“I would do it again in a heartbeat,” he said and swallowed at the lump that was lodged in his throat. He saw her waiver and avert her eyes, “You’ll get through this, I promise you.”
“I know, it’s just easier said than done,” she said fidgeting with her hands.
He reached for her hands and clasped them in his, “You’ve made it this far Lucy, you can fight this.”
“I guess,” she said and sighed. “I’m just sorry how things…”
“Leave it, it’s water under a bridge, and I told you, you were right, I don’t fit into this life.”
“You’re right,” she said and nodded.
And just like that the insecure and scared girl was gone, and in its place stood a determined woman. A woman he could quite easily spend the rest of his life with. But a reality check into his career and his life, kept his feet soundly grounded.
“Chris said he would come down once you start your therapy, but if he can’t, please give me a call,” he said again, he wanted to pull her into his arms so much it hurt, but a pair of little hands was tugging on his jeans.
“Soldier,” he said as he stepped away from Lucy, “remember what I told you. Use the glove as a shield to fight off those monsters, yeah?”
“I will Uncle Joe, they won’t bug me again!”
Joe chuckled and ruffled Jacob’s hair and then stood up again. When he met her gaze he saw tears pooling in her eyes, “If you need anything, if Jacob needs anything, you have my number,” he said, his fingers itching to pull her into his arms.
“No, I’ll be fine, I’m just a hormonal mess, that’s all,” she said and put on a brave smile.
“The offer stands,” he said and then turned to get into the rental car.
As he drove off, he looked back in his rearview mirror and a sudden sense of Deja vu shook him to the core. It was as if history was repeating itself and again he was leaving the only girl who ever made him feel complete behind, but this time he was also leaving a little boy, his own flesh and blood, whom he had grown to love. Until now he never considered a family life, or having children. He blinked his eyes rapidly a few times and then turned his attention back on the road.
***
A few days later…
“How’s Jacob doing?” Joe asked on the other end of the receiver.
“He’s doing fine. He’s been asking about you,” Lucy said as she twirled the chord around her index finger.
“Look I have to go,” Joe said, and she could hear the commotion in the background, “Tell Jacob I said hi okay?”
“Sure, will. Keep in touch.”
He didn’t say bye he just hung up and her heart broke all over again. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, her long locks nothing but a faded memory. She had lost all her hair, and she looked even worse than she did when she was first diagnosed. The chemotherapy was like the devil with his pitchfork, poking at her and punishing her for her many sins. And as long as she thought of this as her penance, she would do it gladly.
“Was that Joe?” Chris asked as he helped her up from the sofa.
“Yeah, sounded like he was at a game.”
“Bastard,” Chris mumbled under his breath as he walked her to her room, “I really thought he was better than this.”
“You can’t blame him, and may I add, I told you so,” she said and laughed softly.
Chapter 13
Joe stood to the left of the home plate, bat in hand and ready, his eyes pinned on McGregor.
“Slugger, I got to go,” Joe said as he stood with his bat.
“Don’t hurry on my account,” Slugger said as he sat on his haunches behind the plate.
“It’s been a pleasure, but I’m going to have to move on.”
“McGregor’s gonna get you this time.”
“Not in a million years,” Joe said.
As the pitcher launched the ball at him, as expected it was a curveball, but Joe’s accuracy was impeccable, he hit a fly ball at deep center field, another home run. The deafening outburst of cheers shook the stadium as Joe jogged his way around the bases. But for the first time in his career he didn’t feel even close as excited as he usually did. It was as if the game itself no longer had the appeal it had before. His life was suddenly dull, and without cause. Right now he just wanted to get this game over and done with.
When the game finally came to an end, and the team all gathered to head out to the local bar, Joe opted to head on home.
“You leavin already?” his teammate Johnson asked.
“Yeah, I’m gonna head on home, I’m bushed,” he said dragging his hands through his spiked hair.
