by Linda Ford
“And how would you do that? By marrying?” Her voice had grown low.
“Yes.” As soon as he said the word he knew he’d given her reason to refuse his offer.
“So don’t be offering to marry me when it’s not what you want.
“If we married, it would be different.” He tried to think how it would be.
“Yes, because you don’t love me, so you wouldn’t feel any sorrow if something happened.”
“That is not true. I take my responsibilities very seriously.”
“Exactly. Every woman’s dream is to be a serious responsibility.” She faced forward. “I’ve lived a life where I didn’t matter. I certainly don’t intend to willingly enter into an agreement that keeps me in that position.”
“It’s not like you don’t matter. Didn’t I spend the night proving that?”
“You did and I’m most grateful. But it’s not reason enough to marry.”
Warren scrubbed at his forehead. Why were they having this conversation? It wasn’t like he wanted her to marry him.
But neither did he want her to keep finding reasons to refuse him.
Polly leaned over the bench. “My legs hurt. They’re not used to not moving for so long.”
Warren chuckled. “That might be so, but you’ll have to find a way to exercise them in the confines of the wagon.”
Polly grunted. “Uncle Sam would be very unhappy at the way you are treating me.” She withdrew again.
Guilt clawed at Warren’s gut. “Am I being unfair?” he asked Mary Mae.
“Better you decide the duration of her punishment than Buck. I think he might have confined her to the wagon until we reach Bent’s Fort.”
Polly kicked at the trunks and banged her feet on the floor.
Warren and Mary Mae looked at each other and shook their heads though he saw a hint of humor intertwined with her resignation. A grin widened his mouth that she didn’t let Polly’s misbehavior make her cross. Gina had—
He jerked forward at the disloyal thoughts that rushed to his mind. Gina had not coped well with Reggie’s growing independence. She hadn’t dealt well with challenges. Had whined and withdrew at the rigors of running a household and caring for a child. It was part of the reason he had distanced himself and why he had paid little attention to her complaints the last time he left.
“What’s wrong?” Mary Mae asked.
He realized he had groaned. “Thinking of the past and my regrets.”
“Does it not get easier with passing time?”
“Not when the truth slaps me in the face as it did just now.”
Out the corner of his eye she saw how she studied him, but he kept his attention on the mules.
“Care to tell me about it? I’ve heard talking—like walking—is good for the soul.”
Polly thumped louder. He welcomed the distraction. If he concentrated on the sound he could stomp his thoughts back into place.
“I just realized how badly I failed Gina.” Why couldn’t he stop the words from slipping out?
“Is that new?” Her voice was neutral but he sensed she was trying to make him understand he went over old material that should have grown distant.
“I thought Gina was weak and whining.” He told her his revelation. “It is unfair of me to judge her in such a way.”
“Unless it’s true.” Still the neutral voice.
“Even if it is true, why didn’t I try harder to please her? Or even hire help for her?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you were young and foolish.”
He sat back as her judgment of him and then laughed. “I can’t deny it.”
She looked right at him, her dark eyes flashing. “Thankfully you seem to have outgrown it.”
His laugh cut off as her gaze challenged him and did more than that. It searched out hidden places in his heart, demanding he examine the contents honestly. “Maybe I have.” He sat back, a peace he had not thought possible, seeping into the dark places. “Maybe I have.”
Polly stomped forward, causing the mules’ ears to twitch. “It’s not fair.”
He sighed. “Part of your punishment is for you to think about the danger you put yourself and others in. So far, I have seen nothing but feeling sorry for yourself. It makes me think you might need longer than I said in order for you to learn your lesson.”
“Humph.” She remained pressed to the bench, her breath hot against his neck. “All I want is for you and Mary Mae to get married so I can have a home.” She turned to breathe down Mary Mae’s neck. “You care about him. Why can’t you marry him?”
It was on the tip of Warren’s tongue to remind Polly she had promised to drop the subject, but he waited, wanting to hear Mary Mae’s answer.
“I care about Frenchie, and Buck, and Pete and the others. It doesn’t mean I am going to marry any of them.”
Warren sank deeper to the seat. Why had he hoped she felt differently toward him? And why did it matter if she did or didn’t? They were only traveling companions sharing the care of a ten-year-old child. They would part ways at the end of the trail.
What would become of Polly? Yes, he’d take care of her, take her with him on the trail, but was that enough for her? He allowed a fleeting thought of seeing her settled in a real home and then he slammed the door to the idea.
Buck called for the noon break. Warren welcomed the stop. It would give him something to do besides think of the two he shared the wagon with.
Mary Mae wished they would continue without stopping. She knew Donna Grace would have built up a legion of arguments in the hopes of convincing Mary Mae to marry Warren.
She let Warren help her down and while he took the mules to water, she busied herself with getting out cold food for the meal.
Donna Grace sidled up to her.
Mary Mae sighed quietly as she took the tin of biscuits from the larder. She knew she couldn’t avoid her sister, but had hoped she would take the hint that she didn’t want to talk.
“I’ve been thinking,” Donna Grace began.
“I’m sure you have.” She took the tin to where the others set out the food they would share.
