by Erin Osborne
“It ends when the bitch that stole every good part of me comes home. When I get the light that you’ve all found back. Harley took everythin’ good in me and ripped it to shreds when she left. Do you even understand that?” I ask, yelling at the man that’s been by my side more times than I can count.
“Did you even read the letter that arrived for you?” he asks, continuing to stoke the fire burning deep when it comes to talking, or thinking, about my girl. I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, she stole my heart and I won’t ever get it back. If I only knew what she was truly going through right now, maybe I wouldn’t feel the way I do.
“No, I didn’t read the fuckin’ thing. If she wants me to know what’s goin’ on, all she had to do was tell me,” I answer him, sitting back on the stool I didn’t realize I got off in my quest to get the anger out of me.
“Do you still have it?” he asks, not taking any offense to my anger and getting in his face. Instead he just continues sipping his beer like we’re having a normal conversation as I nod my head yes. “Let me read it then. I’ll find out what’s goin’ on and we’ll go from there.”
I take a few minutes to think about Crash’s request. A major part of me has wanted to read the letter so many times, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to see the words telling me that we’re over before we ever began. And I certainly didn’t want to read words about her needing to get away because everyone leaves her. The circumstances she’s talking about weren’t her fault. I definitely see where she’s coming from, but she needs to open her eyes and know that not everyone is going to leave her because of her brother or what has happened in the past. All I want to do is have her back and be there for her. Everyone else in the club, associated with club, and all the girls at the Kitty Kat would have her back and not leave if she just gave us the chance.
“Yeah, come to my room. Not a fuckin’ word about this to anyone,” I tell him, letting my face show how serious I am about him keeping this shit to himself.
We make our way to my room and I unlock the door. Taking a deep breath, I let him follow me in to the trashed space that used to be neat and organized. Since I trashed it months ago, I haven’t had the energy or want to clean it and fix the damage I did. Eventually I’ll get around to fixing the walls and buying new furniture to replace the damaged and broken pieces scattered about the place. That’s not going to happen when I could give too shits about anything around me though. It’s like I’m just taking up space and time until I know where my girl is. I’m not living, I’m merely existing.
I walk over to what’s left of the bed and pick the envelope up from where it rests against my pillow. It smells like her and I know it’s the only thing that’s going to make me relax enough to close my eyes and get a few hours of shut eye. After hesitating, I hand the letter over to Crash and sit on the mattress sitting on the floor. I have no bed frame at the moment. Crash looks between me and the letter for a few minutes before he carefully rips it open. Watching him closely as he has my last tie to Harley in his hands, I see the look of rage cover his usually emotionless face. What the fuck is in that letter?
“You’ve been ragin’ over a bitch who has done nothin’ more than leave to protect herself, the girls at the Kitty Kat, and the club. You’ve been drinkin’ until your stupid drunk and pass out and lettin’ whatever random pussy on your cock. Maybe you should’ve read the letter when you fuckin’ got it,” Crash says folding the letter back up and sticking it in the envelop.
“What?” I ask dumbly, not letting the words sink in all the way.
“Read the fuckin’ letter and get your head out of your damn ass!” he yells before storming out of the room and slamming my already splintered door behind him.
I remain sitting on the bed with the words Harley wrote sitting in my hands. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and pull the folded piece of paper out. It’s like a lead weight is sitting on my shoulders as I carefully unfold the letter and open it up. My large hands are gentle so that I don’t rip the paper and ruin any connection I have to the girl that means the world to me. Even if I haven’t been showing it. Letting my eyes scan the pages, I take in the words that are breaking my heart in a million pieces. If Harley leaving didn’t already destroy me, this letter would definitely have done the job.
Steel,
I know you’re not going to agree with what I’ve done, but it’s the choice I made and I’m sticking to it. It makes sense when everyone that was ever supposed to be there for you has left and made you feel alone and like there’s something wrong with you. You wanted me to let you in, well, now there’s no reason not to do just that.
When Alan came back after my parent’s died, my young mind couldn’t grasp that the timing of his return was too coincidental. The only thing I thought about was that I was alone in the world. He brought back a sense of normalcy in the beginning that I lost in a matter of seconds as my world crashed around me. It didn’t take long for that feeling to change when he changed and started treating me like nothing more than a slave and someone to bring him money. Honestly, I was just waiting for the day that he started pimping me out, so he would have even more money.
There were nights when his friends were so fucked up they wanted a piece of me. Alan didn’t stop them, in fact he encouraged them to fuck me. I lost my virginity to some junkie that didn’t even use a condom. This happened night after night whenever these guys wanted to fuck me. I’m dirtier than you’ve ever known and that’s just one more reason I can’t ever let you in. There’s nothing left in me for anyone to find worthy, redeeming, or special. Everything that was mine has been ripped from me and there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do about it. Not then and not now.
The few friends that I did have at school left me behind as they were allowed to be teenagers. I watched from the sidelines as they started dating, joining cheerleading and other school activities. They ignored my presence and treated me like we didn’t have a past friendship. Some of the kids started picking on me and calling me names because of the things being said about my brother around town. I had no one to turn to so I keep everything in and hold it close. No one wants to hear about the shit I’m dealing with and the things I’ve gone through.
