Yep, this is going to really hurt.
My heart is racing as he bellows out the lyrics. I'm falling harder, and it's terrifying. I'm completely overwhelmed by him.
After the show, we head to a local club.
Dad's been to enough after-parties to know that the later you stay, the better they get, but he, Jimmy, and Will still move on elsewhere most of the time. He trusts me, and more importantly, he trusts Ted, who would never leave me, no matter how much I beg him to.
Will is the first one to leave because he's made a female friend for the night. Jimmy has spent most of his time texting Saskia, so he and Dad head out to a quieter venue where they can talk about things old people talk about to other older celebrities.
Kitt throws his arm over my shoulder as we watch my dad leave. "Now, you can play properly," he whispers in my ear.
His breath tickles my neck and makes me shudder. His eyes are flirtatious and alluring, drawing me in and making me hot with desire.
I think my ovaries just imploded.
"Hmm, how does one do that then?" I ask, putting on a posh accent.
"Well, darling, one simply gets fucked up," he replies.
"All right." I turn to him, laugh, and link my arm in his. "Fuck me up real good, Daniels." Double meaning there.
I try to keep a straight face, but his sharp intake of breath drives me wild.
He leans even closer, and his lips brush my ear.
Oh God.
"Be careful with your choice of words, or you could get something you've not bargained for."
That would be nice.
"Oh, really?" I say, tilting my head the way Peyton's character does when she's being sexy. Bet I look like a tit doing it.
This is a dangerous game I'm playing. He doesn't know it, and I don't want him to, but he holds all the power. I want him. It's his choice if anything happens between us. It's my heart that has the potential to be crushed.
I can't take this too far.
Self-preservation mode: On.
Back out of this.
"Are you buying me a drink or not?" I ask, moving over so that he's not almost on top of me.
No more flirting. It won't end well.
He'll probably be shagging someone else in a matter of hours. My heart aches at the thought of him leaving with another woman. I've seen it so many times before, and it never gets easier. When he touches them, kisses them, tells them how pretty they are, I want to die--or rip their fingernails from the beds.
He stands straighter and nods. "Let's find Milo and Coop and do some shots."
Taking my hand in an innocent gesture, Kitt leads me through the VIP area where we look for the two amigos on the prowl. My hand feels so right in his. Everywhere he touches me, even accidentally, comes alive.
I hate how much I want him, and I hate that I can't stop it. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much it hurts me, I can't stop him from being my heart.
I love him.
I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back.
"Texas!" Cooper shouts across the room.
The music is loud, but everyone still heard him. He bounds over and picks me up in a bear hug.
"Oh my God," I squeak as his arms crush my chest. "Put me down, pisshead!"
"Dance with me," he says, carrying me toward the dance floor.
I don't have a choice. Laughing, I slap his back and give Kitt a wave. Looks like I'm dancing with Coop for a bit.
Cooper puts me down and tugs me against his chest. I wrap my arms around his neck as we move to "Bang Bang." He's a good dancer, and when he's wasted like this, he's even better.
Over Cooper's shoulder, I notice Kitt at the bar with a girl. Seeing him lean in and smile at her is like swallowing fire.
Don't look.
I focus on Coop and the music.
You knew this was going to happen. It isn't a surprise. This is what you two do.
I'm getting pretty sick of what we do.
I want to stop loving Kitt.
I will make myself stop loving him--right after I get off-my-face drunk.
Rubbing the ache in my chest, I say, "Coop, let's do shots until we can't walk."
He pulls back and stretches his arms up. "Texas Knight, I love you!"
Even though my heart feels like Kitt is taking frequent stabs at it, I still laugh. I can ignore him and his conquest for tonight. I can have fun with a guy who doesn't hurt me.
"Please just get me drunk. Right now."
Coop grabs my hand and pulls me to the bar. Thankfully, he doesn't spot Kitt, and we end up in a space farther down. I don't want to make small talk with them.
I want to pretend he doesn't exist.
