I throw the heart to Blade when the body underneath me starts moving again.
“Crush it!” I yell. “Destroy it over and over until it stops regenerating!”
Blade doesn’t waste any time. She takes out her silver knife and does exactly what I told her to do.
“Give it back,” the demon wheezes from underneath me.
His body is becoming insubstantial. Everything about a natural angel or demon revolves around their heart. It’s the center point, the place where all wounds will recharge and heal. This demon has so much life essence, his heart will try to regenerate his body around it if he can’t place his heart back inside of his body first. I know this, but seeing it is something else. It’s grotesque. Amazing. Completely alien.
Blade stabs her silver knife into the demon’s heart and leaves it there. The heart keeps healing as quickly as it can, but the knife is acting as a constant barrier now, and the heart can’t heal. The silver is too potent and drains the demon’s life too quickly. Then it’s over.
When the heart stops beating, the rest of the demon’s body fades. I stumble down from the disappearing mound of flesh and lose my balance, but Tasia’s there to help support me before I can fall and hit the ground. She’s still shaking. She’s absolutely terrified, and she’s probably appalled by everything she just saw. Despite all of that, she’s somehow standing here, supporting me. She somehow saved Blade’s life. I thought things were going to play out differently. It seems I didn’t give Tasia enough credit today either. I underestimated everyone around me. I lacked faith in them. I lacked faith in God. The other angel or angels close by didn’t need to show themselves after all.
“A-are you okay?” Tasia asks me as she guides me out of the cave.
Divya has our medical supplies waiting outside of the cave, ready to patch everyone up. I should have shifted when I was alone with the demon. Maybe we could have avoided some of these hunters’ deaths. But my body was too injured to shift.
“Failure,” I mutter the word so no one but me can hear it.
“I’ll take care of Rynne,” Divya says.
She reaches out to help support me in Tasia’s place, but I show her I can walk on my own now instead. Then I sit down where she tells me to.
Divya addresses Tasia, “Go help the others.”
Tasia jerks her head in an up and down motion. If her outward appearance is any indication of what she’s feeling inside, I don’t know how she’s even standing right now. She’s barely holding herself together.
“Let’s have a look at you,” Divya tells me.
But I’m not really listening. I’m too busy watching Tasia disappear back into the cave. I know the demon’s dead, but I still don’t want her going back in there. The horrible sight of that place… I wish I could shield her from all of it. I wish her destiny didn’t involve any of this. She deserves so much better. She shouldn’t have to stand up and continue on like this when she isn’t okay.
Divya gingerly checks the parts of my body covered in blood.
“Does this hurt?” she asks once in a while, and I always tell her it doesn’t.
“You’re telling me you didn’t get hurt at all?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m fine.”
“How is that even possible? You were trapped in there alone with that thing. We all saw what was happening. At least five hunters died fighting it. This number of losses hasn’t happened on a mission since…” Her voice trails off. “In a long time,” she concludes.
“I’m the only one here with demon experience. I’d say we did well considering.”
I force a smile on my face, though I’m not sure why I do it. It doesn’t seem appropriate, given the situation. I’m supposed to act controlled. I’m supposed to give the proper responses. I’m supposed to be an angel, but the gesture just slips out like an insincere habit.
Divya regards me with concerned eyes. She doesn’t say anything.
Tasia comes back out of the cave again, helping another hunter out of the cave.
“I’m going to help them,” I say.
Divya doesn’t make me stay. I stop myself from going straight to Tasia. Nothing I say or do will help her right now, and there are other people that need our help more. Still, the human side of me knows the truth about what I feel. I’m acting on what I’m supposed to do as an angel, but as a human, Tasia is the one I care about above these other hunters. I hurt for them. I care about them, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same when someone you’ve never met is killed in a horrible accident. It doesn’t feel like the world is crashing down on you until you lose someone close to you. I know it’s not right, and I know it’s not fair. But that’s the difference between them and her. I can continue living if a few hunters are killed, but my world would end all over again if Tasia was killed. I am weak.
FIVE HUNTERS DIED. They were dead before we could do anything to help them, and that was the worst part. After the living were taken care of, we laid the deceased hunters together on the cave’s floor, the only dry area around, and burned their remains. The EEA made it a policy to burn remains after someone has passed. It discourages their spirits from staying here.
Rynne offers a prayer for their souls, and then he comes back to stand beside me while Fiona lights their remains. Those of us still alive watch silently, paying our respects. I haven’t cried, but it’s not because I’m not sad. It’s like my emotions can’t figure out what to settle on. I don’t know how to react to this anymore. Is this what it means to become desensitized? Is this what it means to see something so many times that it starts to… become normal?
But I don’t want this to be normal.
Rynne’s standing so close to me that his arm brushes against mine. I wish he’d do more. I wish he’d just take me in his arms so I can feel his warmth, so that I can be reassured that he’s still here with me. Maybe he wants to, but he’s holding back. He always seems to be holding something back. Not that I can blame him. I’m not much different.
