“But not in a husband,” I muttered.
“I agree. Rissa can do better than Cameron.” Lucas scowled at Mrs. Smythe as he joined our conversation. He tapped the folder he carried against his leg. “Care to join me?” He held out his hand, and I rose, walking with him toward the piano.
He sat on the bench and pulled me down next to him. He placed the folder on the piano stand but did not open it. He ably began to play the haunting piece of music he had used to taunt Savannah before her wedding, a Beethoven piece. I ignored Mrs. Smythe’s continued exaltations of Cameron, focusing on Lucas’s music.
“What’s it called?” I asked as he played.
“‘Für Elise,’” Lucas murmured. “It reminds me of you because it is calm and gentle.”
“I’d think you’d play a piece full of chaos for me,” I muttered.
“No, that’s not the real you, Rissa.” He continued to play even when he glanced up to see Gabriel at the parlor door.
I looked up, eyes flashing with happiness, blushing rosily at the sight of Gabriel entering the room. He stood tall, his broad shoulders tensed as he looked around the room at all present. He appeared to relax when he saw me sitting on the far side of the room. As Lucas continued to play, I watched Gabriel make his way around the room and attempted to wait patiently for him to come to me. I saw him speak with both Da and Uncle Martin. My eyes widened in surprise as he approached the aunts and Mrs. Smythe. He sat beside Mrs. Smythe for a few moments, and it seemed a rather stilted conversation ensued.
Finally he raised amused eyes my way, and I knew he would approach Lucas and me. He rose and walked toward me and soon stood next to the piano bench.
“Lucas, I can hear that your talents at the piano were not exaggerated.”
“Nice to see you here, McLeod. I will leave you to talk with Clarissa,” Lucas said. He rose, winked at me, and joined Colin and Patrick.
“Miss Sullivan, what a lovely piano. Are you a proficient player?” he asked with wicked amusement in his azure eyes.
I blushed, shaking my head. I scooted over on the bench, allowing him to sit next to me.
“I suppose I should ask you to play, but I don’t really want to spend our time together turning sheet music, unable to talk with you. Besides, Colin tells me that you’re not very talented. ‘Ghastly’ was the word I think he used.” His voice was teasing.
I laughed, nodding. “Colin does tend to be brutally honest. I am rather awful, though I do try.” I met his eyes. His were warm, a fathomless sea of blue that I could become lost in.
“Lucas doesn’t seem as angry toward me,” he murmured.
“He wants to see me happy but, at the same time, doesn’t want to cause me pain by being rude to you.”
“I am sorry for any distress I may cause in your relationship with him, darling,” he whispered.
I blushed more fiercely at the quiet endearment, finally meeting his eyes.
“I would never mean to cause you pain.”
“I am simply thankful he is attempting to like you.” After a few moments, I murmured, “Thank you for coming to the house tonight.”
“I said I would,” he replied, watching me. “Mrs. Smythe seems somewhat distant from everyone.”
“Yes, well, she and my da had quite an argument last night when Colin and I returned. Most of the truth came out as to your having come by and having been turned away. Da was furious.”
As Gabriel listened, he watched the groups in the room shuffle about until Da sat beside Mrs. Smythe, and Uncle Martin was with Colin, Lucas and Patrick. “She’s angry with me because she wants me to focus on acceptable men, like Cameron. Your being here will only annoy her.”
“She’s met him?”
“Yes, at least once, at an afternoon tea. I haven’t seen him since…well, for a while now.”
Gabriel tilted his head to one side as he studied me. “Since when, Clarissa?”
“Since he tried to talk with me when I was walking home. Well, and the wedding.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. I pushed him away. Boarded a passing trolley.”
Gabriel’s eyes had narrowed as I spoke. “Pushed him away? He grabbed you? Touched you?”
“Gabriel, please.” I spoke in a low, urgent voice. “He’s nothing but a nuisance. Mrs. Smythe likes to anger me, to show me that she thinks you are unsuitable. Nothing more.”
“And the wedding?”
