I blinked, the tears clearing, and then frowned.
"Not fucked. Not had hard and fast sex. But slow and long and tender love. Hot and sweaty and totally involved. Body, mind, heart and soul. You feel it inside your chest. You feel it inside your head. Your body craves the next sweet caress, your nerves tingle, your breath rushes in eager puffs of air. You're wet, but not because it's naughty or dangerous, but because you can't help wanting to connect with that person, to share a part of yourself, to let them in and let them take you to some place you can only ever dream about when on your own. Some place mystical and magical. Some place safe, but so exquisitely exciting that you can't even believe that it's real. But it is. It so fucking is."
He paused to catch his breath, and licked his lips again when his eyes darted down to my mouth. Then slowly soft grey rose up to look inside, right through to the real me. Right past the shiny, yet fragile shell.
"I want to make love to you," he declared. "I want to show you how good it can be."
I was almost ready for him to do it, too. But so very frightened of taking that step and never being able to return to what I already knew. If I let him love me like that, could I still experience hard and fast against the wall of a nightclub?
"Drew," I started, and he shushed me with a quick press of his lips against mine.
"Not tonight. Probably not even tomorrow. You're not ready. You don't trust me yet."
There was no hint of reproach in his tone, just the statement of a fact. He wasn't judging me, he wasn't impatient. He was simply voicing the truth.
"Tonight you learn to sleep next to someone who wants nothing but to feel your warmth. To know that you're safe. Tomorrow, I'll show you that there is still excitement and danger to be had in a relationship like this. That red can still play a part. It isn't all romantic mush curled up under the covers of a bed. I promised you there would still be illicit. I think I mentioned I'd still fuck you against the wall of Dominic's house. But as we're not due there for a while, how about you accompany me to the opera tomorrow night?"
What?
"The opera?" How was the opera illicit and 'red'?
He smirked, that gorgeous uneven smile I'd come to love. It was Drew's naughty side, his wicked side, and to see it again made my whole body relax, and then tighten in delicious anticipation.
"I've reserved a balcony box all to ourselves. I was planning on surprising you earlier, but, well, the plans changed." That's why he'd been at the store. That's why he was there when Kane and Dan crashed down around my ears.
"A whole box to ourselves?" I repeated. "And what will we be watching?"
"Bizet's The Pearl Fishers."
You'd think, working in a music store, that I would be familiar with opera. But we don't get that many requests from our High Street customers, when they stop by to sip their lattes and nibble on their chocolate, for French or Italian opera songs. I'd heard of The Pearl Fishers, but I knew nothing of the music.
But somehow I didn't think Drew was trying to educate me. He had a plan. Drew always had a plan. And that thought was enough to make me smile.
His head dipped down and he kissed me slowly, long and soft and deep. Then when he'd finally made me breathless, he rolled off the bed and proceeded to strip out of his trousers, displaying a sight I was soon beginning to find familiar and also crave. He didn't draw attention to his erection, he just folded his trousers over a chair in the corner and then turned and slipped between the sheets.
When he reached for me, after switching the bedside light off, his arms pulled me close, chest to chest. His arousal a silent but impossible to ignore statement pressed between us.
"Do you need a hand with that?" I inquired, starting to snake my fingers down his chest heading in the general direction of his sex.
He grasped my hand before it could get too far and brought my knuckles to his lips.
"Ignore it," he whispered, rolling to his back and tucking me against his side instead. "I'm always half erect when I'm around you, kissing you and knowing I'm about to get into bed with you for the very first time, was too much to ask of it really."
He closed his eyes and let his shoulders relax, his thumb drawing slow circles on my shoulder.
But now he'd pointed out an obvious fact. This was the first time we'd lain together in a bed. And we weren't even attempting to have sex.
I was sure I'd never get to sleep after that, but the day had been long and taxing, and Drew did feel warm and safe, and soon indistinct opera-like songs were swirling around inside my head, banishing any thoughts of my past or what disasters had transpired that day.
