by Janis Mackay
The jam started bubbling. ‘Cool,’ I said again. ‘That’s cool.’ I would look like a dork with a rubber ring round my waist, but for once I didn’t care.
Chapter Ten
The clock on the wall crept. It was two a.m., then half-past three, then quarter to four. At five I got up and dressed. I sat on the edge of my bed, waiting for Hannu. I couldn’t stand the feeling of hoping so much. What if Hannu didn’t come? What if a storm came and we couldn’t go into the sea? I’d psyched myself up so much that I had to face this fear.
I, Niilo, was going to swim in the sea!
What if Hannu woke up with a headache? Or the staff ferryboat didn’t run? If anything happened to ruin this trip I was sure the disappointment would kill me. Hannu wasn’t due until nine a.m. and I was expected to eat bread and cheese before that, in the mad dining room. Hannu had talked me into doing that with one of his stories about folk doing cool stuff together and having fun. Like you could too, he said, in the dining room. You could meet friends there. Then he said how Riku always went to the dining room, and that had swung it for me. So I’d been trooping in with the rest of the bad boys for a few days now. Then, after breakfast, I was even expected to help clear the breakfast dishes. What if I dropped a dish? What if I lost my temper?
I survived breakfast, but I could hardly eat today. Every time the door opened I swung round. ‘You waiting for your sweetheart?’ one of the older boys said, sneering. I so wanted to punch him in the face, but dug my fist into my other hand and gripped it tight. They just didn’t get it. From across the table Scarface looked at me and chewed noisily, like he was curious how I would react.
‘Cut it out,’ the staff member said.
‘Coz Hannu’s already got a sweetheart,’ the boy whispered, ‘and it ain’t you.’ Then he tittered like a fool.
‘I said, cut it out.’
A hush ran round the dining room and I made like I hadn’t heard him. I bit into the bread. Nothing was going to spoil this day. Nothing.
‘They’re jealous,’ Riku said, coming over and sitting down next to me – I got the feeling he was protecting me. He tore off chunks of bread with his teeth like he was a wolf. We both chewed noisily. ‘You’re gonna swim in the sea?’ he said, eyeing me sideways.
I nodded, my mouth crammed with bread. I swallowed it down. ‘How do you know?’ I asked him.
He didn’t answer that, just winked at me and tore into another chunk of bread. ‘You gonna escape?’
I shrugged and tore into the bread, same way as him. ‘Might do.’
‘Somebody else tried that,’ he said, looking straight ahead. ‘Last thing he ever tried.’
I choked on the bread. ‘Did he drown?’
‘Heart attack, they said.’ Then he swung round and stared right at me so I was close up to his scar – it looked like he’d got himself into a seriously bad fight and I wondered what had happened to the other guy. ‘It’s cold out there,’ he whispered, spy-style. ‘If you’re gonna make it, you need grease.’
‘Grease?’
‘Yeah. Grease. Lots of it.’ Then Riku got up and swaggered across the dining room. At the door he stopped and glanced back at me. He winked and was gone.
When Hannu finally arrived that morning I punched the air. I was in the canteen wiping down the tables and the boy who had taunted me at breakfast now laughed out loud. Hannu strode over to me before I thumped this guy, and steered me out of the canteen and into the corridor.
‘Ready for the sea?’ he said, all cheery. ‘Because I am.’ He had a light grip on my arm and led me out of the building. By the time we were outside, under the hot sun and clear sky, I had forgotten I was angry. I swung round. Through gaps in trees I spied the massive blue sea and for a second I felt my knees buckle. I reached out and grabbed at Hannu’s arm. I was shaking.
‘Whoa, boy,’ he said, steadying me. ‘We don’t have to do this. We could do something else. Gardening?’
I shook my head, but I still felt sick. Scenes from my nightmare flashed into my head and I had goose bumps prickling my whole body, but I so wanted to go into the sea. Maybe I really was crazy.
‘Well, if you’re sure,’ Hannu said. ‘It’ll be cold, remember. I know it’s July, but even so the sea is still pretty chilly. It’ll feel much colder than the heated swimming pool.’ We made our way down the path that led away from the school building and skirted the fields where Hannu’s lettuce and carrots and stuff were shooting up. ‘The sea’s not like the swimming pool,’ he added.
‘Obviously,’ I said, trying to act cool.
