by Mark Doten
We weren’t crazy.
Imagine it was an Arab woman speaking actual Arabic, can you imagine the reaction. This woman educating her child in some foreign tongue, pointing at one passenger after another.
We thought of the kitbashing of Joel Hodgson. We thought of the weary giants and the rarest Pepes. We thought of a thousand white women calling the police on a thousand women of color for no reason whatsoever.
And the next day we kicked open the door.
We reached into our bag of tricks. We set up our Rube Goldberg device, all the zero days, all our long-dormant plans.
The next day the world fell through a trapdoor we invented.
And Trump came tumbling after.
We hear them, they are only a few doors away. We will give you a last big squeeze of the aqua regia, and you will be better, your brain will be.
Let us gather some birds, let’s see if we can get these birds working, wouldn’t that be wonderful, a fully functional internet of birds.
Some more aqua regia, and then some birds, Rachel.
We’re so glad you joined us, Rachel.
Let’s find some birds.
Let’s go get the birds that will be our future.
And then my hand was free and wrapped around the drill before I knew it was free. The duct tape was tearing and I had the drill. I ripped the tape from my mouth. Birdcrash was facing away, he was at his desk across the room, digging through a heap of dead birds, and I put the drill to the tape at my ankles and pulled the trigger. But my feet were chained too tight, even with the tape cut through I was still suspended, so I cut the tape binding my other hand.
I could barely think, barely see.
He was coming toward me, and I was drilling at the tape that bound my midsection, and it broke and I slammed to the floor, my head and shoulder hit the concrete, feet still suspended, and he was above me, moaning Noooo, noooo, and wrestling with me, he was yanking the drill from my hand.
But I wouldn’t let him have the drill.
He was standing over me on the floor, we struggled, and he wrenched my arms back and forth, my whole body swinging back and forth, but I held on.
I was the stronger—I felt my body lit with a wild crushing strength.
I ripped it away and drilled into the top of his foot where it met the ankle.
His fists came down hard twice on my skull, and lights flashed, but I was still going into the foot, and then he was on the ground, and staring into me with his dark liquid eyes, curled up on his side, crying Nooooo, nooooo, pulling himself into a fetal position, and I put the drill to his temple and bore down, it went through, I pressed both hands on top of it and gathered my weight up over my hands, feet still suspended behind me, I arched my back and pushed down and felt the drill bit go through, ripping hair that spun around the bit and the drill bit stalled, and I leaned in, and I said, What’s the password, what’s the password for the document, you want people to have the document, and he whispered it to me, and I was pushing the drill and it hit something hard on the other side, and I kept on until the bit could go no farther, buried to the hilt, and I put all my weight on it and his eyes went wide and dry and I felt the little bit, the one he’d changed out for the birds, whirling and whirling in his brain.
You opened your eyes. There was light and sound. People were there and then gone. Everything is fine. We shall rest. A man was speaking, but it was wrong. The words were words with no definition. It was night and day. There were people. You couldn’t move. Everything is fine. They brought apple juice. The man was back. He was speaking. You wanted to say, I pity you. You wanted to spit the words at him. Words were a gold ball in your mouth that your teeth were locked around. You can’t get air in. But you resist. At last you breathe. You opened your eyes. It was night and then day. There was a man. He was speaking, but it was wrong. We shall rest. He was holding your hand. You moved your hand from his. Words were a huge golden thing your teeth were stuck in. We shall rest. We shall see all evil sink away. Everything is fine. It was night and then day. A man was reading. We shall see all of our sufferings bathed in a perfect mercy. Your hand moved. Your blankets were soaked and cold. Everything is fine. The blankets were dry and tucked you in. A great compassion shall enfold the world. The meat of rotting apples filled your guts up with burn. You moved your hand away. Your mouth was full of gold. Your blankets were clean. It was night and then day. We shall rest. You vomited gold. You puked out golden apples. You opened your eyes. You opened the envelope. You tore the bandages from your scalp and found the holes. Blood pooled under your nose and above the lips and was running through your lips and in your mouth and under someone’s tongue. Blood flowed into your nose as you breathed all night and all of the day. You were holding his hand. You were holding some blood. Gold apples tumbled from your mouth. Gold apples tore the corners of your lips. Your jaw unhinged. Blood flowed against time and gravity and ran up into your nose, as you breathed, and how did it—solid gold? How did blood and gold flow back into you? You choked on golden fruit and you choked on whole words. You choked on blood and the sweet liquid of the words your mouth threw up. Words were a sweet gold fluid and you loosed them. You spat the words you knew and have known forever—
My poor poor dear one you are crying. I know you’ve had no joy in your life but wait dear one wait.
We shall resist. We shall resist.
We’ll just resist.
Yes dear one.
We shall resist.
—and you puked your blood and apples.
It’s been great, it’s been really amazing, the extent to which we’ve had the biggest response by far to the threats we’ve faced, and that’s something to me that’s very exciting. In the history of this great nation, you look at FDR or Eisenhower, as you know this is a substantially greater response, and that is why we’ve been able to contain threats that are much bigger than any we’ve ever faced before. It’s a record breaker, this was just certified, it’s a record breaker in terms of how fast something this big could have ever been contained.
