by Annie Brewer
I shrug, causally. I care about Landon but it’s the same thing every day. He wants a piece of me I can’t give to him. Why can’t I just give it to him? I’m not a virgin but I’d decided years ago the next time I had sex; it would be with someone I loved and someone who loved me back. I was tired of being used. Things happened in high school I’m not proud of and would rather forget. It’s no big deal, really but I’ve been with Landon for years off and on and haven’t been able to cross that line with him yet. We’ve known each other since we were in sixth grade.
“I don’t know. I do care about him but,” I shake my head frowning, “I just can’t seem to step over that invisible line with him. I can’t. I don’t know, maybe I’m destined to be alone because I just don’t want to be intimate with anyone.” Not that I’ve tried.
“Listen, don’t give in just because you feel guilty or pressured. And don’t let him convince you to. When you’re ready, and your heart tells you it’s time, then give in.” I listen to her advice and appreciate her caring nature. Of course my roommate and best friend, Andi tells me I just need to get laid. But that’s how she operates, not me. I’d rather have a connection with the person, a deep emotional one. I don’t really have that with Landon, not like I thought I would or could. I guess being with him is safe and easy so I don’t really steer. I’m not really good with relationships anyway, to be honest. My parents were very affectionate and loving so it’s not like I wasn’t raised by good people, except after my mother’s death, I kind of lost that affection from my father.
“Thanks.” What if I never fall in love? What does that even feel like? At least I won’t die a virgin; I guess I can be grateful for that. I shake my head, mostly to knock the thoughts out of my brain. The last thing I need is to obsess about falling in love. I’ve got more important goals to focus on. “Well, I’m out of here.” I tell my boss as I turn to leave. She follows me out to the lobby.
“Call or text if you need anything. Have a great weekend.” I hug her goodbye and thank her. I guess it pays to be a hard worker and dependable. We are open Saturdays but for the last year, Amanda has given me the weekends completely free. She knows I’ll come in if need be. But it works out because on the weekends, I sing at Midnight bar with my friends, to let loose and have fun. Sometimes my boss will actually join us. She’s quite entertaining when she does, but it’s not often. Midnight is the only bar in our small town of Waldrip, Colorado. There’s a long stretch of highway, trees, grass and nothing until civilization. Living thirty minutes outside of town sucks but does have its advantages. But thank God for the bar, although we do have a bank, Starbucks, and a few other shops and buildings. It’s the less interesting part of Colorado, not so much where the mountains and beautiful scenery is. The population has grown over the years; where it was at 597 a few years ago. It’s just under a thousand now. There’s a couple rivers and lakes around and a wildlife park and a museum. I’ve seen it all and I like going skiing and rock climbing, which we have to drive out of town to go to the indoor gym to rock climb. I guess our town isn’t that boring, but it’s definitely not hot shit either.
I’d prefer to live in a small town though. I love being under the stars, which you don’t get to see in the city. I love the quiet. I’m used to it, being alone with my thoughts. I always dreamt of visiting New York City one day. I just don’t see that happening, It’s a pipe dream or a bucket list goal. Either way, I just enjoy it on TV or movies, for now. It’s as good as I’m going to get. I’m afraid I’d get lost in such a big city, it’s overwhelming to think about.
I get in my old car, starting her up but realize there are funny noises happening from the engine. Ugh, I need a new, reliable car. Another expense to add to my list. I drive home slowly, making it but still paranoid that my engine will heat up or I’ll blow a gasket. I’m not too car savvy. I’m just glad my apartment is not too far of a drive from work.
“I’m home.” I lay my keys on the kitchen counter when I enter. The TV is turned off, which rarely happens. Andi likes to have it on all day. Heaven forbid it’s too quiet.
Since I started working at seventeen, I saved up money to move out of Andi’s parent’s house. Technically, I was still living at my house but I just stayed at theirs so I wasn’t alone. When we turned eighteen, we got an apartment with her dad, Jim as a co-signer. I needed to build up my credit since I had none, so I’d gotten a credit card. I only used it for emergencies. Andi got a job to help pay bills. Jim bought her a red Porsche. I got stuck with a used POS that I put more money into fixing than it was worth.
