This close, I could smell him, and that smell betrayed me. That was the smell of comfort and of love. Of being close to someone. My hands itched to reach for him, and my eyes strained to look at him, but that was no longer allowed. I had to be with him in this confined space and act like he was a stranger.
Could the damn elevator move any slower?
He stood in the corner, his body ramrod straight, as though he wanted to take up as little space as possible.
I sank my teeth into my lip and dug my nails into my palms, those small sensations calming the bigger mess going on inside me.
And not once on the whole ride down did he look at me or make a move to acknowledge I existed.
Maybe I’d been wrong about this whole thing. Maybe he’d only pretended to care because I’d chased after him so intently. Now he was happy to have the whole thing over and done with.
But could that be true? That glimmer in his eyes when we laughed together—he couldn’t fake that. The kisses, the touches. But then, he’d never made a move to have to sex with me. Could he have only ever wanted to be friends? The thought that I’d railroaded him into more than that made me blush with a horrible, prickly heat.
Then, just as the doors started to open, he turned, and his gaze met mine. A mere half-second, but it threw me. It threw me hard. I didn’t want this cold distance between us. I wanted to hurl myself into his arms. This coldness went against everything in my nature. The only place in this world for me was with Crow. My heart belonged to him as surely as if he stamped his name on it.
Before I could act, he walked out of the elevator, and I came to my senses. Of course my place was beside him, but only if we worked all of this out. We couldn’t be together when he closed himself off so completely. Forcing that would only make trouble in the long run. I had to stand by what I’d said. If Crow wanted me, he had to come to me himself.
That thought made me want to weep.
Polly waited for me in the lobby, and she kept up a stream of chatter about plans for Wreckage. I was pretty sure she was only doing it to keep my mind off Crow, and for a while, it worked.
Just before we got in the van, I was sure Crow looked at me again. I had that prickly feeling on the back of my neck. It took all of my willpower not to turn around and look back at him. Again, I balled my hands with my nails pressing into my palms. If that’s that was what it took to keep me strong, I’d keep doing it.
For the first time ever, I didn’t look forward to getting onstage. I didn’t want to be in the limelight. I wished tonight was already over so I could crawl back into my bed. Life had become too hard.
Chapter 27
THE NEXT DAY, I DECIDED I had to face up to facts. Crow couldn’t meet with his sister, and I needed to tell her. She deserved that much. I also needed to apologize for my own stupidity. I’d misled her into thinking he wanted a reconciliation, and that was the worst thing I could’ve done.
I rang her and arranged to meet her in the early afternoon.
“There’s a cafe downstairs,” she said. “I’ll meet you there.”
I turned up early, my mind all over the place. This would be one of the hardest things I’d ever done. I hope she took it okay. I would never interfere like this again. Never.
It was one of those chintzy hotel cafes, all fancy china and teapots. The kind of place where I was scared I’d brush against something and break it.
As soon as she walked into the cafe, I recognized her. She had the same eyes as Crow, the same black hair. Even the way she walked was similar to him.
I caught her eye and waved. When she sat down, I wasn’t sure how to start.
“I really have to apologize,” I said. “I think I’ve made a big mistake.”
She nodded.
The fancy waiters came over and took our order. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. This wasn’t a time to eat. I just asked for a coffee. She ordered tea.
“He doesn’t want to see me,” she said. “I wondered.”
I picked up the salt shaker and twirled it in my hand. “He misses you,” I said. “I think he wants to see you, but he’s too proud and too shut off.”
I kept twirling that salt shaker, not looking up. Too cowardly to face the disappointment I’d see in her eyes.
“It was all a mess,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking straight at the time, and by the time I realized what was happening, I’d been taken away to live with relatives. For a long time, I was angry, but then the anger faded. By then, it was too late. Crow had disappeared. I tried contacting some of his old friends, but no one knew how to reach him. I guess I could’ve tried harder, but I didn’t want to face that he might not want to ever speak to me again.”
The waiter arrived with our drinks. Cindy took the teapot by the handle and began rotating it in small circles.
“Of course I’ve followed his career,” she said. “But that just made it more difficult to get in touch. He made himself inaccessible. But I had to come here if there was even a tiny chance he’d forgiven me.”
She sighed.
I wanted to say something to make it right, but there was nothing. He was unrelenting. I wasn’t sure if he’d give either of us a chance. That made me sad, not just for us but for him too, holding all that hurt inside.
Cindy kept swirling that teapot. I looked at my coffee but had no interest in drinking it.
“He’s hurting,” I said. “He keeps it all inside.”
She nodded. “I think for a long time, I did too. I wanted to believe everything was okay, but we’d lived through hell. Our father wasn’t a good man.”
I nodded.
“He told you? I wasn’t sure how much you knew. He never told anyone, ever. A few times, at school, we got sent to speak to people, counsellors and the like. The teachers suspected things weren’t right at home. But Crow pushed away their help. He said we’d deal with things on our own. And then...”
“He told me everything.”
“The two of you must be close.”
“We were.”
