The truth of my words burned in my chest.
Her eyes filled with tears until they broke free and rolled down her cheeks. “I love you, Finn.”
My heart shifted. She meant it. I could see it in her eyes that she meant it, and I’d never been so happy to hear those words. I needed them. I wanted to wrap them up and stick them in a box for safe keeping. They meant everything to me since I felt exactly the same.
I looked her in the eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn’t every day I confessed my love to someone. “I love you, too.”
She smiled up at me before leaning in close. “Then show me.”
She stepped back and reached for the hem of her dress. I could hardly believe my eyes when she pulled it up and over her head. She wore simple white cotton panties with a matching bra. My eyes dropped from her breasts, down her stomach, and landed on her thighs. Her body was beautiful. Her hair was pushed across one shoulder as she shyly peeked up at me from her dark lashes. She’d never looked more like an angel.
And just like that, I gave in to her. Taking her by the hand, I led her to my bed and laid her down. She held her arms out to me and welcomed me into them when I climbed on top of her. I took my time kissing her and touching her in all her secret places. She moaned my name over and over again, and when I felt her fingers make their way into my towel, I moaned, too.
She squirmed beneath me, her breath coming in rampant pants. I removed her bra and panties and blew softly on different parts of her body, making her arch her body and shiver. Once my towel was gone from between us, I pressed and teased her with my body. She shifted her hips and whined.
“Please, Finn. I want you.” Her eyes were wide as she looked into mine.
“Are you sure?”
I had to make sure before I took something from her that I could never give back.
Her fingers dug into my back, pulling me so close to her that I could feel her heartbeat against my chest.
“Yes. Please.” The desperation in her voice matched my own.
Reaching into my night table, I pulled out a condom. The foil crackled as I ripped it open. She looked down and watched as I slid the slippery rubber over my hardness. Swallowing, she looked back up at me and I saw the nervousness in her expression.
I braced myself above her and adjusted my hips. I knew it was going to hurt her, so I leaned down and began to kiss her hard and deep to take her mind off of it. Once she was into the kissing and wrapping her arms around my neck, I pulled back and pressed into her in one swift movement.
She broke the kiss and gasped in pain. I stopped moving and sat there seeded deep inside of her.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
She felt amazing wrapped around me. It took everything in me not to let loose and go hard and fast.
She nodded with big, shocked eyes. “Yes.”
I wasn’t so sure, and the last thing I wanted was to hurt her more. “Do you want to stop?”
“No. Don’t stop.”
So I didn’t. I waited and kissed her more, letting her get adjusted to the feel of me. After a while, natural instinct kicked in and she began rolling her hips beneath me. It felt amazing. I began moving my hips as well—withdrawing slowly before moving back in.
It felt different with Faith. Even with the condom on, I felt as if I could really feel her. She was warmer and felt better than anything I’d ever felt in my life. I told her so over and over again as I rocked into her and angled my body in ways that made her make more noise.
The world around us ceased to exist as we panted each other’s names—our bodies slid together in a way I’d never experienced. It was as if I were the virgin. Sex with Faith was beyond words. I wasn’t only physically connected to her; I was emotionally connected as well, which made it feel a hundred times better.
Fingernails dug into my back as she threw her head back and cried out her release. It was my undoing. I buried my face into her neck, held her closer, and released my all for her. I died a little in that moment, and Faith was my heaven.
Seventeen
Faith
I lay next to Finn and watched him sleep. The alarm clock beside his bed blinked twelve midnight and lit the corner of his room red with every blink. His chest moved up and down with his deep breathing. Every now and again, he’d make a sweet noise of contentment and I’d smile to myself.
I could hardly believe I was no longer the innocent girl I once was. I’d sinned in the worst way, but I’d welcome hell if it meant being with Finn. We were in love and being with him that way, I could almost forget the drama with my dad. I had until the sun came up to decide what to do. Either I’d risk Finn going to jail and stay with him, or I’d give in to my dad’s commands and walk away from love and everything that I wanted for myself.
I knew if I told Finn the truth and gave him my options which one he’d pick, but the thought of Finn in jail made me feel nauseated. He was too good for that. He was too good for the life he was living. Technically, I hadn’t seen Finn dealing drugs, but would my dad lie to me?
His abs felt hot against my fingertips as I ran them down his body. He turned toward me in his sleep and gathered me in his arms. I felt so safe there, like no one or nothing could reach me. My eyes grew heavy, but I fought sleep for as long as I could. I needed to stay awake and at least try to contemplate what to do. I was practically asleep when I heard Finn whisper, “I love you, Faith,” in my ear.
It felt like five minutes later when a loud crashing noise woke me. I sat straight up in an empty bed. The alarm clock blinked two a.m. in my face, letting me know I needed more sleep.
Throwing back the sheet, I slid from Finn’s bed and pulled my dress back over my head.
Bright light spilled into the room as I silently pulled his bedroom door open. There was no one outside his room, but every now and again, I’d hear someone talking from down the hallway. I followed the voices and ended up in front of the master bedroom.