"We'll take ten shots of tequila, please," Cooper says to the stunning girl behind the bar. He speaks to her chest, but she doesn't seem to care.
"Ten? I want to be drunk, not dead."
He gives me a lopsided smile. "I know. That's why I'm only allowing three for you. It's all you need, little lightweight."
"Great. I'm carrying your arse home..."
"Kitt will do that. Looks like he'll be spending most of his night shagging than drinking."
More frequent stabs. I force myself to smile, and it takes great effort.
You need to find a way to stop this shit. It's getting out of hand.
But how?
KITT
FRIDAY, MAY 8
PARIS, FRANCE
The blonde has been all over me, like a fucking rash. She's one of the more enthusiastic ones, and I know she will do anything to please me. It turns me on. I love it when a beautiful woman's only goal is to make me come. Who wouldn't?
Since Texas went to dance with Coop, he's been her favourite. I know I'm being a dickhead, and this is my fault, but we have to try not to slip up. This is the best way I can think of to do that.
We're now in the car, and Ted is driving us back to the hotel. Texas is in front of me with Cooper, and the blonde and I are in the back row. Her hand is cupping my dick through my jeans as she kisses my neck.
Tex hasn't moved since we got in the car, not even an inch.
She reminds me of when I was about five, and I'd see boys playing football with their dads at the park. I'd get so upset that I didn't have my dad that I'd freeze, thinking it would somehow reverse time. It was like, if I sat so still and concentrated so hard, then he'd walk up to me with a ball under his arm. It was stupid.
I didn't do it much after I'd told my grandparents why I was a statue. They realised I was at an age where I understood the loss of my mum and dad more, and they helped me come to terms with it. And that weekend, my nan packed up a picnic, and we all spent the day at the park, playing football and eating cake.
Is Texas a statue because she's hoping it'll stop this from being real?
No, of course not. You are reading way too much into this. She's probably asleep.
The blonde--fuck, I wish I'd listened when she told me her name--is trailing kisses along my jaw, and I start to get rock solid.
Because you're looking at Texas. This is wrong, you sick fuck.
We arrive at the hotel, and Ted ushers us inside. There's no one about at this hour, and since we went straight from yesterday's hotel to the arena to the after-party, no one knows this is where we're staying.
"Coop, you're walking Tex back, right?" I say as we approach my suite on the eleventh floor.
My room is near the lift while Texas's room must be farther on. The guys are somewhere in between.
"I can make it," she says with sarcasm.
There's a tightness to her voice that doesn't suit her. She looks like an angel, and her mouth sometimes forgets it.
"I got it, man," Coop replies, picking Tex up and throwing her over his shoulder.
She immediately starts shouting and thumping his back, but that wouldn't bother Coop.
He's probably turned on by it. My eye twitches.
"Come on, baby," the blonde coos, rubbing me through my jeans.<
br />
I get more turned on when Tex looks at me. We're in the middle of the corridor, but that doesn't seem to bother her. And I couldn't care less about anything right now because I'm pissed off.
Why am I so fucking obsessed with Texas Knight?
Forget her, and lose yourself in this girl. There are no consequences if you shag her. No one cares. Except you.
I slot the card in the door, and it clicks open.
"Night," Ted mutters, laughing, as he follows Cooper to Tex's room.
Pushing the girl into my room, I give Ted the middle finger over my shoulder. As soon as the door is shut, she yanks at my jeans, as if she's strong enough to rip through the material. I have a spike-studded belt on. Ain't gonna happen, love.
Gripping the tops of her arms, I remove her from me and smirk. "I'm all for you ravaging me, but let's get down to the good stuff first. Clothes off."
Just do it. You'll feel much better after.
No, you won't.
You're hurting Texas.
Fuck.
I rear back, and the blonde looks confused.
I can't do this when I'm hurting the girl I care about. "Sorry, you need to go."
"What?"
"You heard me. I can't do this right now. I'm sorry. Do you need me to call you a taxi?"
