“What the fuck do you want?!” I demand. My breathing is labored, controlled by my wrath.
Yuki steps out from the shadows of the still standing and swaying trees. “Is it really necessary to stay on this secluded island?” she asks me. “It’s ghastly.”
“You live out the majority of your life in Terra and you’ve suddenly forgotten what the Dregs were like?” I ask her, forcing my logician to once again resume full command of my physical appearance.
She inspects the ends of her long dark hair, wet from the rain. “You still have the option of just… letting the girl go. You could keep busy with other things. If she’s out of sight long enough, she won’t plague your mind any longer.”
I snort at her. She still thinks that’s an option?
She drifts closer to me. Since I don’t give her any reason not to, she comes right up to me and catches my face in her hands. I lean down to meet her lips. She moves her hands underneath my soaked, and therefore useless, shirt, and pulls it up. I finish taking my shirt off for her. After I throw it onto the muddy ground below, she brings her hands to my chest and starts exploring every inch of my skin. The rage starts to leave as lust takes its place. If I can’t have what I want, I should indulge. If only my beast enjoyed this kind of interaction like it used to.
She slips her hands farther down my chest, until she’s feeling down the hard muscles of my stomach. Heat consumes me as I anticipate where she’ll put her hands next.
“Maybe it’s time to move on,” she suggests.
The heat I was feeling gets interrupted by a glimmer of irritation, but I don’t let it show.
She brings her hands to the edge of my pants and slowly glides her hands farther down my skin. Normally, I’d enjoy a slow buildup, but not when she’s doing it because she’s trying to convince me of something.
I catch her wrists in my hands and growl at her. “Just say what you want to say.”
“You could build a life here, Arsen,” she tells me as she reluctantly brings her hands down to her sides. “Not on this island, I mean somewhere on Terra. You could claim territory instead of always moving from one place to the next. You could build a powerful network of demons that even the angels would be stupid to combat. You’d never have to hide again. Forget the girl. Forget the angels. Let your anger go. I’ve been by your side all this time. We could have more, you know? We could build something together, make something beautiful.”
“What has gotten into you?” I ask, mystified. “I am no leader. I never have been, and I never will be. I don’t want a life here. I don’t want to settle down. We can’t make anything together because it isn’t up to either of us. Are you still pining for a child? Is that what you’ve wanted this whole time? Most female demons wait to seek out a male until they are able to conceive. So what’s your excuse?”
She shakes her head. “You know it’s not like that. I’m with you because I love you Arsen. I’ve loved you all this time, and I continue to love you. That’s why I put up with all of this. It isn’t what I want, but I’m willing to do anything if it means something to you, if it’s important to you.”
Of course, I know all of that. She’s trapped herself inside of a hell of her own making. The easiest way for her to be free of it would be to leave me. I’ve tried to force her to leave, years ago now, but she just came back, spouting off this nonsense about friendship, love, and how she cares for me above anyone else—even herself.
“You make your own misery,” I tell her.
“And you don’t?” she retorts, showing the slightest hint of aggression. She quiets it immediately, so I let it slide. “When I can conceive,” she says, “will you give me what I want?”
“What do you expect after that? Do you expect we’ll be a family like the humans? Because I assure you, that won’t be the case at all. I think you’ve been spending too much time with them. They’re confusing your beast.”
“And you haven’t?”
My hackles rise. “Don’t,” I threaten.
But she continues, “Surely you’ve had thoughts of something similar. You know how I feel because you felt it for her, didn’t you? You wanted to stay with her. You tried to stay with her through everything. What would you have done if I hadn’t been there? You would have died with Emma that day!”
The low rumble in my chest rips into the storm as a decisive growl. I leap for Yuki, pinning her to the ground. “Shut up! Don’t speak another word, or I’ll kill you!”