“You’re blue man!”
“Maybe, anyway, good game.”
He patted Johnson on the back, slung his bag over his shoulder and headed out. He didn’t feel like company at all, he just wanted to get home and wallow in whatever pity it was that consumed him.
On his way out, he passed a few spectators who were eager to get his autograph so he stopped and signed a few. But when a little boy with black hair and brown eyes stood in front of him he sucked in a breath. The kid looked so much like Jacob that Joe had to take a second look. He was slowly losing his mind.
Every day he wakes up half expecting to have Jacob launch himself onto his bed, and every day he didn’t get to see him he fell more and more into a deep dark hole. Not only did he miss Jacob, he missed Lucy. Regardless of the fact that she felt the need to keep the truth from him for so many years, he knew she only did it because of his callous pretense about kids all those years ago.
It was slowly starting to become very apparent that he needed them both in his life, but at what cost? Was this simply his guilt causing him to feel that he needed to be there with them, supporting them? Or was this it, that moment in life when you realize that you’ve missed the plot all along, and the people that should have mattered most, were the ones you left behind.
He cracked open a Red Bull and flopped down on his sofa, flicking aimlessly through the channels. Eventually he got over it and picked up his phone and scrolled down his contact list. Darla. That’s it; he needed some good old fashion sex to distract him.
“Hey baby,” she cooed huskily on the other end.
“Hey sexy,” he responded and smirked, “Want to head on over to my place?”
“You’re not at the bar?”
“Nope, didn’t feel like it.”
“Be there in ten.”
He had this nagging feeling that he was making a mistake, but he chose to ignore it, and by the time Darla arrived he was ready as ever to numb his mind and his emotions. She flew into his house like devastating whirlwind, and with the door barely closed behind her she pinned him down on the sofa and started to tug at his shirt.
“I have twenty minutes before I have to go, so make it quick.”
What the fuck, he thought as she pulled his shirt off and dragged her long dragon nails over his chest. A few weeks ago, this was exactly what got him going, but now it seemed so superfluous. She was not like Lucy at all, in fact none of the women that ever trampled through this door could be compared to her and suddenly he no longer wanted to go through with it.
He shoved her aside and got up, reached for his shirt and pulled it back on.
“I have to go,” he said blankly and opened the door.
“I can stay longer if that’s what you want, I didn’t mean that I had to go in twenty minutes exactly,” Darla said as she rubbed herself up against him. He took her wrist and tore her from him.
“I’m sorry Darla, I just remembered I had to be somewhere, I’ll give you a call tomorrow okay?”
She sighed and reached for her purse, “Oh well, you have my number.”
She leaned in the kiss him but he turned his cheek instead. I felt sick, how could he even have considered this crap in the first place. As he closed the door behind Darla, he cursed and punched it. He wanted to be with Lucy and Jacob, more than he wanted baseball and one night stands.
Lucy gave herself a once over. It had been several months since she had undergone chemotherapy and her hair was finally starting to take on some form of shape and the usual ashen color of her skin was starting to look rosier. Cancer was finally nothing but a nightmare that got tossed in a furnace, and she could once again look forward to living a long life.
The festive season had started, and families were gathering all over Erie, setting up giant Christmas trees and decorating their houses with lights. Every evening, and as part of her healthy regime, along with Jacob, they would walk the streets and admire the amazing light displays. The streets were crowded with excited children while every single store played Boney M and their festive collection of Christmas songs. The buzz in the town was palpable and contagious. The year before she never made a fuss about Christmas, she could hardly afford a turkey much less a present. If it wasn’t for Chris and his wife, Jacob would never have had a Christmas, but this year would be different. She had no debt, and she had picked up a second job doing blogs on company websites. Every extra penny earned from that went straight into her pocket. She would never be able to repay Joe for his kindness, and could only hope he would one day find happiness. They had kept in touch often enough shortly after he returned to California, but as the weeks turned into months they had less contact, until eventually all she could do was watch him play games on television. Jacob however asked about him every day and he hardly ever let that baseball glove out of his sight. But even though he haunted her every waking hour, she knew that this was all for the best.
