I was sure it was his favorite part of the Good Book since he said it to me every day. It was easy for him since every day he found a reason to take his belt to me.
I clutched the silver cross lying against my chest. I’d had it my entire life. My mom’s mom gave it to me when I was six and I’d never taken it off. It was usually hidden beneath my clothing, and it made me feel safe.
I used to pretend when I was younger that I could hide my soul in the cross so no one could ever take it away from me. My dad spent my childhood instilling in me the dangers of having a tainted soul and having it ripped away by the devil. It was my biggest fear. So when I was afraid that I’d done wrong or that something was going to hurt me, I’d imagine I was pouring my soul into the cross and I’d be guarded by something holy and good. It was how I made it through—my survival mechanism.
Years later, knowing it was impossible to tuck your soul away inside a silver charm, I still held strong to my cross and it still warmed my palm every time I felt like things were too much, when I thought I’d just about met my limit on the things I could take.
Once my dad left the room, I reached down and ran my fingers over my thigh. The thick welts were already starting to form. My skin felt hot to the touch and sore, but getting whipped with Daddy’s belt didn’t hurt anymore—not like it used to anyway. Instead of crying because of the pain, I’d shed the occasional hidden tear because of how degraded I felt.
It started when I was six—he caught me in a lie about eating an extra piece of candy—and it continued over the years. I never lied again from that moment on. It was beaten into me and it remained there. Lying was a sin, and if I lied, I was a sinner and I was going to burn in hell.
I was seventeen and afraid of any and everything, but mostly afraid of getting a spanking from my daddy like some elementary school child. How sad was I? No other girls my age even had to think about it. They were out living their lives, leaning and growing the proper way—by experience.
My home life was anything but exciting, which was why I almost hated going home after school each day. I suppose it was also the reason I’d do stupid things like burst out in tears randomly in the church bathroom. It wasn’t the first time I’d done it, but it was the first I’d been caught.
I couldn’t believe I’d done it again. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t, but I felt like I was disappearing. It was as if every time his belt met my skin, it was erasing me. When I felt that way, the only way I could feel alive was to pinch myself, or better yet, clutch my cross and cry my eyes out in the bathroom.
It didn’t make any sense to me. Crying, feeling any emotion in general, hurt and felt good at the same time. It was like I couldn’t help it. I rarely did it anywhere but my bedroom at night. Only then could I have silent tears on my cheeks without anyone knowing about them.
Everyone had a breakdown every now and again. At least that’s what I’d tell myself. I already felt like I belonged nowhere, that I was different from everyone else. Telling myself everyone else did it, too, made me feel a lot better.
Deep down I knew I had a depression problem and I needed to talk to someone, but what would my mother and father think if I asked to go to a therapist? They’d have me at the altar and have the entire congregation praying over me. Healing was God’s job. That’s what my dad would say to me. So instead of asking for help and risking another beating or having myself embarrassed in front of everyone, I hid it.
I usually locked the door. I wasn’t sure what had possessed me to not double-check the lock before I let myself go, but when the new boy walked in on me my humiliation was on the severe side. I doubted he knew what I was in there doing, but still it wasn’t fun. It’s not like normal people sit around and cry for no reason. I was probably the only person in the world who did something so stupid. Not to mention, the last thing I wanted him to see were the ugly welts from that afternoon’s “lesson” about obeying my mother.
I skipped the movies the following Saturday night, but somehow Amanda talked me into going off with her, Kevin, and his cousin after church on Sunday. I had school the following day, but after being busted in the bathroom, sobbing like an escaped mental patient, I thought sneaking out and getting a little freedom was becoming necessary.
It was the first time in my life that I’d done something so careless, but I was about to break. I was getting the belt regardless of what I did these days, so why not at least give him a good reason. I ran that thought through my mind as I waited for Amanda to quietly pull up outside.
