“Enjoying the scene, Rissa?”
I jumped, nearly spilling my wine, hoping I had not actually shrieked. I gave silent thanks I had not knocked over the bust of some long-lost ancestor. I turned toward the invader of my calm musings. “Please leave me alone. Go away. Now.” I spoke in a low, nearly hissing, voice. I attempted to paste a peaceful, serene expression on my face.
“No. I finally have you in a place where you can’t run away from me, and I am going to speak my piece.”
Cameron looked up and smiled at Jonas, who nodded in acknowledgment. Savannah looked over at us with a horrified expression, which she quickly masked. She tried to make her way toward us, but Jonas prevented her from walking toward me by firmly gripping her elbow and steering her in the opposite direction.
“You know Jonas?” I asked, eyes narrowing as I contemplated that bit of information.
“Of course. We go back a ways. Families and all that. We know each other best from law school. He owed me a favor, and this is it,” he said with a smug smile.
“If you wanted to see me, you should have called at my door and asked permission to speak with me,” I retorted, beginning to lose my calm facade.
“And be humiliated by being refused admittance? No, Rissa. I had to think of another way to see you.”
I glared at him at his use of my nickname.
Then with gentle urgency in his voice, he leaned toward me asking, “Who is that big hulking brute who walked you home the other day?”
“Cameron, I am not your concern anymore. Please desist asking such questions.”
“Oh, you most definitely are my concern, my Clarissa.” He looked at me. “We almost married, Clarissa. Or did you forget that?” At my sharp indrawn hiss of breath, he smiled, though with a touch of malice. “Ah, I see that you remember. We were in love, and I never forgot you. Why do you think I am back?” He looked at me with intense brown eyes.
“We were in love. We almost married. Neither are the case anymore. Everything changed when you failed to show on our wedding day,” I retorted, trying to maintain a calm countenance for the sake of the other guests and for my own pride. I had a sense I failed miserably as my cheeks felt hot, and I was short of breath.
“Rissa, it’s been to my everlasting regret that I did not come to our wedding. What can I say? I panicked. I felt like I was being trapped into a world, into a life, that I didn’t want. You must admit, marrying you wasn’t gaining me any social standing. Unfortunately I realized after I left that I did want that world. I did want you.”
“You speak to me like this, after years of absence and abject silence, thinking this is the way to woo me? Court me?” I snapped, though kept my voice low. “Do you really think insulting me and my family are the way to my heart? If you truly wanted me, you could have had me, Cameron. You are about two years too late.”
“You can’t mean that, Clarissa,” Cameron pleaded. “You must give me another chance.”
I sighed, the anger leaving as quickly as it had come, desolation at his perfidy nearly overwhelming me. “Cameron, you were the one who spoke so confidently about our future lives together. But I’ve come to realize it was all just talk with you, wasn’t it? You didn’t really want me, just the talking about it. The danger, the excitement, of going against your exalted family.” I heard the bitterness in my voice but couldn’t mask it.
I paused to study him for a moment and realized he seemed less to me somehow. Less vivacious, less charming, less handsome, less endearing. Nothing at all like the memory I had clung to for the past two years.
“How dare you speak about my family’s social standing? We are an upstanding, successful, hardworking family. You should be proud to know us. To marry me,” I snapped, turning from him. He gripped my arm, preventing me from walking away.
“I never realized how weak a man you are until now,” I said.
At my words, he blanched and finally released my arm. “Rissa…” he pleaded.
“I am Miss Sullivan to you, sir, please don’t forget that. You owe me that modicum of respect,” I replied.
I turned my back to him and walked toward Savannah, who watched me from across the room with worried eyes. A sense of calm settled over me the more distance I put between Cameron and myself.
The dinner party continued endlessly, with the women content to continue their tittering and gossiping in the parlor, finally sitting in small conversation groups. I smiled, fearing I seemed a vapid simpleton, but could not muster the energy to engage in a conversation. Thankfully Savannah busily entertained the small group with details from her upcoming wedding. Finally after an interminable dinner, Jonas, Savannah and I were able to take our leave.
