Ask her what she wants, Abby.
When they reach a set of benches underneath a sprawling Red Maple tree, Abby plops down onto the concrete and watches with curiosity as her mother wipes the bench clean before sitting down on the very edge. I think she’s either ready to bolt or afraid of a little dirt. Maybe both? Somewhere I know my eyes are rolling.
“What’s up, Mom?” Abby asks softly.
“I miss you. It’s okay for me to miss you, isn’t it?” Abby’s mother tucks a loose strand of hair back into her clip.
Abby looks up and stares hard at her. “Guess you wouldn’t miss me so much if you didn’t take off.”
The harshness of her words makes her mother flinch. She shuffles nervously on the bench and looks everywhere but at Abby.
“I should have taken you with me but I didn’t have a place yet. I told you that. A hotel is no place for a sixteen year old girl to be living at.” She looks back at Abby and her eyes are full of tears.
Abby waits a minute before speaking. “Have you heard from dad?”
“No. But I heard from his lawyer.”
“Dad's got a lawyer?” Abby seems surprised and I know that no one in their family has the means or the desire to help with her father’s defense.
“He has a Public Defender. It’s not looking good, Abby.” She pauses to look around them, probably making sure they are truly alone before continuing, “That’s why I’m here. I wanted to prepare you. People might start talking.”
“People are already talking, Mom.” Abby’s voice wavers.
And I thought she might have come to take Abby away with her.
“Baby, I know it,” she says gently.
For the first time, her mother reaches out and touches her. Abby stares down at the older hand patting hers in wonder. Even before her dad’s arrest, the family wasn’t physically affectionate. Abby wants to pull her hand away but seems to sense that this is what her mother needs and all she can really give her, so she allows the unsolicited affection.
“So, are you staying here, or leaving?” Abby asks.
“I wasn’t planning on staying, just to pick up a few things.”
Oh no, she is planning on taking Abby.
“I don’t want to leave Erie, Mom.” I’m surprised as much as her mother is by the admission.
“Baby, no one here is going to be very kind to you over the next few months. Plus, I think I found a place for the both of us.” She straightens and slowly pulls her hand away from Abby’s.
“That’s great and all, but I don’t want to leave.”
“Well, it’s a good thing then that you can’t come with me today. But eventually, we are both leaving this town behind us.” Her mother has a faraway look in her eyes as she stares at the quiet street in front of the school.
“So you came for your things, then?” Abby tries to change the subject after an awkward minute of silence.
“Yes, just a few things I left in mama’s garage,” her mother replies, but is still staring blankly out at the street.
“Can I keep your hair straightener?” Abby asks suddenly.
Her mother laughs. “Is that how you got your hair like this? It looks lovely by the way.”
The two smile at each other and I almost implode with relief. Perhaps the unexpected arrival of Abby’s mother will end up being a good thing. I cross my invisible fingers in hope.
***
The two spend the day together after-all. Not that digging through poorly packed boxes in the garage is exactly quality time, but at least Abby’s mother makes a genuine effort to learn about the last few weeks of her daughter’s life. She seems mostly interested in anything that has to do with Donny, but Abby keeps most of her feelings quiet. I think her mother suspects Donny might mean something more to her but she doesn’t push too hard for details.
“So you want to keep the straightener?” Abby’s mother asks as she stands in the doorway with her arms full of bags of clothing and a small box of bathroom necessities.
“Can I?”
Abby chews nervously on the inside of her cheek and fidgets with the end of her sweater sleeve, half expecting her mother to say no.
“Of course, your hair takes to it much better than mine ever has.”
My body jumps up and down back at the Station before doing a series of cartwheels and round off back handsprings. She smiles at her daughter, who is a good handful of inches shorter, before leaning down quickly and planting a dry kiss on her forehead.
She turns and hurries down the walkway while Abby steps outside to watch her mother load the beat up Ford Taurus with her meager belongings. She waves a quick goodbye from the driver seat before pulling out into the street. Ten seconds later the back of the car vanishes around a corner. No hug? And I thought my Mom was cold.
The nippy air causes Abby’s arms to break out in goose bumps, so she walks quickly back into the small house, closing the door behind her.
Let’s go eat some chocolate.
Abby happily obliges.
CHAPTER 20
I remember this feeling like it was yesterday: the lightness in my mind pulling me away, like I'm separating from Abby. I felt this with Sloan too. Only this time I expect it because I'm ready to leave her. For days I simply sit back on my throne and watch as her new world unfolds gloriously around her. The only time I really make an effort for her to hear me is when she makes plans for the following summer out on the lake with Donny and her new friends. I know I will be gone by then. She is slipping away from me more and more each day.
Abby walks to school every day with one of the girls she eats lunch with. She's no longer failing her classes and there's the flat iron of course. The Kardashian sister wannabe’s have been downgraded in importance and spend most of their time avoiding Abby as she casually and humbly climbs the social ladder. Donny is exhaustively making his intentions clear: he has it bad for Abby. He walks her to class, follows her around P.E. like a puppy, hands her notes to read in English and yesterday he tucked a rose into her hair at lunch time. It's not just the subtle change in her looks; she's glowing from the inside out and everyone can see it. I now have a bejeweled platinum crown with a matching scepter by my side and Abby's hot P.E. teacher is lying at my feet in a loin cloth fit for the Greek Gods. I lounge in complete euphoria while he hand feeds me red globe grapes. Oh, the life you can live in someone else's mind.