When she finally came, I climbed out of my window like a juvenile delinquent. The windowsill dug into my stomach and pinched the soft skin beneath my belly button. My heart was already in my throat from fear, but the windowsill pressing into my chest didn’t help matters.
I stretched my legs out more until finally I could feel the grass beneath my tippy toes. Pushing up with my palms, I slid the rest of the way to the ground. My beige sweater snagged on a piece of cracked wood on the window frame and it ripped a tiny hole.
I still couldn’t believe what I was doing. I never thought in a million years that I’d actually sneak out with Amanda, but I needed to get away. Things were getting worse emotionally and I needed a break away from my life, or the lack thereof. Even if it was just going on a stupid drive for two hours with two strangers and my best friend… that was enough. I wasn’t stuck in my house, or school, or church, and that alone felt amazing.
I slid my window down quietly and waited for any sounds from inside my house. My heart remained jammed in my throat as I imagined my mom or dad bursting into my room to catch me in the act of breaking the rules.
“Come on, Faith,” Amanda whispered from behind me.
I ran behind her to a waiting car, my simple white tennis shoes sinking into the damp grass. Without thinking twice, I jumped into the back seat. My mouth was dry and I could barely swallow. The fear of getting caught was so strong and I was getting about sick and tired of feeling afraid all the time.
My stomach rolled with nerves and I began to shake as if I were freezing. No one around me seemed to notice. Once the car pulled away from my curb, I was afraid I’d go into a full panic attack and have to be rushed to the emergency room. I was thankful when the tense feeling slowly started wear off.
It was dark out, so dark that I couldn’t see the guy in the seat next to me. That alone was frightening in itself, but I trusted Amanda. She was trouble, but I knew she’d never do anything to put me in actual danger. At least I hoped she wouldn’t.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Amanda said over the headrest of the passenger’s seat, her eyes wild and excited.
She didn’t wait for my response. Instead, she flopped around in her seat and leaned over to kiss who I could only guess was Kevin.
Again, I looked over at the guy in the seat next to me. Occasionally, some light from outside would flash and I’d actually see him and not just his silhouette.
He was a big guy, much bigger than my dad, and in the darkness, I couldn’t tell if he was kind of chunky or really muscled. It wasn’t until Kevin pulled up to a red light in the middle of town that I was able to get a good look. His dark hair was buzzed short and his eyes were so dark they blended in with the car around him, which made him look somewhat ghostly. I was only mildly freaked out by his total silence.
He lifted his arm to roll down the window, allowing me to see the bulge in his bicep—most definitely not fat, definitely muscles. Knowing he could go all caveman on me and throw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes didn’t make me feel any better about sneaking out with strangers.
He noticed me staring and turned his attention back to me.
“I’m Tony, but all my friends call me Tiny.” His voice was deep, like an older man, even though his baby face said differently.
I was thinking he was no more than eighteen. It was funny that his friends called him Tiny since there was nothing on the boy that was even remotely small. I blushed at that thought
and looked down at my hands.
“My name’s Faith. It’s nice to meet you.” I sounded as small as I felt next him.
He laughed a little to himself and turned his head to look back out the window.
“Don’t worry about him. He’s big and scary, but he’s just a big ol’ teddy bear. Aren’t you, Tiny? Can you believe he’s only a sophomore? He just joined Kevin’s band. He’s plays the bass and you know he’s got to be damn good for Finn and Kevin to let him join so young,” Amanda called from the front seat.
I was in total shock. One, Amanda had never said anything about Kevin being in a band, and two, I couldn’t believe someone so big and full of muscles like Tony was so young. Looks were deceiving.
“I guess he plays okay.” Kevin joked from the front seat as he looked through the rearview mirror.
Amanda and Kevin laughed when Tony, or Tiny, flipped them off. They looked nice together. Both were blond and pretty. As a matter of fact, Kevin looked nothing like how I’d picture a guy in a band. His clothes were too clean, his face shaved, with no piercings or tattoos that I could see. That being said, I could see what Amanda saw in him. He had a cocky attitude that reminded me of the new boy at church. It was more appealing than I’d admit.