“He spoke with me as I stood to the side of the room. Taunted me really.”
“How?”
“He seems to believe we will marry. That I will overcome my infatuation with you.” I looked at the piano keys, fingering them, but not pressing down on them.
“He seems more determined than I had expected. You’ll tell me if you see him again?” The urgency in Gabriel’s voice caused me to meet his worried gaze.
“Of course.” I smiled in an attempt to banish the topic of Cameron. “What possessed you to sit by her tonight?” I was desperate to change the subject.
He smiled. “To show her that I don’t scare so easily. I don’t know if it worked. I refuse to allow her any control over my life. She seemed startled that I would sit next to her. I think she’s not used to having people confront her.”
Gabriel turned back toward me, concern in his eyes. “Be careful with her. She has a devious mind, like Aunt Masterson. And even more worrisome, an inability to feel regret or to acknowledge wrongdoing.”
“She tried to keep me separated from my family, the Russells, too,” I said in a soft voice.
Gabriel’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I wonder why? What’s she playing at?” he asked, glancing toward Mrs. Smythe, studying her.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought her main goal was to keep the two of us separated. However, now it appears that her goal is to keep you separated from everyone you are close to. Why?”
I shrugged my shoulders in response.
He then smiled, with his dimple flashing and his eyes filled with joy, leaning toward me ever-so-slightly. “Enough about her. How are you, Clarissa?” he whispered.
“Happy because you are here.” I blushed, looking down.
I heard him chuckle. “I’m happy too, because I am here. I am only sorry that you ever doubted I would come tonight. You had to have known that I would come?” He stated the last as a question.
I looked at him, studying his eyes, which had turned serious. “I hoped you would come but was afraid that you would be unable to.”
“Why would I have been unable to?” he murmured, watching me with a confused expression. He leaned closer toward me.
“I worried that the doubts you expressed last night would seem more valid today, and you would decide it easier to avoid seeing me again.”
“Clarissa,” he whispered as he gazed into my eyes. “Never doubt my feelings for you.”
“Hey, Rissa!” Colin called out, causing me to start, jolting me from the moment. My head jerked up, glancing around the room, until I met Colin’s amused expression. “Lucas and I are going to take a stroll. Do you and Gabriel want to come along?”
I nodded, trying to gain my ability to speak. “Yes, that would be very nice. Mr. McLeod?”
“That would be lovely,” Gabriel replied.
He turned toward the room in general, nodded and took his leave. I followed Gabriel out, gathering my hat in the front hall. Colin and Lucas followed. The men gathered their outer coats, and I put on a light wrap. We made our way to the street as dusk began to fall. This would be a short walk, but I felt instant relief to be out of the stuffy parlor, away from the inquisitive eyes.
I looped my arm through Gabriel’s, and we followed Lucas and Colin’s lead. They seemed deep in conversation, and I was unable to hear their discussion. I focused my attention on the man walking slowly beside me. I gripped his arm, thankful for the contact.
“I’d give much more than a penny for your thoughts,” he teased, glancing down at me,
placing his hand over mine on his arm, giving it a soft squeeze.
“Oh, it’s nothing exciting. Just wondering what Colin and Lucas are discussing,” I admitted.
“I think they are trying to act as though they are having a deep personal conversation so that we can have time alone,” Gabriel said.
After a few moments of silence, Gabriel looked down toward me. “May I ask you something, Clarissa?”
“Yes, of course.” I had slowly catalogued the subtle changes in the way he addressed me, finding plain Clarissa to be my favorite.
“Why did you start teaching? What was your childhood like? I feel like I have told you so much about me, yet I have had to piece together impressions and images of you.”
We continued to stroll in a slow manner, managing to keep up with Lucas and Colin. Colin intentionally walked slowly, rather than his usual pace of a forced march. I gathered my thoughts and began to speak.
“My first memories are happy ones. My mama was a wonderful woman who took great joy in being our mother.” I paused, smiling as I thought of her. “She was thoughtful, kind, generous, smart. She ensured that we received a good education, yet that we were able to think for ourselves. She rebelled against her parents to marry Da. She did not like conformity. I’m not expressing myself well.”
