” His tone is firm, fierce even. Like this story upsets him as much as it upsets me.
I nod my head. “Yep. Not from a lack of her trying to persuade him to ditch me though. She was my maid of honor and had planned all these things for me. My bridal shower, bachelorette party, all of it. And the whole time she was stabbing me in the back by sleeping with my fiancé.” I look down at my lap as I pick the lint off my clothes and try to hold back the tears. It’s almost embarrassing to admit I was so naïve.
Marcus puts a comforting hand on my knee. For some reason, it gives me the strength to get through this. Retelling it unearths all the old emotions associated with him. I feel raw, vulnerable, and completely exposed. “Did you have any idea he was cheating?”
I give it some thought. “Looking back, I think subconsciously I did. There would be times I knew he should be in his hotel room when he was traveling and couldn’t get ahold of him. It was way in the deepest parts of my mind, but I was in denial. You know, out of sight, out of mind. But I didn’t have a clue he was cheating with my best friend.”
“You didn’t notice she was gone a lot?” Coming from anyone else, I’d feel like they were blaming me for what happened, but the concern flashing in his eyes lets me know he’s genuinely curious.
I shake my head. “She used to travel all the time with her parents growing up, and as we got older it was nothing for her to just up and leave.” I shrug, feeling stupid now. “I thought nothing of it.”
“Did your dad kick his ass, because I can’t see any father taking that news well.”
I huff out a humorless laugh. “Not exactly. I never told them the truth. Not that it would’ve mattered anyway.” I mutter the last part to myself.
His eyebrows draw in, confusion written all over his face. “What do you mean?”
“My mom and dad don’t know what he did to me, how he hurt me. When I graduated high school, my mom and I were talking when the subject of her friend’s divorce came up. Her husband had been unfaithful, which destroyed their marriage. Instead of supporting her friend, my mom said to me, ‘What kind of woman can’t hold on to her man?’ She blamed her friend for her husband’s infidelity.” I can still see the look of disbelief and disgust on her face as she said this. I never wanted it directed at me.
“I was ashamed and absolutely humiliated by what Seth did to me. My mom is a very judgmental person and my dad is a spineless man who goes with whatever my mother tells him. I thought it would be easier to tell them it didn’t work out and I had cold feet. I never expected them to shun me for it.” The hurt from that moment returns, stabbing me in the heart. I swallow hard to push back the tears that threaten in the backs of my eyes.
“My mom informed me that I was being selfish and self-centered. I tried to reason with her when she pointed out that the likelihood my career choice would provide financial stability was slim to none, and Seth was going to be able to take care of me.”
I’m brought back to the time I told her what I was majoring in.
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Lydia. I didn’t raise you to be the starving artist type. Then again, I guess you could do this as a hobby since you’ll be with Seth. He’ll be able to provide for you once he goes pro, then it won’t matter what you do.”
“She expected you to be a trophy wife?” What I can only describe as disgust coats Marcus’s words and face.
I nod slowly. “Pretty much. Anyway, so after I called the wedding off, our relationship hasn’t been the same and I’ve hardly seen or talked to them since.”
He grabs my hand and laces our fingers together. His silent strength does a lot to soothe the old aches and pains of the past.
“Now you know why I was so guarded in the beginning. The thought of going through something like that again was crippling.”
“I’m so sorry, babe.” He doesn’t look at me with pity, but understanding mixed with a little anger. He leans in and gives me a hug. His warmth and comfort soothes the broken emotions that still linger, but there are things that will never heal.
He pulls back a little. “I was in a state of despair that was affecting every aspect of my life. I started falling behind at work. I wasn’t getting projects done by their deadline and it was hurting my career. I fell into this depression where I let my heartache consume me entirely and I swore I’d never let a man do that to me ever again.”
There, I told him. I’m sure that’s the piece of the puzzle he’s been looking for. I know he senses my hesitation to commit the way he has so far in our relationship. Old habits die hard.
He leans in close and cups my face with his hand. “Lydia, I get it, but not all of us are like that. I promise you I’m not.” He searches my eyes before lowering his voice to a whisper. “Let me erase your pain.”
I shake my head. “No need. You’ve been doing that since the moment I met you.” My chin quivers as I’m overcome with emotions I can’t explain. When his lips touch mine, they’re like a calming balm to my battered heart. They keep it beating and revive my soul.