Drew brought peace to my bedroom. He brought tenderness and care, soft touches and gentle kisses. He opened the door to a possible world of enjoyment I never knew existed before. I fell asleep wondering how good it could be to make love. To not just have sex. I wondered if it was as good as he described. Because it had sounded, if I was honest, divine.
I woke to an empty bed, but the smell of coffee wafting from the kitchen. Where he had managed to get that, I did not know. Pasta shells, herbs and canola oil do not a coffee make. I rolled over in bed feeling more relaxed than I had felt in... years. More at peace and yet still a little lost. I wasn't out of the woods, I knew that. But I had taken a step towards the light.
A smile spread across my lips just as the phone rang. I didn't have one in the spare bedroom so tumbled out of bed and ran down the hall to the one on the wall across from my bedroom. I was slightly out of breath from surprise and the effort required to get there quickly by the time I answered.
"Hello?" It sounded husky too.
"Well, hello to you, Kels," Gen sounded out down the line. "Have a nice evening, or did I interrupt the encore this morning?"
"Nothing happened," I blurted, just as Drew rounded the corner already dressed for work in his clothes from yesterday, holding out a take-away coffee cup. It was from one of our main oppositions, but right then, I couldn't have cared less. I managed a shy smile and accepted the offering, taking a sip before Gen could think of a come-back.
"Well, that is disappointing. I thought I'd have some gossip to share with Lucas as we set up this morning."
"There's no gossip, and I'll be there so don't think about making any up."
"Ah, no. You won't. You're taking today off."
"I don't need today off, Gen. I'm fine."
Was I? Not quite, but better than yesterday, I think. Drew watched on silently, sipping his own coffee and leaning against the door jam to the lounge.
"Is your jaw sore?" she asked.
I flexed it. It ached. With a frown I muttered a quiet, almost inaudible, "A bit."
"Will you be in charge of Sweet Seduction as of next week for a fortnight while I relax in honeymoon bliss?"
I sighed. "Yes."
"One day off today to recuperate, get yourself a spa treatment, and then back at it for the long haul. Is it too much for me to ask?"
Another sigh. "No."
"Then it's settled. Have fun. See you tomorrow, sweet pea. Love ya!"
And then she was gone. I stared at the receiver and then slowly replaced it on the hook.
"I've been ordered to take the day off," I unnecessarily explained.
"Probably a good idea. Busy week ahead."
I lifted my eyes to his.
"How did you know it's going to be busy?"
"Well, there is a huge-arse wedding planned for this weekend and if you're half as busy as I'll be, getting final tuxedo fittings and doing last minute ridiculous tasks for my best friend in order for him to relax on his big day, then you'll be busy."
Oh.
"Plus, I plan to spend every available minute outside of work in, on, behind, beneath, and around you."
Oh.
"Even at work, if we can swing it. I still like the idea of the District Court cloakroom."
"Drew," I chastised, but my heart wasn't in it. Somehow my heart was currently fluttering around pathetically inside my che
st, too elated at the prospect of spending time with Drew.
And when had that become an excuse for my pulse rate to samba through my veins?
He took a sip of his coffee hiding his smirk.
"So, what will you do today?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I hadn't taken a day off in months.
"Meet me for lunch?"
"I'm seeing you tonight," I reminded him.
He nodded, slight frown in place.
"You're right. Don't want to make you sick of me before the big event."
I raised eyebrows at him. "Big event?"
"Gen and Dom's wedding," he explained. "Where I'm the best man and you're the maid of honour, and I'll be shagging you in a supply closet off the main hall of the hotel reception. That big event."
Oh. I shook my head.
"You've got sex on the brain." Which was an entirely ironic thing for me, Kelly Quayle, to say.
"No, Kelly," he said, leaning forward and kissing me softly against the lips.
Coffee and Drew met my tongue. The kiss deepened, the coffees in our respective hands forgotten, until I heard a splash on the floor at my back.
