I tried to sit up, twisting my shoulder the wrong way. I was highly medicated, but I still felt that. I gasped from the startling pain.
“What’s wrong?” Finn’s asked before his lids even flew open. He was awake within seconds, breathing heavily. “Carrie?”
“Hi,” I whispered.
He reached out to touch me, but he pulled back before actually doing so. “Is this another dream?”
Funny. I’d wondered the same thing. Guess now I knew what it felt like to be unaware of what was real and what wasn’t. “No. It’s me.” Knowing what had helped me believe it was real, I caught his hand and held it to my cheek. “See? It’s real.”
“You’re awake.” His eyes filled with wonder. “They said you wouldn’t wake up from the drugs till tonight. You’re early.”
My lips curved into a smile. “Want me to fall back asleep?”
“No.” He grinned back at me. “Never.”
“I’m…I’m glad you’re here.” I glanced up at him. “I wasn’t sure if you would be.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here. Now.” His gaze skimmed down my body. “Though I’d rather it wasn’t under these circumstances. How are you feeling? You gasped when you woke up.”
“I’m fine. I was having a nightmare before I woke up, and I jerked awake. It hurt.” I swallowed hard. “A man was chasing me and trying to kill me. It felt so real. But then I woke up and saw you, and I knew it was just a dream.”
He visibly relaxed. “Yeah, you’re going to get those types of dreams for a while. They’ll feel real. So real you can taste the sweat rolling off your forehead, and smell the fear in the air.”
“Those are the dreams you have?”
He locked his gaze on me. “They are.”
My heart wrenched. I finally understood what he felt, but it might be too late. I might be too late. I licked my parched lips. “How long have I been asleep?”
Hesitating, he glanced away before answering. “They had to sedate you.” He tugged on his hair. “It’s been a little under a week.”
“A week?” I struggled to sit up, but failed. I just didn’t have the strength yet. “Why? What happened? What’s wrong with me?”
“Shh.” He caught my hand and ran his thumb over the backs of my knuckles. “You were fighting the nurses. Ripping off the oxygen mask and refusing to let them help you.”
And I remembered now. I remembered waking up, and Finn being there. Countless times, I’d woken up and found him at my bed. He’d always been there. He’d always tried to calm me, but I’d kept fighting being awake. Kept fighting real life. Because I’d lost our baby. The baby I hadn’t even had a chance to tell him about.
He’d had to find out after I’d already lost him.
“No.” I shook my head slowly. “God, no.”
Finn crumbled. “Please don’t do it again.”
“We lost our baby.” I cradled my empty stomach. “It’s gone. He took it. It’s gone. Our baby is gone.”
“I’m so sorry,” Finn whispered, his voice as broken as his eyes. “I wish I could take it back. Wish we could go back. I want to go back.”
“We can’t. It’s gone,” I whispered, tears rolling down my face. “It’s all gone.”
He hugged me close, kissing my forehead and trembling. “I’m sorry. I wanted to save you. I should have saved you. I wanted to. I’m so sorry.”
Something in his voice snapped me out of my own pain. Then I realized what it was. It was his pain. I could feel it. Watching me like this was sending him even darker into his own abyss. I was dragging him down with me. This might be ripping me apart, but it was doing the same to him.
He was terrified I’d slip back into my panic. Terrified I blamed him. I could tell. I forced myself to focus on him. “Our baby, Finn. He killed our baby.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I have to do this. I’m sorry.” When he saw me watching him, he froze. He’d been about to press the nurses’ button. “Carrie?”
“I’m here,” I whispered. “It hurts. It hurts so much.”
He nodded, not speaking. He didn’t need to. I could feel his pain, and he could feel mine. Instead of meaningless words, he did what I needed most. He pulled me close and held me. He smoothed my hair back from my head and kissed me, telling me over and over again how much he loved me.
And he didn’t let go.
Sometime later, my tears had dried, but I couldn’t stop the pain. I stared up at the ceiling, clinging to Finn for dear life. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t dare look at him. It might break me all over again.
“I’m sorry, Carrie,” he whispered, hugging me closer. “So fucking sorry. I hope you know that. Hope you believe me someday.”
As if snapping out of a trance, I jumped. Slowly, I turned to him. He was ashen, and he looked a step away from death’s door. “Are you okay?” I asked.
He glanced at me in surprise. As if he couldn’t believe I’d talked to him again. Maybe he’d thought I had fallen back asleep. It made me wonder how many times he’d apologized over the past few days, talking to me while I slept.
Begging me to hear him.
“I’m fine.” He forced a smile. “We need to worry about you, not me.”
I stared at him. “But you’re in pain.”
“Only you would be in a hospital bed and be worried about me. I’m constantly amazed by you. By your heart.” He kissed the tip of my nose. It did weird things to my pulse. “You’re always worrying about me, and it constantly staggers me that you could care so much after all we’ve been through. I’ve never deserved you, and I never really will, but I never want to let you go. I’m selfish like that.”
“I don’t think that’s selfish at all.” I reached out and cupped his cheek, resting my thumb on the bottom of his chin. He had a tiny dimple there. “I think it’s just right.”
