by K. M. Scott
“Yeah,” I said as I kissed her gently on those lips I’d missed for so long. “I’ve been a goddamned fool, Abbi. I’m sorry. I don’t know how I’m ever going to make it up to you for all that I’ve done, but I’m here to say I’m going to try. I just didn’t want to hurt you, but now I see that what I was doing was hurting you more. I’m sorry, angel.”
The tears ran down her cheeks and she sobbed, “I’ve waited so long for you to call me that again, Kane. I didn’t know why you didn’t love me anymore or what I’d done, but I never gave up. Every day I waited and believed you’d see we belonged together and you’d come back, and now you have. Oh, Kane, I missed you so much.”
“I know, angel, and I missed you. I never stopped loving you. Never. And now our baby needs us to be there for her, so I’m not going anywhere. I’ve missed too much time with you already. I don’t want to miss a minute more, and we’ve got a life ahead of us with Annalea that I can’t wait for.”
She leaned her head against my chest, and I stroked her long blond hair, loving the silky feel of it against my fingertips. In a whisper, she said, “She has your eyes. They’re bright and intense, even though she’s so early. Wait until you see her. She’s just the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. I can’t believe we made that incredible little girl.”
“I can’t wait to see her with you, but I need to know you’re okay, Abbi.”
Looking up at me, she nodded and smiled through her tears. “I’m okay now. I missed you so much, Kane. I was afraid this day would never come. That you’d never come back and I’d lost you forever, but I kept telling myself that no matter what you were going through, I had to believe in you. I had to.”
I cradled her face and kissed her softly. “I’m so sorry, angel. I was so lost for so long that I didn’t see what I was doing. I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t. I thought I was keeping you safe from me.”
She held her slender hands over mine and shook her head. “Why would I ever have to be safe from you? Why would you think that?”
“Because of my demons. I was afraid that someday they’d get a hold of me again and hurt someone and then you and the baby would be left alone because I wasn’t able to control them.”
“So it wasn’t that you were afraid of hurting me or the baby?”
“I would never do that, angel. Never. I would never hurt you or her. I just worried about becoming that man who hurt people again. What if I did that and was sent to prison again? That wouldn’t be fair to promise you a life together if I was taken away.”
She looked at me with all the love she had inside. “I don’t care why you’re back. I’m just happy you are. I need you. I’ve always needed you.”
“I know, and I should have been there. I’m going to try every day from now on to make it up to you for being away all those months. I swear, Abbi. I won’t screw up again. I’m going to do whatever I have to for you and Annalea. You can count on me.”
Abbi squeezed me to her and kissed me like we’d never been apart. “I love you, Kane. You’re a good man. I’m glad you finally realized it.”
“I’m so sorry it took so long.”
“Was it the text I sent yesterday? I had a feeling about you as I sat in my room and felt like I should remind you about how good you’ve been to me since that first day we met. You’re a protector, Kane. Don’t ever forget that.”
“No, angel. I was too stupid to see what you saw, but last night Shay set me straight. I suddenly saw as I talked to her that I’d been blind in thinking that I was protecting you by staying away.”
“Shay?”
“Yeah. She and Stefan are having some problems and she came over to talk about them. She showed me what a damn fool I’ve been all this time. You needed me, and I was nowhere to be found, but she called me on it.”
Abbi leaned back away from me and knitted her brows. “That’s great that she could help you find your way back to me, Kane. After all those months of me professing my love in texts and voicemails because you refused to answer me, Shay’s the one who ends up convincing you that you should come back to the woman carrying your baby. Well, thank you Shay.”
“What’s wrong? She just said what she knew someone should to defend you. I’m thankful she finally got through this thick head of mine because I was wrong. I know that now, angel.”
“You were wrong and you know that now because Shay told you? Not because your girlfriend who loves you and never stopped believing in you told you that every day? How do you think that makes me feel? You’re off having chats with your buddy Shay while I’m pregnant out at that island house you exiled me to, but I should be happy you finally found your way back because some other woman explained it all to you?”
“Angel, it’s not like that. I love you. She just was able to make me see how wrong I’d been all this time. I can’t protect you from hurt by staying away.”
“You seem to have been pretty successful for all those months, but thanks to Shay you finally found your way back.”
“Abbi, I love you and I’m going to do whatever I need to show you that.”
“Except come back to me when I beg you to instead of when someone else says it’s time!” she yelled, making me step back in surprise.
“Angel…”
She pushed her hands out in front of her to keep me away and screamed, “Get out of here! I don’t want to see you! You left me when I needed you most and stuck me out at that house not caring that you were breaking my heart every day, and now I hear that you didn’t come back because of me but because of someone else? Get out of here and don’t come back!”
I tried to reach out to her, but she forced me away. “It’s not like that, angel. I love you. I never stopped loving you.”
“Don’t call me that! And don’t come back here. You didn’t seem to give a damn about our baby for all those months you left me alone, so I don’t see you caring if she dies. Go away!”
