“I’m sorry.”
“I love your mother. She’s what I always imagined a mother would be like. Carrie will be like that. Jules will be—already is with Ruthie. Georgia is with Matthew and the baby. And Ally…Ally is absolutely perfect. I see it all the time. She invites me to dinner two or three times a week. Just includes me with all the others. I hate telling her no.”
“So why do you do it?”
“Because I’m not one of them, and I can feel it whenever I even look at them.”
The hands on her shoulders tightened and he turned her around quickly. Paige almost fell to the floor.
“Now you’re just feeling sorry for yourself and being stupid. You’re Dan’s family. Everybody knows that. You lived in his damned house back when he had nobody. You think he’s ever forgotten that? How did you end up there, anyway?”
“Because once again, I was almost homeless.” She laughed, but without humor. “Carrie was headhunted by Hellbrook. She recommended me, but there wasn’t room on his team. But there was in Whiler’s. Luckily for me, I happened to be good at pretending to be someone I’m not. Undercover Operations had two openings. I took one. Al took the other from her previous assignment. I followed Carrie out here, and Dan offered me the apartment a year later when I didn’t want to rent one off my sister.”
“And what was so wrong with that?”
“Nothing.” Of course, there hasn’t been anything wrong with that. She’d enjoyed living with Dan for the past few years. He’d given her space, but he’d been there when she’d needed someone to talk to. He’d been her friend, and she’d love him for that always. But he was moving forward, living every day for and about his kids. And she definitely admired him for that.
But he had five young kids at home, and Emma and Kelly were in and out all the time. Paige was just the tenant in the basement.
Wasn’t she tired of that?
“I need something different, I think. I need to change some things. I’m not a girl anymore. I’m almost thirty. I don’t want to be living in a basement apartment forever.” It was something she’d been thinking a lot about recently.
She just needed to step up and make the decision.
She looked at the man in front of her. Whoever would have suspected she’d be sharing a hotel room with Mick and not wanting to rip his head off? “Are you going to live with your brother and sister forever?”
They all lived in that huge house in one of the pricier parts of town. She knew the story. Mal had bought the house when he’d first arrived in St. Louis. His parents had moved in with him after they’d relocated to the city, as well. Then they’d moved into their current home. Al had bought into Mal’s mortgage when she’d transferred to St. Louis, and Mick had done the same a year after Al.
She loved their house, it was big and warm and homey. Now Jules, Ruthie, and Al’s fiancé Seth were living there, as well.
It was a family home. The kind she’d always dreamed of.
“Probably not. It’s getting a bit crowded.”
“Hard to have much of a social life with your brother and sister and a kid around?” What did she know about what he did in his off time? Al had never really said, and whenever she’d been at the house and he’d been home, he’d usually been in the garage or on the porch read.
She really didn’t know much about him at all, did she? “Mick?”
***
Soft, sweet…sad. He knew what his own buttons were, and this girl was pushing them—without even trying. The cityscape behind them made her look all the more beautiful. There was lightning in the distance, and when it would flash he would catch just a glimpse of her dark eyes.
She wore only a dark tank top and dark knit pants. Was that what she slept in every night? He had his hands on her shoulders again before he thought it through. She had the softest skin and Mick just knew she was that soft all over.
Fuck.
He wanted Paige Daviess. Was that the point of all of this? He wanted her against him, he wanted to taste her, to hold her, to kiss her.
To love her. He tried to force himself to step away, to take his hands off of her. He couldn’t. “Something like that.”
“Why does everything have to change?”
“I guess that’s how we know we’re alive. Keeps things interesting.”
“I think I can do with a bit more boring.” She tilted her chin down, and her hair slipped over his hands. He turned his palms out and wrapped his fingers in that hair.
God, did she realize what she was doing to him?
He released her hair and ran his fingers down her arms. He had to. Had to touch that skin. There were scars, raised ones he could feel. “What happened here?”
She stiffened and tried to pull away. He wouldn’t let her. He wrapped his hands around her waist and lifted her from the window seat and into the window sill. He went to his knees in front of her. “Tell me, so that I can understand.”
“Sometimes life out there isn’t safe. This one—“ She touched her left arm. “Happened when I was fifteen. Ran into someone who wouldn’t take no for an answer when I declined his affection.”
Mick closed his eyes when he thought about it. It hurt him what she had gone through as a child. But he knew not to say such to her. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, me too. This other one happened when I was sixteen. We were looking for food. Ran into someone who thought we were trying to steal from him. He was older, not quite right in the head. He stabbed me in three places before Carrie knocked him out. That’s when we met Leo. I don’t want to talk about that stuff, Mick. I don’t even want to think about it. I survived.”
“And that’s what matters.” If her mother had been any kind of parent, she wouldn’t have had to go through that in the first place. But look at what she’d done to her daughter, to her son Luc. They’d deserved so much more.