“What could you have been thinking?” Savannah asked Jonas in the carriage. “You should have separated Cameron and Clarissa immediately.”
“I will do what I deem best, Savannah,” Jonas said. “No matter what your family decrees.”
“He has no right…”
“He has every right to speak with her if he wishes. And that is enough on the topic,” Jonas said in an authoritative voice.
I sat next to Savannah, shaking in fury, but unable to form a coherent sentence.
***
AFTER I ENTERED THE FRONT HALL, removed my coat and walked up the stairs, I peeked into da’s study. He sat in a dilapidated chair near the fire studying the smoldering flames in the grate. A lamp was lit near the doorway, emitting a weak light. Long shadows highlighted the bookshelves on the far side of the room and his desk piled with mounds of paperwork.
“Da?”
“Ah, Rissa darling, you’re home,” da said. He motioned for me to enter and I sat next to him on a padded footstool. “How was the party?”
“Cameron was there.” I whispered the words, hoping the gentle delivery would temper da’s ire.
He reached down, gripping my shoulder. I turned to face him. “Savannah and her Jonas kept you away from him.” I closed my eyes at his statement, as for him there was no question that they would prevent me from being in Cameron’s presence.
“No, Da. They didn’t.” He pursed his lips and his grip on my shoulder tightened. “Jonas knows Cameron. Says he owed Cameron a favor and helping Cameron find a way to speak with me was a way to repay the debt.”
“And they say that those in society are genteel?” Da hissed. “Do they have no sense, leaving you to listen to the filthy lies of such a man?” He reached down to cup the left side of my face. “Are you all right, my Clarissa?”
“Yes, Da. We were in a roomful of people and although I would prefer not to speak with him again, I am fine.”
“When does the school year end?”
“In a few weeks. But please let me finish it, Da. Please. I need to teach. I need that purpose to my life. I can’t be confined to the house. Not with…” I grimaced at the thought of being in the house with Mrs. Smythe. Of having no way to see Gabriel.
“Rissa, I know you need to teach, but keeping you safe must be my first priority. I wish your mother were here to give me good, sensible advice.”
“She’d want me to be happy, Da.”
“She’d want you safe.” He said as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “For now, you can continue to teach, but it’s open for discussion if you see him again.” He raised his eyebrows as he watched me. I nodded. I stood, kissed him on his forehead and left to prepare for bed.
***
SAVANNAH FOUND ME HOME ALONE the following afternoon, sipping a strong cup of tea in the parlor, lost in thought. Mrs. Smythe followed her in but, in an uncommon act of kindness, realized we needed to be left alone.
“Rissa, are you all right?” Savannah asked in a tremulous voice, taking my hand in hers as she sat next to me on the settee. She appeared near tears, gripping my hand almost painfully in her agitation.
I continued to lean back against the settee without the strength or inclination to sit up properly. I had been deep in thought, thinking of the night before and the
conversation with Cameron. I continued to turn it over again in my head, unable to stop puzzling it. I turned to face her and silently shook my head, unsure of what to say.
“Rissa, I assure you, I had no idea Jonas was going to arrange a meeting. I did not even know he knew Cameron. Should I discuss this with father?”
“No, I spoke with my Da last night. He’s quite upset with Jonas.”
“Rissa, I didn’t know it was going to happen.” Savannah blinked rapidly as she fought tears.
“Sav, I saw your face. I know you were as shocked as I was,” I admitted, squeezing her hand. “I don’t understand why Jonas acted as he did toward me. It seems disrespectful. Ungentlemanly.” I looked at a spot on the wall, reenvisioning the scene from last night. I murmured, “I always knew he disliked me. I just hadn’t realized how much.”