I rested his hand over my heart, which leapt at his touch.
“Carrie…” His eyes got a little glazed, and he looked away. After he cleared this throat, he turned back to me with a smile. “You need to rest some more. You have to get better.” He kissed my temple. “So I’m going to tell you a bedtime story.”
I didn’t say anything. I was too tired to talk. He rested his head against the back of my bed, and I cuddled up next to him as best as I could with all the pain, tubes, and wires coming out of me. He took a deep breath, and I closed my eyes. The sound of his steady heartbeat was already lulling me to sleep.
“Once upon a time, there was a beautiful red-haired girl on the beach. She was a princess. A beautiful, kind princess. She’d just escaped from a fancy ball because she didn’t like parties. When she escaped, standing in the shadows was a man. An ordinary man, no match for her beauty and grace. From the shadows of the beach, the man watched her. He couldn’t look away. The girl was so pretty and alluring. All he wanted to do was know her.”
I smiled sleepily. “This story sounds familiar.”
“Shh. Close your eyes and relax.” His arm tightened around me. “But the man couldn’t talk to her. He was supposed to be her bodyguard. He worked for her father, the king of the village.” He leaned in and kissed my bandage. “And he wasn’t supposed to like her like he did. When they…”
I didn’t hear the rest.
I fell asleep, cradled in the arms of the man I loved.
Finn
Six days later, almost three full weeks after the shooting, I sat in my truck, glowering at the vans parked outside of our house. Ever since word had gotten out that there had been an attempt on Senator Wallington’s daughter’s life, the media had been relentless in their desire to know all the gory details. Everyone wanted to hear about it.
They followed me everywhere. They’d been there when I left for the police station to give my statement for the ten millionth time, and they’d been there when I’d gotten out hours later. And then they’d followed me home.
At least Carrie was safely tucked away inside. She’d been home for a day and
a half, and we’d somehow managed to sneak her out the back door of the hospital when we’d left. At least she’d been able to avoid the frenzy that was now our life.
I took a deep breath and opened the door. Immediately, reporters started acting like seagulls fighting over the same fucking fish.
“How’s your wife?”
“What did the police say?’
“How’s it feel to live in the same house your wife was shot in?”
The questions never stopped coming. I ignored them all. The security guards kept them off my property, but that didn’t stop them from shouting questions at me. I couldn’t wait for a celebrity to be caught sharing naked photos or making a porno.
Then they’d move on to the next hot thing.
Head down, I made my way to the door. Hugh and Margie were inside, watching over Carrie while I went to work. As much as I wished I could stay home all week long taking care of her, it wasn’t possible. I’d been out of work for too long, and now Carrie was, too. We were financially stable, but that didn’t mean we could take months off of work and not feel the strain.
On top of that, I’d had another stop on the way home from work, before the police station. I’d had to see Dr. Montgomery. I’d started going again, and she was a huge help. After Carrie had been injured, I’d known it was a necessary step. Now, more so than ever, I needed to be strong.
Carrie needed me.
I unlocked the door, my eyes on the red stained concrete. The blood had come out, but the stain wouldn’t. It was a constant reminder that I hadn’t been here when I should have been. That wouldn’t happen again. I wouldn’t let it.
Closing the door behind me, I listened for my family. Carrie’s soft voice filled my senses, and I closed my eyes, leaning against the door. I let her soft musical voice wash over me, taking away all the voices that tried to distract me. Taking away the darkness that threatened to overcome me.
She was my light. My flame. My love.
“Is that you, Finn?” Hugh asked, coming into the foyer. He wore a suit and his hair was as impeccable as ever. “It is. How did it go?”
I tugged on my tie, loosening it. “Good. Work was crazy, the police station was swarmed with reporters.” I averted my eyes. “But they didn’t make it to the therapist. At least they don’t know about that yet.”
“Don’t look away like that, son.” Hugh walked over to me and rested his hand on my shoulder. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. I know you’ve been having a tough time, even before she was injured, and this can only be making it harder. Hell, I’m having nightmares, too.”
I blinked. “You are?”
“Yes.” He tugged on his collar. “But what I’m saying is I know why you were suffering, and I still say there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your father would be proud of you. Proud of the man you’ve become.”
I swallowed hard, finding it hard to breathe. This man, though once my enemy, was now so much more. My father had been gone for so long, and Hugh had filled that void. For so long, he’d been there. And I was ashamed to admit it, but I’d taken that for granted. “Sir…I…thank you.”
“I love you, son.” He crossed the room and hugged me tight. So tight that he might have cracked a rib, but it felt fucking amazing. “We all do.”
I hugged him back, blinking away the moisture in my eyes. “I love you, too.”
Margie came in, an emotional smile on her face. Her eyes were wetter than mine. “I agree. Your father would be so proud of you. We all are.”
I let go of Hugh, and he stepped back. We both straightened our jackets. “Thank you, Margie.”
“Dinner is in the stove.” She picked up her jacket, and Hugh rushed to her side to help her get it on. “It’s lasagna. I know it’s not as good as yours, but I figured any home-cooked meal would make your first day back at work easier.”