I plop down on our comfy beige couch and grab the remote, surfing through the channels. “Maddy?” I hear Andi call from the bathroom.
“It’s me.” A few minutes later Andi stalks into the living room wrapped in her long beach towel, her hair dripping onto our light brown carpet. “Hey.” I greet her.
“Hey, how was your day?” Andi asks, walking into our kitchen. She takes out the coffee pot and begins making it. My mouth waters. I could drink a pot by myself, I’m such an addict.
“Oh you know the usual. Except today, we had to put Angel to sleep. That sucked.”
She turns around, her blue eyes filled with sympathy. “God, I’m so sorry Maddy. How did Mrs. Wheeler take it?”
I take a seat at the small square kitchen table. Andi grabs our coffee cups and joins me, while the coffee grinds. “Better than I did. Amanda wanted to send me home.” She places her hand over mine which is comforting. She knows how hard death is on me. She also knows how much I love animals. I’ve never had one, but working with them, saving them, is the biggest accomplishment in my eyes. I know we can’t save them all, which sucks.
“I’m sorry honey. I know how much Angel meant to you.” Her voice is soothing and I smile, grateful for her.
“I don’t know Andi, there are days I question my ability to be a vet. Am I way over my head with this dream? Maybe I’m just kidding myself.”
She shakes her, “You’re human, with feelings who doesn’t like to see animals suffer or feel pain. Really, I’m sure many who are like you. It’s normal. You’ll do great. I know it.” It’s why I never owned an animal once we got our own place. I didn’t want to deal with the pain of losing them when they were sick or old. I get too attached. I watch all those animal cop shows and I watch how the Vets deal with having really sick and abandoned animals that need rescuing and I wonder how they do it. I’d go apeshit. How can someone hurt an innocent animal? I just don’t get it. I end up yelling at the TV and change the channel.
Andi walks back to the coffee pot and fills our cups. “Let me get dressed. I’ll be right back.” She pulls her towel tighter around her body. A body most girls envy and most guys drool over. She’s not toothpick thin but she’s got the curves to go with her five foot five inch frame. Along with the prettiest blue eyes and of course the silkiest, long blonde hair. I always wanted blonde hair. I also wanted a tattoo, which I almost got a couple years ago. It’s not that I’m afraid to get one, I’m still hoping to one of these days. I just don’t know what to get. A tattoo is something you need to really think about in terms of being happy with it twenty, thirty years from now. I don’t want to get something and then regret it later. It’s a permanent thing.
I get up and mix my sugar and milk with my coffee to perfection. Spaced out, I think about Angel and my mom. I’m not a religious person, but I hope there is something beyond this life where people go to reunite with their loved ones. That thought gives me hope. Maybe I’ll see my mom again.
“Okay, we’re going out tonight. It’s Friday and today has sucked for you, so go put on a hot outfit and get ready for a fun time.” Andi sits down with her cup, fully dressed in a mid-length red dress that shows her legs and enough just cleavage to keep it decent and not come off too easy. Slowly I come back to, remembering my mind being elsewhere. Yeah, I could use a drink or two. And I love to go and sing at our favorite place, where I can unwind and have fun with my friends. Music is a b
ig part of my life, thanks to my mother. Her influence when I was young left me dreaming of being on the stage. But I never really pursued that dream. I was too busy on making a life for myself, working and trying to find a way into the Vet dream.
The DJ, Jeff wanted me to sing at Open Mic night. I decided as much as I wanted to sing as a career, for a real audience, it just wasn’t feasible. Also I felt too much pressure being in the spotlight. With karaoke, it’s not that big a deal because half the audience is drunk anyway so I wouldn’t have to worry about meeting anyone’s expectations. I’m sure my mother wants me to do what makes me happy in life, which I’m getting there. I think.
“Okay, I’m down.” I place my empty cup in the sink and get ready for some kick ass karaoke. I just don’t know what I’m going to wear. I planned on coming home and lounging around in my pajamas all night, watching action flicks. It’s warm to wear a short dress or skirt. I shuffle through my clothes in my closet.
