by Gigi Aceves
I started shaking my head. “Negative. Roxy has trust issues, and hiding shit from her will only make it worse. Fuck, if I’ll let you jeopardize that for me. You don’t know how long I’ve waited to finally have her. I can’t risk it, man. I can’t. The only way to go is to be honest with her.”
It was LT’s turn to shake his head. “Believe me when I tell you, she’ll pull back. With everything going on, we can’t have her knowing without prepping her.”
I scoff at him. “And lying to her is prepping her? This is a fucked up plan if I’ve ever heard one.”
“How the hell do you know?”
“You don’t know shit! You don’t know her like I do!”
“She’s my girl!”
“And she’s MINE!”
Jack stood up and slammed his palm on the table, getting our attention. Instantly stopping us. “Get your shit together! Both of you are losing sight of the objective here. Do I need to spell it out? It’s not just her life at stake here. So, get over the bullshit and get over it fast!”
“You have to know, Gunny, lying to her isn’t gonna be good.”
Jack turned his back on me, shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair as I waited to hear what his decision was. Slowly, he turned around, and I knew I wouldn’t like what he was about to say.
“Cody, there’s no other way. I have to agree with Damien on this one. Jake’s still in the hospital, that’s one. Two, we’re still dealing with the cartel. I don’t think Roxy can handle any more without us trying to smooth the road down a bit. You have to trust me on this one. I know her better than you,” he pointed at me and turned to Damien. “And you combined, but Damien, you don’t have all the time in the world, son.”
“It’s not gonna take me long, Gunny. I…”
I stopped him right then. I didn’t need a damn timeline on when he’d be ready, or how long it was going to take him to have a come to Jesus moment.
“I’m giving you a month or two, man. After that, I’ll tell her.” I stared Damien down. Needed him to know how serious I was.
“I give you my word, but do me a favor, if you want to be her strength, make sure she knows. When this hits her, I need to know you’re solid, that you’ll be there for her. I need you to be the man for her, because I can’t shield her from the shit storm. Understood?”
He extended his hand, and I shook it. The way he gripped my hand said a lot. Right then, I knew that he had my girl’s best interest at heart. I still don’t agree with the plan, but it seemed it was the least painful way for her.
My musing is interrupted by LT’s loud voice lecturing Roxy.
“Now, are you going to take this seriously? Thank God, no one got hurt. That wasn’t a warning, Roxy.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I don’t want anything happening to anyone of you because of me!” Roxy shouts back, my feisty girl is back.
LT turns around and faces her, his tone clipped, “Then, next time, don’t be a pain in the ass about it. Are we clear?”
Roxy answers sarcastically, “Crystal!”
LT’s demeanor changes, concern seeps out of his eyes. “I don’t want anything happening to you, either. I love you too much, Roxy.”
My body doesn’t go rigid when I hear LT tell Roxy he loves her. It did, though, when those four words left her luscious lips.
“I love you too, LT,” she says, while holding on to me, right in front of everyone.
My brain tells me it’s nothing; I know the truth after all. Hearing her say it back, her words feel as if they’re electrocuting my heart, each word feels as though I’m getting zapped and jolted until I’m numb. I don’t understand why my thoughts are waging war against each other. They shouldn’t really, because of what I know, but what about what I don’t know. I’m sure of LT’s feelings, but what about hers? Until she knows the truth, I’ll be feeling this way. As much as I’d like to tell her the truth, it’s not mine to tell. Even if it were, it’s not the right time.
Everything has a time and place. If you veer off course, you’ll hit a snag. You go too fast, and you might hit a wall. My mom used to tell me, ‘in everything there’s a season. Your heart will tell you when it’s the right time, but make sure your heart is right’. My heart is right….unmistakably right. It’s her heart I want to heal…her heart I completely need to own.
We, finally, get to Gunny’s house, and I’m already dreading the stressful art of planning how to keep everyone secure. It’s times like these I wish life weren’t complicated. I hate complicated. I need to be in control at all times. When I’m assigned a subject, he or she listens to everything I say. The problem here, is Roxy fights me on everything. Gunny gets down to business as soon as we’re all seated.
