by Gigi Aceves
Frustration as strong as the strongest quake rattles my insides. It shakes the foundation of my belief in myself, because the one person I want to trust me…doesn’t. Jake smirks and scratches his forehead, seeming to remember something really funny.
He says, “In the words of the famous Ms. Betsy, are you hearing yourself? It’s all about you, isn’t it, Cody? You can use this stupid control in two ways. You can let it eat you up, mess you up, push her away, and break down, accepting defeat, or you can man up, own up, stand up, and walk out of this garage a better man….a free man with the love of your life beside you. What will it be?”
I look at Jake as if he grew a third ball, or a fucking third nipple, because he just spewed a shitload of Ms. Betsy’s kind of whoop ass while he’s trying to control his laughter.
“I would walk out, because right after her speech, Ms. Betsy did just that. But, that’s just too much drama.” Jake laughs, and his eyes shows the special love he has for his dear old nurse.
“Dude, I knew Ms. Betsy was more than just a pimp with drugs. Damn, I miss that woman,” I tell Jake as we both smile at each other.
Jake looks down in deep thought. “Don’t give up, man. Own up to what you can do and what you can give, but more than anything, sacrifice what you can for her. So, give up a little bit of the control you are trying to hold on to. There’s no greater love than sacrificial love, Cody. Nothing greater.”
What Jake said is true…it’s real. I’ve known about sacrificial love. I’ve done it since I joined the Corps. I realize Roxy hasn’t really seen or felt sacrificial love. She probably wouldn’t know it, even if it were right in her face, because no one has ever shown her. I’m not saying she isn’t capable of it, it’s just she may not be willing to risk everything.
Right here…right now…I promise myself, I’ll show her what it means to sacrifice oneself for another. I want her to take everything from me…my love, my heart, my body, and though I know she wouldn’t want me to give up my life for hers….it’s hers, and no one else’s. My life for hers….always.
To say, I’m emotionally drained is an understatement. Over the past couple of days, I’ve experienced the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. I try to focus on one of the highs, which was me telling Cody ‘I love him’, because that was hard for me to do. The trust in conjunction with saying those three words mean so much to me. In order for me to move forward with Cody, I need to give him a little bit of trust. A little wiggle room, so to speak.
Can a relationship last with just a little bit? Can you use half of the ingredients to bake a cake, expecting it to taste good? Can you just take half of the medicine, expecting to get better? There’s such a thing called ‘half and half’. I see it all the time in the dairy section in the supermarket. Are you for real, right now? You’re talking about a creamer, Roxy! How does that apply to your relationship with Cody? Unless his cum taste like Folgers in your cup, that half and half shit won’t work.
Why is it in other parts of my life, I can easily give in without too much bickering with myself. I can easily love, make someone smile, offer my help, maybe vagina punch a few wanna be barbies, but when it comes to handing out my trust, I fold…I retreat. I go halfway. I don’t want to meet him halfway…I want to go all the way with Cody.
Trish nudges me with her shoulders. “What are you thinking about?”
I sigh heavily, “Nothing…everything.”
“You know, all you need to do is just trust Cody. One, he’s sure of his feelings for you. Two, he’s very capable to ride this crazy train with you. He hasn’t given you any reason to doubt him, right?”
“I know, Trish, but it’s still hard. Actually, harder now. Much harder, because he lied to me, twice! You know, that’s a no go for me. It’s like my hard limit if we’re in the Red Room of Pain,” I say, jokingly, knowing I need to lighten the situation.
Trish giggles and says, “Well, make it a soft limit, but then, I thought you liked everything hard!”
I let out a loud gasp, “Mama Igloo, you’re becoming a nympho! I heard being pregnant makes you horny as hell, but with you it’s times four. Girl, be careful, or I’ll be calling you Sexzilla!”
Tami and Summer walk in with snacks and drinks in hand.
“Rox, are you and Cody, okay?” Tami asks, as she hands Trish a smoothie.
My brows slightly pull together. “Ah, last time I checked, yes. Did he say something?”