Just before I turned eighteen and graduated, I began applying for colleges that were as far away from Alan as I could get. Only I never got any of my mail, so I don’t know if I was ever accepted to any of them. Alan truly made sure that I was completely dependent on him and that I would stay with him no matter what he did to me. It only caused me to retreat inside my own little shell even more.
Meeting you and the rest of the guys from the club, the girls at the Kitty Kat, and the old ladies has been a blessing. I know that there are people out there that deserve to be happy and you’re one of them. Steel, I want nothing but the best for you. That’s why I’m leaving. I know that there’s nothing I can do there but bring trouble to your club and the girls in the strip club. Not only is my brother planning on paying the Kitty Kat a visit, he’s going to take your club down in one way or another. My being here is going to make that happen when it’s the last thing I want to see. I’m doing this to protect you and everyone around you. Not because I’m pushing you all away even more. Alan will follow through on his threats, you don’t know him like I do.
Plus, I just found out that I’m pregnant. I want this baby and I expect nothing from you. Please know that if things were different I’d be there with you so that you could be a dad if you wanted to be. My only saving grace is that I’ll always have a part of you with me. I didn’t want to tell you in a letter, but I can’t hear your voice and all the promises that you’ll make. You truly don’t know my brother and what he’s capable of. I have to protect our baby from him and his ‘friends’.
The morning I left, I got calls and messages from him. He showed me what you did to him. While I’m grateful that you did what you did, it’s going to bring nothing but trouble to everyone surrounding m
e. If I thought I was threatened before then, it’s nothing like what Alan was saying once you paid him a little visit. The only thing I could think to do was leave and make sure that you all were safe and didn’t have more shit to deal with. I’m sorry, but it was my choice to leave and I’ll stand by it forever. Alan is a mastermind and he will play you to get what he wants. I’m sure that he knows I’m gone by now and I’m looking over my shoulder for the day that he finally finds me.
Steel, the last thing I’m going to say is that you were breaking down my walls daily. I wanted to let you in more than you know. In the end, it wasn’t only about the sex for me. That’s part of the reason I chose to leave. You have the power to completely break me and I can’t have that happen with the things that he threatened me with. You have more of my heart than you know.
Harley
The words on the paper in my hand crush my very soul. I can’t believe the words that she finally told me. Everything makes so much more sense now. Her behavior, being a bitch and so hard to protect herself the only way that she knows how. Suddenly the words from one sentence ring through my head and I can’t catch my breath. I can feel sweat break out across my entire body and know that things are about to change for the rest of my life. Harley is out there somewhere with my kid.
Just to make sure, I check the date of the letter and see that she sent it not long after she left. By now, she’s had the baby and I wasn’t there for a single second of the pregnancy or birth. Granted, I never thought about having kids before, didn’t really want to have them. Now that it’s a reality, I want nothing more than to be the dad that I didn’t have growing up. She needs to be found and now. My child and her have no protection and there’s no one there to help her. I’m not there to help her when she needs it the most. Our lives are about to change for sure. I don’t care what happens between Harley and I, but she’s coming home. She’ll have the protection she should’ve had since losing her parents and my child will be a daily part of my life.
I don’t even know if I have a son or a daughter, or what their name is. Do they look like me or Harley? Or, are they the perfect combination of the two of us? If we had a little girl, I’m not there to make sure that the boys leave her alone. I can’t cuddle her when her little heart gets broken or make sure her boo boos are cleaned, kissed, and taken care of. Harley is doing it all on her own. Fuck!
Scrambling off the mattress on the floor, I run out of the room with the letter still in my hand. Tech is sitting at the bar, one of my favorite places of late. I hand the letter over to him and let him read it. Harley will be pissed if she ever finds out, but he needs to know what we’re working against. I need him to pull all of his skills in to find my girl. To find my baby. Shit!
“Well, things are changed now then aren’t they?” he asks, standing from the stool and rushing toward his room.
Just as I go to follow him, Gage comes out of his office followed by Riley. He looks at me and knows that something is going on. I can tell that he wants to ask me about it, but I haven’t exactly been the person that anyone wants to talk to these days. So, I hand the letter off to him in my haste to follow Tech to his room. He’ll give it back to me, I know he will. And I know that Tech and Gage will keep it to themselves. They won’t let the club know any more than what they have to know. I can’t believe that I thought Alan would change. Granted, this all happened before he got sober, but it’s still because of his actions and words that Harley left. It’s all because of my actions too.
Walking into Tech’s room, I don’t bother knocking on the open door. He knew I’d be following him to see what we can find out. Hell, I know he hasn’t been looking for her since I started drinking and being the king of assholes. I don’t blame him either. Everyone that knows Harley knows how reserved and intimidated she feels. Underneath her hard exterior, she’s just a girl that wants love and attention. It’s what she needs and I’m going to be the one to give it to her. Yeah, we have to work up to that because I am pissed as fuck right now. She took this from me and I’m not going to miss any more than I have to.
