"No promises, Coop. I don't know what I want yet."
Sitting back, he tilts his head to the side and gives me a look that I know means he doesn't believe me.
Okay, so you obviously do know what you want. Kitt.
But I don't know if I can go through this again.
Screw you, fear.
Just go and see him, and you'll know how you feel.
Turning, I head out the door. The car park is private, so we'll be alone. Plus, Kitt's black Range Rover has tinted glass. He looks like a bloody drug dealer but a private one. As I approach, the door opens. Kitt must have seen me coming.
My heart starts to do somersaults.
"Hi," I say, jumping up and sliding onto the seat. I slam the door shut and bite my lip.
Oh my God, he looks incredible, and he smells edible. Being so close to him is the most beautiful kind of torture.
With a charming smile, he murmurs, "I was about to say that."
I bite harder. I want to reach over. All I have to do is crawl onto his lap, and everything will disappear. There will be no pain, no wanting, no fear. He has the power to make everything better. But, more importantly, I think, he has the power to cut out my already weeping heart.
We lapse into a somewhat awkward silence that radiates off every surface. I don't know if he wants to kiss me or run. I don't know what I want to do either.
Kitt groans. "I hate this. I don't know what to do, Tex. Can you tell me what to do here?"
"I don't have all the answers. I wish I did."
Most of the time, I feel like I don't have any of the answers. And that's because I don't. The biggest decision I had to make until Kitt was whether I should have streaks of red put through my hair or not. I went for not.
I might do that soon.
Thumping his head against the headrest, he sighs. "Then, can we skip to the part where we're together again?"
"Come on, you know we can't do that."
Closing his eyes, he looks down, his fists clenched by his sides. "This is awful, Tex. For both of us. Fucking hell, just let me back in. I don't understand why you're doing this. There's nothing we can't sort out, but you're acting like this is irreparable. I don't get it."
"No, you don't! That's exactly why I can't pretend like the last few weeks haven't happened."
"Well, you're not telling me! How am I supposed to get on the same page if I don't even know what fucking book you're reading from?"
"I don't know, okay? I don't know," I snap. "See? This is why we don't work, why we will never work."
He sucks in a breath that makes my heart drop. His eyes are full of pain. Tears well at the sides, and I want to die.
What have you done?
"Kitt...I..."
"You should go," he says breathlessly, gripping the door handle for dear life. "I need you to go."
I don't want to go. I want to take my words back, but I can't. They're out there now, and nothing will change that. Nothing will change that look on his face when I broke his heart.
"Please, Kitt, I didn't mean..." I wipe a tear from my face and shuffle closer.
I want to touch him, but he's breathing heavily and staring straight forward. I'm scared that if I reach out, I'll break him.
"If you feel anything for me, Texas, please do what I asked. I need you to leave," he whispers. His voice is low and rough.
Usually, I love that, but right now, it's laced with pain. He's hanging on by a thread.
Without looking, I reach for the door handle. I hate myself. Shoving the door open, I get out, slam it shut, and sprint for my car, holding my stomach so that I don't come apart. I can't even go back inside and tell Coop I'm taking off.
My knees buckle under the weight of guilt and heartache, and I fall against the door of Jennifer's spare car. "No," I cry, feeling like my legs are made of lead.
"Texas?"
Cooper is by my side in an instant, holding me up. "Damn it, what happened?"
I grip his arms, pulling him closer, and I cry. I can't hold it in. I can't be strong anymore. I sob and bury my head in his chest. "It hurts, Cooper. It hurts so much that I think I'm dying."
He holds me tight and kisses the top of my head. "No, you're not. It's going to be okay. What did he say?"
I shake my head. "It was me. I hurt him, and--oh my God, what did I do? I can't stand it, Cooper." My chest shakes, and I feel so, so heavy.
"Shh, it's not your fault. Maybe this was a bad idea. We shouldn't have sprung it on you."
"I told him that we'd never work."