Summer shrugs her shoulders. “He just seemed out of it when we saw him in the kitchen. Then, he and Jake went to the garage. Oh, well, maybe it’s the stress. Frankly, I don’t know how you guys are even functioning. Damien told me on the way up here what’s going on, and boy, I wanted to tell him, so badly, to drive me back to my apartment,” she says and smiles apologetically at Trish. “But, I already gave Jack my word. Plus, Ms. Betsy would rip me a new one if I said no.”
“You don’t have anything to worry about, Summer. We’re so well protected, too much if you ask me. You know what I mean, a little on the over board side,” Tami says, as she shakes her head.
Just as Jake and Cody walk into the living room, Trish winces in pain, holding her stomach. Right away, Jake’s at her side. Summer asks me to move, so she can check on Trish.
“Babe, talk to me,” Jake says, as he kneels down in front of her.
Trish takes a deep breath before speaking, “I’m okay.” She focuses on Jake, trying to calm him down. “How about you just take me to our room?”
Then, Trish winces in pain again, and Jake goes nuts and starts barking orders.
“Trish, I’m taking you to the hospital. Tami, get LT, now!” Jake yells while holding on to Trish’s stomach.
Trish rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Jake, listen; I’m okay.”
Jake lifts her skirt. What the hell? Geez, this guy knows no bounds! I hope she has Victoria’s Secret covering her hooha, and not granny parachute panties!
“No, you’re not! I want to see if you’re bleeding. Summer, check if she’s bleeding. Fuck! LT!” Jake yells, again like a gorilla out for blood.
LT and Brian come running into the living room. Brian tosses his keys to LT, and he catches them, no problem. LT puts on his shoulder holster, checks his gun, puts it back in the holster, puts on his jacket, and turns toward Jake.
“I’m ready! Let’s roll,” LT says, calmly.
Trish looks at Summer, then to Jake and to me, while Summer and LT share a look. Summer shakes her head, ever so slightly, looking at LT, and much to my surprise, LT relaxes just a bit. His normally tense I am-ready-to-pounce-on-something attitude goes down a few pegs.
“Oh, Trish, you’re on your own girlfriend. When Jake goes cray cray like that, there’s no bringing him down. Freddy Flintstone is in the house! I don’t have an answer to how you’ll yabba dabba doo your way out of this, Trish.” I say, without laughing for fear of Jake’s death glare.
Tami puts her hand on Jake’s shoulder, who’s ready to carry Trish out.
“Jake, relax. Let Summer check her. That’s why she’s here. If her blood pressure is high, we’ll take her. If she’s bleeding, we’re out of here, but let Summer do her job, okay?”
Jake starts shaking his head. “No, I’m taking her now! I can’t wait, Tami!”
Poor Trish is shaking like a leaf, with Jake, the pain, and being fussed over by Summer, I’d go crazy myself. I need to do something ASAP. So, I pull Jake and push him toward the kitchen.
“Hold your shit together, Jake! You’re scaring Mama Igloo and the babies. How about a fast five? Come on, I’ll even start. Ummm, Oh, I got one. How about BIG? Oh, wait, scratch that; uh, how about sweet?”
Jake roars out, “What the fuck, Roxy?”
“Oh, well, fucking can be sweet. That’ll work. Next word, smelly?” I say, trying to control my laughter.
Jake steps toward me and yells, “This is bullshit; Roxy, move!”
“Absolutely, bull’s shit smells. Any shit for that matter. Next word is
…” Then, Jake, literally, picks me up and moves me out of the way.
Cody stands in front of him in a heartbeat. A stare down soon follows, and everyone holds their breath. More, I’m holding my breath since everyone else’s attention is centered on Trish. Then, I hear the unthinkable, or the heart melting words leaving Cody’s mouth.
“Jake, cool it down a notch. Remember what you told me seconds ago, nothing is greater than sacrificial love. So, get a lid and seal the control that’s been wanting to come out as tight as possible. For Trish, Jake, calm the fuck down, for Trish.”
I see Jake’s demeanor change some, and the worry in his eyes overpowers the control he wants to unleash.