"Oops," he whispered against my lips. "See, it's not sex I've got on my mind, but you. I'm Kelly obsessed, and have been from the moment I laid eyes on you."
He pulled back, swept his gaze over my t-shirt and knickers attire, and smirked.
"And you're mine."
With that he offered a wink and slipped out the front door, no doubt heading to work whistling a tune, happy with the state he'd left me in. There was nothing for it, my shower would have to be cold.
Chapter 12
You Make Me Feel Ten Feet Tall
Showers are tricky things. When you're alone in there, running through your daily routine without conscious thought, your subconscious takes over. Your mind wanders, and for me, right now when my life was still in tatters and only just showing any sign at all of straightening out the mess, my mind chose to fixate on my lifestyle.
That is, the lifestyle I had just left.
I didn't particularly want to dwell on where I'd been, but my mind had other plans. And by the time I'd washed the conditioner from my hair I'd managed to count up the total of my remembered liaisons.
I've never been so drunk that I've lost hours like I did on Friday night - that was thankfully a first - but time and volume made accuracy hard to achieve. With reluctant effort however, I determined the number in the vicinity of fifty.
Five-oh.
It was the water running cold down my back that made me realise I'd closed my eyes and leaned my head against the shower stall for quite some time while I digested that fact. An emptiness consuming my body, banishing any of the warmth Drew had left behind, replacing it with a familiar sensation of nothing.
I needed to feel.
Fuck! I needed to keep my mind occupied and make it through this moment without doing what I always did.
Seeking a hit of bliss to numb the pain of emptiness.
Reaffirming that I was alive.
A sound of frustration mixed with desolation left my lips as I towelled off. My eyes lifted to the steamy mirror, still able to see the haunted blue staring back through the fog.
"What are you doing?" I asked the woman, who appeared as though a stranger, as she pleaded for help in the mirror. "You're better than this."
I was better than this. Stronger than this. But it was hard. My mind told me one thing, by body and soul cried out another. I ached in a way that wasn't physical. It was wretched and bleak and so desperately alone.
I dressed numbly, going through the motions without much care. I did my face and hair, made sure I looked like Kelly Quayle, even though I no longer knew who that woman was at all.
"Who are you?" I muttered to myself, aware I was having a conversation with no one and starting to sound mad.
Which brought on a bubble of hysterical laughter and that was quite enough of that.
I had to get out of the house. I had to keep moving. I needed a distraction.
Limbs, sweat soaked skin, teeth, bliss.
"No."
I stumbled from the bedroom into the hall and careened into the wall beside the phone. Snatching the handset off its hook I crumbled to the floor, vaguely aware that my cheeks were wet. My make-up would be ruined.
Oh fuck, I needed help. How could I go from such sweet normality this morning to the deepest, darkest black? There was no rhyme nor reason. It hit like a ten tonne truck. Blind-sided me, all because I took a shower and let my mind roam.
I panted though the panic attack, clutching the handset to my chest, hearing the dial tone go from its waiting signal, to a more determined wake-the-fuck-up sound.
I could do this.
I reset the dial tone and looked at the keypad, trying to will my brain to function in a straight line. I pressed the key to the phone book and scrolled through the names.
Bad move.
Fourth name on the list was Dan. Sixth was Fred, the stupid name Abi had given Drew. Tenth was Kane. I made myself stop then and breathed through the bile that surged up my throat. Then with shaking hands I returned to the address book and deleted each one of my five, replacing Fred's name with Drew's. I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket and did the same, cleaning another part of my slate.
Sill sitting on the floor of the hall I let my head roll back on my shoulders and rest against the wall. My eyes closed and I waited for the next sensation. I expected guilt or shame, or regret or even disgust. But miraculously I felt a little proud. Mixed with a huge dollop of relief.
I was still here. I was still breathing. And the black had receded a little to a more manageable grey.