Coop rubs my back. "Do you mean that?"
I pull back and take stuttered breaths.
Just keep breathing. In and out. Just get yourself home, and it'll be fine. Hold it together a little longer.
How could I have let things get so out of hand?
"Tex?" he says, frowning.
Cooper raises me up on my wobbly legs. He keeps his arms extended in case I fall again, but I won't let myself.
"I need to go, Coop," I sob, shaking my head and holding my stomach tight.
All you have to do is get in the car and drive home. You can drive. You're fine. You're fine.
And maybe if I tell myself I'm okay often enough, I'll believe it.
That's a thing, right? People start to believe all sorts of shit if it's repeated over and over again.
You. Will. Get. Through. This.
KITT
TUESDAY, AUGUST 4
OXFORD, ENGLAND
It took a good four hours to stop feeling like her words cut me to pieces. She didn't mean it. We're not over, and that scares her, so she lashed out. Texas wants to be able to control her emotions when it comes to me, but it's impossible. We can't be controlled.
Cooper took her home, to her dad's, and I went back to the flat that I share with the guys. Tex and I should be looking at Rightmove now, searching for a home together.
I couldn't leave things, so I went to her house.
Mark stares at me, like he wants to tell me to do one. Not happening. I'm not leaving.
"I need to see her."
"I don't know what's going on, Kitt, but my daughter was brought home in tears and--"
"Yeah, I know. I'm here to fix it and show her that she's being stupid."
His eyebrows flick up.
"She's stubborn, but so am I."
Sighing deeply like it hurts, he steps aside, and I walk in.
"I don't want to see you putting any more tears in my daughter's eyes."
"Neither do I." Turning, I take the stairs two at a time. I tap on her door and count the seconds. One, two, three--
She opens the door, and her eyes widen.
"Please don't slam the door in my face, Tex," Blocking it with my arm as she tries to slam it, I plead with my eyes. Let me in.
She groans and looks away. "What do you want, Kitt?"
"There was too much pressure. I'm sorry, Tex, I shouldn't have turned up at the restaurant without warning, but I'm kind of desperate here. I don't know what to do. I only know that not being with you hurts so fucking much. I won't keep pushing, but please, please, if there's any part of you that thinks we can be saved, give me a shot."
Her eyes drop to the floor, and I feel her pain, too. This is hurting her just as much.
So, why is she doing this?
I couldn't stay away from her for anything in this world. There is no amount of pain she could cause me that would stop me from loving her.
Right now, her refusal to look me in the eyes is from her shame. She's feeling guilty because of what she said. She might have forgotten that I know her, but I fucking haven't. She looks up. Her hazel eyes stare past me, and her chest is moving fast as she tries to control her reaction to me being so close.
"Stop trying so hard to be okay. You're not okay. Neither of us is. I'm not angry about what you said anymore. But we need to talk about this."
"Do you think it's going to get us any further? I don't want to keep hurting each other."<
br />
"We won't. Please?"
She finally meets my eyes, and I feel like I'm flying again. No matter how we are, she still has the power to make me feel weightless.
"Tex, I fucking love you."
Her eyes sharpen, and she takes in a breath. "I still love you, too. You know that, right?"
I nod because I do know. What we have isn't something that fades--ever.
"Is that enough for you?" I ask.
"I want it to be. Kitt, every missed call and unanswered text made me feel like...a groupie, like I was disposable. I should've known better, but I was hurting and scared. You throw women away and the thought of you letting me go that easily..." Taking a breath, she swipes away a tear.
Shit.
"I gave up too easily. I'm sorry for that. Kitt, I can't lose you, and I know I'm being stupid right now because I'm the one who ended it, but you're not disposable to me. Ever. God, I was terrified that you'd find someone else, so I panicked."
"Texas..." Fucking hell, she can rip me apart with her words.
"No, don't. I'm not blaming you, not anymore. I'm so sorry that I was such an unreasonable bitch."