Savannah raised her eyebrows, trying to find words to contradict my last statement, but I forestalled her, saying, “No, Sav, don’t disagree. This is proof of his dislike toward me. Everyone is trying to prevent me from speaking to Cameron, yet he arranges it.” I sighed, leaning my head fully against the settee.
“Rissa, what can I do to make it up to you?”
“It’s not for you to make up to me. You didn’t do anything to me,” I replied, smiling at her.
“What did he say to you? You seemed upset when he spoke with you.” She released my hand, turning toward the tea table to prepare herself a cup of tea. At her grimace upon her first sip, I realized the tea had turned cold and was now too strong for her.
I focused on her question, my thoughts returning to Cameron and last night. “He told me why he didn’t show up.”
“Really? What was his reason?” Savannah leaned in, holding her breath.
I turned dull, pained eyes toward her. “He told me that he felt trapped into a life he didn’t want, and it was the only way he could see out.” A tear leaked down my face, and I wiped it away. I felt impatient with myself for crying over him; I had cried enough for Cameron and needed to move on.
“Oh, Clarissa, how wretched!” Savannah covered her mouth with her left hand. “I can’t believe he is trying to blame you for his own weakness.”
“Yes, that is what he is trying to do. Blame me for his weakness. However, I won’t let him. I told him that he should have only felt pride to be marrying me. That I thought he was a weak man.” Speaking with Savannah aided in lifting my spirits, eased my insecurities.
Savannah gasped when I mentioned the weak man comment and then grinned. “Oh, that must have hurt his pride. I know I should not take joy in that, Rissa, but he seems like Jonas in many ways, and that type of comment would cause Jonas no end of distress.”
We shared twin evil smiles for a moment before I finally broke the silence.
“I said that mainly to hurt him. A part of me wanted him to hurt as he had hurt me.” I let out a long sigh. “But it didn’t make me feel any better, Sav. It just made me feel worse.”
Savannah gently tapped my hand and said, “That’s because you are a decent, kind person.” After a few moments she gently cleared her throat and said, “Clarissa, I know this sounds horrible, but isn’t it better to know, before you married him, what type of person he really was? At least you didn’t marry him, only to find out what he truly thought of you and your life together. That would have been horrible. And you would have been stuck with him.”
I nodded my agreement. “Yes, Sav, you are right.” I sighed, stretching, sitting up fully. “I am tired of being inside. Let’s go for a walk.”
“Yes, let’s. It’s a beautiful day. Let’s walk toward the Public Gardens. I imagine the flowers will be in bloom by now.”
We gathered light wraps in the front hall, pinning and adjusting our hats in the mirror before descending the front steps. I looped my arm through Savannah’s, and we began our walk. The calm oasis of Union Park disappeared as we entered the larger thoroughfares. We skirted trolley tracks, carriages and delivery carts as we continued toward the Back Bay.
We entered the Public Gardens through the Arlington gate and began to stroll around the manicured grounds. The swan boats moved slowly around the pond. The roses were not yet in bloom, although I smiled at the whimsy of flowers with long stems and large mauve-colored orbs at the top. They seemed the type of flower one could pick and then blow on to spread the flower petals, like a dandelion. I finally began to relax, enjoying the fresh air, seeing the gardens in their springtime glory.
Savannah and I continued to walk, although Savannah seemed more pensive than usual. Suddenly she turned to me, and blurted out, “I envy you, you know, Rissa.”
“Envy me. Why?”
“You are living your own life. You teach, even though no one is particularly happy with it. You are free to marry who you want.”
I looked at her, sensing there was much she wasn’t saying. “Savannah, you of all people know that my life isn’t that easy.” I paused for a moment. “Tell me what you are really trying to say.”
“I feel as though I am keeping up expectations. Meeting everyone else’s desires for me. Mama’s so happy about the wedding, as are the grandparents. I feel…” A long sigh, a quiet shake of her head and a softly rueful laugh followed.
“Sav, are you saying you don’t want to marry Jonas?” I asked, trying to dampen my nascent hope.