She scoffs and wrenches my door open. "You're a fool."
Don't I fucking know it?
I wince as she slams my door so hard that the painting on the wall almost drops. I turn and jam my fist into the wall. Thankfully, I don't put a hole in it.
What the fuck? I should go to Tex's room right now and tell her to stop whatever she's fucking doing to me.
But that'll make things worse because then she'll know I can't stop thinking about her.
So, I opt for whiskey. Lots and lots of whiskey.
SATURDAY, MAY 9
PARIS, FRANCE
In the morning, I head to Cooper's suite because he's ordered everything on the room service menu, and I'm starving. Milo and Texas are already here. I still feel like absolute shit, and I've had a few hours of sleep.
My head is banging so I head straight for water and to find something to kick this headache.
"Morning," Texas says loudly. She smiles, like she knows I'm suffering.
Wincing, I hold my hand up. "Shh."
"What's wrong?" Her voice is no quieter than before.
She's enjoying this, and she should. I'm an arsehole.
"Tex, please. I think I drank too much."
I definitely drank too much.
"Your after-the-after-party activities probably didn't help either." Her voice is full of accusation, and although she's being nicer than I deserve, her eyes are cold and distant.
"No, but that was a lot more fun than drinking."
Don't tell her that. Tell her you sent the girl packing.
"Whatever," she mutters. She turns away, grabbing her coffee.
I swallow regret.
"Can you break your dick?" Coop asks.
All eyes are suddenly on him.
I look to Milo and Texas, but neither looks like they're even going to attempt this one.
"I'm sorry. Can you, what?" I ask.
"Your dick. Can you break it?"
"Are you asking me to?"
"No, tosspot. This girl was rough the other night, and I'm a fan of rough, but fuck knows what she did. It doesn't feel right."
"Oh my God!" Texas snaps. "We're eating here, Coop! If your little slut broke you, go to a doctor. Or better still, why don't you all show some fucking restraint? You don't have to sleep with everything!" She slams her coffee cup down and storms out.
We all jump as the door bangs shut.
"What just happened?" Milo asks.
I happened.
"Er, I don't know, but I nominate Kitt to go find out," Coop says.
"Seconded," Milo adds. "Good luck, Kitt."
"Why me?"
Milo folds his arms over his chest, making it clear that he's not going anywhere. "Because you two are closer." He gives me a pointed look. "She talks to you more."
I give him the middle finger. "I'm not handling an emotional woman before coffee and food."
He gestures to the food laid out on the trolleys. "Then, get to eating."
After consuming bacon rolls, pastries, and cereal, I suddenly find myself in front of Tex's suite. I knew I couldn't put it off forever, but I did eat very slowly.
I raise my hand and knock on her door. I can perform to thousands of people with barely a care in the world, but one girl has me nervous as hell.
In the two years I've known her, our friendship has been easy. Now, I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. Blindfolded.
She opens the door and bites the inside of her cheek. Her eyes look slightly to my side, like she can't quite meet my eyes.
"Hi," I say.
"Hi."
"Can I come in, Tex?"
She doesn't say anything, but she takes a step to the side. I'm not sure if I want to have this conversation or not. Today should be epic. We should all be on a high, and this is doing nothing but bringing me down.
"Are you okay?" I ask when she closes the door behind us.
"Yeah." She sighs. "I'm sorry about before."
"What was that?"
"Um, I don't really know."
I give her a look. "Don't lie to me, Texas."
I step closer, and her eyes widen. She looks like she wants to run. I'm not going to give her the opportunity to run from me. She backs up until she's pressed against the door. There's nowhere else for her to go.
"I'm not," she whispers.
"You did it again. Don't. Fucking. Lie."
Why the hell does her honesty mean so much to you? People lie about shit all the time.
"I think you should go," she says, straightening her back.
I'm so close to her now that I can feel her rapid breath. She's just inches away. Her body trembles, as if she's afraid, but I know that she's not.