“This Tasia,” Yuki continues speaking, without a hint of fear in her night sky eyes, “this new human that has your head spinning. You said she’s done something to you. Does she make you feel how Emma made you feel? That’s what it looked like when you held her. But none of it is real. You know as well as I do that it’s impossible for the two of them to be related. Tasia is just a human girl you met a few months ago, and Emma is dead. That’s the truth, Arsen. Emma is never coming back and no matter how much you crave what she made you feel, it will never be the same. It’ll never be her. She’s gone. Why can’t you wake up and see what’s right in front of you? Why won’t you see me and build something new with me? What am I doing wrong?!” Tears spill from her eyes, obvious despite the rain only because of the wracking sobs shaking her body.
She cries, “Maybe you should kill me, Arsen. At least then I won’t have to feel this pain and torment any longer. At least then I’ll finally be free of this bond I can’t seem to escape. No matter what my logician tries to tell me, my beast knows life would be meaningless without you.”
The rage coursing through my veins is gone, like it was never there to begin with. “That’s enough,” I tell her. I unpin her from the muddy ground and pull her up to stand in front of me.
“You don’t love me at all, do you?” she asks, resting against me as she tries to control the sobs still shaking her body. “The only one you’ve ever loved is Emma. She’s the only one you will ever love. I’m just attempting the impossible.”
“That’s enough,” I repeat. I wrap my arm around her to bring her closer to me, as if that will be enough to stop her shaking.
“Just tell me, Arsen. Just tell me you don’t love me.”
I don’t say anything.
“Please,” she begs.
“I’m leaving the island,” I say.
Yuki desperately squeezes my arms. “Please,” she whispers again. “All this time I’ve been telling myself there’s a chance to win your love, but if I haven’t done it by now, I never will. Please, tell me.”
I choke. I don’t know what to tell her, but she’s begging me. I’ve never seen her like this. I’ve never seen her so broken, and I don’t know how to react.
“All I know,” I tell her, my voice low and raspy, “is that you’re the only one that’s been there, through everything. You’re the one who’s been there.”
She wipes at her eyes, but there’s a smile on her face now. “It seems like that’s all I’ll ever be good for.”
“You can leave, Yuki.”
She clears her throat and taps my chest. “Who else is going to protect you? You would have died a long time ago if it wasn’t for me.”
I gently move her sopping hair away from her face. “Yes,” I say. “Without you, I would have died a long time ago.”
I DO MY BEST to help Fiona and Divya prepare to hunt the demon I saw last night. Thanks to the news coverage on the town, I don’t have to retrace my steps on how to get there, but I have to do my best to remember where the beast led me after that. I can’t accurately say where we went by looking at a map. We can’t find any information about some huge cave in some obscure forest either. That means I’m going on my first mission.
I’ve been through training. I’ve been waiting for this, so I should be happy. But, now that it’s happening, I’m scared and I don’t feel ready at all.
After Gold Team and a handful of other teams Fiona has assembled have all their gear in place, we meet in the garage.
“How are you d
oing?” Rynne asks me.
“I’m okay,” I reply, though I’m not sure if I’m saying that because I’m trying to convince him I’m okay or if I’m trying to convince myself.
He sits beside me in one of the EEA’s armored vans. We’re taking a couple and four different teams because Fiona doesn’t want to take any chances with this demon. Rynne doesn’t know anything about this particular demon either, so we’re left with the general information he’s learned while hunting Arsen and other demons. The fact that this demon we’re hunting can level a town and draw monsters to him to massacre everyone living in it is enough reason to worry—and no one else even saw what I saw. Those words carry a different weight when you’ve seen it.
I shudder, and then I start shaking. I force my hands into my lap as I try to will my body to stop shivering.
Rynne places his hand on top of mine. I look up at him and he meets my gaze. His blue eyes are always soft and caring, but there’s a defiance in them now, like he’s trying to reassure me that we will be able to stop this demon.