“Okay. I have a listin’ for a Harley Adams in Savage Bend. Do you think it’s the same girl?” he asks, turning to face me for a brief second before facing the monitors in front of him again.
“I don’t know. It’s not like she’d be goin’ to someone she knows. From what little she said and what that letter said, there wasn’t anyone in her life but us and the girls at the Kitty Kat. Does it say anythin’ about a baby?” I ask, letting my hopes rise for the first time in a year.
“Give me a second,” he says, typing away on his keyboard to pull up several more screens.
The wait is killing me, and I know that it’s only a matter of time before my world either crashes down around me or I get the answers that I desperately need. I’m so in my own head that I don’t hear anyone come in the door to find out what’s going on. A hand on my shoulder lets me know that the person has my back no matter how much of a dick I’ve been. Turning my head, I see Gage standing next to me, the letter in hand. I want to snatch it from his hands, so I know it’s safe, but I don’t. I’m not going to risk ripping the letter, the last connection I have right now to Harley and my baby.
“I got a Harley Adams that had a baby girl about three months ago named Quinn Taylor Adams. No dad is listed on the birth certificate. She was workin’ at a local gentleman’s club before goin’ out on maternity leave. I’m not seein’ where she went back to work just yet. I’ll keep diggin’ and see if I can get an address or phone number,” Tech says, not bothering to look back at us while typing away on his keyboard.
“Come talk to me,” Gage says, leading the way from the room and to the main room.
We grab a beer and sit down at a table away from everyone else. There’s only a few guys here and I know that they’re giving me a wide berth. Most of them have been for a while now. I don’t say much and when I do, I talk shit trying to start a fight. It’s not right, or fair, and I’m going to have to get ahold of myself if I want to get Harley back. And keep her here this time.
“Where’s your head at?” Gage asks, sipping his beer and studying my every move and facial feature.
“I’m pissed first and foremost. How could she keep this from me?” I ask, thinking that maybe he’ll have a clue when I don’t. “I want to bring them home and protect them. Make sure that Harley knows she has people at her back and I want to get to know my daughter. I may not have wanted children before, but somethin’ changes in you when it’s there and you can’t do anythin’ about it. I want Quinn and Harley in my life. No matter what happens with Harley and me, she’s my daughter’s mom and I’ll always be there for her.”
“You read the same words I did. The only thing I can say is it’s goin’ to be a long and hard battle. You’re gonna have to fight for every single inch. And, you’re goin’ to have to give up some of your own shit. She needs to know that you trust her as much as you want her to trust you,” he responds, setting the beer bottle down and looking me dead in the eyes. “Steel, you can do anythin’ you want to. Now, you have a daughter out there and you need to decide if you’re all in or if you’re goin’ to half ass at playin’ daddy when the mood suits you. If that’s the case, leave Harley alone. Let her do what she set out to do.”
“I’m not playin’ at anythin’. I want my daughter every single day. I’ve already missed moments that I can’t get back. Now, I refuse to miss anymore. Bein’ the jackass I was, not openin’ the letter, it’s not goin’ to be easy. But, I’m willin’ to fight for her and Quinn. Regardless, Harley and I will have to start over and make different choices in how we handle this shit,” I tell my Pres, and friend, honestly.
We sit there, each in our own thoughts, for a few minutes. I’m thinking of what I have to do to get ready for Harley and my baby girl to come home. Because you can bet your ass one way or another they are coming home. I have a lot of work to do and things to get done before then. My thoughts turn to the list of things
that I have to get and the way I want our relationship to work out in the end.
Harley
I never thought my life would change as dramatically as it did when I left Dander Falls. The reality of my situation isn’t ideal, but it’s my life and I’m doing the best I can. My one saving grace is that Alan hasn’t found me, and I pray that he never does. Quinn, my three-month-old baby girl, is too precious for him to even learn about. If anything were to ever happen to her because of him, not only would I kill him myself, I’d never forgive myself. It would destroy me to know something happened because of me. This is when my thoughts make me want to return to Dander Falls. There Steel and the rest of the club would be there to protect my daughter. Here I have no one.
Now, my life is spent working, as a bar tender at a strip club, taking care of Quinn, and trying to live my life as best as I can. I still don’t have any friends, and I don’t let anyone in. It’s never going to be easy for me to let people in. The only one that’s come close is my neighbor and she doesn’t know anything at all about my past. She helps me with Quinn when I have to work, and I’m scared to death to leave her alone not knowing what Alan’s doing. I jump at my own shadow most days so leaving my baby girl terrifies me. Kim keeps her doors locked though and I know that she won’t let anyone in that she doesn’t know.
Shortly after I moved away from Dander Falls, I found out that I was pregnant. I wrote Steel a letter about it, and about more stuff that I’ve been through, and never heard from him. Honestly, I didn’t really expect to hear from him, that’s why I didn’t make it easy for him to get ahold of me. I’m not off the grid or hiding from Steel and the club. The only one I’m still trying to hide from is Alan. I’ll forever hide from him, especially knowing that I have Quinn to protect. I would do anything to protect her including give my life for hers.