I didn’t want to be rude and go in, but all I could think was what if someone in there needed help? What if Finn needed me? When I heard his muffled voice through the door, I knew I had to go in. I should’ve knocked, but if Finn was in the room doing something drug related, I wanted to see it with my own two eyes.
I reached out for the rusted doorknob and gave it a turn. The door was silent as I pushed it open enough for me to peek in. A mauve-covered room stood before me. My eyes skimmed the room carefully, taking in the matching bedspread and curtains. Then my eyes landed on Finn and his mom. They were in the master bathroom across the room from me. Finn held back her hair as she puked in the toilet and cried.
“It’s hurts so bad, Jimmy.” She moaned.
My heart broke for her. Finn told me before that she had multiple sclerosis, but I had no idea what that really meant.
“I know, Mom. I’m here. I promise I won’t leave you,” Finn said softly.
I saw another side of him in that moment. I’d always known he was a guy who would take care of anyone he loved, but seeing it with my own two eyes made it more real. He was a caretaker—a good man—and I was a lucky girl to have him.
I felt awful for prying into their business, but it was such an honest moment that I couldn’t look away.
“Don’t leave me. Please just stay until I’m not dizzy anymore,” she asked as Finn wiped at her cheeks with a rag.
I stood there until he helped her back to her bed. Something happened to me as I watched a very personal story unfold in front of me. Whatever it was changed my entire thought process, and I knew in that moment that I couldn’t stay with Finn and risk my dad having him arrested for drugs. His mom needed him too much. She was sick, and as badly as I wanted to be with Finn, I couldn’t be selfish.
I quickly made my way back to his room, peeled off my dress so he wouldn’t know I’d been awake, and fell back into his bed with my eyes shut tightly. His door squeaked a little and I could see the light through my eyelids when he came back into his room. Darkness consumed me,
and the door clicked into place as he shut the world out again.
I pretended to sleep as he slid back into bed with me. His side of the mattress dipped and pulled me closer to him. Warm arms came around me and he snuggled his body up to mine and spooned me. I wanted to cry for what I would be losing if I walked away. I was almost positive it was what I had to do.
He kissed the side of my neck and sighed happily. Once I heard his breathing even out again, I stared at the wall and watched it blink red again. I sat in the same spot for an hour as I went over my options over and over again. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I had to do the right thing. I had to move to California with my parents, and I had to do it without telling Finn.
I knew Finn and I knew he would fight for me… He’d said so himself earlier that night. If the situation had been different, I would’ve fought harder for him, but someone else needed him more than me, and if I stayed, it could mean prison for Finn. That wasn’t something I could live with.
Hot tears streamed down my face as I quietly slipped from his bed. I put my bra and panties back on and then I pulled my dress over my head. My cross warmed my palm as I stared down at Finn and his sweet face. I imagined that everything I was poured into my cross. More than just my soul, more than my emotions that were crumbling at that exact moment, but my essence—all that was Faith.
I didn’t need any part of myself anymore. I was going to be lifeless without Finn anyway. I loved him and since he couldn’t have me, I wanted him to have the biggest and most important part of me—my soul.
Unhooking my necklace, I let the cross slide from the chain and into my palm. It felt hotter than usual, and the back of my neck felt weird without the weight pulling against it. Closing my eyes, I said a silent prayer that my cross would always keep Finn safe, and then I made a promise to the air in the room that when I could, I’d come back to Finn.
Kissing the cross, I laid it on the pillow next to his head. My heart was breaking into pieces and everything ached. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his cheek. He smiled in his sleep, his dimples popping out for me one last time.
Wiping my face with the back of my sleeve, I stepped away from him. I crept through his house like a criminal until I stepped into his yard and into the cold morning air. The world was silent as I walked toward the closest store and called my parents. I didn’t pass a single person on the way, not that anyone could hurt me any worse than I’d hurt myself at that point.
An hour later, I was in the back of my dad’s car on my way back to hell. There was a belt and a plane ticket waiting for me when I got there. By ten a.m., my father had me on the way to the airport. My plane left at noon. I cried the entire time.
A week later, I was dying. I couldn’t take it anymore. Dad had yet to prove to me that he had any evidence against Finn, and when I pushed it too much, he’d pull off his belt. Except, instead of taking it the way I had before we left South Carolina, I fought back. It made the beatings worse, and I was forced to live at the church to pray for my sins, but I refused to lie there and take it anymore.
I wrote letter after letter to Finn. I told him everything in those letters and left him phone numbers where he could reach me, but I never heard anything back from him. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out why he wasn’t responding to me or at least calling me. Every time I tried to call his house number, I would get the disconnected signal, and the cell he shared with his mom always went straight to voicemail. I must’ve left at least fifty messages, until finally I called and that number, too, was not in service.
When I’d had about all I could take, I told my parents I wanted to go back home—back to Finn. My mother was stressed out of her mind and my father refused to hear anything I had to say. Every time I’d try to run away, they’d find me, and I never got very far. The whole needing a plane ticket thing made it difficult, too.