“We have a long drive ahead of us,” Fiona announces. “Unfortunately, that means we aren’t going to arrive at our location until late at night. We usually try to avoid this kind of situation, but we have no idea how long this demon will sleep, or how long it will stay in this location.” She regards me. “Tasia, keep trying to astral project. Divya will continue to work with you the whole time we’re driving.”
“Okay,” I say meekly.
Divya’s been giving me a crash course on astral projection while we’ve been getting ready for this mission. She said I’m relatively safe from losing myself to the spirit plane, as long as I keep sight of my body in my mind’s eye and don’t stay away for more than a few hours at a time. She also told me the reason I was able to reach astral projection without any guidance is because of my powerful psychic energy, and because I had found a place of complete peace between my mind and spirit. I would disagree, but she’s right. Arsen wasn’t plaguing my mind, and I was at peace. For once, I was okay with everything going on. I accepted everything. I sank into true meditation with my black and white diamonds guarding me against spirits vying for my attention. Nothing was there to distract me. But I can’t find that peace again. I can’t find my way back to the spirit plane. It was a complete accident that I even managed astral projection in the first place. That’s the real reason Fiona’s bringing me along. She’s not bringing me because she thinks I’m ready for something like this. She’s bringing me because she has no other option.
Divya sits in the other seat next to me. “We’ll try again,” she says. “Just clear your mind. Try to relax. That’s all. Let yourself slip away.”
I nod. I remember the feeling. I’m just having a hard time finding it again. I’ve been feeling too anxious. I’m still feeling anxious. Thoughts of Arsen are flooding into my mind, mixed with this other demon I discovered. I’m worried. I don’t know how we’re going to stop something so powerful. Something so evil.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Rynne’s hand starts to move away from mine, but I grab it before his warmth recedes with it. Having his hand in mine makes me feel a little better—just like being close to him always does. I don’t open my eyes, so I’m not sure how he feels about my sudden aggressiveness, but he relaxes his hand; he must not mind too much.
Okay. Concentrate. Focus only on my breathing.
I do well at first, but then the van starts up and I listen to the sound of its engine instead. I feel its motion. I let those sensations pass over me before returning my attention back to my breath.
Divya’s probably already done it. She’s probably outside of her body watching me and waiting for me to get my act together.
Focus.
I take in the deepest breath I’ve taken all day. I try to focus on my breathing, but my mind wanders to Rynne’s hand resting in mine. I think about his warmth. It stems from where our skin is touching, but it’s a sensation that travels all the way through my body. This feeling is true and pure. It’s how loving someone is supposed to feel. It isn’t contradictory, and it isn’t a fabrication.
Then I center myself. I’m at peace. I accept everything around me. I’m safe.
The world starts to feel like its slowing down. The sounds of the van are like the distant waves of the ocean, or the low rumble of energy beneath the earth’s surface. Rynne’s hand, his warmth and comfort, is still there, but it’s slipping. I’m becoming detached from all of that because my awareness is expanding into the world of the unseen.
That’s when I see my body disappearing below me as I drift up and through the van’s roof.
“I knew you could do it,” Divya tells me. She’s sitting, cross-legged in the lotus position, on the top of the van, like she’s continuing to meditate despite being disconnected from her body. “I was projecting feelings of warmth, protection, and peace your way.”
“You can do that when you astral project?” I ask.
“With a lot of practice. Since we’re essentially ghosts when we do this, we can manage a lot of the same tricks and manipulations they can. The only difference is we have a living body to return to. We aren’t dead.”
“That’s why when we return to our bodies we won’t turn into zombies like spirits who are attempting to return to their dead bodies?”
“Exactly. As long as our bodies are alive, we can return to the living.”
She stands on the roof and then floats above it, joining me as we both follow behind the van, like balloons on a string.
“I’m ready,” I tell her as I will my body to fly forward.
“I’ll follow you.”