"You were trying to protect yourself," I mutter.
"Yes. It's dumb, I know. We both got hurt, but I didn't know what else to do because I've never lost, or thought I've lost, something that I love so much before."
I step forward and cup her cheek in my hand. "Let me in, and we'll talk. This is fixable. Whatever you're feeling, we can work through. But I can't do it alone."
She considers me for a minute, and the intensity on her face shows how big this is for her. She's terrified. My girl is an overthinker, so fuck knows what she's dreamed up in her head as the result of us getting back together. Obviously, it's not a pretty picture.
"We need to be able to find more time for us when you're on the road. I promise I won't freak out again, but I need something to work with. I've never wanted anything more than you so total silence kind of sends me... Well, you know."
"I know, and it's done. We'll figure it out. I've already said I won't do another loaded tour. I'll have more breaks, travel by plane. I'll do anything I can, so we're not apart for as long. I promise you, babe."
"I want you to be as supportive of my career as I am of yours."
I wrap her in my arms and tug her close. "Already am."
She laughs. "Are we crazy?"
"Who isn't? I love you."
She responds by pushing up on her tiptoes and planting her mouth on mine.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 7
OXFORD, ENGLAND
Texas is with Jennifer, having a meeting about her modelling Whitney's clothes line, and then she's going to go shopping with Peyton, so I take the time to do something I've been thinking about since I fell in love with Tex.
Me and Tex are doing good. We've talked, shouted and cried. It will take time for us both to be secure in our relationship again, but we're both determined to get there.
I follow Mark into the massive kitchen.
He starts to make us coffee. "I'm not sure what time she'll be back. When Peyton and Texas are shopping, it can go on for a while."
It goes on for a while because Peyton loves to shop. Tex will be in hell.
"Yeah, I know. I actually want to talk to you."
He slowly turns on his heel, his jaw clenched, and I know where this is going.
Holding up my hands, I laugh. "No, she's not pregnant."
His back slumps with relief. "Good."
"I wouldn't do that to her, Mark. She has all these plans. I'll wait at least a year before I put a baby in her belly." I smirk and sit on a stool.
It's only because he knows I'm joking that my legs are still attached.
"Is there anything in particular you want, Kitt?"
"Yeah, actually. I want to marry your daughter. So, if I can get your blessing, that'll be great."
His jaw drops, and his eyes bulge. He stands stock-still, like he's not sure he heard me right. Or he's trying to figure out who to call for the number of a hit man.
"You all right there, old man?" I ask, leaning forward.
I'm treading a very fine line here. He could say no. It's not going to change anything. There is nothing he could say that would stop me from proposing to her, but I know she will want him to be okay with it.
"You want to marry her?"
"Of course I do. How are you surprised by this?"
He coughs. "Because you're twenty-two, and she's nineteen."
"All right, so we're young, but that doesn't change a thing. We're still going to be together until the end. I'm not saying I want to get married right now, unless she does, but I want to put a ring on her finger."
"Why now?"
"Why not now?"
He cocks his head. "That's your answer?"
"I don't really know what else to say. I love her, and I want to marry her. That's my reason. What more do you need?"
His back straightens, and he folds his arms over his chest. Mark wants to say no. He wants Texas to live at home with him longer. He's not ready for another big change where their relationship is concerned, but he also can't do anything he knows she wouldn't want.
He's scared she'll say yes and move out, and he knows it'll happen.
"When were you planning on doing it?"
"Before we leave for Australia."
"Why so soon?"
I smirk. "Because you'll probably be sick of me when we hit the road again, and I'm not going to give you the opportunity to change your mind. I'm looking for a yes from both of you, so I'm not taking any chances."
"What if she says no?"
"She won't."
"What if I do?"
"I'm going to marry her, Mark. You know that, too. I'd rather do it with your support, and so would Tex, but I will make her my wife."
He stares at me for a long time. His hazel eyes search for answers to every doubt he has. I hold his eyes, sitting tall. She is all I want, and he'll never find anything else inside of me other than Texas.