***
Abby is startled awake and I'm pulled away from the to-do list for tomorrow to peer through her sleepy eyes into her dark bedroom. It's almost midnight and some sort of noise has her looking at one of the windows. She shuffles out from under her low-thread count cotton sheets and creeps up to the glass slowly. Why do people always have to look? I half-expect some sort of creature to come flying through the glass and carry her off into the night. Something hard hits the window pane, but doesn't break it. The sound probably isn't loud enough to wake up Abby's grandmother who is asleep down the hall. I think it's some sort of pebble. Who would be throwing rocks at her window in the middle of the night?
She carefully peeps through the sheer lace curtains to see a shadowy figure standing below her room, underneath the lower limb of a large shade tree. In the pale moonlight I can see that it's a young man dressed all in black, with a dark cap pulled tightly over his head. See! Something creepy is waiting just outside the window! Abby's heart-rate spikes a few beats with fear before she realizes that it's Donny. Uhg. At least it's not something from a Stephen King book - or worse - a girl from school. What is he doing here…at midnight?!
Despite my protests, she throws a sweatshirt on and pulls her thin legs into a pair of jeans before dashing down the stairs as quietly as possible. Not that it matters; her grandmother is deaf without her hearing aid on.
Once she reaches the back door, which leads around to the side of the house near the shade tree, she is tugging her feet into a pair of hiking boots. She leaves the laces untied and stumbles her way down the back steps.
Oh,
that's safe. Slow down, before you break your neck, silly girl!
When she rounds the corner of the house he is still standing under the tree. I feel a warm and fuzzy feeling ripple through her and tap my missing foot impatiently. Hurry this up, Abby. You have a math test tomorrow…you need your sleep!
I feel her take a deep breath, no doubt trying to calm her nerves before she meets him under the red oak. She hugs him hello and watches as he nervously leans against the narrow trunk, twirling the stem of a burgundy leaf between his fingers.
"Hi," Abby says quietly.
"Hi," Donny repeats before smiling shyly.
"You do realize it's the middle of the night, right?" She asks him.
"Oh, I'm sorry." He looks concerned and glances up at the house, before speaking again, "Did I wake you?"
Abby laughs and then clamps her hand over her mouth, looking quickly at the neighbor's house. She moves slightly closer to Donny so that the tree obscures most of her body from the windows next door.
"I just thought, well…do you want to go with me to the Winter Formal together?" Donny says.
"Oh." Abby is surprised and I can tell she is afraid of how to answer.
"If you don't want to, that's okay. It's just a stupid school dance. No worries." Donny adds quickly.
"I do! I mean, of course - that would be nice. It's just…" She trails off with a wave of her hand.
Donny's happy expression falls. "What?"
"What about Ivy and her friends?" Abby looks down at her feet.
I really wish she would raise her head so I could see Donny's face. Instead, he does it for her by reaching forward and using one finger to gently lift her chin, so their faces are inches apart. That's a much better view.
"Ivy's not really my type anymore. Plus, she's kind of a jerk." His finger slowly leaves her chin and even in the dark of the night I can see the sparkle in his blue eyes.
Abby's budding feelings for him explode into colorful bloom. She's trying hard not to bounce on her toes.
I told you Abby! He likes you, very much. You just had to give him a try.
Suddenly Donny leans forward again, this time with his mouth and touches his lips gently to Abby's. The kiss is tender and soft and turns Abby's blooming love-flower into an over-flowing garden.
Your first kiss!
When they pull away from each other, Donny's lips turn up into a crooked boyish smile. Abby is glowing, I can feel it. He tucks some of her hair behind her ear and she giggles. Oh, how I miss the simplicity of first kisses. As soon as my excitement for her registers, it plummets to the ground. This is exactly how I felt after Ryan Burke kissed me. Suddenly I want nothing more but to get Abby safely inside, behind a closed and locked door.
Wrap this up Abby, time for bed. The fact that she doesn't move tells me she's ignoring me - completely.
"So, will you go with me?" He asks softly.
"Yes."
He kisses her once more before shooing her back into the warm house, to my relief. She rushes through the kitchen and living room and back up the stairs, not bothering to be quiet this time. After returning to her room she pushes the window curtains back to see that he is still under the tree. She waves and he returns the gesture before blowing a kiss up to her window. As he walks away I think he's nothing like Ryan Burke. Nothing.
Oh, Abby. How are you ever going to get back to sleep now?
***
Morning comes too quickly. I didn't do much during the night because Abby was up until well past three and even after she fell asleep she tossed and turned incessantly. If I could yawn I'm sure I would.
Okay, time to start a new day Abby! Let's get up and shower and get ready for school!
I try to ignore the fact that I sound like the mother I never had and follow Abby around her bedroom and bathroom until she is done with her new morning routine. She spends over ten minutes brushing her teeth just in case Donny kisses her again today.