“I don’t want to lose her, or any of my babies. I’ll die if that happens,” Jake says in a very slow manner, laced with fear making the hairs on my body stand.
I want to say something, but Cody beats me to it, “No one is going to lose anyone, Jake. We’re good here, alright? Deep breaths, buddy.”
Jake says sternly, “Are you handling me, Cody?”
Cody answers with equal force. “You bet your dick I am. It’s what we do for each other. Now, get with the program and cut the bullshit. Breathe, man; the BG’s need their dad, alright?”
I arch my brows at Cody. “What have the Bee Gee’s got to do with, ah, Jake having a breakdown? Are we going to sing How Deep Is Your Love?”
“The BG’s are ‘B’ for boys and ‘G’ for girls. You know, the babies baking in Trish’s…” Cody points at Trish. “Belly-slow cooker, powered by Jake’s dick.” Then, Cody smiles at me, making me tingle all over.
Summer’s calm voice settles the nerves of everyone. More so, Jake’s, who’s been bouncing like a child hyped up on candies and sodas. “The BG’s are fine, and the belly-slow cooker is still up and running. Her BP’s slightly high, Jake. No bleeding, and the pain subsided. I say, if her BP doesn’t go down, she continues to have these pains, and they become unbearable, we take her in. Maybe, the pain is causing her BP to spike up. For now, let’s just wait and see.”
Jake is next to Trish in a nanosecond, like The Flash, super hero. I think Jake surrenders his caveman suit for one of the super friends. I must say, he would look good in tights.
Jake says, while looking at Trish, but talking to Summer, “Does that mean her cervix is expanding or stretching, or are they Braxton Hicks?”
“It could just be her cervix is stretching. You know, making room for the babies,” Summer says, while looking at Jake with understanding in her eyes.
Trish holds Jake’s cheeks lovingly and says, “See, I’m okay. Now, can you get me a pickle and rocky road ice cream, please?”
I cringe after hearing what Trish wants to eat. Deciding to concentrate on my relationship, I approach Cody, because I miss him, terribly. With everything else going on around us, having a quiet moment is hard to come by. I’m eager to have him all to myself, but more than anything, I’m dying to explain why I acted the way I did. I hate this ocean of unspoken words existing between us. We’ve always talked things out, whether we’re yelling at each other, or just simply talking.
“Hey, love; I’ve missed you,” I say, wanting to convey the need I’m desperately feeling.
He snakes his hand behind my neck and squeezes me tenderly, while his eyes jump from my eyes to my lips. His heart piercing gaze is driving me insane, and my need intensifies beyond controllable levels. I’ve never craved…never needed…never desired…anyone as much as I do him. For him, I’ll break, if I haven’t already, the vow I made when my life went to hell fifteen years ago…of not letting anyone in. I think I’m too late…it’s too late. Cody has unlocked and decoded the force field I’ve surrounded my heart with to protect it. I fought it for so long… I’ve tried to squelch the fire only he can light up, and no matter how good I fought, his love pushed through. His love captured me, and I never want to be released, not ever. I shall remain a prisoner of his love, forever…until the day I die.
“You want me, love? All you need to do is ask,” He says, as his eyes eat me up.
I start nodding my head, not because I want to connect with him sexually, which is always a constant with us, but more than anything, I want to unite our hearts together. I want to iron every kink…clear every doubt…undo every knot…and heal every hurt.
Seeing I can only give him a nod of my head, he leads me to our room. Slowly, he guides me to the stairs, and my mind is playing every lie he’s ever said to me, but the feel of his hand over mine translates to every sweet word he’s ever lovingly said to me. The feisty woman in me demands answers to why he broke my trust, but the little girl in me just desires the love he’s always shown me.
We enter our room, he sits me down on the bed and kneels in front of me wedging himself between my legs. He twines our fingers together; slowly takes a breath, while my heart thuds non-stop; and my brain stops functioning as my eyes soaks up the love that flows freely from him to me.