Finally, one day I got a letter in the mail from Finn. Except when I opened it, it wasn’t the response I was hoping for.
Faith,
I don’t care why you left. You leaving was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. I can’t believe I got mixed up with a girl like you. Please quit sending me letters. I no longer care what you have to say. There wasn’t any other point to this letter. I just wanted you to know I’m over you and I hope you have a nice life in California.
Finn
The air was sucked out of my lungs, and I had to sit down. The room spun around me.
“But you said you loved me,” I whispered to myself as I clutched the letter to my chest.
The words were there and he had signed it, but it couldn’t be right. Finn loved me; he wanted me. He never would’ve treated me that way. The only thing that I could think was that it was a lie. My father had to be a liar.
“This is a lie!” I cried as I held up the letter.
My father didn’t even respond. Instead, he knocked me into my seat with a backhand.
I sat on that letter for three days as I contemplated my next move. Love made you do crazy things, and so I became a liar and a thief. I waited until my parents were asleep and then snuck into their room. I brazenly stole my dad’s debit card and ordered a plane ticket on my older-than-dirt computer that I’d always hated. Turns out it was handy to have around after all.
When I tucked his debit card back into his wallet, I took all his cash and his keys. When I got back to my room, I quickly packed everything I could into a duffle bag and left before they had a chance to wake up and stop me.
I spent the next two hours getting lost all over California, trying to find the airport. I’d never been so happy to see an airport in all my life when the sign finally came into view. I’d almost missed my flight so things moved quickly once I got there. Thankfully, I was on a plane back to the East Coast before the sun even broke through the clouds.
I looked at my watch and smiled to myself at the exact moment that I knew my parents were figuring out that I was gone and that I’d taken their car. They couldn’t come after me as quickly as they’d like since their car was parked in the airport garage.
When I landed, I got a cab and gave the driver Finn’s address. I needed to see him. I needed him to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. I missed him so much it hurt.
The driver kept looking at me through the rearview mirror, which was kind of creepy. I was relieved when I saw Finn’s house come into view.
“Thanks,” I said to the driver as I paid him.
He pulled away as I stood on the sidewalk, clutching my duffle bag. It was nearly two in the afternoon already in South Carolina, and already there were cars everywhere in Finn’s yard. It bothered me a little that he was inside partying while I’d been in California, dying without him.
Music played loudly from the garage as usual as I made my way to the door. I nervously smoothed out my skirt and shirt before I stepped inside. I was so excited and scared at the same time. What if the letter had really been from Finn? What if he never wanted to see my face again? I’d be stuck with no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I didn’t want to have to run back to my dad, and I didn’t even know if he’d let me come back again after the stuff I’d pulled.
I held my breath and stepped through the doors into the smoke-filled space. The smells that stung my nose were awful—a mixture of sweat and alcohol made my stomach turn. My eyes took in the crowded room as the smoke burned them. And then I saw him across the room and everything around me disappeared. I smiled to myself as I walked closer to where he sat. The smile slowly disappeared from my face once he was in full view.
He was leaning back against the couch with his eyes closed. He wasn’t smiling. Actually, he looked like he was in pain, but the memories of our night together reminded me that sometimes when Finn looked like he was in pain, he was in ecstasy. Jenny, his ex-girlfriend, straddled his lap and worked her body back and forth. Her long hair bobbed with her movements.
I felt sick to my stomach. M
y knees went weak beneath me, and I used the wall of the garage to hold myself up. I couldn’t take my eyes away from them. Finn just sat there with his eyelids closed tight. He didn’t even bother to touch her. Instead, his arms were thrown out at his sides.
My heart shattered into a million soulless pieces. It was true. Finn had really moved on just that quickly. I was nothing to him. I never was. I’d read his letter, but I’d refused to believe it. I should’ve believed my dad. Maybe he really did mean well. Maybe he really did have my best interests at heart.
My legs felt numb as I turned and left the garage. When I escaped the terrible smells, I took deep breaths of fresh air. The breeze that moved around me cooled the tears pouring down my cheeks and dripping from my chin. I turned and started toward the gas station that was the closest. I died a little more with every step I took away from Finn, but I had to do what I had to. So I left and I never looked back again.
Thankfully, my father let me come back to our new home in California and even paid for my return. I ran back with my tail tucked firmly between my legs and salty tears on my cheeks. The beating I got when I got home was one that would stay with me for the rest of my life, but still, it didn’t hurt as much as seeing Finn with Jenny.
I settled into the life my dad wanted me to have and tried with all my might to block out Finn and everything I felt for him. It worked as long as I shut off my brain and stayed so busy I literally fell into bed each night. But then things took a turn for the worse and before I knew it, I was kicked out in a strange state with no one to turn to and nowhere to go.
Part Two:
Old Wounds
Four Years Later
Eighteen
Finn
I placed my hand on the back of her head as she continued to suck my cock. She wasn’t the best I’d had, but she was damn good at it. It felt even better when I closed my eyes and imagined she was a certain brunette that I loved to hate. In the end, imagining things like that only made me even more of an asshole.
Finding Faith Page 14