Pushing the hair out of my face, h
e says, “I care about you so much that the thought of causing any of your tears is like a punch to the gut. You’re safe with me, babe.”
I want to believe him, and I think in time I could, but for now, I say, “Show me.”
His eyes travel all over my face before they settle in on my lips. What starts as a slow, sweet kiss quickly deepens to the kind of kiss you feel in your toes. Leaning me back on the couch gently, he explores my mouth with his tongue, leaving not an inch untouched.
It takes mere seconds before I’m feeling it in my core as it tightens and my panties dampen. Placing one arm under my knee and the other under my back, he scoops me up, causing me to squeal from the sudden movement. He carries me to the bedroom as he continues to give me the gift of his mouth.
He’s taking everything slow—almost too slow—while we stand at the foot of the bed, and I’m about to explode. I start tearing off his shirt and clawing at the button on his pants to speed things up. When we are both naked, he leans back and trails my body with his eyes, leaving a fire in its wake. There’s something so erotic about being examined in your most vulnerable state.
“Perfection,” he says. My cheeks heat up at his praise. “Don’t sit down, just hold on to me, okay?”
Curious, I nod. He drops to his knees and throws one of my legs over his shoulder. When his tongue darts out and touches my seam, I nearly buckle to the floor. It’s a near impossible task to remain on my feet—or foot—with the onslaught my center is taking from his mouth and tongue. All the sucking and licking and flicking is enough to send me spiraling into a different universe. And after a few minutes, that’s exactly what happens.
Despite my best efforts, I fall back onto the bed as I yell out in ecstasy and scream his name. He follows me, sucking my clit until he’s drained every ounce of pleasure from my body. I can’t breathe and I swear I’ve died and gone to heaven. No lie, I see stars.
My eyes are still shut when I feel him climb up my body. “Uh uh, I’m not done with you yet.”
He wasn’t kidding either. Over the next several hours, he shows me exactly how he feels about me. With each thrust and every word of affection, my heart grows closer to becoming whole again. He worships and cherishes my body, making sure I’m completely sated and then some before he chases after his own release.
I’ve been avoiding this ever since I had my heart stomped on, but as Marcus and I hold each other while our heart rates come back down, I realize maybe I was just waiting for someone like him. All the emotions I tried to shove into a box break free, and it’s liberating. I’ve been numb all this time, but nothing helped me move on.
Until Marcus.
Better than being numb, I feel alive.
Lydia
AFTER A LONG day at the office, I’m finally back at home in my sweatpants. I’m pouring myself something to drink as I think about Marcus. Opening up about Seth two weeks ago took a huge burden off of my shoulders, but it also brought Marcus and I closer together.
I’ve spent so much time and effort hating Seth that I had no idea how consuming it was until I stopped doing it. Not many people know what Seth did to me. Given he was an up and coming baseball star, I wanted it to stay as quiet as possible. I was already humiliated; I didn’t need the world to know too.
When I told the girls what happened, I was ashamed like it was somehow my fault. I actually blamed myself, wondering if I had done something different, he would’ve remained faithful. I didn’t feel that with Marcus though. I felt safe and secure instead of vulnerable and weak.
Hate is a powerful emotion, but it hurts the person harboring this feeling more than the one it’s directed at. Seth doesn’t care that I hated him with every fiber of my being. He’s off making his millions and hailed as baseball’s most eligible bachelor since him and Kylie didn’t last. I was only torturing myself, letting him occupy that much space in my head and heart. He wins and I lose. Thinking back on that day still upsets me, but I’m learning to let it go and carry on with my life.
I’m startled and brought out of my thoughts when there’s a knock on my door. I’m not expecting anyone, so I have no clue who it could be. With brow furrowed, I walk to the door and look through the peephole. I see Marcus standing on the other side with one arm braced against the doorframe and his head down. He doesn’t usually show up unannounced, but I can’t say I mind that he’s here.
Opening the door, my smile drops as soon as he glances up and I get a look at his face. He’s still in uniform, which isn’t unusual. What’s uncharacteristic is the blood smeared on his neck, his bloodshot eyes, and harrowing expression.
“Marcus, what’s wrong?” My heart beats faster as I wait for the answer that explains why all the life looks like it’s been sucked from his body.
He doesn’t say a word, just walks straight to me and wraps his arms around me, burying his face in my neck. I hear him inhale my scent, and all I can do is hold on to him tight, clutching the back of his shirt as he works through whatever is going on right now.
