Satisfaction

by K. M. Scott

  “I know you and Kane have some problems, but he’s your brother and he loves you. He just wants to see us happy.”

  As her words filtered into my head, everything around me seemed to stop, like life stopped and all that was left was me standing there watching it. “He loves me? What the fuck do I care if Kane loves me or not? Kane loving me isn’t the issue, Shay. You went to him instead of coming to me. You went to him!”

  She reached her hand out again, this time touching my wrist, and for a moment my body reacted as it always had to how she felt against me. I loved it. I wanted to feel her in my arms as I held her tightly to me.

  But then the image of her standing in Kane’s shitty rooms looking like she’d just woken up on top of him and him standing there half-dressed pushed all those wonderful feelings for her out of my mind, and a tidal wave of nothing but hurt and anger rushed in.

  “Please, listen to me. I was angry at you, but I know I was wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong, baby. I know now it’s all me. I’ve been the problem. But we can fix that. I can fix that.”

  Her words jumbled in my mind with the images I couldn’t forget of her and Kane, and I shook my head violently trying to find some way to deal with everything she was saying. As she continued to explain how what we’d become was all her fault, all I could wonder was why she hadn’t figured this out with me instead of him.

  I put my hand up to stop her from talking. “Why is it you couldn’t see what you were doing to us all this time, Shay, until you went to him last night?”

  She hung her head and said quietly, “I don’t know. I’m sorry for that too.”

  “So you think I’m supposed to be okay with the fact that you had some kind of fucking epiphany about us with Kane last night and now we’re going to live happily ever after? Is that what you and he planned out over some Jack Daniels and sex?”

  The word caught in my throat as I croaked it out. Sex.

  “No!” she cried as she clapped onto my arm to hold me next to her. “Nothing like that happened. Kane and I aren’t like that. We’ve never felt that way toward each other. You know that.”

  “I know that? I know my half-brother has always seemed intensely fucking interested in how easily you’d leave me once we got together and never believed we should be together in the first place. That’s what I know. I know he never thought you’d stay with me. Not that I, Stefan March, a man who’d slept with scores of women and could have anyone I fucking want in this world would leave you. No. That you, Shay Callahan, scientist and someone above my level, would leave me. That’s what I fucking know.”

  My voice echoed off the walls I barked so loud at her, but I was just getting started. She wanted to have this conversation, then she was going to get the real me, not the man she’d basically cut down to size less than an hour ago.

  “Baby, please listen to me. Kane isn’t the issue with us. I didn’t mean to hurt you by going to talk to him, but I needed to speak to someone about what we were going through.”

  “So you went to him? Why? Because he’s so fucking talented at relationships and love? Because for months he’s been taking care of the one person on this planet who he should cherish instead of sitting in his fucking shitty rooms above a closed up club and drinking himself into a pathetic shell? Yeah, he sounds like just the person someone would go to for love advice.”

  Shay frowned at my sarcasm and sat down on the bed in front of me. Looking up, she said quietly, “I can’t explain it, but Kane and I are friends. It’s like we’re similar in some way, like a brother and sister. He’s so different from you.”

  “Like you.”

  “No, it’s not like that. You and I are different, but now I know that it’s not a difference we can’t get past. We can.”

  “And you know this because you spoke to my asshole half-brother who never thought we should be together?”

  “I know this because he helped me to understand that all the problems we’ve been having have been all my fault. Mine, Stefan. Not yours. You’re the same guy I met all those months ago on my way out of my job interview, and I love you. But I’ve changed, and that’s the problem. Me, not you.”

  I stepped back in horror at her words. “Are you actually going to try to give me the ‘It’s me not you’ speech, baby? Really?”

  Shay jumped to her feet and shook her head. “No! That’s not what I mean at all. I’m just saying that it’s all me. All the problems we’ve had are because of me, Stefan. I changed. I got to be that boring scientist who doesn’t even know how to have fun anymore. I turned into someone who thought it was okay to degrade you about running a fantasy club, and for that I’m sorry.”

  “You just don’t get it, Shay. I don’t care about that shit. I never believed you thought there was something wrong with me owning a fantasy club anyway. No, the problem is you couldn’t talk to me but you could talk to Kane.”

  “Why is that such a problem? I know you two don’t always get along, but what does it matter how I figured out what was wrong as long as I know how to fix it? What does it matter?”

  “It matters because you knew!” I bellowed louder than I’d ever yelled before. “It matters because you knew how I felt about you two spending any time together and still you fucking ran to him. Just like you did that night out at my mother’s. You ran right to him.”

  Shay’s eyes filled with tears for the first time. She took a deep breath, trying to keep her calm, but what I’d said had finally gotten to her. Finally.

  “I’ve never cared for him at all, Stefan. I love you. Only you. I came back here because I was afraid I was losing you. I thought you were…”

  She stopped talking suddenly and swallowed the words she wanted to say, but I wanted to hear them.

  “What? You thought I was what?”

  Hanging her head, she said sheepishly, “I thought you might be going with other women.”