‘I mean, water’s about all they have in common. Seriously, Niilo, you’ll probably get a big shock when you first go in, but then you’ll get used to it. I can’t believe you’ve never been in the sea. This is going to be a big deal for you.’
I wished he wouldn’t go on about it. I could hardly speak, I was that nervous. Hannu had a bag slung over his shoulder and I spied the orange life-preserver sticking out.
‘Yeah,’ he went on as the sea, between tall pine trees, got closer, and bigger. ‘Apart from the cold, there’s the waves. Not that the Baltic is big on waves, but there’s pulls and currents. You’ll feel it.’ He stopped by a wooden bench, slumped the bag down and rummaged in it. ‘Here,’ he said, pulling out my life-saver in fluorescent orange. ‘You wear that round your waist and you’ll be unsinkable.’ I felt like a kid holding a rubber ring and I swung round to check nobody was watching. ‘Relax,’ Hannu said, probably reading my thoughts. ‘They’re all in the study room this morning. It’s just you, me and the sea.’
We followed the nature trail that led past the gardens with all the fruit bushes. Hannu made a detour so we could feast on a few raspberries, then say hi to the goats. When we were at the goats I asked him. ‘Is it freezing? I mean, could I get a heart attack?’
Hannu patted the goat and shook his head. ‘We’re only going to stay in the bay. It’ll feel a bit chilly, but not freezing.’ Then he looked up at me, knitting his eyebrows together. ‘You heard the story of the boy who died?’
I nodded and chewed my lip.
Hannu stroked the white goat again before we headed off across the island. ‘It was before my time here,’ he said as we walked, ‘but I heard he had a weak heart, and got into trouble in the sea. Poor guy.’ Hannu took a deep breath. ‘Look, Niilo. We don’t have to …’
‘I want to.’ I was going to say something about grease, but it felt like a giveaway, so I left it at that.
‘Okay then, buddy, let’s go!’
We tramped over the heather. It was a small island so it only took us about ten minutes to skirt the pine forest, hike over the heather and reach the sloping rocks that led down to the sea. Face to face with the huge flat and glistening water, I felt a shiver shoot up my spine … So, this was it. The monster. Mum’s horror stories came flooding back. Every sinking ship. Every drowned sailor. Every oil spill. Every freak wave. Every shark attack flitted across my mind. I was panting, and I hadn’t even swum a stroke yet.
‘You okay, Niilo?’
I nodded, clenched my fists and pushed all her horror stories away. ‘Sure I’m okay.’
We stood watching the water. The sunlight glimmered on the sea’s surface like a million dancing coins and it looked dazzling. ‘It’s pretty polluted, you know,’ Hannu said, breaking the silence. It sounded as if he was apologising for the sea.
‘So your mermaids better chant more spells,’ I said.
Hannu nodded, but he looked like maybe he didn’t believe in all his stories after all. ‘Yeah, you’re right about that.’ Then he pulled off his T-shirt. ‘I mean, it will be fine to swim in, but it’s not clean like it used to be.’ He kicked off his flip-flops. He had his shorts on, ready to swim, and he took a couple of steps down to the water’s edge and let the water run over his feet.
I was behind him and could see that scar on his back again. It looked like he’d survived a sword attack, and it gave me courage, thinking that if he could survive
that, I could survive swimming in the sea.
‘When I was a kid,’ Hannu was saying, ‘the water was clear.’ Then he turned his head round to smile encouragingly at me. I was still on the beach, clutching my rubber ring and gaping wide-eyed at the sea. ‘So I’m told, anyway. Thing is, I don’t remember too much about being a kid.’ He stopped smiling. ‘I never told you, did I? I lost my memory.’
‘What are you on about?’
Hannu shrugged. ‘Nothing. Okay, let’s swim! Come on, Niilo. A few steps and you’re in.’
Maybe that’s what he’d been trying to tell me? Maybe I’m not the only freak around here. It made me feel stronger somehow, so I yanked off my sweatshirt and wriggled into the stupid orange float. The sea made a low roaring noise and, high in the air, a gull screamed. I kicked my trainers off and took my first step into the sea.
Hannu was right by my side. ‘Okay so far?’