We take the long walk back to our vehicles, trudging through snow with relief as well as heavy hearts. By the time we reach them, it’s late morning. I sit by Rynne on our drive back, just like I did on the way here. I still have him, Fiona, and Divya. I feel dirty for thinking it, but I’m glad they aren’t among those who died. I’m glad.
My eyelids start to droop. That’s when I realize how tired I am. I’ve been up for more than 24 hours. Now that anxiety isn’t pumping through my veins anymore, my body’s begging for sleep. I brush my fingers across the crystals dangling from my neck. I beg them to send me to a world with happy dreams. It doesn’t matter that the dreams aren’t real, as long as I believe them in the moment.
I do something I probably wouldn’t do if I was thinking clearly. I lay my head against Rynne’s shoulder, and I breathe him in as I close my eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but I feel the warmth of his hand as it creeps to mine, placed on top of my lap. Maybe I just need to ask him for more if I want more. Life’s too short to keep tiptoeing around each other like this. It won’t hurt anything to at least tell him how I feel. It won’t hurt anything—unless he doesn’t feel the same way.
I’m startled awake when I hear a door slam shut. I shoot upright into a sitting position just to get attacked by my seat belt. That’s when I remember I fell asleep in the van. I quickly undo my seat belt.
“We’re back,” Rynne says simply as the other hunters riding with us file out of the van.
He holds out his hand to me when I haven’t gotten up. I’m still exhausted, but I take his hand. Sleeping alone in the van doesn’t sound that appealing.
“Did you have sweet dreams?” he asks.
“If I did, I don’t remember,” I reply, “but it’s better than having nightmares.”
We join everyone in the garage and Fiona addresses us, “You should all get some rest. We’ll get together later to figure out what new information we should include about demons in the database.” She looks at Rynne when she says
this last part.
Rynne nods wearily. I hadn’t noticed how tired he looks until this moment. Did he stay awake the whole drive back?
When everyone disperses, leaving the garage, I catch Rynne’s hand. I have to do this now before I lose the nerve. I can’t wait anymore.
“Something wrong?” he asks.
I let go of his hand. I’m already getting cold feet. Second thoughts. Is this really a good idea?
“There’s… something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” I say. My voice is so quiet I’m not sure he can hear me.
“I’m listening.”
I look at my fingers and fidget in that horrible habit of mine. “Before all of this happened, I mean. There was something…” I stare at my feet now, so that my gaze is even farther from his. “I thought maybe I shouldn’t say anything, after everything that’s happened, but that’s why I decided I need to say it now. I need to…”
Rynne laughs softly, melodious like wind chimes. “You’re not making any sense.”
“I won’t say it, then,” I compromise. “Come closer and I’ll show you.”
Tilting his head slightly, Rynne does as I ask. We’re standing inches away from each other now.
“Closer,” I whisper.
This time he leans down.
“Closer,” I say one last time.
“I’m not going to be able to see whatever you’re trying to show me if I get any closer.”
I don’t wait any longer. I meet his lips and offer a light kiss. He looks shocked, his beautiful blue eyes wide and questioning. My embarrassment takes over and I run. I don’t want to know what he thinks right now. If he’s going to reject me, if he doesn’t have these kinds of feelings for me—I don’t know! I can’t think straight, but I did it. I actually did it. After all this time. That’s something. Now I can only hope that acting like an idiot and running away doesn’t ruin it.
SHE KISSED ME. Tasia kissed me, and then she just ran away, leaving me alone in the garage.
I start to laugh. I replay the scene over again in my mind. She worked up the courage to kiss me, but she couldn’t bring herself to face me afterward? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose?
But she kissed me. I bring my fingers up to my lips. The short lived sensation of her lips on mine is still there, buzzing with electricity. Despite what the oracle told me, I wasn’t going to take this step. I was never going to kiss Tasia because I knew I’d want to do it again. And I do. The kiss she gave me wasn’t nearly long enough. It was like a greeting kiss. I want to find her and kiss her again right now. I want her to know just how much she means to me.
I leave the garage and take a moment to clean up and change my clothes. Then I make my way to Tasia’s room. Her door is shut, but I’m almost positive she’s inside. I let my knuckles hover by the wood for a moment. Maybe I shouldn’t do this.
“Your feelings are valid.”
I knock.
Tasia opens the door. She looks at me just long enough to identify me, and then she brings her eyes down to her feet.
“Do you want to come in?” she asks.
I reply, “If you don’t mind.”
She moves to let me in and shuts the door behind me—but she still won’t look at me.
She chatters, “L-look. I’m sorry if I caught you by surprise. I mean, it was really sudden and presumptuous. Oh God, and if you didn’t—”
“Tasia.”
She finally meets my eyes. Hers are moist with tears threatening to spill over.
“Don’t apologize,” I whisper.
I wipe away a stray tear that falls down her left cheek with my thumb, and I let my touch linger. Her eyelids flutter. The sight makes my heart beat faster. My fingers glide down the soft skin of her cheek and to her jaw. Then I lean down and kiss her. It’s a chaste kiss. But unlike the kiss before, this one isn’t rushed.
I’m about to pull back before I’m tempted to kiss her more intently, but she brings her hands to either side of my face, inviting me to stay a little longer. She kisses me back, diving in a little deeper than before.
