by Greg Fowler
He was still staring at her too when she caught him red handed.
‘What?’
‘Nothin’’ Eddy got straight back to his second sandwich, hoping that was the end of it.
‘How’s your Grandma been?’
‘Okay I g…guess.’
‘She hasn’t said anything about Mr Tree yet?’
‘Nope. She j…just comes in and out again.’
Reagan mulled this one over for a moment before providing her considered response. ‘Eddy?’
‘Yep?’
‘Do you think you’ll ever get to leave the house?’
‘I w…went to the h…hospital remember.’
‘Yeah, I know but I don’t mean that silly. I mean like ‘leave’ leave. Where you go away, like on a holiday or something.’
‘Grandma Daisy, well she s…says we d..don’t have the money t..to go away. Sh…she says the g..govim…mint doesn’t give her enough money.’
‘But you can’t live your whole life upstairs.’
‘I j…just do what Grandma Daisy says…that’s all.’
‘Oh.’ Eddy could tell that Reagan wanted to say more but he was glad she chose not to. He didn’t like his own answers either but he could only tell her the way it was. Instead they both tucked away the rest of their snack and watched the distance between the bottom edge of the descending sun get closer and closer to the top edge of the houses. It was almost hypnotic and so again Eddy was caught unawares when Reagan decided to re-engage their conversation. This time though, down somewhat of a different track.
‘Richard Duggan asked me to kiss him today.’
Eddy knew what a kiss was, he wasn’t that dumb, but he had to grasp at the connotations of what a kiss actually meant. It was what people who liked each other did. At face value it seemed a pretty gross thing to do to someone you liked but now that he was forced to reconsider it…well, maybe it would be kind of ‘nice’. And that being the case, he didn’t know if he liked the idea of Richard Duggan doing that to Reagan. No, he didn’t care for it one bit.
‘Oh.’ That, however, seemed to be the extent of Eddy’s counter argument.
‘We were on the playing field, down by the trees. I was with Kathy and Samantha and he and Tommy Dawson just walked right on up to me…and he asked if he could kiss me.’
‘Wh…what did y…you do?’
‘I said ‘no’ of course.’ Eddy sighed a massive inward sigh of relief. ‘I wasn’t going to kiss him in front of everybody like that. That would be weird.’
‘Have y…you kissed anyone before?’
‘Not like boyfriend and girlfriend, if you mean. I kissed Billy Samuels at primary school once, but we were only seven so I don’t think that counts. And there’s Dad of course but that’s a Dad kiss, not a boyfriend kiss.’
Eddy nodded like he understood and watched as Reagan reviewed what she’d just told him. She didn’t talk all that much about her Dad these days and when she did it was always as though it hurt her a little bit to do so. Today was no exception.
‘I’ve n…never kissed anyone.’
‘Really?’ Then Reagan apparently reconsidered her response in light of Eddy’s unique circumstances. ‘Well you’re not missing much. In fact it’s overrated if you ask me.’
Eddy nodded again, taking Reagan’s word for it.
‘Eddy?’
‘Yep?’
‘Would you like to kiss me? Just to see what it’s like?’
Holey Moley! Yes! YES! YES!
‘D…does it hurt?’
Reagan laughed one of those now familiar laughs. The sort that made Eddy smile along too, even though he knew it was at his expense.
‘It doesn’t hurt silly. Not if you do it right. So what do ya say?’
The biggest, fattest yes in the whole wide world.
‘I d…don’t know.’
‘Go on scaredy cat. Ya gotta live don’t ya?’
‘I g…guess so.’
‘So you will?’
Trying to fit the word between massive, seismic heartbeats, Eddy looked Reagan nervously in the eye and said ‘yes’. As soon as it fell out of his mouth he found himself riding a wave of adrenalin that threatened to pull him under and drown him in a concoction of delightful anticipation and pure fear. It was both wonderful and terrifying.