He gives my hands a love squeeze and says, “I know, there’s a lot of doubts in your head. Ones I’ve placed there, and ones created by your past; but I hope, you can see beyond the lies, because they weren’t meant to hurt you.” He shakes his head and says, “I hate you even consider it lying, because I didn’t make up a lie to cover the truth…I merely kept quiet to prepare you to handle the truth. Every time pain or sadness covers your beautiful face, my heart feels it, too. So, my actions will always ensure your heart is always protected. I’ll shelter it from any storm, because I want to be your heaven amidst the raging chaos of life. I’ll always…always come to you; no one else matters to me, just you. I’ll give up my life, so yours will be whole.”
Cody didn’t say anything after that. It’s as if he’s thinking of saying goodbye…my heart feels he’s saying goodbye…
He clears his throat as he stares at our hands, still locked together.
“If for some reason, you can’t see me or feel me, you can doubt everything about us; but never doubt my love for you. Trust that my heart’s every beat…each time it pumps life in me…what’s inside, is you. It pulses because of you, and it hangs on for dear life, scared as fuck of losing you. It loves only you.”
There are no words in the English dictionary I can think of to explain what I’m feeling, right now. However, one thing I know for sure, I’m in awe of his love for me. No one has ever loved me as fiercely as he does. How I wish there were a pill that could wash away my doubts, could wipe away my fears to just completely trust this man. I ache to trust him. Sometimes, it’s hard to teach your heart to feel, to teach your eyes to see; but most of all, it’s hard to erase the memories trenched so deep, their grip so strong, their strength so powerful that in order to break free, you need more than love…more than a shitload of trust, and more than a vat full of hope to escape.
What do I need then? Who do I need? Who can rescue me?
My foxy-crazy-self answers for me.
What you need is a man who completely, undeniably, undoubtedly loves you with everything he is…everything he has, and everything he can give. That man is right in front of you. He has more than enough love, and more than enough hope to fight this war you wage on yourself. So, love him…trust in him. Trust your love for him is enough…and let that love teach you to trust him, completely.
So, I do….
I pull him close to me. I want to enclose him with myself, surround him with me…all of me.
With my hands shaking, fearful, he won’t believe me I anchor them on his face and say, “Cody, you own my heart, and I trust you to take care of it. I really do. It may take a while for me to completely, irrevocably trust all of us to you because I’ve been burned so deeply. I feel the need to take care of us my way. I don’t know how I can love you so much, and not trust you wholly. It’s hard to forget the past, because it shapes our present and unfolds our future. One thing I can assure you is, even though my past dictates my actions, it’s because of my love for you, I’m prepared and willing to give you myself whole
heartedly. Are you able to take me as I am?”
Just when Cody’s about to answer, LT and Brian’s loud voices shake the quiet engulfing our house.
“Don’t open the door, T!”
Cody springs into action, and in seconds he has his gun cocked and ready to fire.
“Stay here. Don’t go out for anything. Do you understand?”
Shocked out of my mind, I just stare at him with my mouth open as I nod once. Then, he’s gone locking the door behind him.
I slowly inch my way toward the stairs and stop when I see Jake doing the same with his gun pointing on the floor. One nod from me, and we continue our trek down the stairs carefully with the least amount of noise as possible. Back to back we cleared the foyer. As we enter the living room, I see Brian hugging Tami, as LT drops a manila envelope on top of whatever shits on the table.
“What the hell is going on?” Jake asks while looking at Tami.
“Someone fucking rang the doorbell, and we yelled for her not to open the door.” LT points at the manila envelope. “I opened it, and she saw the black rose attached to the picture and DVD….” LT stops talking as he sits down on the sofa.
“A fucking DVD and a picture?” I finally find my voice to speak.
At this point, Tami is crying, though not hysterically, it’s enough to fill the room with tension so thick I don’t think anyone can breathe at all.
Clearing his throat, Jake speaks, “Let me take Tami upstairs with the girls. As soon as you’ve reviewed it, come get me.”
Jake leads a very distraught Tami toward the stairs, while I itch to see what the hell picture was attached to the damn rose and what the damn DVD is all about. What the hell, we just got here! As soon as Jake disappeared, both Brian and I move to where LT is sitting.