“You cannot ignore the damage to your reputation.”
“I don’t see why not.” She cut open two biscuits and put in slices of cooked meat.
“Because no one else will.” Donna Grace changed little Elena’s diaper and lay her on a blanket to stretch.
“Should that matter to me?” She took lunch to Polly.
Donna Grace waited, armed and ready when Mary Mae returned. “Warren is a good man. You won’t find better.”
Judith prepared food for Anna. “I know he’s my brother, but I agree.”
“That might be so.” What was the point in arguing the matter?
The men returned and the women thankfully left off the discussion. Dare she hope they would forget it?
The men ate hurriedly, then the teamsters stretched out for a rest.
Warren, Luke, Gil and Buck moved off, deep in conversation.
Mary Mae stared after them, wishing they had stayed to prevent the women from pressuring her.
Donna Grace didn’t waste a minute before she began again. “This is about Randolph, isn’t it?”
“Randolph?” Judith and Mrs. Shepton leaned close, anxious for details.
Donna Grace took it upon herself to explain. “Mary Mae was engaged to be married to him and he left her to go in search of gold.”
Judith patted Mary Mae’s hand. “I know how much it hurts to know you’re not enough to make a man stay.”
Mrs. Shepton pressed a hand to Mary Mae’s shoulder. “The man didn’t know the gold that was right before his eyes… you.”
The woman’s kind words brought a sting of tears to Mary Mae’s eyes, but she blinked them away. “I’ve had a string of promises made to me by men and as readily broken by them, and it wasn’t just Randolph. He was simply the last straw.” At the surprise in her sister’s eyes, she continued. “Papa always promi
sing to stay and never staying. Grandfather promising to take care of us, then planning to send us away.” She rocked her head back and forth. “I don’t need any more broken promises.”
The women were silent a moment, and then Judith said, “What promises has Warren made?”
Mary Mae blinked as she sought for an answer to Judith’s question.
Judith waited a moment. “Except to marry you to protect your reputation?”
Mary Mae could have hugged Buck for calling at that moment for them to be on their way. But at Warren’s side as they resumed the journey, thoughts reverberated through her head.
She would not marry to satisfy public opinion. How would that give her what she wanted? The trouble was, she didn’t know what she wanted. A home, yes. A family, yes. Both of which required a husband, but she didn’t trust men to put aside their interests for her or a family. Exactly what Warren had failed to do. But she wanted him to believe he had grown and changed since those days. How could she convince him he wasn’t the same man he’d been back then? By refusing his offer of marriage did he think she didn’t trust him?
Did she trust him? And if so, did she trust him enough to put her future in his hands?
10
Warren had seen the women in deep conversation, had seen Mary Mae shake her head. Judith had leaned closer to speak to her. He knew they had been discussing him.
“Were the women giving you advice?” he asked Mary Mae, curious as to what they had to say about him.
“Same old message. My reputation is ruined and the only remedy is to marry you.”
“Yeah, the men cornered me and insisted I should marry you.” He chuckled though not out of amusement. “What do they expect me to do? Hog tie you and force you to sign the reverend’s record book?”
She laughed, though he wondered if there was any amusement in the sound. “They can’t make us do something we don’t want to.”
Polly sang at the top of her voice, doing her best to be annoying.
He ignored her as did Mary Mae. He figured the sooner Polly realized her behavior wasn’t going to make him change his mind, the sooner she would get over her anger.
She stopped singing. No sound came from the back. Warren’s spine tingled and he turned around. His heart slammed into his ribs at the sight of Polly hanging head first over the tailgate.
Mary Mae had looked back, too, and gasped.
“Polly,” they shouted in unison. “Get back inside.”
Warren eased the wagon to a halt as the child struggled to right herself.
She faced them, her hair awry and her cheeks red from hanging upside down. “Now can I get out?”
“No. Now you can ride between us.” He waited for Polly to inch her way forward, moving as slow as possible. He helped her to the bench and she settled between them.
“Why are you behaving this way?” he asked. “Sam would be disappointed.”
Polly burst into tears.
Mary Mae drew her close and stroked her hair. “There. There. Of course, you’re unhappy and sad, but misbehaving is not good.”
Warren patted Polly’s arm. If he needed further proof that he wasn’t husband and father material he’d just provided it by upsetting the child. But then what kind of guardian would ignore such rash behavior? Certainly not one concerned about the safety of a child. “I’m sorry to be cross with you but you can’t keep doing things that are dangerous.”
Polly sniffled. “I know. I’m just so disappointed.”
“Remember your promise.”
“Oh, very well.” She sat up. “You make it hard for me to be good.”
“Really? How is that?”
“If you would just see the sense in what I want, it would save us all a bunch of trouble.” She crossed her arms and favored him with an accusing look.
He met Mary Mae’s gaze over Polly’s head. She grinned. “Yes, if we would just be more agreeable everyone would be better pleased with us.”
Warren laughed. “True.”
Mary Mae grew serious. “Except we don’t want to live our lives to satisfy others.”
Polly nodded. “Uncle Sam said we should live our lives to please God.”