Unable to do anything but follow Regan’s cue as best he could, he watched intently as she leaned toward him, a special glint in her eye. Leaning forward too, Eddy realised he’d never been this close to her face before. She’d been there and held him when he’d really needed her of course, but this was different. This was way, way different. He couldn’t help but notice that the nearer they came to touching the more intensely beautiful she became. If there was such thing as a perfect girl…she had to be it. She was a princess and, just maybe if they kissed, she’d be his princess. If that wasn’t a dream come true then nothing was.
At the very moment their lips touched, Eddy closed his eyes. He didn’t want to, he desperately wanted to see himself doing this marvellous thing but he couldn’t help himself. The sensation of such delicate lips gently touching his own was incredible. How could he possibly have considered such an act, gross. This…this amazing feeling that coursed through his body had to be ‘love’. It just had to be. It was so electric, so charged and so powerful he could have happily soaked it in for a year. He felt the current reach every capillary of his body and when he felt he could hold it no longer, it raced through the palm of his right hand and straight into Mr Tree.
And then it was over. Bam, just like that.
Eddy opened his eyes again and saw Reagan slowly pulling away from him, her face painted with the intensity of the moment.
‘So what did you think?’
I think that was better than every word for ‘good’ in the dictionary. I think that was better than the sunset. I think that was better even than Grandma Daisy telling me I could do anything I wanted…because then all I’d want to do is kiss you again.
Eddy didn’t come out and say these things of course. If he’d tried, the words would have tumbled and fumbled out of his mouth. So instead he took the safer route and said nothing at all. He let the captive expression on his face say it for him.
And Reagan laughed again. She laughed just like a princess.
45. BETTER THAN EVER
Eddy probably didn’t need Mr Tree to climb back into his bedroom. More than likely he would have floated on thin air.
Reagan had pretty much gone straight downstairs for her dinner and that left him with the opportunity to reminisce about his very first kiss. Had it really happened? Of course it had but the wonderful memory of it felt so surreal, like it had happened to somebody else. He kept thinking about how she’d leaned in to him. How Reagan had actually wanted him to kiss her. He remembered how incredibly soft her lips had been against his and how energised, how alive it had made him feel. For just a little while he was not the Stupid Boy that Grandma Daisy said he was…no, he was the boy that Reagan Crowe kissed. Not Richard Duggan. He was the boy who was beginning to understand what ‘love’ felt like. Maybe he still had a lot to learn but, from where he stood, it was a path worth treading.
But what he couldn’t understand was, if love felt this fantastic, why did Grandma Daisy choose to hate? If love was so fulfilling, why did his mother choose to leave him at the hospital.
It was all so confusing and irrational, but maybe that was what made it so magical too.
Eddy had every right to believe he was in for a sleepless night that night. He simply couldn’t stop ‘that kiss’ from replaying over and over in his head. But somewhere amidst the endless wind and rewind going on inside his head, his daydreams swapped places with night dreams. In fact, if he dreamed at all that night he had no recollection of them such was the blissful slumber that overtook him.
When he did finally stir the next morning it was only because of the morning sun streaking into the room. It played bright orange across the inside of his ey
elids so that he knew he’d have to shield them before he could take in the new day. Placing his left hand over both eyes (his right hand was still resting on Mr Tree), Eddy persuaded them to open and then gradually pulled his finger canopy away.
The first thing Eddy saw, the first thing that literally invaded his senses made him wonder whether he had died and gone to Heaven.
‘Reagan! Reagan! REAGAN!!!’
Where is she!?
Reagan came flying into her bedroom, toothbrush in her hand.
‘What’s the problem?’
‘Come h…here, quick.’
‘Eddy, it’s almost time for ……’
‘N…no time for school. Come quick. NOW!’
Reagan must have seen something in Eddy’s eyes, something that was more than a twelve year old boy’s games, because she tossed the toothbrush onto her bed and was out the window faster than ever before. Even that though was not quite fast enough for Eddy. He was standing at his window, ready to drag her in as soon as she got within grasp.
