I’d seen the way she looked at me when she didn’t think I noticed. I’d seen girls look at me that way before and all of them had tried to get a piece of me at some point. Not that I was complaining or holding out, but still, I knew a girl who was attracted to me when I saw one.
She didn’t answer. I’d bet money that she was all huddled up in those restricting clothes, hiding from her parents like a five-year-old. And I’d also bet that she was ten shades of red since all she seemed to do was blush.
“I’m going to take that as a yes. Besides, it would just be a friend thing. Listen, don’t think about it. I’ll see you at the church on Wednesday, and don’t worry about the flowers. I’m just glad you didn’t get into any more trouble.”
I hung up the phone with a big goofy smile on my face and plans to make the preacher man crazy.
The following Wednesday, there wasn’t any outside work that needed to be done around the church. Sister Francis loved her flower garden and a few ladies around the church had praised me for my gardening skills that I had no idea I possessed.
I got stuck in a back room, filing papers. It didn’t sound like much of a job, but after thirty minutes of that crap, I was dying to get outside to work in the sun. The room was too small and smelled like old lady’s perfume. Every couple of minutes, I’d feel like I couldn’t breathe and my eyes would water from the sickly sweet smell.
An hour later, I was done filing and headed over to Sister Francis to see if there was anything she needed. I stepped into the kids’ room and was caught off guard by Faith dancing around.
I stood in the doorway and watched from afar as she laughed and shook her hips with the kids to some kiddie music about Jesus. Her smile was real, her happiness genuine. It was beautiful to watch.
She raised her hands above her head and shook them around. Her skirt lifted, revealing tiny feet and ankles. It was about that time that my mind shifted and I started imagining what her knees looked like, her thighs, her flat stomach, and from that point, the thoughts only got worse. I was so caught up daydreaming about Faith naked that I hadn’t even realized she’d stopped dancing and was talking to me.
“Finn? Is there anything I can do for you?” She had her hands on her hips and looked at me like I was nuts.
Maybe I was. I’d just caught myself fantasizing about the pastor’s daughter. That could never end well.
“Finn?” she asked again loudly.
Little snickers sounded from the kids around us.
“Yeah. I was curious if Sister Francis needed me to do anything. I’m all done filing.”
“Actually, I could use your help in here if you need something to do.” She smiled.
She seemed to smile at me a lot more than she did before the whole flower incident.
“Okay. What can I do?” I asked.
I spent the rest of the time playing with the kids. I hadn’t been around kids since my last foster home. Those foster parents had entirely too many kids, so me and four others who were younger than me slept in one room. It was obviously those people just wanted the state checks that came with us.
I kind of liked spending time with the kids. They were funny and asked a lot of questions. I found myself laughing with them quite a bit. And every now and again, when she didn’t think I was looking, I’d see Faith smiling over at me. She really was beautiful, inside and out. I was pretty good at seeing through people, and when I looked at her, all I saw was goodness. She was selfless. I could tell by the way she treated the kids. There wasn’t a bad bone in her body.
The next week was a blur of smoking bowls, making deals, singing, and hanging out at church with Faith. It got to a point where I’d get excited about going to church. I loved hanging out with her and the more she was around me, the more I got to see who she really was.
She was more than just the pastor’s daughter. She was funny. She made me laugh so much most days that I’d go home with a sore stomach. She was sweet. Some days I’d sit to the side and watch as she took her time showing the kids how to spell a word or how to do something correctly. My initial assumption about Faith was right. She really was an angel.
Being around her was good. I barely smoked cigarettes anymore, since she said she hated the smell, and the only time I really hung out with my friends was when we had practice or a show. I’d make plans with them and then Faith would ask me to help her do something and I’d cancel with my friends.
I had a hard time telling her no about anything. So when the church had a bake sale coming and she asked me to help her bake some stuff, I was on board. I really wasn’t much of a cook, but anything was better than filing or working in the churchyard.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” she asked as she mixed a bowl of cookie dough.
“Nah. I don’t think dating is for me,” I said as I buttered the baking pan.
“No girls? Seriously?” She looked at me like I had two heads.
“Oh no. There’s girls, but not one that’s steady.”
Her face lit up as I expected, and I smiled to myself.
“So you’re a player? Isn’t that what they call boys like you?” She started picking at the cookie dough and rolling it into balls.
“I’m not a player. I’m honest with girls. I just don’t do the whole girlfriend thing all that well.”
“Oh come on, Finn, there had to be a girl that got through that hard exterior of yours once or twice.” She smiled up at me as she continued to pick the raw cookie dough from her fingers.
I wanted to tell her that technically she had gotten through, but I didn’t know how that would sound. We were friends—I’d never really been friends with a girl before—and we had an easy relationship. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t slowly becoming uncomfortable. And if it was becoming uncomfortable, then maybe there was more there.
“Yeah, once or twice.” I playfully winked at her to play it off.
She laughed and threw a wad of dough at my chest. It made a wet smacking noise and stuck to the front of my Guns N’ Roses T-shirt.
“Oh no you didn’t,” I said in a girly voice as I wiggled my finger at her.
She laughed harder.