She covered her face in her hands and cried so hard I couldn’t help but want to take her into my arms and never let her go. I tried, but she flailed so violently against me that I just stepped back in shock. It had never occurred to me that she wouldn’t take me back, but now that reality was one I had to deal with.
I couldn’t give up on her, though. I had to show her I loved her.
“Abbi, I’m sorry I didn’t do this the right way, but I’m here now and I’m not going away again. I promise you that.”
Shaking her head, she lay down on the bed and brought the blankets up over her face to ignore me. “Go away!” she sobbed. “Just go away. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
I stared down at her as she cried and knew I was the reason for her sadness again. For months, I’d hurt her by abandoning her and now I’d hurt her again by not seeing all those times she tried to talk to me, all I had to do was listen. Instead, I’d listened to someone else and made Abbi feel less important again. She didn’t deserve that.
I wanted to explain myself, but I couldn’t hurt her anymore, so I left to go see our little girl. Alexandria stood outside in the hallway and frowned as I left Abbi’s room.
“She just needs time, Kane. It’s been very traumatic for her. She’ll come around.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt her again. I didn’t think it would matter why I realized I should come. I guess I was wrong.”
She squeezed my wrist in support and smiled. “No woman wants to think that the man she loves couldn’t figure out he loved her without another woman’s help, Kane. She’ll come around, though. I know she will. She loves you more than you even know. She wouldn’t have waited for you if she didn’t.”
“I’ve screwed this up bad, but I have to try to fix it. I’ll give her a little time. I need to see Annalea, though. I need to see my little girl.”
“Okay,” Alexandria said as she began to guide me down the hallway toward the NICU. “She’s down here. Just remember what I said before. She needs you to fight for her now, so you be there for her and her mother
.”
I walked into the NICU suite at Tampa General and my breath caught in my chest. After scrubbing my hands and arms and donning all the required garb, I felt sort of like a scientist going into one of those decompression chambers they put astronauts in after they come back from outer space. The room buzzed and beeped from machines that gave it a cold, sterile feeling, and my heart contracted at the thought that this was where my little girl would have to spend her time until she got strong enough to come home.
“Mr. Jackson?”
I turned to see an older woman with grey eyes motion toward where she stood and walked over to stand next to her. “Yes?”
“Your daughter is right here. Now don’t feel frightened or pressured to do anything. We’re here for her and for you. She’s stable and although she’s very small at just two pounds, it’s important you spend time with her, including touching her. She needs you to introduce yourself to her world, so just take your time and relax. She’ll get to know you and you’ll see how much that means to both her and you.”
I looked into the isolette and there lay the tiniest human being I’d ever seen in my life. Abbi’s kitten had been bigger when I brought her home that day. Annalea lay on her back just like Alexandria had warned me—with tubes and wires attached to her to help her alive minute to minute.
Choking up, I stared at that beautiful little person who I prayed would someday look up at me and call me Daddy. She had almost no hair, but the little bit she did have was pale blond like her mother’s. I couldn’t see her eyes, but I remembered Abbi saying our daughter had my eyes and I hoped to someday soon see her look at me so I could see for myself.
I timidly touched my hand to her leg that couldn’t have been thicker than my middle finger and felt her skin. So new and so soft, she was so fragile that I wanted to take her into my arms and never let her go for fear that the world might hurt her if I did.
The elderly nurse looked over at me and smiled as I slid my hand away. “Would you like to hold her? It’s been proven that babies need the touch of their parents. It’s good for them.”
“I don’t want to hurt her,” I said, pushing down the emotion that came from just the thought of any harm coming to her.
“You won’t hurt her, Mr. Jackson. You can sit in the rocking chair and I’ll put her on your chest. It’s called Kangaroo Care. It’s wonderful for preemies like Annalea.”
“Okay. What do I have to do?”
“I just need you to sit down and get comfortable, and then open your shirt. I’ll place her in the middle of your chest and then all you have to do is hold her. You can rock slowly, if you want too.”
I did as the Ellen the NICU nurse said and waited for her to lift Annalea out of her isolette. She moved her legs slightly as she was carried over to me, and then the nurse placed her on my skin and I instantly felt like the whole world washed over me like a tidal wave. Even with all the plastic tubes and wires, she melded to my chest like she immediately knew who I was.
“Now close your shirt up to her neck and I’ll place a blanket over her to keep her warm.”
I carefully closed the two sides of my shirt around Annalea, and Ellen covered her with a white blanket before she stepped back and smiled down at me. “She looks right at home there with you, Dad. Now just relax and enjoy your time with her. She’s loving it, so don’t worry.”
Gently, I placed my hand over her tiny back and held her to me, loving the feel of her against my body as I protected her from the world outside the security of my shirt. I slowly began rocking the chair back and forth as I talked to my little girl for the first time, sure that while she would never remember these first moments together that I would never forget them.
“I’m your dad, Annalea,” I whispered as I leaned down to touch her forehead gently with my cheek. “I haven’t been the kind of man anyone would want for a father before this very moment, but I promise I’m here for you now and forever.”