Mick leaned forward, until his head rested against hers. “I…”
“Don’t. Don’t say you’re sorry again. I don’t want pity.”
“It’s not pity. It’s anger that someone I care about went through hell, when she shouldn’t have.”
“You don’t care about me. We both know that. We just irritate each other for some reason. Different strokes, and all that. The only reason we even get near each other is because of our job. I don’t have any delusions where you’re concerned.”
“Do you really feel that way?” Yeah, they fought. He’d done a damned good job of trying to put space between them.
He’d been afraid of her.
From the moment he’d first met her, she’d terrified him. Something about the way she’d looked at him that day.
She’d reminded him of Mara immediately. Even though the only similarity between them was the dark eyes, she’d made him feel just like Mara had.
Maybe he’d gone a bit too far with Paige. Maybe…maybe he owed her an explanation for why he’d pushed her away for the last two plus years? “I care a great deal about you. When we first met…you reminded me of someone. And I pushed you away because of her.”
“What did she do to you that made you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you. And she… died. About six months before I transferred to St. Louis.”
A soft hand pressed against his naked chest, reminding him that he wasn’t any more dressed than she was. “Did you love her?”
“Yes.” He had. It wasn’t an all-consuming kind of love like his brother had with Jules, or Al had with Seth. He knew that. But he had loved her, cared for her. Had they had more time together, maybe they could have developed something great. But they hadn’t.
Because she’d been so sure she was right, she’d discarded all his cautionary warnings. Until she’d wandered into a place she shouldn’t—so damned zealous about getting the story that she hadn’t thought she was vulnerable.
And then she was dead. And his last sight of her was in her casket. “Yes, I cared about her.”
“It’s my turn to say I’m sorry. I did
n’t know; Al never said.” Her fingers toyed with the dog tags he’d worn for years.
“Al doesn’t know. Mal does.” He covered her fingers with his own. “I shouldn’t have taken my grief and anger out on you.”
“What was she like?”
He thought for a moment, remembering the laughter, the excitement that was always there whenever Mara was in the room. “Chaotic. But in a good way. You share the same type of passion and enthusiasm for things. She was very reckless. I thought you were, but I’ve since learned differently. At least—you’re not quite as reckless. She made stupid mistakes. And that’s what got her killed.”
“Was she an agent?”
“Journalist. We’d only been dating a few months when she got a lead on a story. Irish mob connections. I tried to get her to wait until I got back—I was on assignment. But she didn’t, and she was killed.”
She surprised him by throwing her arms around his shoulders. “I’m sorry, Mick. I can’t imagine anything worse than losing someone you love like that.”
Her hair smelled like her shampoo. He buried his face in the long strands and he held her.
She felt so thin and delicate against him, but he knew she was probably stronger than he was. Why hadn’t he ever realized that before?
His knees were starting to hurt, pushed up against the window seat as they were. So he stood, and took her with him.
She definitely didn’t weigh much, even with her above average height. “I shouldn’t have treated you the way I have.”
“I’m not exactly a victim, Mick. I snapped at you just as much as you snapped at me.”
“Yeah. But if I hadn’t started the whole thing, would you have? You get along with everyone. And everyone loves you.” She hadn’t pulled away, and he was good with that. He wanted to—needed—to hold her tonight. It just was. “Can’t say the same for me. I’m the despised Brockman in the agency. We both know that.”
“You scare people. You scared me.”
He closed his eyes for a moment. “I never meant to. I want you to know that. I just…needed to keep people away when I first took the IA assignment. And I struggle sometimes with finding the right words. I always have, ever since I was a kid. My family…they understand, they’re used to me. But everyone else? To them, I’m just a jerk, always in a bad mood.”
Those skinny arms wrapped around his waist. Except for the small tank that she wore there was nothing between his skin and hers.
She wasn’t wearing a bra, and he could feel her small breasts through the thin material. Small, but probably perfect.
His body stirred. Mick tried to pull his hips back, so she wouldn’t feel exactly what that part of his body was telling him to do.
“I think they’d be a bit more understanding if you gave them a chance. If they knew…”
“No.” That was the one thing he didn’t want. “Mara’s in the past. And…I’m ok with the way things are. I have my family, and I have friends. Even that idiot brother of yours.”
“Yes. We both have Luc, now.” She rested her head against his shoulder. “I should call him; let him know about…our mother and sister. The others. He’ll need to know.”
“Probably.” But he didn’t let her go. Instead, he shocked even himself by putting his hands on her thighs and guiding her closer.
He’d seen his brother hold Jules in just that way. And there had been a few embarrassing times when he’d caught his sister and Seth in the same position—with just about as few clothes as he and Paige had between them.
She stilled. He knew she felt what was happening to his body. Knew she understood the signs.
But…they shouldn’t act on it.
He wasn’t like the others and he knew it. His brother, Hellbrook, Seth, Sebastian, they all were a damned sight braver than he was.