  I looked down at her in shock. For as long as we’d been together, I never wanted anyone other than her. Even when I had to go with Lola, I never wanted that. I just didn’t think I had a choice if I wanted to protect my brothers and the club. Shay was all I could think of from the moment I realized she wasn’t like anyone else I’d ever met.

  And now she was saying she came back from her dream job in Copenhagen because she thought I was cheating on her.

  “Why would you think that? Have I ever even gave you the impression I wasn’t crazy fucking in love with you, like out of my mind missing you so much in love every day you’ve been gone? And don’t say because of that thing with Lola because I’m not going to believe that for a second.”

  She shook her head and frowned. “I don’t know. We were fighting all the time, and it just felt like you were slipping away. You were here with all the club members and bartenders and dancers, and I was there with all those scientists and nothing else but work. I know it was wrong, but that’s why I came back. And then I felt stupid, like some ridiculous teenage girl who gave up everything for some guy because she was too insecure. So I became resentful toward you. I didn’t mean to, but I did.”

  Shay’s voice trailed off again as she began to quietly cry, but nothing inside me wanted to comfort her. For all this time, I’d been thinking I didn’t measure up. That I wasn’t enough to keep someone like her with me, and she’d let me believe that. To know that all that time the problem hadn’t been with me but with her hurt even more.

  “So you naturally thought that the man who professed his love every night when he talked to you must have been stepping out on you too. Well, you wouldn’t have thought that if it was Kane or Cash, but me? Of course I’d be sleeping around on you. I’m Stefan March, manwhore. Of course.”

  “It’s not like that and you know it. I’ve never thought that about you since we got together. We’re not like that, you and me.”

  “I have no idea what we’re like anymore, Shay. I just know I can’t go on like this with you.”

  Her eyes grew wide and she asked in a voice
full of fear, “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I’m leaving. You can stay here since I know you don’t have your place anymore and I’m going to stay out at my mother’s for a while. I think we need to spend some time apart.”

  She stood and grabbed onto my arm, looking up at me with a panicked look. “Why? I don’t need to be alone to fix this between us, Stefan. It’s all me. I know that now. I just have to remember that I never wanted to be that boring, angry person I’ve become. It’s not you. You don’t have to do anything.”

  Moving back from her, I said, “Yes, I do. You did the one thing I can’t live with, Shay. No matter how bad things were between us, all you had to do was come to me, but you didn’t. You went to Kane, and I can’t forgive you for that now. I’m tired of feeling like a second-class citizen when it comes to him, and I won’t do it with the woman I love.”

  “So you do love me? Then why can’t we work this out?”

  “Because sometimes love isn’t enough. I love you, Shay, but you left me last night and went to the one person who would want to see us broken up. That tells me everything I need to know. I don’t think you two slept together, but I can’t even think about that it hurts so fucking much. I just need to go.”

  I grabbed my gym bag and walked past her toward the living room, desperate to get the hell away before my emotions bubbled to the surface again. I didn’t want to yell or fight anymore. There just wasn’t anything left inside me for that now. Maybe a few days away from her would make me remember how much I loved her. I didn’t know. I just knew I had to get away.

  “Stefan, please! Don’t do this! I can change. I swear! I can fix this, but I can’t do it if you’re not with me.”

  I stopped at the door and turned around to see her crying behind me. All those months of missing her while she was so far away and worrying no matter what I did I wasn’t enough, and now there she stood begging me to stay. How much I would have given for her to do that just one night earlier.

  “Don’t call or text me. I need to figure out what I want to do now, and part of that is figuring out if I can forgive you.”

  “Don’t go. Please don’t go,” she said in a sad voice I understood all too well.

  “I’m so fucking tired, Shay. Tired of fighting. Tired of worrying I’m not good enough. Just so fucking tired. So I’m going to go to my mother’s house on the island.”

  Shay stopped crying and a look of confusion came over her face. “The one where Abbi is? Why?”

  “I doubt she’s still there since Saint Kane went to the hospital and finally pulled his head out of his ass after all these months. I want to be alone. For the first time in my life, I need to figure out what I want. Goodbye, Shay.”

  She said something as I closed the door, but it was too late. Whatever we’d been for all those months lay in shambles inside that condo and I needed to get the fuck away from it. I loved her, but I couldn’t go on like that anymore.

  By the time I got to the Anna Maria Island house, my mind was numb and my emotions were wrung out like an old dishrag. I already missed Shay more than I’d ever missed anyone, but something had to give. I didn’t know if we’d ever be back together again either.

  My mother’s caretaker, Travers, stood in the kitchen when I arrived and gave me one of his trademark broad smiles. “Mr. March, it’s good to see you back here again so soon. We don’t see enough of you out here.”

  I set my bag down and took a deep breath of sea air, filling my lungs with the familiar smell. “Thanks, Travers. I haven’t told my mother yet, but I’ll be your new houseguest now that Abbi is heading out. It’s like a revolving door here, isn’t it?”

  His face grew far more serious. “Oh, Miss Linde will be returning here after her stay in the hospital, your mother tells me. I’ll make up a room for you, though, right now.”

  “Take your time. It’s all good. I’m here for the duration, so no hurry.”