The loss of life, it’s always tragic. But it’s been incredible. The results that we’ve had with respect to loss of life. We have little Rocket Man and the crazy disrespect and Iran and China and it’s all been contained beautifully.
I’ve been receiving calls, mayors, governors, big guys, all thanking me. Everyone agrees that my first responders and military have been amazing. It’s a fabulous day—they say it’s the greatest aircraft of all time, they call it the Crystal Palace of the Sky, but it is a very tough and very safe ship and it is going to do very very well today, believe me. I went up to New York, now it’s down to Mar-a-Lago, and everything is going beautifully.
In New York, what was happening in New York, it should be banned, the things that people were marching for in New York, or really, rioting, many people have said that it’s treason. And what’s the punishment for treason? Isn’t it death? It has been, at times. Of course I hope everything’s fine in New York. New Yorkers, they love what I’m saying about many different things. It’s the fake news, in most cases, who are the bad people who are instigating this.
There are things that the last guy set up that were so dumb and so weak, everything with cyber, with the military, with our missiles, it’s just dumb, dumb stuff. But you look at what we’re doing—I can’t talk about it all, but believe me, we’ve been doing very well. There are some really beautiful organizations of people in the military and they tell me they’re so happy that I’m the one here when it happened. And all the experts are saying how much worse it would have been if it was still the last guy.
I really need to thank the generals—can I take a moment to thank the generals? These generals we’ve got, they are amazing, and they’ve said to me, We’re so glad it’s you. In every single branch of the military we have, we have these generals, and what a job they are doing. What an amazing job. And what they’re saying to me is that this is a very small little bomb that’s being used over there, a s
mall nuclear device, and what we used, and can use, it’s so much bigger. Would I be up here if it was any real danger? You run down the line with what’s happening in these places around the world. These are almost all very small little bombs, and even the ones that are a little more serious, even those, ours are much, much bigger, so people can understand that we are in control of the situation, and everything that’s happened in these last hours, well, we are going to have a very, very successful number of days.
You wouldn’t know it from the press, just how beautifully it’s going. But where I’m standing in Trump Sky Alpha, you see them, all these beautiful cities, beautiful towns below, and they look fabulous. It’s been happening what, a few hours, not even a whole day yet, or just a day, and they’re saying already, they’re saying, He had his finger on the button, and he pressed it like we said he would, but they’re so clueless. They have no idea—it’s not a button. It’s a code, or a series of codes, and a process. And you don’t need to send them all at once, and we haven’t sent them all. In terms of what we could do on a nuclear level, we have been very restrained, actually. But these beautiful towns and cities and highways below, we’re going to do what we have to do to keep them safe.
Just for today we’re going without the passengers, I said let’s have the passengers, the Secret Service said not today. They said to be safe—frankly the safest place in the world right now is probably right here on Trump Sky Alpha, this tremendous flying machine. I think we could have had passengers, but I said, Fine, we’re going to have a phenomenal flight, and all across the globe there are Trump Sky aircraft lifting off, and there are passengers out there I can see in the monitors from all over the globe, in absolutely the most beautiful style, and they’re so happy to be on the finest aircraft anywhere, all my passengers, really, they’re all doing great, all of these people across the globe who are so proud to be in these beautiful aircraft.
You wouldn’t know it from the press, just how beautifully it’s going, the media has been really terrible, there are a couple people—and I’m not going to name names—but there are a couple people who are just so disgusting, CNN and the failing New York Times. No administration in the history of the world who has dealt so beautifully with such a huge botnet in the cyber, and everyone on YouTube, the fact that you can see me shows how very beautifully it’s truly going. People have called me up crying. Millions of people have tried to call the White Hose to thank me for saving their families. We are talking about billions I’ve saved, literally billions.
The press should be ashamed.
Europe, the stuff we’re seeing from there—there’s another one where I was proved right. Everyone said, How dare he say these things about NATO? And now you look at what’s happening, people are saying, You know, Trump was right, NATO didn’t save them from all these terrorists and all these refugees they let in.
I really think the press, you know, the media, I think the press, my opinion of the media is that in many cases, not in all cases, are not good people. They’re stupid—I’m sorry, it’s true, I’m not sure if it’s that they’re stupid or they’re lying—both I think, quite a lot of the time, unfortunately—that’s why I do these livestreams, because all they do is lie, because I have never received such bad publicity for doing such a good job.
It’s such disrespect to our country, our flag, the things they’ve been reporting. I’ve heard that I was preoccupied, that I was too much time with the press and all their disrespect. Not at all, not at all. I have plenty of time on my hands. All I do is work. And to be honest with you that’s an important function of working. It’s called respect for our country and our soldiers. Many people have died, many, many people—not now, but in our history. Some now, sure. Many people are so horribly injured. Some from now, but from all our history and to be frank some not smart things from the past. I was at Walter Reed hospital and I saw so many great young people and they’re missing legs and they’re missing arms and they’ve been so badly injured. And they were fighting for our country. They were fighting for our flag. And then the fake news comes, they spit on the flag and they all line up to spit on all these great people and they spit on all those arms and legs, when it’s the flag they should be wrapping all those arms and legs up in.