“You’re worrying me. What happened?” I ask after a few minutes.
He pulls away revealing red rimmed eyes as he sniffs. I close the door and lead us both into the living room to have a seat. He stares straight ahead and I keep quiet to give him time to process things. When he speaks, his voice is so broken, it hurts my heart.
“I couldn’t save him,” he says.
“Who?” I ask, a sense of panic rising up my spine the longer I take in his distraught appearance.
“This kid.”
My throat tightens with the way he whispers the words and all I can think about is how I want to take away the pain he’s about to share with me.
“We got a call from a neighbor reporting they heard a lot of screaming coming from the house. I was the first to respond to the scene and it was chaos, Lydia. Just chaos.” He shakes his head as if reliving the moment before continuing. “When I got there, they were outside and the husband was waving a gun around, shouting and making threats. His back was to me, but I could see the fear all over the wife’s face. She was pleading, begging him not to do this, saying that she forgave him and they could work it out. I had my gun drawn and told him to drop his weapon. He spun around and the wife’s fear made sense. He was holding his son hostage. The little boy looked about eight years old. He was crying, begging me to help him, Lydia.”
A lead ball forms in the pit of my stomach and I’m terrified to hear the way this ends even though I know what’s coming.
“I was waiting for more help to arrive. There was nothing I could do. I’m not a sniper and the shot was too risky with his son right there. So I tried to talk to him. He was crazy, absolutely fucking crazy.” His hands scrub over his face like he’s trying to wipe the image away, and all I can do is listen to him recount an event I wished to God he’d never had to witness.
“He was going on about his wife ruining their lives. How there was only one way to make her feel the pain he’s had to endure.” His voice cracks and my eyes begin to water. “It all happened so fast. He looked at his wife and told her this was her fault, then he put the gun up to his son’s head and pulled the trigger.”
My hand flies to my mouth as I let out a gasp. His head hangs low, resting in his hands. I search for something to say to ease his pain but come up empty.
“I can’t get their voices out of my head,” he says in a tortured tone. After a short pause, he continues with his head still in his hands. “Dr. Greene,” he muses to himself. “Can you believe this guy was a doctor? Takes a fucking oath to save lives and ends up murdering his son. It’s amazing; you have a family that appears to have it all. Affluent neighborhood, nice cars, plenty of money, perfect family, yet they’re hiding the biggest demons. Calls like today are hard to shake.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I ask, “What happened to the dad?”
He looks up at me with no emotion. “I killed him. After he fired, I put five rounds in his chest.”
My eyes widen and my m
outh drops open. I’m not sure what I was expecting him to say, but it wasn’t that. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I know that’s hard—”
“No,” he says, interrupting me. “I don’t feel bad about shooting that piece of shit. He deserved to die. He terrorized his family and murdered his son as a way to hurt his wife. I have no remorse for ending his life.”
I’m momentarily stunned silent by his strong statement. This is a completely different side of Marcus that I’ve never seen before, but I get it. I don’t think less of him for the things he’s done or said and I’m glad he’s comfortable enough to open up to me. Truth is, the world is probably a better place without someone like that in it. Still, my heart breaks for the poor woman who has to endure such grief, and for the strong man who’s a shell of himself right now.
“I just—I needed you,” he whispers.
Standing up, I straddle his lap and hold his face in my hands. “It’s my turn to take away your pain.” My lips reach out to his in a soft embrace. I pour all of my love and acceptance into the innocent gesture, and he takes all of it. Pulling back, I wrap my arms around his neck and hold his face to my body. We hold on to each other so tight, we become one.
With each tremble that rolls through his body, my heart splinters a little more. I want to take away his turmoil so badly, but I know that’s impossible. All I can do is be here to support him through it. He was there for me two weeks ago when I told him about Seth, and I want to do the same in return.
“I need a shower. I’ve got to wash this off of me,” he says as he gently pushes me away.
Getting off of his lap, I help him up and walk him to the bathroom. “I have some sweats you left over here a couple weeks ago you can change into afterwards.” He continues into the bathroom while I grab a few things and some towels. Once I’ve undressed, I get into the shower with him. His hands are braced on the wall while the water pours onto his head and down his body. Even though I’m not under the stream, I can feel the scalding heat coming off of him.
Calculated Risk Page 9