“So, we move to plan B, boys…” Gunny says, while our eyes are set on him.
We’re in the den mapping out our next move. As the girls come in with drinks, Roxy fires out the first question of this match.
“What do you mean ‘plan B’? What exactly is this plan, Uncle Jack?” Roxy’s steady tone makes me sigh in relief, knowing she’s not frustrated, yet.
Just as Gunny is about to answer, we lose power. Fuck!
Our training kicks in mixing with the adrenaline coursing through our veins, and in five seconds flat, we’re positioned with our guns drawn, earpieces in place. I feel her hands clamped on my waist, her breathing uneven against the nape of my neck. If she doesn’t bust out quietly singing in the next five seconds, I’d be surprised.
Gunny whispers instruction low but solid, “I’ll call it in. LT, stay with my wife. Hang tight, girls.”
I back Roxy against the wall that separates the den and dining room. I squint my eyes and see Brian has Tami in the same hold on the opposite side of the room, next to LT and Patti. I want to turn around and wrap her in my arms, but I don’t think I can just now, not until I’m able to center myself. Never ending fear has my body trapped since this whole thing began. Not too long ago, I was in this state. It’s a silent torture that troubles me, and it will continue to suffocate me until this nightmare ends.
I’m trained to detach and compartmentalize my feeling. I stay focused on the objective, which wasn’t hard for me to do before, but now…now that I found my love, it’s hard to separate my feelings. The face that erases my fears is the very face that causes me to experience the same fears.
I know, I need to stay focused, but I need her more…my heart demands what my brain tries its hardest to deny. Who wins? The heart always…always wins. So, I turn and look at her…I look at my love.
My eyes roam her pretty face, checking for any sign of panic. “You okay?” I hope she sees the love shining through my eyes, because I need her to know…I need her to feel it. I want her to own it.
Like a trooper, she gives me a small smile and says, “You’re in front of me, ready to defend me; so, I’m more than good.” She licks her lips, and the words that leave her mouth are a lifeline to my worried soul, “I love you. I say it because I might not have another chance since Yo quiero Taco Bell seems determined to kill me.” The corner of her lips pulls down a bit.
How can a couple of words bring me to a euphoric high and slam me down so hard I need to brace myself at the same time? Her words boom and fucking detonate in my heart like a grenade, destroying everything on impact. Fear and guilt swirl in her eyes, and knowing she feels that way, pulls me further down in that abyss where nothing but anger resides.
I grip her chin. “I.love.you.too. No one will touch a strand of hair on that pretty head of yours, not on my watch. My life for yours, got that?”
She shakes her head defiantly. “I.am.not.losing.you. Got that?”
Something happens to me every time she tells me she loves me, and every time she matches my determination with her own. It makes me forget the promise of keeping the secret we’re shielding from her that I made to LT. I want to kiss her and love on her, but I’m afraid my mouth will betray me. She’s not ready…prepare her…pave the way…ease t
he burden. There goes my mind, waging a constant war between the truth I need to tell her, and the secret I need to keep to protect her.
Instead, I can only nod to what she just said. Her fierce determination is like a damn Red Bull that hypes me up. This girl…this girl right here…she is my source…my core…she is my heart. My love and dedication to her is palpable…down right…unmistakable.
It’s just so much easier now that I can tell Cody I love him. It’s amazing what fear can do, what fear can drive someone to admit. To others, it may be the very fear that causes them to freeze, to hide, and to back down. For me, it’s the driving force to make me act. It’s fear…that very fear that gnaws on my soul. That fear threatens my being, and finally, makes me realize I need to do or say something. I can’t mistake or deny it, but instead admit what I’m feeling, what I’m seeing is real.
TRUE. Unmistakably, TRUE.
I hate when I let go of that fear, and then, have my trust broken and my heart ripped apart in the process. I hope Cody won’t do that because it will, literally, kill me.