Tiny shook his head at their laughter and tossed something out the window. I wanted to scream “litterbug” at him, but something told me he wouldn’t appreciate me preaching at him. I didn’t want to do anything to upset the giant.
I turned my attention away from Tiny.
“Who’s Finn?” I asked.
Amanda turned in her seat again. “He’s the singer in Kevin’s band, Ordinary Malice. Kevin and him have been friends since middle school. He’s sexy as hell.”
“Hey!” Kevin said loudly. “What the hell?”
“He’s nowhere near as sexy as you are, baby.” She leaned over and kissed him.
He took his eyes off of the road and kissed her back. From my vantage point, I could see their tongues mingling together, and my stomach rolled again. A passing car honked at us when we veered out of our lane. I was on the verge of a mini heart attack when she released him and he focused on driving again.
I didn’t ask any more questions. I didn’t need to. I’d already had enough of being out and was silently praying they’d take me home already.
Fifteen minutes later, we pulled into the driveway of a brick house. It wasn’t in the best neighborhood either. The yard was nice, but the house itself was old. It stood out against all the other houses that had junk in their yards and dogs hooked to chains, barking their heads off.
All three opened their doors and started to get out.
“Wait, where are we?” I asked in a panic.
Amanda turned back toward me and smiled.
“Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise. This is Finn’s house. They’re going to play some tonight. They’re good. Sometimes they even play at local bars that’ll let them in.”
She jumped out the car and shut the door behind her. I wanted to scream for her to come back right that second and take me home, but she was already disappearing into the garage. I’d thought we’d just drive around a bit, enjoy being free, and then they’d take me straight back home—an hour tops. I had no idea they had plans. Amanda didn’t tell me on purpose because she knew I would’ve backed out.
I had two choices. I could go inside and fade into a corner until I could persuade Amanda to get the boys to take me home. I was already regretting this and all I wanted was to be safe in my bed. Or I could sit in the car and wait for them to come back, but in a neighborhood like this one, I was probably safer inside the garage with the sex-crazed teenagers and their wild rock instruments.
Deciding that either way I didn’t want to be alone, I got out of the car and slowly made my way to the garage. The dogs in the yards around me were going nuts trying to get loose and eat me alive. I stopped beside an older sports car with a tire missing. There was a concrete block in its place and oil leaked from underneath it and ran down the driveway.
I stepped away from the car and closer to the garage. That’s when music started playing inside. It was loud; the sharp guitar cut at my ears and bass vibrated my knees. The garage door rumbled with the drums, and the sounds of female laughter was drowned out once the singer started to sing in his deep voice.
A strange smell floated out of the garage and all around me. I coughed a little and used my hand to wave it away as I stepped into the deafening, smoke-filled space. People were piled up on an old leather couch, watching the band play. I spotted Amanda from across the room, sitting on the couch, staring at Kevin with stars in her eyes.
The group she sat with passed around what looked like a small unfiltered cigarette. The smoke that flowed from it smelled awful. They were obviously doing drugs. I felt a little sick to my stomach when I saw Amanda take a drag. She was a childhood friend—my only friend. How could I not know that she was so involved in this kind of lifestyle?
I took in the room around me at people I’d never seen before—people that didn’t see me. And then my eyes collided with someone familiar. It was the new boy at church, the troublemaker who’d painted the side of the building. He stared back at me as he sang into the microphone. His dark, raspy voice filled the garage, and since he was looking at me, it was as if he was singing to me.
His soft blue eyes took me in and his brows pulled down in confusion. Obviously I didn’t belong there—I knew and he knew it. A thick piece of caramel hair fell into his eyes and he ran his fingers through it, pushing it out of his face.