This was good. This was something I could work with. Now I just needed to keep going, keep busy, find something else to see me through the day. I couldn't go to Sweet Seduction, even if I just wanted to fill in time. Gen would boot me out, insisting I needed the break. And there was no way I was dragging her into my shadows today.
I needed to do this for myself, but that did not mean I needed to do it alone.
I flicked back through the phone book on the handset and settled on Abi. She'd understand. She'd keep me tethered until I could get to Drew tonight.
Part of me was concerned that I saw Drew as my salvation. Part of me was downright worried that I was trading one drug for another. But even alcoholics need a crutch, a less wicked and insidious vice. Or a sponsor.
Maybe Drew was my sponsor.
Maybe I was losing my mind.
Abi picked up after three rings.
"Abi's House of Horrors. You pick 'em, we stick 'em."
"That doesn't even make sense," I shot back, feeling more and more like myself having heard her happy-go-lucky voice.
"Bite me. I'm under pressure and otherwise engaged. What goes with the lawyer-lover?"
"Are you referring to me or Drew, because I just don't get it."
"Well, you're the lawyer-lover of course, because you love the lawyer. Duh."
"I don't love him."
"Well, as much as you can love a man, Kels."
And that said a hell of a lot, didn't it?
Silence.
"Kelly? Aw shit. I'm sorry, my mind's occupied and I really didn't think that one through. Are you OK?"
"It's all right, Abs. I'm just a little fragile."
Silence again. I'd never admitted a weakness to anyone.
"Jesus Kel, you're scaring me. You almost sound like a normal person." She'd said it with a laugh in her voice, trying to lift the moment from the deep hole it had become.
I decided I should help her out a little, this was getting way more awkward than Abi and I usually shared.
"Um, are you free to go shopping with me? I've got to buy a new bed and linen and, oh, I suppose a new outfit for the opera tonight."
"Whoa, whoa, and whoa. First. A new bed? Did you break the last one? Man, and I thought Ben was adventurous, I guess you weren't kidding when you said that abou
t Drew."
I hesitated too long in answering.
"I did it again, didn't I?" Abi said quietly, all humour having left her tone.
"It's new ground for me too, Abs."
"Oh, sweetie," she said on a sigh. Then, "Fuck. I really, really wish I could go shopping, but big shit's hit the big fan and Nick’s got us all out on stake outs. I'm currently lying on my belly on the roof of a dodgy building in Fort Street, piss and cigarette butts sticking to my clothes, as I watch the back door of Declan King's last known hide-out through binoculars. I'd offer for you to come and join me, but honestly, this shit sucks."
I so did not know what to say to that.
"Kelly?"
"You said you loved your job," I pointed out, still a little stunned. "Really?"
"Well, not so much now and I think it's about to friggin' rain. But the prick has been sighted on a number of occasions recently, in and around Auckland, and radar has gone bat shit crazy with something big he has planned."
"That does not sound good," I offered.
"You better believe it, sister. Otherwise I would be sexy dress shopping and shagalicious bed testing with you all afternoon."
"Well, I think your current task is more important."
"Yeah," she agreed softly. "It doesn't look good for King's enemies right now, and that includes Nick."
"Be careful, eh?" I whispered. "You and Ben mean the world to me." My voice cracked in a ridiculous show of emotions.
I was just so damn emotional right now.
"Oh, Kel. I promise once this is all done, we'll get together and watch cheesy movies and get shitfaced drunk."
"OK," I said, not wanting to point out that I was thinking of ditching the alcohol as well.
A clean slate means a clean slate. Well, in my case, kind of. I still had Drew. Which did manage to bring a smile to my face.
"I'll just have to test the shagalicious bed and choose my slinky, sexy outfit on my own," I offered.
"You gonna be OK?" Abi whispered.
"I'll be fine, Abs. I'm a survivor."
A pause, then, "Kelly, thanks for calling me. For asking me." I knew what she meant. I'd asked for help, albeit disguised in a simple shopping trip. I'd never done that before.
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