My deep soul searching is interrupted by a loud bang coming from somewhere, and I really don’t care from where as long as the said source is far, far away from me! What the hell? That sound isn’t far, far away. Actually, it’s really, really close! Cody is like a statue in front of me, and if not for his controlled breathing, I would really think he were one.
After what seems like an eternity, Uncle Jack finally comes back. I know this without seeing, because all of a sudden, we’re moving. Cody’s head motion prompts me to move toward my left, painstakingly slow. Ten backward steps in, and another loud noise coming from outside, stuns me again. Shitballs! How many are out there?
“Fuck, how many are out there?” Cody echoes my sentiment.
We all meet in the middle of the great room. With all the girls in the middle of the circle, we await Uncle Jack’s instructions. It’s as if we’re in a middle of a football huddle until Uncle Jack says ‘break’.
“Listen up. I’ve called it in. Move to the garage, LT. You’re on point,” Uncle Jack whispers his instructions.
LT moves first; followed by Cody, who’s on my left; Tami is behind me; next to her is Aunt Patti. Uncle Jack and Brian bring up the rear. LT signals to stop and plaster our backs against the wall as he moves in the opposite direction, directly beside the door. Slowly, Cody grips the door knob, and LT answers with a single head nod to proceed with one hand holding a tactical flashlight and the other his Sig Sauer pointing straight, safety off, trigger finger at the ready. It seems as though we’re moving in slow motion. Not knowing what’s behind that door seems to constrict my brain, and the moment Cody opens the door, a foreboding chill instantly fills the air.
The boys wait, guns pointed straight, stance rigid, while us girls, well, we pray. We pray for these fuckers to die! Roxy this isn’t the time to say bad words! You should say, ‘please Lord, forgive them for they know not what they do. Our boys know their stuff, so please, make them hit their targets. Amen.’
“Clear,” LT whispers.
LT holds the door open with his back against the door. I follow Cody, walking past LT toward the door leading to the backyard. Cody holds his right arm up with a closed fist, a sign for us to stop. Tami grabs my hand, and we all stay crouching low on the ground as the guys stand in front us, waiting for my uncle’s next instructions.
“Just hang tight. Cops are on their way,” Uncle Jack says as he bends over kissing my aunt’s head.
“Thank God,” Tami mutters under hear breath.
A series of loud gunshots causes Cody to slam his body hard against mine. The next thing I hear, the boys are yelling.
“Cover!”
Just then, I feel more weight on me. God, I’m not going to die from a bullet! I’m going to die because I’m pinned by two six foot hunks of manliness. Not a bad way to go! WTH? Clearly, my foxy self is only thinking of her reproductive organ!
It feels like forever, but finally, I feel a little bit of the weight lift off of me. I can hear Uncle Jack talking to LT, footsteps leaving the garage, and sirens in the background. Next, I feel Cody’s strong arms around me, pulling me toward him. Seconds later, Cody taps his earpiece mouthing ‘all clear’ to me.
“You okay, love? I didn’t mean to slam into you that hard. I needed to cover you. Sorry,” He says as he run his hands all over me, checking for injuries.
“It’s okay. If you were covering me, why did LT jump, too? I couldn’t breathe at all.”
Cody’s hands start caressing my cheeks. “He was covering both of us.”
What do I say to that? Damien’s act of selflessness makes me love him even more. I just hope Cody won’t think anything is happening between him and me.
Brian pulls Cody to the side, as Tami pulls me toward her for a hug. I’m close enough to Brian and Cody to hear part of what Brian is saying. Upon hearing it, my heart starts beating a mile a minute, and my over active brain is running amok all on its own.
“Man, tell her while you still can. What happened tonight was too close. You have to talk to LT, because this can’t go on much longer, Cody.”
As I inch away from Tami, wanting to hear more of what Brian is saying, his eyes dart from my face to Cody’s, and he changes his tune.
“Cody, come on; let’s get the girls inside. I’m sure, Gunny has something to tell us. Let’s go,” Brian says, while he only looks at Cody, and not at me.