I nodded. The water swirled around my ankles. The sudden cold gave me a shock and my legs felt like jelly, but I took another step over the rock and sunk deeper into the water. Every horror-filled thought that screamed in my head I batted away. Hannu was right next to me as we waded in, deeper and deeper, and the cold water snaked around my legs. I was tough, I was strong, I told myself. I looked down and my legs were vanishing, being eaten up by sea. I gasped, but I was getting used to the cold. And Hannu was right – it wasn’t that cold. I felt gritty sand ooze between my toes and forced myself to take another step, then another.
‘So you tell me you were never in the sea before?’ Hannu stopped when we were waist-deep. ‘That’s quite something.’ He flicked water up onto his chest, and looked like he was getting ready to flick water my way, but didn’t.
‘My mum was scared. Said she hated the sea.’ I could feel my voice trembling.
‘Something bad happen to her?’
I shrugged. I didn’t want to think about her. Not here. This was a huge deal for me. I just wanted to think about swimming in the sea. I took another step and the water level rose to my armpits. The rubber ring bounced up – my body was going under, but this orange ring wouldn’t. ‘Don’t you worry ’bout a t’ing,’ Hannu sang in a reggae voice. He splashed water over his face. ‘Trust me. Nothing bad’s going to happen to you, Niilo. We’re not going to go deep. We’re just going to stay in this shallow little bay. Bend your knees, push forward with your arms like we did in the pool, and that float will look after you just fine. And I am right here next to you when you need me. You ready?’
I nodded, bent my knees and was getting ready to push forward when I suddenly stood up and said, ‘What do you mean, you lost your memory?’ I knew I was stalling, but I wanted to know.
‘I’ll tell you all about it some other time.’ Then Hannu pushed forward. I watched him swim three, four strokes, then he twisted round in the water like he was a seal and swam back. He stretched out his hands. ‘Swim towards me,’ he shouted. ‘You can do it!’
I forgot I was frightened. It was like, now that I was finally in the thing I was terrified of, I wasn’t terrified any more. Or maybe it was Hannu, being Mr Super-Encouragement, that made the fear go away. Whatever it was I felt fine. I pushed forward, kicked my legs back, and swam.
‘Great!’ Hannu yelled. He was swimming backwards and I was thrashing through the sea like a mad thing, trying to grasp his hands. The float did its job, though – it wouldn’t let me sink. I laughed and slapped my arms down, making spray shoot up into the air. ‘Let’s make for that rock out there,’ Hannu shouted. ‘I’ll swim right beside you. And if you panic just shout and I’ll be right there, okay?’
‘Okay,’ I shouted, water running into my mouth. I spluttered and thrashed my arms.
‘Whoa!’ Hannu said, lifting my chin out of the water.
I stopped coughing and laughed. I felt terrified and excited at the same time.
‘That’s it,’ Hannu said. ‘Keep your head out of the water, and kick back those legs. We’ll drink some water when we get back. You don’t want to drink this stuff. Okay, Niilo, let’s swim.’
I pushed forward with my arms. I could do it. Okay, the rubber ring helped, but it was me swimming.
‘Yeah,’ Hannu yelled, ‘that’s fantastic!’
And when I got the hang of it, I didn’t want to stop. I couldn’t believe it – I didn’t feel scared at all. I swam further and further, kicking my legs, thrashing through the water, pushing forward with my arms in big wide strokes like I had practised on the floor. I was doing it. I was swimming! And most of all, I was in the sea!
‘This is way better than that baby pool,’ I yelled. All the time Hannu shouted encouragement. I kept my head well up, I kicked back hard, I flung my arms forward, I panted and gasped and the Wild School island grew smaller behind us. We reached the rock and hauled ourselves up onto it. I felt as though I’d swum for Finland. My skin tingled. My muscles ached. I had done it! I couldn’t keep a huge grin off my face. ‘That was great,’ I cried out, panting hard. ‘That was the best thing ever.’
‘You did just brilliant,’ Hannu said, looking out to sea. Out of nowhere a speedboat roared past, bumping up and down on the surface.
‘Wow! That’s pretty cool,’ I yelled.
Hannu said nothing.
We sat for a while on the rock. It was only thirty metres or so from the shore but for the first time in over two months I was off the island. It was like I suddenly saw it, this island that had become my prison and my home. I watched it, this strange school that was nothing like school. I watched the fir trees, the birch trees, the sloping rocks. I knew that behind the ring of trees lay the garden and the strawberry fields. And beyond the garden was the school building, with the boys in the study room, and the swimming pool in the basement, and the canteen, and the chill-out rooms and the games room and studios and the offices and the corridor, and off that long corridor was my little room. It all felt miles away.