Too bright. Too dark. Not classy enough. Too slutty, that’s Andi’s style. Maybe another night. PERFECT!
I settle on a tight pair of skinny jeans which thankfully my ass fills out just the way I like it. I’m not ashamed to say, I’m proud of my ass. Now my hips, they’re a different story. They make trying on pants an impossible task. I’m not in the dressy mood tonight. I look through my shirts to find a flattering top that will look sexy and appropriate for the shoes I want to wear. I grab my clothes and make my way to the bathroom for a shower. Once I close the door, I hang the clothes on the towel rack and undress. I shiver as the air hits my body, and goose bumps cover my arms. I quickly turn the faucet on, until it’s the perfect temperature before getting in. I stand underneath the shower head, letting my skin feel the warmth of the water. The day’s pain fades into my memory and I close my eyes, allowing the stream to hit my face, numbing my senses. I open my eyes and squirt shampoo into my palm and lather it into my hair, scrubbing my scalp until I’m sure I’ve covered every inch, at least a dozen times. I can smell the lavender scent; I smile. My mother’s favorite smell was lavender.
I take the loofa off the hook of the shower wall and squeeze my body wash onto it. The fruity fragrance fills my nostrils as I caress my skin, scrubbing the soap over my entire body clean. Once I’m satisfied and rinsed, I shut off the water, dry myself with the towel and get ready for the tonight.
Chapter 4
Maddy
It’s half past 9 now and there’s a knock at the door. I’m more excited now about going out than I was earlier. I’m ready to shake my ass and have some fun. “I want to sing and dance. We should put in Pour Some Sugar On Me.” I tell Andi. Our hair is done and makeup is perfected.
“Oh I’m so with you on that. We’ll rock the stage girl.” I smile.
Andi opens the door, letting Landon and Derrick enter our domain. They both look nice as usual. They’re both in jeans and nice shirts and their hair is fixed more than usual. The bar is casual so it’s not like we have to dress up every time we go there. Landon has dark blonde hair and brown eyes and the athletic type. Derrick has dark hair and brown eyes and the in-between type. Andi used to date him. Well, they’re still involved but not exclusively. More of the friends-with-benefits bull shit. He’s one of my best friends too. The four of us have stuck together since after high school. Derrick and Landon are total opposites, personality wise. Derrick gets along with everyone and doesn’t like fighting; Landon is the asshole, more like the outspoken one. Sometimes he takes things too far though. But we all care for each other and would do anything for the others.
Landon and I have been “together” for years. Although, we’ve had sex in high school, I ended that with him. I care for Landon, but all he wants is sex. He doesn’t want to commit. And well, I won’t give him sex. But I still stay with him. I’m not sure why I bother or why he bothers. I’m not in love with him and my thing is, I want to wait for that guy who doesn’t know about my past. I feel like Landon only sticks around because he feels sorry for me. I don’t need pity. I just need that feeling of being wanted and desired and loved and cherished. And it to be deeper than sex. Until I find that, I won’t sleep with anyone.
“Well, damn, you ladies look hot.” Landon says with a twinkle of mischief in his eye.
“You don’t look so bad yourself.” I wink. He closes the distance between us and nuzzles my neck. He smells of peach.
“Okay, enough standing around, we’ve got some drinking to be drank and songs to be sung. Time to roll.” I can see in Landon’s eyes he has other things in mind. Yeah, time to go.
We pile into the Porsche and cruise to our destination.
Midnight Bar is an establishment Bill and Peggy Stone fixed up several years ago. It used to be a grocery store but was transformed into a simple bar with midnight blue wall paper, tiled floors, a stage and full length pool tables. Luckily it’s a No Smoking bar and not one where you simply can’t breathe when you walk through the door.
We pull up to the busy parking lot, bodies scurrying out of their cars, in and out of the bar. Karaoke starts around nine-thirty. “I’ll go get us a table.” Derrick says when we enter. I recognize some faces here and there. Living in a small town, you tend to run into someone you know.
“I’m going to talk to the Stones.” Landon walks away. Loud music is blaring over the speakers.