“You ready?” she asked Jacob as he came tramping down the hallway with his gumboots.
“Yep!” he exclaimed and tugged his beanie over his head.
Lucy went down on her haunches and tugged his jumper tightly over his shoulders, “You need to be warm and cozy, and I don’t want you getting all sorts of nunu-bugs just before Christmas.” She pinched his cheeks and smiled before kissing his nose.
“Wait,” he said and pulled out of her arms, “my glove, I need to get my glove.”
“It’s just a short walk Jacob, we’ll be home in no time,” she protested.
“No, I have to keep it. It keeps the baddies away,” he insisted and ran back to his room.
In no time he reappeared and handed his glove to her. She smiled at her little man and shoved his favorite glove into his backpack.
“Right, so off we go, now that you have your glove we can go past Uncle Chris’ house too.”
After a few months in the big city, Chris and his wife eventually decided to move back to Erie, not only to be closer to Lucy and Jacob, but they just didn’t like the congestion and the long commutes. Somehow having them here, made everything seem less daunting.
Lucy spent the late afternoon with her son, admiring the extravagant light displays on some of the houses in the suburbs; her experience with cancer had given her an open outlook. She appreciated life in its fullest now. Having realized life is too precious to waste time on holding grudges, she was in a better place now.
They finally got to Chris’ house and Jacob rushed up the stairs to ring the bell. But just as he got to the door, it opened, and Joe stood there with a big smile on his face.
“Uncle Joe!” Jacob cried out and jumped up into his arms.
Lucy’s heart drummed so loudly in her chest that she could have sworn that it could be heard a few blocks away. She pressed her hand to her chest and bit her lip trying to calm herself down.
“This is a surprise,” she managed to say.
“Well it’s nearly Christmas, I figured I should spend it with my friends.”
Her heart fell into the pit of her stomach, he wasn’t here for her, she realized and her hopes were scattered to the four corners of the earth, but she managed to console herself that he at least considered Jacob. She entered the house, squeezing past him and even through her jumper she could feel his heat seep into her skin. Suddenly the bright lights of Christmas felt dim and colorless, and the festive mood she felt earlier was replaced with sorrow. She plastered a smile on her face and entered the house to find Chris, he must have known that Joe was going to be here, and if he did and failed to tell her then she was going to have a few words with him.
“Lucy!” Chris called out and hugged her tight, “So Joe decided to grace us all with his presence isn’t that an epic surprise?”
“Indeed,” she said with a tight lipped smile.
“So come on in, we have some cookies for the cookie monster in the kitchen.”
With Joe behind her carrying Jacob, she felt as if she was being herded into a slaughtering house and the only thing to be cut up in pieces was her heart.
The evening turned out rather pleasant, and soon Lucy was also enjoying the vibe and joining in on the fun. Much later that evening Jacob had fallen asleep and Chris offered to let him sleep in the spare bedroom.
“Why don’t you also crash here Luce?” Chris offered when Lucy yawned.
“No, it’s fine; it’s not too far to my place, but if Jacob can sleep over that will be great.”
She couldn’t sleep in the same house as Jacob, not in her current state of mind. The evening, although pleasant and joyful, went by with her and Joe barely speaking a word. He had spent most of his time with Jacob on his lap. It felt like they were two strangers thrown into an elevator that got stuck and had no choice but to communicate civilly. So sure, there was no animosity between them, but that friendship they rekindled when Joe came to help her when she was ill wasn’t quite there anymore.
“I’ll walk you home,” Joe said and stood up at the same time Lucy stood.
“No-I mean no, that’s fine, it’s really not that far, you stay here and enjoy the rest of the evening.”