On the way to school she tells her new friend Joei all about the night before. Joei is younger but taller than Abby but her voice is child-like and her excited screech is ear-piercing. I don't need my ears around to know they are ringing in protest.
There are two more kisses from Donny before lunch even comes and what I think may be an A on her math test, so it's safe to say that she had a good school day. By the time we are back at home and Abby is sitting down at the small desk made of particle board preparing her homework, I ready myself for what I'm assuming will be an internal struggle. I know that soon I will drift away from her and I don't want it to be before I've had a chance to say everything that needs to be said. I know I won't be called back to the Station early like I was with Sloan but I'm still nervous about leaving any loose ends. Abby will be my first successful case. I'm sure of it.
When she is finished with her homework and settles onto her twin bed with a book, I start before I lose my nerve. I think she's ready. I hope she's ready.
Abby…there will be people that hate you for what your father did. But you need to know it's not your fault. Sometimes things go wrong. You need to accept that. You need to know that you will be okay. You're amazing. You can have an amazing life if you choose to live it.
I feel the hot tears start trailing down her cheeks but she doesn't wipe them away. She lets them spill over her jawbone and cascade down the sides of her throat and around to the back of her neck until they pool on the pillow beneath her head.
Abby…you will never be alone. You will find love, friendship and happiness. Believe in yourself Abby, always believe in yourself…
***
I imagine what I feel later that night as Abby sleeps is like those out of body experiences people talk about. Floating above your body, knowing you are temporarily stuck between the place you knew and what lies beyond and yet feeling at peace. That's what my departure is like. I just sort of glide out of her with this overwhelming sense of harmony and tranquility. It's beautiful.
It's not until I feel the connection break completely that I'm aware of my body parts again and the annoying and incredibly uncomfortable pinching sensation starts at my feet and quickly spreads up my body. I brush at my arms, even though I know there is nothing there. It's such a stark contrast to the feeling of peace that I had leaving Abby and immediately I feel drained. I crash back into my reality with so much emotional force that I almost start to cry. It doesn't help that it feels like ants the size of roaches are crawling all over my face. I remember that Niles said some people claim their transition feels like tickling. At this moment I want to find each and every one of those people…and punch them in the nose.
***
When I arrive back at the Station the first thing I feel is the cool floor under my naked feet and I tuck my toes in, pretending the ground is grass and that my toes are deep inside the moist soil of a Pennsylvania forest. For just a moment I let myself feel sad as I realize it's a sensation I won't ever experience again, at least not in my own body. I spend at least a full minute standing in the dark room allowing my imagination to take me to the woods of Erie. I drag my fingers up and down my arms to simulate the feeling of rough tree bark against my skin and imagine that I'm twenty, thirty, forty feet up in the air climbing a giant conifer.
When I open my eyes I see nothing but black. I'm not perched on the top of the highest tree in the woods, or walking barefoot through cool, damp grass. I'm standing in one of the Depot arrival rooms. Who knew it was possible to miss trees so much?
I take a deep breath and step forward, knowing that the doorknob will find its way to my palm practically on its own and the moment my warm skin meets the cold metal the door slides effortlessly open. Light floods in around me from the hallway and there to greet me is Niles. I rush into his waiting arms and sigh deeply into his blue sweater vest.
He's patting me on the back and though I can't see his face, I know he's smiling. "I take it this case ended better than the last?"
I nod into his slightly squishy chest. "I did it. I he
lped her." I beam up at him.
"Yes, dear, you definitely did. How does it feel?" He asks.
"Amazing."
The wrinkles around his eyes deepen as his smile broadens. "That's how it's supposed to feel. If you do it right." He winks at me and points to Abby's card that is in the portal slot I used for Sloan. "Don't forget that."
I cross the room in three strides and pull the slate gray card from the wall. I tenderly hug the thick glass to my chest, this is all that is left of Abby after-all.
***
We leave the Depot room in happy spirits and enter the long hallway that leads to the other side of the Consignment Department. Niles walks beside me in the hall as we weave around a handful of others. He's listening to the highlights of Abby's case with interest until he notices Carlson bounding toward us with his metal clipboard clutched tightly to his thin chest, as usual.
"Is everything okay, Carlson?" Niles asks him.
"Yes, yes. But I need to speak with you Abbot," he pauses to clear his throat and sends a nervous glance in my direction. I just got back, surely I couldn't have done something wrong, could I? "It's um, it's about her."
"Piper?" Niles seems just as surprised as me. I have done something.
Carlson bobs his head up and down and looks at me again with an almost pained expression on his face. Wow, this must be bad.
"I'll be right back, Piper. Okay?" Niles tries to smile at me, but it doesn't do much good. I can't speak so I just nod my head and watch them walk down the hall together, disappearing into one of the small rooms. Oh crap. What's happened now?!
***
I stand awkwardly in the hallway holding Abby's glass card to my chest like it's a life raft. I feel like I'm floating alone in the sea and every time someone walks past me and bumps into my arm or shoulder the sensation startles my body and my insides rise up and down, like waves from an ocean storm.
Dying To Forget (The Station) Page 13