I know, he’s ignoring me, but I also know, he’s hiding something from me. Just then, LT walks in and stands next to me. My mind is still thinking about what Brian meant by what he said. I’ve always trusted my intuition…it has never steered me wrong. Right now, it’s telling me something isn’t adding up. That feeling alone wakes me from my stupor, and my mouth runs away with my nerves.
“Is there something going on that I need to know, LT?” I ask, with a serious tone as I face him, while studying his facial expression.
He stays stoic. There’s no sudden shift in his facial expression, either. Who am I kidding? He’s trained not to show his emotions. Shit! All of them are trained to be just that, but one thing you can’t train are the eyes. It’s the part of you that feels without touching…that tells without speaking. It’s the part of the human body that knows what the heart is feeling, because when the heart is hurting, they shed tears of pain. When the heart is happy, they cry tears of joy. So, I focus on the eyes…
LT blows out a breath before answering. “Nothing’s going on, Rox. Bring it down a notch, yeah?”
Then, I turn to Cody. He won’t lie to me after I just gave him my whole heart. He knows…He knows not to break my trust. This damn secret has got something to do with either Cody or LT. The fear confining my heart moves my mouth to speak. I say a silent prayer before asking God to spare me another heartache, for Cody not to break my heart.
Looking at him with hope in my eyes, I ask one simple question. “Is there something you know that you’re not telling me?”
There it is. Without answering, Cody gave me his answer…not a single word leaves his lips. The very lips I kiss are now the very lips that can’t move…can’t speak. It’s his silence that seals our fate, but it’s his sparkling blue eyes that stab my heart. They used to resonate love and truth…now…now they only show regret.
He reaches for me, and I let him. “Love, don’t. Don’t judge me without hearing what I have to say.”
I savor the warmth his hand gives, but when he moves to touch my face…I catch his hand and stop him from touching me. He lost that right the moment he lied to me…the moment he made the decision not to be forthcoming with me.
Shaking my head I say, “You don’t have to say anything, love.” I say love in the most sarcastic, hurtful way I can. “Your silence says it all. Whatever it is you’re both keeping from me….” I swing my head to LT, and I pin him with my anger filled eyes. “…I hope it’s worth it.”
LT speaks before I turn around to leave. “Roxy, please…�
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Pointing my finger at him, I lash out. “No! You don’t get to talk now. I gave you the chance when I asked you. You should have answered me then!”
Cody reaches out to me, but I shrug him off. I walk away from the only person I’ve given my heart to. What kills the hope that sprouts like a mushroom in my heart, is knowing that the person who broke that trust is the very person that I love with all my heart.
I know, love can heal most any hurt, but trust is vital in making love last a lifetime. How can ours last if trust has been decimated to oblivion? Can the power of love put together the trust he shattered to pieces?
So, this is how a broken, shattered, obliterated heart feels. I’m breathing, but my heart isn’t feeling, though it’s beating, it feels so empty. This is what lying to my love does…it makes me want to hide in shame. I want to punch myself, wound myself for hurting her. This is why I was opposed to this fucked up plan of Damien’s. I wanted to tell her from the get go; but after Damien convinced me, and weighing the pros and cons, sometimes you have to make the tough decision to achieve the best end result. Not good…not even better, but the best result. I don’t want Roxy to feel that she’s ‘collateral damage’. Roxy is never, was never, will never be collateral damage. My decision was based on shielding her from pain, and that, for me, is the best result.
Was it right to hide things from her? At the time, it was. Now, in hindsight, fuck if I know. I thought I could control the situation. I wanted to protect her in a controlled way. She just needs to trust me. After what just happened, her trusting me again will be the biggest and hardest hurdle I will ever face in my life.
Control – how could I have lost it in this situation?
As everyone converges back in the great room, my eyes zero in on Roxy, who’s sandwiched between Patti and Tami. She’s not looking my way, and I’ll bet my left nut she knows I’m staring at her. Why not your right nut? Do you favor it? What the fuck? I surprise myself sometimes when I think of stupid things to calm my shit down since the one who can obviously calm my nerves is currently ignoring me. My all access pass has turned into all access denied, indefinitely.