I can’t remember ever feeling so alive. I can’t remember enjoying a moment as much as I’m enjoying this moment right now. I’m glad she broke the ice and kissed me. I wouldn’t have made a move otherwise. I would have been too scared to. But this is right. I know it in the way we’re reading and answering each other without words. I know it because she won’t let me quit until our feelings have been made entirely clear. There’s no more hiding for either of us.
“I love you, Rynne,” Tasia whispers. “All this time I’ve been in love with you, but then I saw you kissing that girl and I thought…”
I push back loose strands of her hair from her face. “I’m sorry, Tasia. I didn’t realize. That kiss wasn’t supposed to happen. It was a mistake,” I tell her, though it isn’t entirely true. It’s easier to tell her I made a mistake rather than trying to explain it as a greeting. There isn’t an identity I can assign to Imae to even try to justify that explanation.
“Why did you kiss her then?”
“Wanted to see what it’s like, I suppose.”
I hate lying to her. As the words escape my lips I feel a pang in my chest. I wish I could tell her the truth about Imae. I wish I could tell her the truth about me, but the oracle hasn’t given me permission to make angels known. When he said my feelings are valid, did he expect me to follow them and to continue lying? I’m tired of lying, so very tired of it.
Tasia hums softly. “Well, now that I know what a real kiss can feel like, I can definitely see why people do it,” she says. “Though, you’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to kiss. It’s even better than I imagined it would be.”
She allows a small smile to grace her lips. Then she starts twirling a strand of hair around her finger, another nervous habit.
I take her hand in mine to stop her from fidgeting. “I love you, Tasia. I’ve loved you since the day I met you.”
Her eyes go wide. “You what? Is that why you became friends with me and the twins right away? I mean, but that’s… how can you know you love someone when you’ve just met them?”
“Haven’t you ever heard of love at first sight?” I smile.
“More like lust at first sight,” she replies almost automatically.
“That’s a cynical way of looking at it.”
“But why else would someone think they’re in love with someone they don’t even know?”
I move over to the edge of Tasia’s bed. “Mind if I sit?”
She shakes her head and then comes over to seat herself beside me. She looks at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.
“I won’t say that there is no such thing as lust at first sight,” I say, “but there must be a reason for the term soul mates. You’ve heard stories of people who knew the other was their soul mate before they ever spoke to them. Haven’t you?”
She shrugs. “I suppose. Maybe.” She takes my hand and squeezes. She’s getting braver already. There isn’t any hesitation in the action now. “Now that you mention it though,” she whispers, “I have always felt something special for you since the day you first came to Reverie. You’re warm, Rynne. You’re always warm and comforting, inviting. It’s more than that, though. It was so easy to become friends with you. Even Didi and Connor had a hard time getting me to open up to them, but talking and being with you has always been natural, like breathing.”
I try to swallow the lump forming in my throat. “Tasia, there are things about me you don’t know. They’re things I can’t tell you, not yet. Maybe not ever. But if you ever learn the truth, you have to promise me something.”
She looks at me incredulously. “Okay?”
“Remember that I love you, and that I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
The room falls silent. Tasia stares at our intertwined hands, and then she slowly unravels them. She opens my palm and begins tracing over my skin with her pointer finger. The simple action nearly drives me out of my skin.
“Okay, Rynne,” she says as she continues tracing my hand. “I’ll remember. But you can always talk to me, you know? About anything. I’ll listen.”
“Thank you.”
I catch her hand before the shivers she’s sending through my body become unbearable. Then, before I realize it, Tasia kisses me again. This kiss is short, and much like our first, but she doesn’t run away this time.
We sit side by side, enjoying each other’s company. We’re already close, but somehow we grow closer still, until I’m holding her with one arm wrapped around her waist as she rests her head on my shoulder. She’s still exhausted even after her nap on the way here.
“You should get some rest,” I tell her.
“I’ll rest later,” she murmurs.
“Rest now.”
I stand up and then scoop her up into my arms. She lets out a little surprised squeak, but then she’s smiling and she wraps her arms around the back of my neck. I smile in return. Then I lay her down on her bed.
“Sweet dreams,” I whisper and kiss her cheek.
She’s already having a hard time keeping her eyes open by the time I’ve made my way across her room and to her door.
“Rynne,” she calls, “see you when I wake up?”
“Yes, we’ll see each other again soon.”
I flick the light switch off and exit the room before I lose control and give in to the urge to stay with her. That would be taking things too far.
I linger by her shut door for a moment, leaning against it. Then I bring my fingers up to my lips again. That was real. All of that was real. The energy still buzzing on my lips is real. And I couldn’t be happier.
“WELL, IF IT ISN’T Arsen,” Uden, the demon owner and bartender of the Mermaid Pub greets me with his sly, serpent-like smile. “What brings you my way? Information no doubt.”
I push away the questionable looking martini he tried giving to me when I first got here. There are times I enjoy alcohol, but it has to taste appealing. The fact I can’t get drunk off the stuff puts me off at times. I envy the easy escape mortals can take from it.
Hearts Lie (Undying Love, Book 1) Page 33