I sighed, searching for the words to explain the essence of Mama. “I don’t know how to explain the wonder of her. She taught us what we needed to know to be able to exist in society and the world, yet she wanted to ensure that the rules did not control us.” I paused before murmuring, “I remember happiness when I think of Mama.”
“What happened to her?” Gabriel asked with intense, curious eyes.
“One day I realized that Mama was not as active as usual. I asked her about it, and she tried to make light of it. However, I realized that Da had become more uptight. Slowly Mama began to fade, and she finally went to sleep one night to never wake up. Colin, Patrick and I had just begun to realize that she was ill, and then she was gone. Some sort of wasting disease,” I whispered, holding back tears. Gabriel gripped my hand that was on his arm in comfort.
“I missed her dreadfully in the beginning, unable to do anything but lie in bed and cry. Finally Aunt Matilda and Uncle Martin insisted I return to school. Studying, reading became my salvation.
“After I finished my studies, I again felt aimless. My da was little help. He had become distant after Mama’s death, and I couldn’t look to him for guidance.” I paused, thinking back on those hard years after Mama had died. The anguish, confusion, anger I had felt.
“I hated feeling aimless. I wanted to have a purpose to my days. I began going on long walks, though they were frowned upon by Aunt Matilda and Uncle Martin. Da and my brothers remained clueless. It was as though Da only remembered he had a daughter again at supper, when he was forced to acknowledge me.” My throat thickened upon remembering his indifference, his inability to comfort me due to his own grief.
“One day, on one of my walks, I passed a school in a poorer section of town. I was curious to see how the children were learning, so I went in. Even though the children were from poor families, they were receiving a good education. I waited for the end of day, spoke with a few of the teachers, Miss Butler being one of them, and decided I wanted to teach.”
“I returned home that night, feeling a connection with my mama, and discussed it with Da, Colin and Patrick over dinner. Da didn’t have much to say, though I do remember he seemed mildly surprised I wanted to do anything other than sit at home or dream about marriage. Colin and Patrick encouraged me to try for it if I was interested. I took a teaching preparatory course for a year, and I have been teaching for a few years. That’s how I started to teach school. I would have had to have stopped teaching had I married Cameron, but…”
“Why should you give up teaching because you married?” Gabriel asked.
“As a married woman, I should focus on the running of the house. And if the marriage is blessed, children,” I said. “Also the school board only likes to hire unmarried women. They think married women are not morally acceptable to teach.”
“Should you have been working outside of the home as a young wealthy woman?” Gabriel asked.
“Of course not. Most of my family members were shocked. However, once I started teaching and everyone saw how contented it made me, they didn’t prevent me from continuing. Aunt Matilda hoped it would end this year with Cameron’s return.”
“You seem to value the opinion of your family,” Gabriel commented, a slight frown creasing his brow.
“I do. I seek their guidance in most of what I do.”
“Is it important that they approve of me?” he asked. I felt his arm tense beneath my hand.
I hesitated, carefully choosing my words. “I seek their counsel, Gabriel, but they do not decide my mind for me. I am relieved that they approve of you, but that has not hindered or enhanced my feelings or regard for you in any way.”
“What if your family turned against us?” he asked.
“I like to think I’d be strong, like my mama, and do what I felt was right,” I replied, with mild defiance, lifting my chin toward him, meeting his eyes.
“Well, that’s good, Clarissa. At this point, no need to go looking for trouble. I think now is the time to bid you a good evening.”
I looked up to see that we were about to arrive at my front door, with Colin and Lucas already entering. I had lost sense of our surroundings while speaking with Gabriel.
He lifted my hand off his arm and gave my knuckles a soft kiss. “I will call again tomorrow evening, if that is agreeable?” he asked.
“Oh, yes. That would be fine,” I said, my eyes glowing with happiness.
I watched him take his leave, standing on the doorstep in the early evening. Colin eventually returned outside to call me in.