“Do you know how I met Jonas?” she asked.
“Wasn’t it at a party?”
“No, I met him at Grandpapa and Grandmama’s house one afternoon when I called for tea. They had transpired for the two of us to come for tea on the same day. This has been their dream. To have one granddaughter marry well.”
I stared at Savannah in surprise, shocked by our grandparents’ plotting. “Savannah, if you don’t want to marry him, then don’t. You should be happy, too.”
“That’s such a simple way of looking at life, Rissa,” Savannah chided gently, making me feel about ten years old.
Before I could take any true offense, she met my worried gaze with devastated eyes, and I began to understand her despair.
“I don’t know as I believe in love, Rissa. At least, not that grand, all-consuming feeling you described with Cameron at the beginning. I feel great affection for Jonas. I believe that will be enough for me,” she finished with a hard, resolute edge to her voice and a quick nod. Her words had become more determined and firm as she spoke. It seemed as though she were trying to convince herself, rather than me, of this truth.
I stopped walking, staring at Savannah with an expression of despair. “For pity’s sake, Sav, don’t marry him if you don’t love him!”
“What did love get you, Rissa?” Savannah asked.
I recoiled as though she had struck me. A lone tear escaped, and I hastily wiped it away. I continued to watch her, attempting to understand why she would strike out at me. “Pain, heartbreak.” My voice cracked slightly. “But at least I wasn’t afraid to live. Taking risks in life is part of living, Sav.” I looked away, taking a steadying breath. “Let’s go back. It’s grown chilly.”
Savannah nodded, and we turned for home. “Rissa, I didn’t mean…”
I waited for her to finish, but she said no more. I realized she had no more to say, and I knew, deep inside, she was not truly upset with me. This really was about her. We walked toward home in tense silence, lost in thought.
CHAPTER 23
MY STUDENTS HAD LEFT, but I sensed I was being watched. I glanced up impatiently from correcting ledgers at my desk to see Cameron standing in the doorway. He looked every inch the successful gentleman in a formal black suit and waistcoat with crisp white shirt and dark tie.
“Cameron, what are you doing here?” I demanded. I rose from my seated position at the desk.
“I knew of no other way to speak with you than to be bold, so I decided to come to your schoolhouse. I never realized you wanted to continue to teach, Clarissa.” He glanced around the schoolroom, taking it in, smirking at the students’ simple drawings. “I would
have thought you could have taught at a better school than this.” He sniffed.
“Cameron, I teach here because I choose to teach here, because I want to teach these children. They have as much right to an education as any other.”
“Yes, of course,” he murmured. “However, that is not why I am here. There is much still for us to discuss, Clarissa.” He turned to me, looking at me with his pale brown eyes lit with a strange light.
“Is there? What would you like to discuss?”
“Rissa, I fear you did not understand me the other evening.” He stood with his legs slightly apart, with his hands gently holding his hat, fingers repeatedly tracing the edges. “The pain you felt at the altar surely has faded by now, and we can move on from that, can’t we? I realize I do want a life with you. I miss you. I miss the fact that you are full of life and vitality and that you show your emotions, even though that is not always proper. I have met other women, and no one compares to you, Rissa. What do you say?” He spoke in a rush, the words pouring out of him as they always had. He finished, smiling, as though I would be pleased to agree with him.
“The hurt has faded by now?” I seethed, as I approached him. “We can move on? As though we disagreed on the color of wallpaper? You failed to show up at our wedding. Do you know the kind of ridicule and disgrace I had to endure? I may not be a genteel, upper-class woman, as you pointed out. My family may not be up to your standards, as you so kindly made clear the other evening. However, let me assure you that I felt the full censure of my family, neighbors, friends and society in general. Do you know what that feels like?” I demanded, eyes flashing, breathing heavily.
“Rissa, I’m sorry.”
He looked at me with a half smile, the half smile he had always used to excuse any misunderstanding between us. In the past, I had found it endearing; now it simply enraged me.
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