I thought we had been. But I’d been wrong, or he’d never have pushed me away so easily. He’d shaken my confidence.
“I wanted to help. That’s why I got in touch with you. But I did the wrong thing.” I kept staring at that coffee. “He hates me now.”
“He doesn’t hate you. He just has his own ways of coping, and those ways hurt people.”
I wanted to ask her so much. Questions about their childhood and what Crow had been like, but I didn’t want to drag up painful memories for her. I’d drink my coffee and leave.
“I feel awful,” I said. “You came all this way for nothing.”
“That was my decision, though. I’m glad you messaged me. At least now I know he has people around him who care. Please, don’t let him push you away. Even if he seems cold or closed off, don’t let him. He needs people, although he’d never admit it.”
I smiled because I wasn’t sure what to say. I could stay close to him, but I couldn’t do any more than that. I wasn’t sure how much I could take of him pushing me away, either.
“Are you going home soon?” I asked.
“Tomorrow,” she said. “I have to get back to work.”
She poured her tea. Suddenly, she looked up. I followed her gaze.
Crow had walked into the cafe. He looked around as though he was searching for someone. Was he here to see Cindy? He had to be.
“Maybe I should leave,” I said. “I don’t want to intrude.”
But Crow walked over to our table and sat down before I had a chance to leave.
Chapter 28
“WE NEED TO TALK,” HE said.
“I’m just about to go,” I said. “I’ll give the two of you some time alone.” I stood up and grabbed my bag.
“No. Stay,” he said.
This just got awkward. The three of us sat at the table, no one saying a word. The clink of china and the conversations carried on around us, but at this table, it was like life had stopped. I wanted
to say something to break that tension, but what could I say?
The waiter came back to take Crow’s order.
“Nothing for me,” he said.
That seemed to break the spell over us. I needed to force things into motion.
“You have something to say,” I said to Crow when the waiter had moved off. “You came here to say it, so say it.”
He stared at his hands. The noise around us seemed to get louder. Finally, he looked up.
“I’m sorry,” he said to Cindy. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“I’m sorry, too,” she said. “They were hard times. Everything was so confused. I didn’t understand things then, but I know now that everything you did, you did to protect me.”
He nodded. “Still, I did wrong.”
I wanted to reach out and hold him, but he needed to work through this himself. I wasn’t even sure I had the right to touch him any longer.
“You didn’t do wrong,” Cindy said. “We’d been abandoned. There seemed to be no way out, then you saw a way, and you took it. That wasn’t wrong. It was an incredibly tough decision.”
Cindy took a gulp of her tea. I picked up my glass of water. I wasn’t sure where to go from here.
Crow asked Cindy about her life. I relaxed a little, feeling like we were on steadier ground, but they really needed to be alone.
“I’m working as a personal assistant. It’s a great job. Not nearly as exciting as the rock star life, but I like it.”
Crow smiled. “Boyfriend?”
She shook her head, but in a way that suggested there was someone in her life. Maybe not officially yet.
“And you?” she asked.
“Drummer. Rock star.”
“Girlfriend?” she asked, giving me a quick grin.
My heart froze up. How would he answer? Was I still his girlfriend? Or was I an ex now? Did he even want to salvage things?
He looked up. “I had the most amazing woman in the world, but I’m not sure if I’ve screwed things up beyond redemption with her.”
I blinked away the tears that came to my eyes and reached out for his hand. That was all I wanted, an opening, a chance to make this work.
“You’re not beyond redemption,” I said. “Never.”
Crow didn’t look at me, but he squeezed my hand tight. My heart soared. Maybe things could be right between us. The gap that had grown between us could be bridged. Crow had taken the first step.
I let go of his hand. “I’m going to go back to the hotel,” I said. “You two really do need some time alone to sort things out, but after you’ve finished talking, if you want to see me, I’ll be in my room.”
Crow smiled at me. “I’ll come with you.”
“Nope. You’ve only got a short time with Cindy. We have all the time we need.”
I walked out and went back to the hotel with hope growing in my heart. He’d said I was the most amazing woman in the world. All my doubts had been for nothing. We’d work this out. Now that he’d made the first move, every move we made from here on out would be together.
I ran into Elijah on the way back to my room.
“You look happier than you have in a long time, Firecracker,” he said. “Anything I should know about?”
“Yes, I do look happy, and no, it isn’t something you should know about.”
“Oh, I’ll find out. You can’t keep quiet.”
He might be right about that, but this thing was way too new and tender to discuss with Elijah. I didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. I wanted to hold it, examine it.
I got to my room and paced around. I tidied things that didn’t need tidying. I fussed with my hair and my face. Even though I’d wanted to give Cindy and Crow time alone, I wished that he had come back with me. This waiting drove me insane. We didn’t have long until we had to go to the arena. I wanted things clear and certain, and we needed to talk for that to happen.
Then he knocked at my door. I knew his knock without even answering it. Polly bashed and the others banged, but Crow had a quiet knock. Like he didn’t want to intrude but was sure I’d answer anyway.