I picked the dough from my shirt and threw it back at her. Next thing I knew, we were running around the small kitchen at the back of the church and throwing flour and sugar all over each other. She held up her hands and screamed as I sprinkled sugar over the top of her head.
“Such a sweet girl like you should taste sweet, too.” I laughed.
She turned in my arms and put her hands up to stop the sugar. I held the bag even higher out of her reach. She stood on her tiptoes and pressed her petite body against mine. Her sweet breath warmed the side of neck and she slid up and down my front as she tried to reach the sugar. She felt good against me and it was making me hard.
Everything stopped. The smile slipped from my face as I stared down at her. She continued to smile, flour dotted her cheeks, and sugar shimmered in her hair. Once her eyes met mine, she stopped reaching for the bag above my head. My arms fell slowly and I let my empty hand cup the side of her face, using my thumb to wipe some flour from her cheek.
Her smile slipped, too, as she looked up at me with wide brown eyes. Her eyelids fluttered closed as I caressed her cheek with my fingers. Little puffs of heated breath came from her mouth, pulling my attention to her soft pink lips. I ran a finger across her bottom lip, drawing a soft sigh from her.
I wasn’t sure what was happening. I just knew I liked it, and by the glazed look in her eyes when she opened them, I could tell she liked it, too. I moved closer to her and she didn’t move away. She felt amazing. I set the sugar bag on the counter beside me as I slipped my arms around her tiny waist. I’d never been nervous with a girl before, but Faith wasn’t like any other girl I’d spent time with. She was better than them—so much better, as in she was too good for me.
She swallowed hard and licked her lips and I was gone from that point on. As if magnetized, I was being pulled into
her for a kiss. Her lips and eyes begged for it. I slipped my fingers into her thick hair and pulled her face closer to mine.
My lips were barely touching hers when the door opened. We pulled apart quicker than I thought was possible and started awkwardly cleaning up the mess we’d caused. My heart was still beating funny even though we weren’t close anymore.
“What the devil happened in here?” her dad asked from the door.
“We accidently spilled some,” she said with her head down.
I instantly missed the playful girl from minutes before. I hated what happened to her in the presence of her dad, which only added to my hatred for him.
I couldn’t believe what had almost happened. I couldn’t believe how badly I wanted something as simple as a kiss from her. My thoughts were a mess. I didn’t even respond to the pastor when he asked what happened. Instead, like some shy punk, I put my head down and kept cleaning.
“Well, let James clean it. There’s someone here that wants to meet you.” He held the door open and waited for her.
I hated the name James. The fact that he insisted on calling me that after I’d asked him to call me Finn enraged me, and I knew my anger stemmed from his treatment of Faith more than what he called me.
Faith smiled shyly up at me before she stepped away and out of the room. I didn’t miss the smug smile on the pastor’s face as he shut the door behind them and shut me out.
Five
Faith
Finn. He was doing something to me. Since we’d started hanging out so much, I’d never felt so alive. I’d never secretly smiled to myself so much. Smiling wasn’t something I did often, and since I’d met him I couldn’t seem to stop. I felt like I was breathing a little easier, looking at the sun a little differently.
I wasn’t out painting the town red or doing any drugs; I was just being around him, and it was amazing. He made me laugh until I cried and was probably the sweetest guy I’d ever had the privilege to meet, even though he’d never admit it. Not that I’d met a lot of guys, but there was just something about him—something special.
It was more than his baby-blue eyes that seemed to see right through me or his dimples that I was almost positive he reserved just for me. It was more than his looks, period. He made me feel different. Like I was just finding myself and living for the first time ever.
I couldn’t believe he was about to kiss me in the church kitchen. I’d never been kissed before and, honestly, kissing had always kind of grossed me out, but the thought of feeling those full lips against mine made my stomach tighten in a way it never had before and gave me a breathless dizzy feeling. It was scary and exhilarating at the same time.
I was still feeling high off him when I came face to face with a family I’d never met before. I barely had time to collect my thoughts before my dad was introducing me to them. They’d just moved to town and were thinking of joining our church. My dad told me their names, but my ears were still foggy and I missed it. Still, I reached out my hand to the mother and smiled sweetly.
“And this is Stephen, their son. The Petersons were just telling me that Stephen’s the same age as you, Faith. Isn’t that nice?”
I looked over at Stephen. He was on the shorter side with cropped auburn hair and freckles across his cheeks and nose. When he smiled at me, his teeth were covered in metal, but still, he had a very nice smile. He was khaki covered like me, but instead of feeling comfortable with him, I instantly hated the dreariness of his whole look.
It was even becoming harder for me to put on my boring skirts in the morning. I knew in the back of my head that it had to do with Finn and his comfortable jeans and colorful band shirts, but I didn’t care. He was showing me a thing or two about being comfortable in my own skin, and the prudish cover I’d been wearing my entire life had never felt more restricting.
“It’s nice to meet you, Faith. That’s such a beautiful name,” he said boldly.
I felt my cheeks turn hot as I looked over at my father and waited for the angry look on his face that was always there when Finn said nice things to me… except, there was only a happy smile on his lips.