CHAPTER 35
ON ONE BEAUTIFUL SUMMER EVENING, where a light wind blew and there was very little humidity, Gabriel called as usual and asked me to walk toward the park to listen to a concert of the music of John Philip Sousa. Richard had called with him so that he could occupy Colin, allowing Gabriel and me to have time alone.
As we strolled toward the park, I hooked my arm through Gabriel’s, enjoying being with him.
“Your stepmother seems more high-strung than usual,” Gabriel said, breaking into my pleasant reverie.
“She is irritated on a near daily basis that you are allowed to call. And she had to accept two McLeod men into her parlor tonight,” I said. I gripped his arm for a moment, and he met my gaze. “She’s irate with my da because he scuttled her plans for an upcoming tea. She discussed the invitation list over dinner tonight, and I can’t remember the last time I saw Da so angry.”
“Why?”
“The first person on her list was Cameron.”
“Cameron?”
I met his worried gaze. “Yes, I think the purpose of her tea would have been for me to have tea with him. See him in an acceptable light again.”
“What did your da say?”
“He forbade her from inviting ‘that man’ into the house. Said he would never be welcomed after how he treated me.”
Gabriel nodded his agreement. “And you? How do you feel?”
“Worried,” I whispered. “I don’t understand her continued insistence that I reunite with Cameron.”
“You have allies, darling. Colin, your da. Me.”
I nodded, gripping his arm in understanding. “I know. I had hoped to never see him again after seeing him at the school, and yet I keep seeing him or hearing of him at every turn. I want him to disappear.”
“Hopefully he will find another woman to pursue soon.”
I smiled my agreement. After a few moments, I said, “Mrs. Smythe was also upset with Da for not stopping my visits to see my friend Sophie.”
“Sophie?”
“Mrs. Sophronia Chickering, a fellow suffragette.”
“Chickering, of the piano Chickerings?”
Gabriel asked, seeming astounded. “You are friends with one such as her?”
“They are only distantly related, and she married into the family,” I replied. “She is a wealthy widow, with the freedom to do as she pleases.”
“And does that appeal to you? Having the wealth and freedom to do what you like?” He watched me.
“Yes. Yes, it does.”
“What type of freedom is it that you seek, Clarissa?”
“Freedom to choose my own destiny. Freedom to work at any job I choose. Freedom to do as I please,” I said, a touch of defiance in my voice.
“And you don’t feel like you have that, living as you do, in a wealthy neighborhood in the South End, with a supportive family?”
I thought I heard a hint of criticism in his voice, which caused me to bristle. “Don’t judge me and my life, Gabriel,” I replied in a colder voice than I had intended.
“I’m not judging, Clarissa. I’m trying to understand what has you chafing so.”
I glanced around, understanding that our conversation was of no real interest to anyone but ourselves. I could hear Richard and Colin arguing ahead about the merits of supporting the Republican or Democratic ticket in the November election.
“You will never know what I truly mean, Gabriel, because you are a man. Simply due to that, you have choices and opportunities I can never dream of. I cannot vote. I cannot choose any profession I wish to study. I cannot…” I paused, at a loss for words to express my discontent.
“You seem especially focused on all the things you cannot do, Clarissa. Why don’t you focus on what you can?”
“Because I’m always left wanting more. I feel so constrained,” I whispered.
“Hmm…” Gabriel seemed lost in thought. “You say you want the freedom to choose your own profession, your own future. You seem to be succeeding.”
“Teaching was one of the few acceptable professions open to me,” I snapped.
“Are you saying you don’t like it?”
“No, of course not. I just wish I had more choice.”
In an instant his mood seemed to change, and his arm was stiff with suppressed anger. He glared down at me as he spoke. “Clarissa, darling, now you are sounding foolish. Do you think my great dream in life was to toil over wood for the rest of my life? Or for Richard to be stuck in a smithy? Or for Jeremy to be in the Philippines in the army?” he demanded, eyes gleaming with anger.
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