I thought about everything I’d done in my life and how much it hadn’t meant anything as much as being there for Annalea and Abbi. I may not have had parents who cared about me the way I wished they had, but I was going to be the kind of father my daughter could be proud of and the kind of man she and Abbi needed me to be.
“Your mom isn’t too happy with me right now, but I promise I’ll change that too,” I whispered as I rocked her slowly back and forth. “You just watch. We’re all starting out a little rough, but don’t worry. I have you, Annalea.”
A half hour later my first visit with my daughter had ended, and I felt like I was walking on air. I needed to talk to Abbi and tell her how much I adored her, but Alexandria stopped me as I walked to her room.
“How was your visit with that beautiful baby girl of yours?” she asked as she gently blocked the door.
“It was incredible. I’ve never felt anything like that in my life. I need to talk to Abbi now, though.”
“I think it might be a good idea if you gave her a little time, Kane. She’s going through a lot right now, so just a little time might make things better for the both of you. I know it’s hard, but she gave you time. Now you need to give her the same. Just don’t give up on her. She never gave up on you.”
After my visit with Annalea, knowing Abbi didn’t want to see me made my heart sink, but Alexandria was right. I could be there for her in other ways, though. I nodded my understanding and quietly said, “I need help. I need to do the right thing now, and that means getting help with my problem.”
She lifted her hands to cradle my face and smiled in that motherly way that I’d never known from anyone but her. “You do, and the first step is knowing it. I’m proud of you, Kane. Don’t worry. I know this is hard, but it will get easier. I promise.”
Taking a deep breath, I tried to smile as every ounce of my being silently pledged to do whatever I had to do to make a life for Abbi and Annalea. I looked in through the window at Abbi in her hospital bed and promised her even though I’d let her down up until now, everything would change.
I’d change.
Chapter Fourteen
Stefan
The beige walls of my condo felt like they were closing in on me with every minute I stayed there. I wanted to leave. I wanted to forget everything I’d seen and heard that morning, but something made me stay. I should have left. Nothing good would come from Shay returning and finding me there.
All we’d do is fight like we always did. The time for that was over. She made sure of that.
I paced across the floor from the window overlooking the bay to the kitchen and back until I was sure there would be a path worn in the carpet. My hands shook from anger as I thought about seeing her standing there in Kane’s apartment looking all sleepy from a night with him.
Had they slept together?
Fuck, I couldn’t even think of that without my stomach feeling like someone punched me with their fist square in the ribs. I could handle a lot of things, but not that.
I had to get the hell out of there. Even my own home felt like enemy territory now. I hurried to the bedroom to find a gym bag to stuff some clothes into. Just a few things so I could have something to wear wherever I ended up going.
“Stefan!” Shay yelled as she opened the door. “Are you here?”
Her voice sounded panicked. It should. This time she’d taken things too far.
I ignored her as my mind raced with what I wanted to say, what I wanted her to say. So much had already been said between us, but now after all this time, I didn’t know if anything we said would be enough.
She appeared in the doorway, and I felt her stare on the side of my face as I continued to pack clothes in the bag on the bed in front of me. The anticipation of who would speak first and what they’d say hung in the air. I’d never been one to shy away from a fight, but this time I wasn’t sure it was one I wanted to spend my time on.
“Stefan, you rushed out of there so fast you didn’t give me a chance to explain.”
Without lookin
g at her, I answered, “No need. I saw everything I needed to see.”
She stepped into the room and out of the corner of my eye I saw she moved more timidly than usual. She knew. There’s a point when even the nicest person crosses the line and then all bets are off as to how others will react.
That’s where she’d taken us last night.
“It wasn’t like that, Stefan. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I shrugged, unsure of what she meant. She wouldn’t turn to the one person in the world I never wanted her to be around? She wouldn’t share a night with my bastard half-brother who everyone seemed to give more than enough fucks about these days? She wouldn’t sleep with Kane and then turn around and lie to me about it?
She took another step or two and stopped. “I was hoping we could talk.”
Shaking my head, I choked back the rage slowly building within me. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to yell. I wanted to hit. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that whatever I’d fucking done didn’t mean it was okay for her to betray me.
“Please, Stefan. It’s important. We need to talk about us.”
Her use of the word us set something off in my brain, and I looked up at her to see her green eyes hopeful, like all we needed to do was talk about us and everything would be okay. Like any amount of talking we’d ever done had ever fixed anything.
“You want to talk about us, Shay? Us? What about us would you like to talk about? Who is us? You and me? You and me and Kane? What the fuck does us mean to you now?”
The first touch of her hand on my arm sent me reeling back, and I almost tripped over my own feet trying to get away from her. I stared at where she’d touched me and then up at her, shaking my head again.
I couldn’t do this. Not now. Everything about it was too raw, too right on the surface.
“Stefan, please. Just let me explain and you’ll see it’s all okay. It wasn’t what you think you saw.”
Fuck, the walls felt like they were pressing against my shoulders. I took a deep breath as my heart raced. “It’s not okay. Nothing is okay. You went to the one person in the world you knew I’d hate you going to.”