I didn’t realize last night how much faster we can travel when we astral project. Within moments the other hunters are out of sight. Our surroundings look familiar. I don’t have much trouble navigating us back to the destroyed town now crawling with police officers. What guides me there is almost more like muscle memory, because I don’t have to think about it. I’m just sort of taken there. Unlike last night, the town looks cold; it’s blanketed with a new sheet of snow. It’s more than that though. Something else is giving off that cold aura. It’s almost like the rubble is veiled in a ghostly mist… Wait, that’s not mist.
Divya lets out a startled gasp from behind me.
“It’s even worse in person,” she says, her voice barely audible. “I’m sorry you had to see this, Tasia.”
She has no idea. Neither do I, really. I feel kind of numb somehow, like I’m looking through someone else’s eyes, but the memory is so clear. I remember the screaming, the fire—that red skinned monster. I don’t have my body with me, so I don’t feel the sensations of the heat or cold, but I’m overcome with a feeling of dread that produces a chill all its own.
“I don’t want to go any farther,” I say the words before I realize I’m saying them.
We haven’t even made it into the town yet, but the closer we get to the ghost cloud, the more reluctant I feel.
“That isn’t mist or a fog, is it?” I ask quietly.
“No,” Divya states, “it’s not. Let’s go around it. There’s no telling what would happen to us if we got caught up in that mess of spirits. Do you think you can find your way to the cave if we take a detour?”
I shrug. I don’t know if I can or not, but I’m going to have to try, because there’s no way I’m going to fly through a tornado of vengeful spirits.
Willing my astral body to sink lower to the ground, I start leading Divya through the forest. This area isn’t familiar, which isn’t surprising. I didn’t go here last night, but before I dropped lower to the ground, I did see the direction we need to go, so I go north for a while and then west. It doesn’t take long after that to find familiar darkness. This new demon. Arsen. The energy they exude makes my skin crawl.
“From here, the monster kept heading north,” I tell Divya. Then I feel the need to ask, “Do you think he can… sense spirits?”
“Did he sense you last n
ight?”
I shake my head. He didn’t even look at me, so I’m guessing that means he had no idea I was there.
Divya nods. “There’s your answer.”
Soon the trees thin, and the large cave comes into sight. Even in broad daylight, the inside of the cave is dark except for the icicles and ice sheets reflecting the light. It’s impossible to see what’s inside just by standing at the mouth of the cave. I tell myself we just need to make sure the monster’s there and that he’s still sleeping. Then we can leave, but that all too familiar feeling of anxiety creeps inside of my soul. It’s something I can’t escape even when I leave my body.
I enter the cave first. My eyes automatically adjust like they did last night. I see the large, threatening creature exactly where I left him. He hasn’t moved an inch. He’s breathing deep and undisturbed. His eyes are closed. It’s like he doesn’t have a care in the world.
I look over at Divya, hoping she’ll tell me we can leave now. Being this close to this demon, even in my astral body, is very uncomfortable. I’m afraid. Very afraid.
Divya passes by me and takes a closer look. I want to scream at her to stay away from him, but that would only make things worse—especially if he somehow heard me. I focus on trying not to fall apart as I wait for Divya to finish her inspection.
I plead with my eyes when she looks over in my direction. She gives me a subtle nod and then floats back toward me. I follow her out of the cave as we rise high into the sky.
“I’ve never seen anything like that,” she confesses. “It’s… I’ve never felt such power.”
“I have,” I say. “Arsen feels the same way.”
TASIA’S BODY IS LIMP and slumped at my side. Even though her soul has left, her body is still alive, still warm and breathing. It’s a little disconcerting. I’ve never witnessed astral projection before. I still feel like I haven’t witnessed it. For someone like me who doesn’t have access to a sixth sense, it’s almost like Tasia’s just fallen into a deep sleep. The only difference is her breathing is much slower and shallower than it would be if that were the case. How long can the body last without its soul?
Hearts Lie (Undying Love, Book 1) Page 31