I didn’t understand it. Daddy had never liked me being around boys, yet here he was introducing me to one and smiling happily as the boy complimented me.
“Thank you,” I whispered softly.
“That’s such a nice thing to say, Stephen. You know, since you’re new in town, maybe you and Faith should catch a movie or something. Maybe she can show you around town and get you familiar with the place before you start your new school on Monday. How’s that sound, kids?” my father said proudly.
My jaw almost hit the floor. My dad was definitely having a midlife something. Perhaps he was in the middle of a stroke and the side effects hadn’t starting showing, because my dad would never say such a thing. He’d never be okay with me going anywhere with anyone besides him and my mom. The idea of him allowing me to go on a date with a boy wasn’t something I’d ever thought would happen.
I looked back over at Stephen and he blushed brightly and smiled over at me.
“I think that sounds like fun. Do you want to go to a movie with me, Faith?” he asked.
I looked around at our parents, who were all full of smiles and crazy eyes. I needed to run to the bathroom and pinch myself. My occasional bathroom breakdowns had stopped, thanks to Finn, but I definitely needed a hard pinch or a nice slap across the face to fetch me back to reality.
I stood there with my mouth gapped open as everyone stared at me and waited for a response. Part of me wanted to say no. I didn’t know this boy from Adam and he looked about as boring as I felt, but then again, what were the chances of my dad practically pushing me out the door and to the movies with some boy? I had to take what I could get, I guess. At least that way I’d have a moment to breathe some fresh air outside of school, home, and church.
I looked over at my dad and asked his permission with my eyes. He smiled down at me and shook his head yes.
“Okay,” I squeaked.
The whole time all I could think about was Finn and how much I wished it were him I was going to the movies with. I really had to stop thinking about Finn so much. Yeah, it looked as if he was about to kiss me not ten minutes ago, but I had to face facts, and the fact was I wasn’t even close to the kind of girl Finn would want. We were friends. I had to really stop thinking that sometimes when he looked at me there was more than friendship in his eyes.
After agreeing to my first date ever and watching as our parents made the arrangements, I stopped by the bathroom at church and splashed some cold water over my cheeks. They still felt warm from Finn’s touch and the last thing I needed to do was go back in the kitchen with hot, embarrassed cheeks and make our friendship uncomfortable.
When I got back to the kitchen, Finn was leaning against the counter with his arms crossed. He hadn’t heard me come in and he was facing the window with his eyes closed. The room was cleaned and all the cookies were in the oven. The smell of chocolate chip and sugar cookies filled the room. I would forever associate the smell with Finn, which made perfect sense since he was so sweet.
I smiled secretly at my thoughts. If I had ever told him I thought he was such a sweetie, he’d probably growl and do something ridiculously rude just to prove a point.
“Hey,” I said as I walked up to him.
He opened his eyes and smiled at me. He looked genuinely happy to see me.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. My dad wanted to introduce me to a new family who’s joining the church. And something kind of crazy happened.”
He turned, rested his elbows on the counter, and cupped his cheeks with his hands. When he smiled, one of his dimples was hidden behind his palm and I wanted to pull it away so I could see them both.
“My dad set me up on a date.”
His smile dropped instantly, and I thought for a minute that he’d ask me not to go. If he asked, whether I needed freedom or not, I’d skip the date. A
ll he had to do was say the words, but instead, he started laughing. It felt like a slap in the face.
Why was it so funny that I could have a date?
“What?” I asked rudely.
“Nothing. It’s just…” He couldn’t finish his sentence he was laughing so hard.
“It’s just what?” I asked again, louder.
He was really starting to make me mad.
“It’s just go figure your dad would set you up with some church boy once I came around. Touché, big preacher man,” he said to no one as he shook his head.
He wasn’t making any sense.
“What do you mean?” I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms.
“Nothing. I think this is a great idea. I bet he’s really nice and clean.”
He was and I hated that he was. I hated even more that Finn thought I could only get a nice, clean boy. And even worse was that Finn was probably going to see him at Sunday’s sermon and I could only imagine the jokes he was going to make just to be a smarty pants.
“There’s nothing wrong with a nice, clean guy, Finn. Actually, I’d prefer them that way.”
The moment the words left my lips, his face dropped. I wasn’t sure if it was being around Finn or what, but I lied so easily and I hated it. I didn’t prefer any kind of guy, but I knew I liked Finn, which was dumb on my part since it was totally obvious that he didn’t feel the same.
He moved quickly and pinned me against the back wall. Kids’ drawings stuck to my back and a picture of a cross covered in hard macaroni noodles dug into my arm. I sucked in a shocked breath.
“Opposed to a guy like me, huh?” He stuffed his hands in my hair and forced me to look up at him. Stormy bluish-gray eyes stared back at me from under dark lashes. “Are you going to hide behind pretty boys with clean thoughts all your life? Because I know you’re not the saint your daddy thinks you are. I saw the hot look in your eyes when you thought I was going to kiss you. I know you secretly dream of dirty boys with filthy thoughts.” His eyes dropped to my mouth briefly and I held my breath. “I’ll tell you what… When you decide you can handle a real man, let me know.”
Finding Faith Page 5