I hugged her. “It does. Thank you.”
“Thank you.” She patted my cheek. “She’s waiting for you. She’s in good spirits today.”
“That’s good.” I nodded and swallowed hard. Carrie might seem as if she was in good spirits, but I knew better. It was an act to make us all feel better. She was still taking care of us, even though we were supposed to be the ones taking care of her. “I’ll head in after I reset the lock code.”
I watched them go, setting the code back to alarm after they left. Through the window, I watched them stop to talk to the media. Senator Wallington gestured to the house, then to himself. He was probably asking them to respect our privacy.
He might as well have saved his breath.
After they got in their limo, I let the curtain fall back into place. Straightening my spine, I headed for the living room with a bright smile on my face. She wasn’t the only one who was putting on an act. I was too. As much as she felt she needed to be strong for me…
I felt it a million times worse, because I hadn’t been there for her.
I should have been there for her.
“Honey, I’m home,” I called out, my voice as light as I could possibly manage. “You should have seen my desk. It was piled to the ceiling with assignments, I swear.”
“Lots of computer codes needing to be written and systems to be tested?” she asked, turning to me with a smile. Susan sat on her lap, playing with the beaded necklace Carrie wore. I’d bought it for her three years ago for her birthday. “Did you save the world, one code at a time?”
“You know it.” I sat beside them and kissed Carrie’s temple. When Susan saw me, she dropped the necklace and beamed at me. “Now I’m home with both of my princesses.”
“Dah!” Susan wailed, her fists flying. She reached out for me. “Dah!”
“Come here.” I caught her under her armpits and lifted her high, making a silly face at her. She giggled and patted my face—which was more of a slap. “Ow.”
Susan pulled on my lower lip, and I made a gurgling sound. She giggled even more. Carrie leaned back and smiled, but her eyes were filled with sadness. It broke my heart to see her like this. Trying to act as if she was strong and didn’t feel pain.
But I’d learned something lately. Pain was something you couldn’t ignore. It needed to be felt, and it wouldn’t shut up until you acknowledged its existence. It wouldn’t just go away. Pain was a stubborn asshole like that. Kinda like me.
“Finn.” She readjusted herself on the couch, meeting my eyes. She still looked so pale and weak. And yet, somehow, she seemed stronger, too. As if she’d come to some sort of decision, and I was scared to know what it might be. “We need to talk.”
Those words never failed to fill me with dread. The smile on my face slid away, and I swallowed. “Okay. Can it wait until she’s down for the night?”
“I’d rather do it now.” She tucked her hair behind her ear, glancing at me nervously. She was moving so much better now, as if she was actually healed. I knew better. “I don’t want to lose my nerve.”
Susan whacked me in the eye. I flinched. “She’s got a better arm than her mother. Geez.”
“Finn.”
I winced again. This time because of her, though. Not Susan. “I know.”
“When I got hurt, you weren’t living here. You’d…left.” She lifted a knee and hugged it close, resting her chin on it. “Then I got hurt, and you swooped in to take care of me. Thank you for that, by the way. After everything we’d been through, you still…you still…”
“Because of everything we’d been through, I had to.” I turned away from her, knowing what was coming and scared as hell. Susan watched me, her expression way too somber. It was as if she knew what was happening, too, and didn’t like it. Neither did I. “Did you expect me not to take care of you? You’re my wife, Carrie.”
“I know.” She closed her eyes for a second before she opened them. She looked so sad. So alone. “But I’m better now. I don’t need to be taken care of anymore.”
“You don’t have to finish. I know what you’re going to say. You want me to leave,”
I said, my voice hollow. I couldn’t help it. My heart was getting ripped out of my chest all over again. “You want me to get out again.”
She glanced at me, tears in her eyes. “That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” Susan squirmed and wiggled toward the floor, so I put her down. I immediately missed her warmth. Her smile. Everything. “What do you want?”
“I want you to be happy.” She swiped a tear away with her hand. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
“It’s all I ever wanted for you, too,” I said.
“You left me,” she said, hugging her leg even tighter. “You walked away.”
“I know,” I whispered. My eyes stung, but I refused to give in. “I shouldn’t have done that. It’s my fault you’re hurt. It’s my fault you lost our baby.”
She whipped her head toward me. “Don’t. Don’t go there.”
“How could I not?” I stood up and tugged on my hair. Susan played with my pants leg, jerking on it hard. “If I hadn’t walked away, I would have been here. If I hadn’t walked away, you wouldn’t have thought it was me knocking on that door. If I hadn’t been in denial about needing help, I wouldn’t have run.”
She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. “This isn’t your fault. None of it is.”
“That’s what Dr. Montgomery says, too.” I covered my face and closed my eyes. Closed out the world. “But I don’t believe her, and I don’t believe you, either.”
“You went to see her again?”
“I did.” I let out a harsh laugh and dropped my hands. “But it’s too late.”
Susan still sat at my feet, watching me with a wrinkled brow. I tried to force a smile for her, and it must have worked despite the fact that I felt like I was dying. She smiled up at me and then crawled away. I felt like an empty shell of a man right now. Carrie was kicking me out, and this time it would be for good.
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