‘Hold on, hold on,’ said Reagan, worried that his sudden bout of excitement would send her flying to the ground below. ‘Move over so I can fit in.’
Ducking her head so she could squeeze through the window, Reagan planted her feet on the floor and stood tall to see what all the fuss was about.
‘What?……Oh, my God Eddy! It’s beautiful.’
And indeed it was.
Reagan stared with rapture around the room, unable to fully comprehend the glorious sight that blessed her. Every bit of Mr Tree, absolutely every square inch, was covered in such a miraculous outburst of pink and white blossoms that half of the room seemed to glow in their presence. They were the purest, most perfect flowers she had ever seen and if pressed to describe them as best as she possibly could, she would have said that God Himself had taken the mantel and crafted these with His very own hands.
‘How?’ It was all she could ask.
‘I d..don’t know. It just ha…happened.’
Both Eddy and Reagan simply stood there, mesmerised and soaking in what was too great a sight to reduce to words.
46. A GRANDMOTHER’S RESPONSE
Eddy knew Grandma Daisy was on her way up even before he heard the creaky stair. He was too wound up with Mr Tree, amazing Mr Tree, to recognise that he hadn’t carried that extent of awareness for weeks now. If he’d taken the time to think about it, he would have realised that much more than premonition had found a home within. Mr Tree wasn’t the only thing in this bedroom to blossom overnight. Mr Tree was well again and, because of that, Eddy’s gifts had come back like never before.
The bedroom door flew in like a storm but neither Eddy or Reagan so much as glanced sideways at it.
‘What’s all the noi…..’ And that was it. That was all Grandma Daisy could get out of her mouth before the staggering sight of Mr Tree overwhelmed her.
‘Isn’t it b…beautiful Grandma Daisy?’
Nothing. No response whatsoever.
Tell her again Eddy.
‘Grandma Daisy?’ Eddy reached over and gently touched her arm. She looked down at her grandson, an awestruck expression owning everything about her.
Trust us Eddy. It’s okay to tell her.
‘Grandma,’ said Eddy in a quiet, peaceful tone, a tone filled with assurance and flowing with unquenchable faith. ‘This is Grandpa’s tree and he loves you very much.’
Good boy Eddy.
Grandma Daisy seemed paralysed. She searched Eddy’s face, for what exactly he didn’t know, and then looked back at the brilliant garden of blossoms. She must have stood there like that for at least a minute and Eddy let her have all the time she needed, all the time in the world.
Reagan took a small step toward the window. Not that she was ready to leave at all, but to give Eddy and his Grandma some room to do whatever it was that was doubtlessly about to happen.
‘No.’ Grandma Daisy didn’t say it like she usually said that word. It was more like she was trying to answer a question of herself that she didn’t know how to ask. ‘No.’
‘It’s okay Grandma Daisy. Everything’s going to be okay.’
She stared back down at Eddy’s peaceful face and, for the first time in Eddy’s living memory, he watched patiently as a single tear cascaded from her face. Then something about her changed, something so fundamental it changed even the way she stood. Right before Eddy’s watchful eyes her stoic manner, her tightly wound muscles (even the ones below her eyes) appeared to soften, to relax and, Eddy knew, to forgive.
Another lonely tear slipped down her cheek and now some focus came back into her gaze. Not her old ‘I dare you to’ focus but something much gentler.
‘I’m sorry Eddy. I’m so sorry.’ Grandma Daisy buckled at the knees, landing heavily on the same carpet she had once littered with the torn remnants of Mr Tree. Her tears were coming thick and fast now and Eddy knelt down beside her, taking her hand in his and, instead of reaching this time, he pushed. From a well deep inside, he discovered a reservoir of light, white, white light and in his mind’s eye he took that light and funnelled it upwards, into his arm and through his hand.