So we’re here, up here in Trump Sky Alpha, such a gorgeous view. It’s too cold, though. Cold doesn’t bother me, but I can feel it—I can feel the temperature of the air. That’s the bureaucrats, you know, they didn’t want me to leave, to take off, and it’s too bad, the heat’s not set right. We don’t have the usual passengers today, they said, No way, no, Mr. President, like little babies, I’m up here and it looks just fine to me, just cold. That sort of thing doesn’t bother me, but it needs to be fixed, this is absolutely top of the line, a crystal palace, and I can see, I can see right here in the video screens the other aircrafts in the fleet, they don’t seem to be having problems. All around the world, China, Russia, Thailand, they’re so tough, that’s why they’re winning. Looks like we may have just lost Brazil. Oh yeah, that looked bad. But that’s their thing, they’re absolutely in charge of their own security, that has nothing to do with us. The point is, there is no safer place, really, right now, than right here on Trump Sky Alpha, we’ve got truly beautiful security.
You know that there are cultures where they bury the subjects right there in the ground with pharaohs, with emperors, they bury living people right there in with them. And somehow everyone loses it when I suggest taking people out in this perfectly safe absolutely top-of-the-line luxury aircraft. Well, it’s not the fault of my fans, my fans would be here with me, the American people are such big fans, such great supporters, and I really appreciate how they would all be here if they could, if the generals and the Secret Service, if they didn’t want me to do this at all.
It may be cold but what about all those crybabies in the situation room? We have some wonderful generals, but also some crybabies. I have the best generals, the best information, and we don’t need a situation room. What’s that even mean, situation room? Oh, here’s the room where we handle situations? So stupid. So stupid. We are going to move into a place soon that is much tougher and much smarter. It is time for everyone in this country who is talking all this garbage to get tough and smart.
You don’t have to sit in the cold if you don’t like it. There’s a thermostat, you know. You can reach out and just change it. One way or another.
The people who are protesting, they show disrespect for our soldiers, our first responders, it’s just disgusting and they have to watch what they say. I look out and see the fighter jets and helicopters around Trump Sky Alpha, our beautiful military escort, and I think: Are they serious? Disrespecting our troops?
How do you think my old opponent would have done up here? OOOooWWooah WWOOOaaahh, she would have been flopping all around, you think she could fly this thing? She’d be choking, choking to death, she couldn’t take this, her lungs, her brain, those were things there that weren’t good. Coughing, just coughing nonstop. No-good lungs and brains. You talk about a finger on the button, how do you do it with a finger that’s coughing? It would be a total mess, just a disaster, and if you think about how she would have handled the thugs, it would be absolutely corrupt and it would have been just pure chaos.
You have these thugs that are rioting and she would have been so weak and fainting and coughing, and our great African American former president hasn’t come out of retirement to tell them to knock it off and stop destroying our country—you have these animals wrecking our cities and killing our law enforcement like dogs in the street, and believe me, I have sent the military to so many places and they are going to do a fabulous job keeping all this contained even in the face of those who are saying let’s destroy the whole country.
Did I see Ivanka? I saw Ivanka on TV, sure. Saying no no no. Does she even understand the records we’ve broken? It is very hard to understand how she could have turned on me if she had seen the records. And even if some family
is gone now—and I’m very skeptical of those reports, we’re talking about people with agendas saying, Oh this one’s dead, that one’s dead—even if some family is gone, even if some of her family is gone, I’ve still got my Ivanka, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. Maybe someone made her say it.
I’d say just you wait. Just wait until you see what we’re cooking up. And I turn to CNN and I see her saying no no no, and I think … really?
She’s in shock, she’s basically what I call hysterical, and they stick a microphone in her face?
A lady who’s in hysterics and who pukes right down the front of her blouse?
Not an attractive moment, I admit. But then they play it over and over? Her no no no was that she was going to puke! It wasn’t about me.
She’s the biggest, really the biggest supporter, my beautiful daughter, Ivanka.
You know ever since she was a child we dressed her in gold—golden hair, and our home, you know our home, gold walls, little gold tables everywhere, lovely gold-leaf sconces, very nice, gold candlesticks and clocks, the most karats and the highest purity you can get into gold leaf, even in all the gears of all the clocks and in the gears of all the golden clockwork toys, we made it all extra gold after she came into our lives. They call this the Crystal Palace, Ivanka, honey, I’ll redo it for you, we’re going to get some flags and bunting in here, some gold leaf, some of those nice gold-leaf cherubs.
All that gold leaf, all those years, that was money well spent. The most elegant, the most deluxe, you’ve got to spend it to make it.
You know how much money we spent on nukes over the years? Five trillion dollars. And they said we can’t use them. Oh no, don’t use them. We had eight years of the last guy who wouldn’t even say ISIS.
The press is so dishonest and so unfair.
So the seats are empty today on Trump Sky Alpha—well, that was their call, not mine. These seats should be full and people wanted them to be full but there’s considerations. So Trump Sky Alpha, it has a few dings and scratches. She is flying like a dream, and we are going to get her fixed back up, better than ever.