I opened the door ready to ask him how things had gone with Cindy, but before I could speak, he’d grabbed me in his arms. He squeezed me so tight, I couldn’t speak.
Finally, he let go. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”
I sat down on the bed, and he sat beside me.
“I’m sorry, too,” I said. “I shouldn’t have interfered like that in your life. It was none of my business.”
He put his arm around me. “My life is your business, if you want it to be,” he said.
I rested my head on his shoulder. “Still, I should think before I do things. I just cause trouble.”
He laughed. “I don’t think that will ever change,” he said. “It’s not a bad thing. I thought I could walk away from you, but my life without you isn’t worth a bag of shit. It’s dark and empty and forlorn. The things you do, the crazy, impulsive things, are what make you so special. No one should ever change that.”
We stood for a long time, not talking, just holding each other. I could hear his heartbeat, and it seemed like mine beat in time with his. This was not going to be an easy relationship; I’d known that from the start. But I needed him so much, and he needed me.
He’d broken down that barrier to his heart, and I knew how hard that had been for him. The biggest obstacle to our lives together, even bigger than Polly’s fury, had been defeated.
“How did it go after I left?” I asked him.
“We talked. We’re going to catch up when the tour finishes. I’d have never spoken to her again if it weren’t for you, but I should’ve made the effort.”
I really wanted him to stop talking now and kiss me. As though he’d read my mind, he pulled me tighter to him. His lips brushed against mine as though he was scared of breaking me.
“You don’t have to be so gentle,” I said when he broke away.
I pushed him back on the bed and kissed him again, our bodies grinding against each other. We kept on kissing. He kissed my lips and my neck and my shoulders. I kissed him back just as much. Every kiss was like a fresh surprise, something new to discover.
I’d never have stopped kissing him if Polly hadn’t knocked on my door.
“Ready, kiddo?” she called.
I groaned. “I guess,” I called back.
Damn, I’d have to fix my hair and makeup before I headed out. I wasn’t going to face the rest of the team looking kiss-crushed.
“There’s no way we can get out of this, right?” I asked Crow. “We have to go onstage tonight?”
Even being onstage tonight paled beside the need to be touching him and kissing him and working my way around his body.
“Not unless we want to deal with Damo and Polly and thousands of angry fans.”
“Yeah, Damo and the angry fans I could deal with. If you take on Polly, it’s a deal.”
Crow shook his head. “When we get back, we can pick up right where we left off.” He marked an “X” on my neck with his finger. “That’s the exact spot where I left off.”
I quickly combed my hair.
“Meet me at the elevator before we go down,” he said.
I straightened myself up and threw some things in a bag. When I got to the elevator, Crow walked toward me. He held out his hand.
“I’d love for you to wear this tonight,” he said. It was the firecracker necklace. “I might not be good with words, but, Fay, I love you. Never, ever doubt that.”
Chapter 29
THAT NIGHT, AFTER THE show, we got right back to where we’d left off. Crow remembered exactly where he’d marked my neck. Those neck kisses sent the most delicious thrills through me. Then his kisses went lower and lower. I wanted to take off my t-shirt to give him access to more places to kiss, but I worried that that would be moving too fast.
But he grabbed the hem and raised that pesky fabric up so he could kiss my stomach. His beard tickle
d so much that I squirmed like crazy. His mouth covered every bit of my belly, and every kiss made me giggle.
“You’re not taking this seriously,” he said.
“It tickles too much.”
“I can stop.”
“No!”
He laughed at me. Damn it. I tried not to giggle, but I couldn’t control myself. Then he moved up to my boobs, and my giggling stopped. I unhooked my bra, and he stripped it off along with my t-shirt. Finally, we were getting somewhere.
It wasn’t just that things were moving faster, but that Crow didn’t hold back. He didn’t hold back with his kisses, and he didn’t hold back with his happiness, either. That happiness flooded through him and into me.
He slipped his hands behind my back as he took one of my nipples in his mouth. I definitely didn’t giggle while he did that. As his tongue flicked over the swollen bud, my moans became louder. I didn’t know what the hell he was doing to me, but I wanted him never to stop. That sucking made my entire body into one huge molten mess. I arched my back and entangled my hands in his hair to pull him closer to me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, needing him close to me, his body rubbing against mine. I wasn’t going to let him stop anytime soon. Was he planning to stop? I couldn’t let him.
I pulled away. “You aren’t going to stop, are you?”
He looked up at me, and the lust in his eyes almost burned me. Damn, asking him questions wasn’t a smart move. He had better things to do with that mouth than talk.
“I mean, you aren’t going to start this, then walk out on me?” I asked. “I don’t think I could stand that. I might well implode if you do.”
He propped himself up on one elbow and ran his other hand down my body until it settled between my legs. “Yeah, you might implode.”
Was he laughing at me?
“You can keep your hand there,” I said. “I’m pretty happy with that.”
He looked pretty happy too. Again, my jeans got in the way. Well, they did until he unzipped them and slipped them down over my hips. With a few wiggles, they were on the floor.
Hard Freak (Rock Stars on Tour Book 3) Page 11