“Mick? What’s happening here?” She whispered the question. The semi-dark room, the approaching storm just outside their window, the touch of their skin against each other—it was making him crazy.
That was the only answer he could come up with. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe…maybe we better just agree to go to our own beds, and stay there. Forget this ever happened.”
“That’s probably the sanest thing I’ve ever heard you say.” But he didn’t want to do it.
At least not…without…
They both needed it, didn’t they? And it wasn’t like it had to go too far. He said to hell with it, and leaned his head down at the same time he used his hold on her hips to lift her. Just enough for his lips to touch hers.
He expected her to pull away. Honestly, he wouldn’t have blamed her. Now wasn’t the time to do this to her, or to himself.
But Paige kissed him back. Neither of them pushed it more than a simple kiss.
But there wasn’t anything simple about it.
***
Never in a million years would she have imagined being in a hotel room with Mick, kissing him—or being kissed by him.
But he felt good against her. Made her feel not quite so alone.
Mick was a connection to the life she had built for herself. Texas was a tie to the one she had tried to leave behind.
And her mother and sister and Leo and Miles had her feeling six ways upside down confused. Maybe she just needed that anchor that he was providing.
He certainly felt strong enough to hold her up against anything. The few guys she’d dated in the past hadn’t been big like him, some hadn’t even been taller than she was. And she’d liked it that way.
She touched his back, feeling the muscles beneath his skin under her palms. He was big, but he definitely wasn’t out of shape.
He was almost too perfectly made.
Mick had scars of his own and she could feel them. And she remembered where some of them had come from. He had almost died at Christmas, while she’d been knocked out and helpless in a car ten feet away.
It was yet another connection between them.
Connections terrified her. And for very good reason.
And there had been too many of them formed in the last few years. She had Carrie—always had Carrie—but now there was Sebastian and Al and Mal and Jules and…Mick.
What did it all mean for her?
She didn’t care right then. She kissed him back and tightened her arms around his shoulders. He had really wide shoulders.
Wide enough to take on the world?
Still, she didn’t push the kiss any further. That would be even crazier than the idea of kissing him in the first place wouldn’t it?
But it was his hands that tightened on her butt and pulled her more fully against him—if that was even possible. Her legs were already wrapped around his waist in the most intimate position possible—still with clothing on, that was.
Just how little they were both wearing finally sank in. All he had to do was push her pants down over her hips and he’d have immediate access. Did he realize that?
Heat pooled in her belly, faster than she ever would have thought possible. She pulled away, to find the breath that had escaped her. “Mick? What are we doing? We both know this is probably the craziest thing we’ve ever done.”
“Yeah. I guess you’re right.” He loosened his hold on her and she lowered her legs back to the ground.
She needed to get her feet back on the ground, that was for certain. But she was still pressed up against him, and the evidence that he hadn’t wanted to stop was pushed against her.
Mick was a big man, and now she strongly suspected that was echoed other places on his body as well.
She looked up into hot blue eyes. “I need to…”
“Go way over there? Yeah. That’s probably a damned good idea. Before we do something we both know is stupid. We can’t sleep together.”
“It would change things way too much.” She agreed with him, in theory. She closed her eyes. “At least we don’t hate each other anymore.”
“Yeah, at least there’s that.” He surprised her when he grabb
ed her waist and lifted her straight off her feet. He hooked an arm around her waist. Paige found herself looking down at him. “Kiss me. One more time, then we forget this ever happened.”
“I think we can do that. We’re adults, we know where we stand with each other. We know we’re not going to screw up our lives or our jobs or put our families in the middle. So…one kiss and it ends there.”
***
Mick couldn’t take the teasing anymore.
For such a tall woman she didn’t weigh much; he’d certainly carried far more than her. But the weight of what they were about to do was something he couldn’t miss.
“Mick?” His name came out in a small whisper of air and had his stomach clenching.
Why hadn’t he ever realized exactly what it was Paige did to him? Or had he spent the entire four years they’d known each other feeling so churned up inside that it had become his new normal?
Mick had never been good with words, and he knew he never would be. It was something he’d struggled with since he first learned to talk. And never had he cursed that problem more than he did now. “I wish I had the words for you.”
“Words? I don’t think words are what we really need.” Paige’s eyes were wide and dark and so damned beautiful he hurt from it. “I’m not really sure what it is we’re doing, but I don’t think it needs words.”
He’d made himself a vow years ago, when he’d stood at Mara’s grave for the last time. A vow to never let a woman like her touch his heart again. So why was he doing this?
Because he needed to feel that passion just a little? For just a short while? He struggled with what to say to her in that moment. Like he always did. So Mick just kissed her, and hoped she understood.
Paige kissed him back.
The heat built between them faster than he ever had experienced before. So fast he wasn’t sure he could contain it. He pulled back to try to breathe. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
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