Finally, he breaks our gaze. "When she was six and asked why her mum didn't live with us, like her friends who all had two parents together, we ended up having a huge discussion. She got upset...for me because I didn't have anyone to parent with. I had to do it all alone. And when I told her I was happy to do it alone, she promised me she'd live with me forever. Of course, that would never happen, but she was so sure. I would love more time with my daughter, but I would never ask her to put her life on hold or give up her happiness for me. So, if she wants to marry you, Kitt, you have my blessing."
Thank fuck for that.
The weight of the damn world lifts off my shoulders.
Shit, I get to marry the girl of my dreams. Like I said, it's happening anyway, but it's better with the old man's approval.
"Thanks, Mark. And I don't expect her to move in with me straight off. You're both going to need time to get used to it."
"Oh, she'll want to move in with you. You'll be engaged, Kitt. You should live together."
Well, I know that, but I'd never push her. Not that much anyway. Not when it comes to her relationship with her dad.
"You've had enough of her already?" I joke.
He laughs. "I'm just looking forward to watching you try to handle her."
I have a few tried and tested ways. None I can discuss with her daddy.
"It's fine. I'll drink."
Folding his arms, he takes a step closer, like he's putting me on trial. "What does this mean in the long-term? You'll be touring, and she'll be..."
"She'll be wherever she wants."
"You're fine with her staying behind?"
"Mark, all I need is for her to be happy. Whatever we're doing, we'll figure it out. And I won't cram the whole world into a summer next time. I love my career--it's all I've ever wanted to do--but it will never come before her. Nothing will."
He gives me a nod, and I think he's content with what I've told him. I've never had to put so much
fucking work into a relationship before. Mark and Texas aren't easy, but I love them both. In very, very different ways.
"Better not. If she sheds one tear over you, I swear..."
"Got it," I reply. "Anyway, shouldn't you be worrying about your next move? Your nineteen-year-old daughter will beat you down the aisle. Don't you think it's time to settle down?"
"I'm about to get rid of one woman, so I think I'll enjoy the peace for a while."
"Mark, if I ask you a personal question, do you promise not to--"
"Ask me if I'm gay, and I'll break your neck."
I laugh and take the mug of coffee he's finally made. "Looks like I'm not the only one to question."
"No, my sweet little girl has. My whole adult life has been about Texas, and although I wouldn't have had it any other way, she's at a stage in her life where she doesn't need me to parent her. I'm looking forward to...how do I put it?"
"Shagging around?"
He chuckles. "Something like that."
"You're doing it backward, you know?"
"Play and then settle? I know, but I knocked up a groupie, so I had that situation to deal with first." He shrugs and grins.
I love how open and lighthearted he and Texas are about what happened.
"No one around to teach you rule one about wrapping up...which I'm thankful for."
"You're welcome. I did it all for you," he says dryly. "How are you going to propose? You'd better make it good."
"I'm not sure yet. It'll be good. I could write it on a napkin, and she'd still cry."
My girl can get a bit emotional when it comes to us. And when she's hungry. Or tired. Or her favourite program ends on a cliffhanger. Or Netflix doesn't have the next series to her latest obsession.
"The summerhouse," he says. "Do you remember the first time Texas and I met you, and you gave us that CD?"
I nod.
"Well, after I listened to it, Texas stole it. Every day, all summer, she would be out there, with the doors open, playing your album. It was on repeat. When I found out about you and Texas, she told me that Paris wasn't the start for her. I realise now what she wasn't telling me. It was back that summer, two years ago, when she fell in love."
Fuck me, I love her.
"The summerhouse?" I clear my throat.
Jesus, the things that girl does to me.
My throat is lodged, and I feel like I could fucking cry. But I won't because that would be humiliating in front of Mark.
"I can make it easier and not be here. Will wants to let off some steam in Dublin before Australia."
With the Band Page 33