‘I had the feeling you’d do it,’ Hannu suddenly said.
‘Do what?’
‘Swim.’
I laughed again. I had never felt this happy – not that I could remember anyway. I had done it! It didn’t matter that the float had helped – I had swum in the sea! I stood up on the tiny rock and punched the air and the rubber ring fell to my feet. I was stronger than the nightmare. ‘I did it!’ I yelled, and lifted both arms high into the air. Like the guy in the film I’d seen on my first night at the school, I punched my fist into the air. ‘Freedom!’ I shouted, and Hannu clapped and cheered, like I was some kind of superstar.
Chapter Eleven
Those next few days, full of sky, sun and sea, were the best days ever. It was a hot summer and I felt like I was on holiday. Hannu was given the go-ahead to teach me to swim better too – that’s what he told me. He kept trying to bring up the topic of his leaving, like he was preparing me, but I didn’t want to hear. I zoned out when he went on about it. I just wanted to swim.
And Hannu was right – I did swim like a seal. The Wild School, Hannu kept saying, believed in giving their pupils space, and time. ‘They want the best for you,’ he kept telling me. I didn’t care what the Wild School wanted. I wanted to swim in the sea. And I wanted to swim further and further out. After three days, I left the orange baby float on the rocks, waded straight into the Baltic – and swam. On my own! Hannu said he wished work could always be like this. ‘This is the life, isn’t it, Niilo?’ Hannu, swimming on his back, splashed up water with his feet.
I did the same, swimming as easily on my back as on my front. ‘Think I could swim to Sweden,’ I shouted, flicking a spray of water over Hannu. We were swimming way past the white buoy and I overtook him, then flipped over and yelled, ‘You trying to help me escape?’
Hannu dived deep and rose up through the water next to me. ‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. But not in the way you think.’
We swam on. By now the Wild School island was half a kilometre at our backs. The vast horizon lay shimmering ahead.
&
nbsp; ‘You don’t get it, Niilo,’ Hannu said as we swam, slowly now. ‘I told you. Freedom’s an inside thing.’
I kicked my feet back hard and felt a fist of anger surge through me. It was so easy for him to prattle on about freedom being an inside-yourself thing. What rubbish. ‘Try saying that when you hear your bedroom door click locked behind you at night.’ I treaded water and ranted, ‘Try saying that when you get no phone, no cigarettes, no Xbox, no nothing except boring old books from the library. Try saying that when you have to stay in the school and watch all the staff go off home on the ferry. Try saying that when you can’t choose what to do. Try saying that—’
‘Okay, Niilo. Okay. I’m sorry.’
I swam away fast and dipped my head under so Hannu wouldn’t see what was tears and what was sea water.
He switched to front crawl to keep up. ‘Niilo, I said I’m sorry. I’m just trying to do the right thing, that’s all.’
I swam without saying anything for a while, then suddenly turned to him. ‘What do you mean – you lost your memory?’
We swam slowly. I could feel him dragging his story up, getting it ready for telling. I didn’t look at him – sometimes it’s easier like that. We were swimming further out to sea when he told me: how he’d had a car crash when he was twenty-three. He’d just left Lapland, where he lived. ‘I was heading south to Helsinki – to the big city. I’d bought my first car. I was so proud of that car. There was ice on the road. Black ice. And I was probably driving too fast. The car skidded. That’s the last thing I remembered.’ Hannu told me how he had been in a coma for four months, and when he came out of it he was fit and healthy, apart from the slash down his back where the edge of the car door had wedged into him … but he couldn’t remember a thing. If it wasn’t for his father, he said, sitting by his bedside with photo albums and telling him stories of his childhood, he wouldn’t know who he had been.
We were still swimming, slowly. The sea was glassy and warm. ‘Bits come back to me,’ Hannu said. ‘Sometimes I think I can remember, then I think what I remember are the stories my dad told me. Most of my memories now are made up from old photographs. But you see, Niilo, he gave me my story. I had lost it. It’s like I lost myself, and he gave me back to myself.’ He gave me that funny look again, like he was thinking of me and my lost story. ‘Anyway, we better head back now. Race you to the rock.’