"I'm not leaving." Why am I not leaving? Why can't I just leave? "I don't like it when things are like this, so let's move past it. I'm tired of this shit."
"Fuck you," she whispers.
"Fuck me?" I lift my eyebrow. "Is that the problem, Tex?"
I push my body against hers, and her mouth opens.
I groan, and she closes her eyes.
"Kitt, you can't. What are you doing?"
Good question. It's one I don't have an answer to because I usually know exactly what I want and what I need to do to get it. With her, I don't have a clue. I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, or what I want. She makes my fucking brain short-circuit. She takes away all logic and reason, and all that's left is what my goddamn body wants.
I step closer, and her body is flush with mine. She feels like heaven.
Her eyes flutter open, and she breathes long and deep, like she's trying to control herself. I clench my fists and grit my teeth so hard that they almost crack.
If I sleep with her, there's no going back, not even if it'll help with all this sexual tension. The guilt will still be there. I'll still know I betrayed Mark even if he never finds out.
"What's wrong? Finding it difficult to admit to yourself that you want me to fuck you?"
Her expression falls, and she looks devastated.
Fuck. I've hurt her. Again.
She sucks in a breath, and her eyes fill with tears.
I step back, like I've been shocked, and I shake my head. "I shouldn't have...I'm sorry, Tex. I didn't mean that. Shit, I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know why we do this."
It's more than that. We could never just shag.
"You should leave." Her voice is low and thick with emotion that she won't allow herself to embrace in front of me.
I should leave, but I don't want to because I know she's going to cry as soon as I do.
"No." I feel desperate. Everything inside me is screaming for me to fix this, to find some way of taking it back
. "I can't leave it like this."
"Fine. I forgive you. Now, please leave me alone."
That sounds more permanent than I can give her. A few hours, I can do, but she sounds like she wants me out of her life. Not only is that impossible in our current situation, but I'm not willing to even try. My life without her isn't a life I want.
I rub my forehead. "What is happening? What are you doing to me?"
Using my moment of confusion against me, she slips around me, and now, there's a lot of distance between us.
She's stronger. Her back is straight, her head held high. "I'm not doing anything. I had a moment back there, and I apologised for it. Let's blame estrogen."
"I don't want to blame something that isn't at fault."
"Then, blame me or yourself. Whatever, Kitt. I don't really care anymore."
"Yes, you do!" I explode, shocking myself. "Oh my God, you're frustrating." Gripping my hair, I take deep breaths and pace. I don't know if I want to kiss her or kill her.
"You need to leave."
"You need to stop lying to me!"
"Why? It doesn't matter. I don't have to tell you every little fucking detail. You don't need to know everything about me."
"Yes, I fucking do!" I snap.
What? No, you don't. Friends can keep secrets. You don't need to know everything.
Yes, you do.
Fuck.
"I don't know what you want from me," she says.
"Neither do I," I whisper.
Inside, I'm raging with myself. I hate not knowing what's going on in my own head. I hate how much she can get to me. It shouldn't be possible. Right now, I have everything going for me, and here I am, allowing a girl to get so deep inside my head that I don't have the first idea how to get her out--or if I even want to.
I feel like smashing something, then grabbing her, and burying myself so deep inside her that I'll forget everything.
"Okay. Then, can we leave this? I would really like for us to go back to normal now," she says.
"Until you ran out a few minutes ago, I wasn't aware that we weren't." I'm lying now.
She folds her arms. "Really, Kitt? When I'm telling you I want things to be okay between us, you come back with that?"
"Sorry." I hold my hands up. "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know why I'm being a dick."
"Have you eaten?"
"Yes," I reply.
"Then, I don't know why either."
Lie.
We both know. Deep down, we both fucking know.
"I know that I need some space though..." She lifts her eyebrow and looks at the door, giving me my cue.
Leaving feels wrong even though I've done a bang-up job of screwing this up.
With the Band Page 10