Seeing him made me panic. What if he told my dad I was there? I didn’t want to be surrounded by so many things I didn’t understand. I wasn’t okay with anything that was going on, and I wanted to leave, but more than anything, I didn’t want my church family to find out I was involved with that kind of people. What would my dad do? If I got the belt for practically nothing, what would sneaking out get me?
Quickly, I backed away from the garage door and disappeared outside again. As soon as the night air hit me, I could breathe better and the music wasn’t so loud. The dogs around me went crazy barking again. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I only knew I needed to get out of there before anyone else saw me or something bad happened. There could be a drive-by or a drug bust any minute. I didn’t need my father finding out I was anywhere near this side of town.
I figured I’d brave the ghetto and turned to walk back the way we came. It was crazy, the craziest thing I’d ever done. It trumped sneaking out on a whole other level, but I had to do it. I’d be sure to let Amanda know how unhappy I was with her at school the following day. Maybe my dad was right. Maybe Amanda was a bad influence.
I was down the street a ways when I heard someone call my name. When I turned around, the new boy at church, who I now knew was Finn, the lead singer of Kevin’s band, was taking long strides my way.
“Hey. Wait up,” he said.
I stopped. When he reached my side, he was out of breath. Leaning over, he rested his palm against his thigh and held up a finger, telling me to give him a minute.
“You know, if you didn’t smoke, you wouldn’t be so out of breath right now,” I said.
He looked up at me with a grin. A set of dimples dug into his flushed cheeks. “Are you going to preach to me, too, sweet girl?” He stood tall again after catching his breath. “Like I haven’t heard enough preaching at church. I don’t know how you can take that shit day after day.”
I didn’t confess that I was sick of being preached to. I couldn’t tell him that, especially since I was kind of preaching at him.
“Sorry.” I sighed.
“Don’t worry about it. What are you doing here?” he asked roughly.
He sounded upset. Not that I could blame him. I was pretty upset about being there, too. We both knew I didn’t belong.
I tried to think of a good excuse, but there wasn’t one. And as badly as I wanted to come up with some really great lie to get myself out
of the trouble I knew was going to come, I couldn’t lie. I had to spill the truth and hope he didn’t rush to church on Wednesday and tell my dad all about it.
“I came with my friend Amanda. She’s dating your friend Kevin. I didn’t know we were coming here. I’m not even supposed to be gone. My parents think I’m asleep at home. Please don’t tell them you saw me. Please,” I blurted out.
He was obviously getting in trouble a lot. Not just anyone got community service, and he seemed comfortable in his situation. Really, he had no room to tell on a person, but knowing my luck, he would. Some people would love to tell the pastor at a very prestigious church that his daughter was being sinful and sneaking out past dark. Maybe he was one of those people.
His eyes filled with humor and he started to laugh. It was a hearty laugh that sounded from his insides. It didn’t help that it also made his adorable dimples pop. I hadn’t really thought about boys all that much, but Finn was making me notice things I never had before.
Like his arms—the way his muscles moved under his skin when he did something with his hands. My eyes had also strayed to his stomach, which I could see clearly through his snug T-shirt. The thin white shirt left nothing to the imagination since it stuck to the indentions of his abdominal muscles.
He bent over and wrapped his arm around his stomach as he continued to laugh. I’m not sure what annoyed me more—the fact that my thought processes had gone into sinful territory, or the fact that he was laughing at me in my face.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“You think I’d tell on you.” He ended his laughter with a deep chuckle.
“Well, I don’t really know you. Who’s to say what you’d do?” I said, offended.
He sobered, but his cocky smirk stayed in place.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Well, don’t worry about it. I’d never tell on someone. I’m no nark. I do think it’s kind of funny that a person like you would sneak out, though. I had no idea you were such a bad girl, Faith. I bet you even have some sexy sneak-out clothes hidden under that ugly skirt, don’t you?” He reached out and pulled at my shirt.
Finding Faith Page 3