‘Want a drink?”
“Who’s he talking to?” Andi looks annoyed, I turn to see who she’s glaring at. Derrick is talking up a petite blonde in a black dress, that barely holds her boobs in place. Man, some women have no self-respect.
“God, what a slut!” I blurt out.
“Should I have worn something more revealing?” Andi looks down at her dress and turns her ass in my direction. I scoff in disbelief.
“As if. That chick clearly forget her brain somewhere. Don’t demean yourself. You look hot. And classy. She has no class.” She frowns. I bump her shoulder with mine. “Andi, stop it. Let’s get a drink and then we can dance.” She follows me to the bar. “Hey Joe.”
“What’ll it be tonight ladies?” I purse my lips together, glancing at her. But she just shrugs. “Okay, we’ll have a shot of Jager.”
“Ewww, no I want a beer.” I shake my head telling Joe to get us shots.
“Hell no, not tonight Bestie. We’re going to live wildly. No beer. Beer is boring.” Joe passes our shots and I take them gratefully and hand Andi hers. She looks at it suspiciously, glaring at me. “You wanted us to have fun so that’s what we’re doing dammit. Come on, drink up.” I salute my glass and slug it back quickly. The liquid contents flow down my throat, burning but I ignore it.
I slam the glass down forcefully, ready for another. “Okay, you need to slow down Maddy. We’ve got all night.” She snaps her fingers at Joe to get his attention. “Can we have water?”
Andi being the voice of reason for once. I think it’s more about keeping her car clean. I grab her arm, tired of standing around. We get on the dance floor, abandoning our drinks. I shake my hips as my arms flail about. Finally Andi loosens up and gets into the rhythm too. People are brushing up against each other. Red Red Wine plays, everyone moves their bodies, laughing. I drink water in-between my alcohol. Andi excuses herself to the ladies’ room. I approach the bar for another drink. As I’m heading back to the table, I’m pulled aside. “Hey, can we talk?” Derrick asks. I look around for the no-class hooch.
“Where’s the blonde?”
“I don’t know. Did Andi see us talking?”
“Were you trying to make her jealous?” He looks away, guilty. I feel bad for putting him on the spot. It’s not like they’re dating. He has a right to talk to whoever he wants. “Look, I don’t care what you were doing. Just quit playing games with her.”
“I’m not. We were just talking. Andi and I are…well you know. We’re nothing anymore. I’m entitled to talk to who I want, same goes for her. But if anyone is playing games, it’s her. I wanted to commit, she doesn’t so whatever.”
&
nbsp; “Okay, chill. I was just making a comment. I don’t want to see my best friend hurt is all. And that means you too. But I get it, she’s not innocent either.” Andi approaches us, as we’re about to get back on the dance floor, I spot her parents. “Look who showed up.” Andi follows my gaze and then swears under her breath. “Okay, this is awkward.”
“At least they waited until you were out of the house to show up to your hang out spot.” I offer but it doesn’t help. Her parents are really cool. They pretty much raised me after the accident that claimed my mother. And my father, I suppose. Maybe if I was in her shoes, I’d see the problem in hanging out with them at a bar. Don’t all parents wanna be cool like their kids?
“I’ll be right back.” She tries to stop me but misses my arm.
“Can I have this dance, Mr Harper?” I ask, casually. He blinks in surprise. Melanie hugs me. “Well, this is a surprise, being at the same hang out.” She laughs.
I chuckle. “It’s not like there’s that many options in this town.” We all laugh. You can always go to the next town but that’s like a twenty minute drive and after a few drinks, it’s not really wise. I look at Jim, waiting. “Well, are you gonna leave a lady hanging? Or do I need to beg?” He chuckles and rises from his seat.
“Oh Jim, go dance with your adopted daughter.” Melanie says, giving me a wink. We get out on the dance floor. Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight” fills the bar. I smile. I love that song, really emotional. It’s the kind of song a daughter would dance with her father at the school dances in middle school. I wonder what that’s like. Sadness fills my chest as I think of my own father. I miss him. I wish he would talk to me. After everything that’s happened, he shouldn’t have to deal with it alone.