“He was right.” Warren remembered the many discussions he and Sam had had on the subject. “Sam said the best way to do that was to live every moment of every day trusting God for all we need.”
Polly nodded. “I’m trying to do that. Trust God for what I need. Now if only you would cooperate.”
Mary Mae burst out laughing. “Sooner or later you are going to have to give up on telling God what to do. That isn’t trust.” Her gaze met Warren’s. “That might be something I need to remember, too.”
“And I.”
Mary Mae settled back, her expression thoughtful as she watched the passing landscape.
Warren also sank back into his thoughts. What did trusting God look like in his life?
After a bit, Polly climbed into the back and settled down quietly.
“Finally,” he murmured to Mary Mae.
“Let’s hope it lasts.”
As they travelled, he kept checking the sky. This morning, the sun had shone brightly, perhaps lulling them into thinking they had nothing to fear from the weather, but as the afternoon passed, the clouds thickened in the sky. Dark and foreboding. He had no desire to ride into the face of a furious storm.
He glanced about for any sign of Gil or Buck. He didn’t see either of them, but saw the others huddled down into the warmth of their coats and shawls. He leaned out to see the teamsters. With heads down into the wind, they drove the animals who plodded forward with reluctance. Several animals balked and the driver snapped his whip and yelled for them to keep going. Seems the animals and men all sensed the impending change.
Where was Buck? He should be ordering a halt.
The sound of hoofbeats drew his attention to the other side of the wagon. Buck rode up. “We can’t hope to outrun this storm, and I have no desire to wander about without being able to see. Gil has a campsite just ahead. We’ll stop there and prepare for what’s coming.”
Mary Mae waited until Buck rode down the line to grab Warren’s arm. “We’re going to have another snow storm, aren’t we?”
“Looks that way. Look at the mules. See how they fidget. They sense it.”
Mary Mae looked at the mules, checked the sky then looked back at Polly. “At least we’ll know where she is.”
The wind drove cold through his bones. He grabbed a blanket from the back and wrapped it about Mary Mae. Polly huddled under another blanket without being told. She scowled at him as if he had brought out the cold weather.
He turned forward before he grinned and leaned closer to Mary Mae. “Someone is very unhappy with us.”
“I know. Truly, I hate to disappoint her, but what can we do?”
It was on the tip of his tongue to say, marry me and we’ll make a home together. But she deserved more. More than he could guarantee her.
Gil rode toward him and signalled them to follow. He guided them to a spot offering some shelter from a small grove of trees and the river nearby for a water source.
At Gil’s direction, they circled the wagons. This time they made two circles, the smaller wagons in the center, the bigger ones encircling them. The women hurried to gather up a goodly supply of firewood while the men watered the animals and let them graze. Knowing the wind would get through the least opening, Warren and the others made sure the canvases were firmly lashed in place. The animals were corralled and a fire started. Gil suggested they set food to cook while they could and make hot drinks.
“We won’t be moving until this blows over.”
Polly leaned out of the wagon. “I could help if you let me get out.”
It was far too soon to let Polly out. “You’ll be there until tomorrow.”
“But what if I get blowed away?” Polly managed to sound as frightened as a three year old.
Warren laughed. “I’ll catch your feet as you fly
by.”
“Humph.” She ducked out of sight.
Mary Mae nudged Warren. “Poor child. She’s used to being more active.”
They stood side by side, elbow to elbow, sharing concern for Polly.
Wanting to ease Mary Mae’s worry, Warren draped his arm across her shoulders. “I’m sure she’ll be okay. And she does need to think about the foolishness of her behavior. The consequences could have been far worse.”
“Worse than thinking you have to marry me?”
Her tone was neutral so he couldn’t tell if she meant to tease him. Or was she hurt by the fact he’d only asked her out of necessity?
He could see how she might feel that way. But what could he say? His only reason for offering to marry her was out of a sense of duty, a need to protect her name, but it wasn’t as if he didn’t care about her. Perhaps he should thank her for turning him down. Marriage and family were his greatest dream, but not something he was willing to risk his heart over.
Besides, she deserved far better than he could offer her.
He was about to explain all that to her when the first flakes of snow began to fall. The wind had moderated. The snow fell softly, seemingly posing no threat.
Gil joined them around the fire. “Best take shelter. I don’t like the looks of this.”
They covered the pots simmering by the fire and left them to finish cooking, filled coffee cups and headed for their respective wagons.
Warren helped Mary Mae into the back, and secured the flaps on both ends. He took in the scene before him before he tied the last knot.
The teamsters had taken shelter in their wagons.
Buck hurried to one of the freight wagons and jumped in.
The falling snow had silenced the sounds around them as it fell heavier and heavier. All sorts of worries tangled through Warren’s mind. Would the canvases tear under the weight of the snow? Would the animals wander off? How cold would it get? When would the snow end?
Whatever happened, he was safe and Mary Mae and Polly were safe. He could ask for nothing more. He tied the last knot and turned toward the woman and child in his care.
That’s when it hit him.
He was with an unmarried woman. For the second time. He turned and began to undo the knots.