Chris looked at her, and his wife Amber tugged him on the sleeve, “Don’t you want to bring me the cups?”
Lucy rolled her eyes mentally, and watched as Chris and Amber headed to the kitchen.
“Lucy it’s just a walk home, and I’m not going to take no for an answer,” Joe said and reached for her jumper.
“Fine,” she mumbled and allowed him to help her into her coat.
They headed outside and for a while they walked in utter silence. It was Joe who spoke first.
“I see Jacob missed me,” he said with a smile tugging his lips.
“Oh, he talks about you every day. And heaven forbid he doesn’t have your glove in his backpack, then all hell breaks loose,” she said and laughed softly, tucking her hands deeper into her pockets.
“At least is its being put to good use.”
Another stretch of silence passed between them as they made their way down the dimly lit street towards her apartment. Her thoughts were scattered like the stars in the sky, and the closer they got to her place, the more aware she became of his presence. The slow flutter of a million butterflies being released into nature started to tip her stomach upside down. His closeness stirred up emotions she had tried so hard to bury for so long, and now all she could think of was the sudden urge to kiss him.
They reached her apartment and her feet felt like lead as she ascended the few stairs to the door; he wasn’t following her. He stood right there on the sidewalk with his hands tucked into his jacket.
“Thank you for walking me,” she said as she turned around.
“Sure, no problem at all, I’ll bring Jacob around in the morning.”
She turned to push the door open, and then spun around, “Would you like to come in for some coffee?” she asked spontaneously.
He dragged his hand through his hair and smiled, “Sure, why not.”
She had barely closed her door behind them when Joe reached for her and tugged her against him. Her eyes locked on his parted lips and his breath assaulted her senses, it was a mixture of wine and lemon meringue. Before she could utter a word he pressed his lips against hers, wanting, searching, exploring. His tongue grazed hers and was it not for his one arm wound around her waist; she would
have collapsed into a pathetic hot mess. His kiss consumed her and as if that was not enough, his one free hand palmed her breast, the only one she had left after the mastectomy. She froze and immediately tried to break free, but he kept her prisoner in his embrace.
“Lucy…” he whispered in a hoarse voice, “Don’t push me away again.”
“I’m not… I can’t…” but her words were all muddled up, her body had hijacked her mind and she couldn’t string one single sentence together.
“I don’t care what you look like, you’re perfect,” he whispered as he ran his lips along the side of her face, slowly tilting her back until he sucked the skin just below her ear, “Just let me.”
“Joe…” she whispered but the way lips roamed over her heated skin rendered her speechless.
This time when he lifted her into his arms and wound her legs around his waist, she didn’t protest, she captured his lips and kissed him as if the end of the world was upon them. She wanted to touch him, wanted to feel him and at all costs she was going to let herself go and just let him.
He walked her through to her bedroom and with one knee on the end of the bed, he gently lowered her down, and as she met his gaze a smile spread across his lips. The look in his eyes was one of adoration, and it melted away all her resistance.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as he helped her out of her jumper, and although she was terrified of being exposed completely she allowed him to undress her.
“If you say so,” she whispered softly as she reached for his shirt after he shrugged off his own coat.
Her fingers were trembling so much, she feared that she’d never be able to undress him but she managed, and as he stood before her she could hardly breathe. He was a lot more muscular than she remembered, toned like a true sportsman with abs that mapped his stomach like the interstate that led straight to the airport. He chuckled and she realized that she was staring at him and instantly she felt a blush spread across her cheeks.
He slowly moved over her and kissed the hollow of her throat, then dragged his lips across her chest sucking the one and only taut tip into his mouth. An audible moan escaped her and she dragged her foot up the back of his leg, desperate for more. He didn’t make her wait, and as he slowly scooted up until he was nestled between her legs, she let out a soft sigh.
Cowboy's Barmaid: A Small Town Military Romance (Lucky Flats Ranchers Book 2) Page 50