  Travers scurried off to set up my new bedroom, and as I took a few bites of pound cake the cook had left on the counter, I wondered what had happened to make Abbi come back to this place now that Kane had finally figured out how to man up to his responsibilities. Another less interesting thought raced through my mind too. With Abbi back here, my mother would follow and I’d have to explain why I wasn’t at my condo with Shay.

  Well, I’d cross that bridge when I came to it. For now, I needed to try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and if the woman I loved could play any part in that.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Abbi

  The car pulled up to the house where I’d spent months waiting for Kane, but now I felt different than I had then. I’d hoped all that time that he’d see I would brave anything, including his demons, for him. I still believed that, but something else had settled inside me.

  Something stronger. Now I had someone else to worry about than just the two of us.

  I looked out the window as Alexandria held my hand and Travers slowly brought the car to a stop, and on the porch I saw a familiar face waiting for us.

  “Why is Stefan here?” I asked, happy to see him for whatever reason.

  “He’s going to be spending a little time here. I told him not to bother you, but if you need anything, feel free to ask him.”

  I smiled at how she basically put her son at my beck and call, but I looked forward to some company now that I was returning here. He smiled and waved as he bounded down the stairs toward the door, so full of life and fun like always.

  “Welcome home!” he said with a laugh as he helped his mother out of the car and then me.

  “Stefan, I told Abbi you’d be around to help her if she needs it. I hope that’s okay.”

  Alexandria’s tone told everyone listening that her hope was far closer to a demand. Stefan just smiled and nodded. “I’m at your command, especially since I’m crashing your party here. How are you feeling?”

  “Stefan!” his mother sharply scolded, likely remembering what the nurses had told her about asking mothers of preemies about how they felt. They all had been very careful to remind me that even though I was leaving the hospital without Annalea, I shouldn’t worry because it would happen just as soon as her little body allowed. I knew that, so even though I’d left with a feeling of sadness, I believed she’d be home with me soon.

  His expression showed his confusion at what had been a perfectly fine question, and I waved his worry away. “It’s okay. I guess a lot of moms who don’t come home with a baby can feel pretty bad, but I know Annalea is going to be fine. I’ll be going there every day to see her, so it will be just a little while before she comes home for good.”

  Stefan’s smile returned and he nodded. “That’s the way to think. If she’s anything like her mom, she’ll be home in no time.”

  “Thanks, Stefan. I didn’t think I’d see you here, though. To be honest, you’re the last person I expected to see.”

  He grabbed my bag and in a low voice said, “You know how it is. Sometimes you just need to get away.”

  The sadness that flashed in his eyes told me that the happy expression he’d showed when we arrived was all an act. I didn’t know what had happened, but maybe since we were both feeling a little down we could bolster each other’s spirits.

  Alexandria and Travers buzzed around the house getting me settled in, and Stefan brought me an iced tea and joined me on the back porch to sit in the midday October sun. Unsure if I should ask why he needed to get away, I chose not to pry and instead just sat quietly until he finally spoke in his usual straightforward way.

  “I figured since Kane had finally done the right thing, you wouldn’t be coming back here, Abbi.”

  Something in his voice sounded worried, but I couldn’t imagine why he’d care that much since I remembered what he’d said to Alexandria that night he’d been out here for dinner. I may not have known Stefan well, but I understood there was no love lost between him and Kane.

  “Kane and I are going to have to wor
k things out,” I said quietly, still hurt by his admission that it had been Shay and not me who’d convinced him to finally return to me.

  “But you two are on your way to doing that?”

  I turned to look at Stefan and studied his face. Why was he worried? “I don’t know. Right now, he’s at least doing right by the baby, so I have to give him credit for that.”

  “Oh. Well, that’s good. At least he’s doing that right.”

  “You don’t like him much anymore, do you? Is it because of this—because of what he did with me?” I asked, curious to know what had changed for him toward Kane since the last days of Club X.

  Stefan took a deep breath and sat back in his chair. Looking out toward the water, he grimaced. “It’s a lot of things, I guess. You don’t need me dumping them all over you.”

  Reaching out, I squeezed his hand and smiled at him. “I might be the best person to talk to about being angry at Kane, so take your chance now. I can’t promise I’ll stay angry with him.”

  He turned in his chair to face me and shook his head. “How did you do it? How did you believe in him and you two for all those months when he wouldn’t even answer your calls or texts? I would have given up, Abbi.”

  I thought about what he asked and shrugged. “I couldn’t give up on him. I love him. Kane doesn’t mean to shut people out like he does. It’s just all he’s been through.”

  Instantly, Stefan’s body language changed and he folded his arms across his chest. “All he’s been through. My mother says things like that too. I’m not feeling that bad for him. He’s got you, that wonderful baby, money, everything he’s wanted for a long time. Considering where he started out, I’d say he’s hit the jackpot.”

  “You mean as the bastard son of your father?” I asked.

  Other people might have shied away from that description of Kane in front of me, but not Stefan. No, he nodded, setting his jaw defiantly. “Yeah. Not a bad turnout for him. He’s got you defending him, my mother defending him. Hell, I think my own brother likes Kane better than he likes his own flesh and blood.”