‘Ssssh, just r… rest on me,’ he said softly. Grandma Daisy did exactly as he suggested, resting her weary head against his chest, never once taking her eyes off that most wondrous of trees. With his free hand, Eddy began to delicately stroke her hair as he felt her body begin to hitch and sob against him. ‘It’s okay Grandma. Y… You’ll see.’
‘What have I done?’
‘It was supposed to h…happen,’ reassured Eddy.
Grandma Daisy looked up at him, her face doused with guilt and self loathing. Eddy hated seeing that in her eyes. She didn’t deserve to beat herself up like this, he knew that now.
‘I don’t understand, Eddy’, she cried. ‘Please help me understand it.’
Eddy gestured at Mr Tree. ‘You, me, even my m..mother and Grandpa Nevil…it’s all a p… part of something so big we can’t see it from here. But Grandma, we’re all part of it. We’re all sown together like my quilt.’
‘The things that h… happen to us….it’s supposed to be that way. That’s how we l… learn. That’s how our spirit soars. I feel it Grandma. I feel it fly like the wind. It’s so beautiful.’
Eddy felt his own tears channel down his cheek and drip from his chin. Not sad tears, contented ones.
‘It’s okay Grandma. My mother, sh..she was only doing exactly w… what she was supposed to do. She didn’t understand that but, one day, you’ll both s… see how it fits together. I forgive you Grandma because I know it’s not easy for you too, in ways I still don’t understand…but one day I will. And you know what?’
Grandma Daisy just kept staring back up at him, her body completely limp as she surrendered to his words.
‘You are a special, special lady. Things weigh you down. It’s there even when you think it’s gone and there are days when it makes even sunny days c…cold. But here’s what I say. Mr Tree, he believes you will be j…just fine. He sees our strength in p..places we’re too scared to look and then He helps us find those places. You are loved Grandma. You are loved n…now, you will always be loved and you always have b…been loved.’
‘I am a l…lucky boy and I needed you for that. Without you I would not have this.’ Eddy nodded around his little bedroom. The only piece of the world he really knew. He nodded at Mr Tree, who was so much more than a piece of nature. It had become his doorway into a higher realm of being. He nodded at Reagan, his friend, his confidant, his key to that doorway, unlocking the energy that sang in everyone’s soul. ‘Today I am the l…luckiest person in the world.’
‘Do you hear him Eddy? Do you hear Grandpa?’ asked Grandma Daisy.
‘He sees you Grandma. He s…sees you every day. He sees the l…lady he m…married. He s…sees the dreams you both made together…the ones that came true and the ones still waiting for another t…time and another place. He’s waiting Grandma and when the t…time is right
he will be there. He’ll hold your hand and he’ll walk you the rest of the way. I promise…and so does he.’
2004
47. ANOTHER TWO YEARS ON
Grandma Daisy was never the same Grandma Daisy after that fateful morning in Eddy’s bedroom. Admittedly the change did happen over the course of time but the foundations of her personality had shifted and, as hard as the odd bad day tried, she refused to go back.
She could still express frustration, dissatisfaction and all the other emotions that come along for the ride but they were fleeting and tied to the moment as opposed to setting the platform from which she performed. And, as a consequence, the vibration in the house altered from night to day. Eddy felt it in the air around him. The fog of fear and frightened expectation had vaporised and his lungs could suck in the freshness of life again. It was a wonderful feeling.
Eddy also understood what drove his Grandma Daisy’s monumental shift in outlook too. She was coming to understand something bigger than herself but absolutely tied to her at the same time. She had a place to go in this fantastic journey now. Not just to see Grandpa Nevil again one day but the journey here and now, in this life. By no means would it, could it ever be an overnight epiphany but there was a purpose to all her suffering and pain and, with a little help from the right places, she could turn the humdrum of daily life into a great and inspiring adventure. Just finding that a purpose existed, and knowing that her search had been placed back on track in the most unlikely way, had managed to take her existence to a whole new level. And, as far as Eddy could tell, she appreciated that renewed lease on life more with every new day.
