by Erin Osborne
My man looks at me one more time before he unlocks the door and tells the prospect guarding it to wait upstairs. Looking through the bars in the door, I see Alan curled up on the floor in a puddle of his own piss and vomit. Instead of my heart breaking at the sight of him, I almost want to laugh in his fucking face. This man has tormented and tortured me for so long and I can finally let some of this shit I’ve been holding in for so long out. I think this is truly what I need to get some closure on that chapter of my life.
Steel opens the door and I take a few steps inside the cell that’s holding my brother captive until he can go through the fate that the men of the Wild Kings have in store for him. For now, it’s enough for me to get in a kick or two along with the words that I want to shout at him about how he destroyed my life and made me a shell of the girl I should’ve been growing up. So, I circle him until his eyes look up and find me. It takes everything in him to focus on who’s in here with him.
“Little Sister is that you?” he asks, his voice small and weak with the battering his body is going through right now.
“It is me. You’re going to listen to me and hear what I’m saying to you once and for all. When we were growing up, I used to worship the ground you walked on. In my eyes, you could do no wrong. At least until the day that you started letting the drugs take over and rule your life. You went from a brother that I loved and respected to a person that disgusted me and used me for whatever you could get. There wasn’t a day that went by that you weren’t degrading me, beating me, and making sure that I was kept under your thumb. Every single dime that I earned, you took and smoked, shot in your veins, or snorted up your nose. When I chose to stand up for myself, you took to beating me and letting your friends in to rape me. The path that I’ve walked down, pushing everyone away, and not letting anyone in my life close enough to learn the truth about what I’ve been through,” I tell him, making sure I hold his eyes and that he’s paying attention to me. When his eyes leave mine, I land a swift and brutal kick in his stomach that knocks the wind from his body.
“Eventually, I could’ve forgiven everything you put me through. Because now I have a family and people in my life that would take a bullet to protect me from scumbags like you. You crossed a line when you took our daughter from us. Do you know what it’s like to lose something in your life that means everything to you? Have you ever thought about what your actions are going to cost someone else? I will never forgive you, and I won’t ever think twice about what’s about to happen to you. I hope you rot in hell, brother,” I say, standing up from my kneeling position and turning my back on the only blood relative I had left.
“You’re nothing but a fucking slut! Do you know why I’ve done everything to you that I have? It’s because you were always mom and dad’s golden child, you could do no wrong and were the light of their life. They pushed me to the background and all but forgot about me,” Alan mutters as his weak body continues to give out before me. “Taking your daughter from you was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made because it made you feel a small fraction of what I’ve felt for years surrounded by you. Not only are you a slut, you’re a greedy bitch that needs to be put down. Eventually, everyone around you will see that and walk away from you,” Alan spews at me, cringing and curling in on himself once again with the loss of energy from spitting his rage at me.
Before Steel can go after him, I put my hand on his chest to stop him from moving. Once I know he’s going to stay where he is, I walk forward again and kneel down in my brother’s face. His rank breath and body odor hit me square in the face, making me recoil in disgust. I have nothing left to say to him, his opinion doesn’t matter to me anymore. So, I do the one thing I’ve never like and spit right in his nasty face. As soon as I stand up, I begin to throw kick after kick at any body part I can reach with my short legs. I don’t stop until I feel strong arms wrapping around me from behind and pull me back against a hard chest.
Tears that I’ve held in for so long stream down my face and I can’t do anything to stop them. After so many years, I’ve finally heard the reason that Alan turned his family away and treated me the way he did. It’s nothing that I’ve done, in fact it’s the way that Alan saw me. Our parents never once treated him different from me or anything like what he’s been thinking about. These tears signify so much pain, and now, the release of emotions I’ve held in for so long. This is my new beginning. My chance to live my life the way that I want to. It’s time to grow and learn to accept help and people being in my life. Alan can’t control me anymore. He doesn’t have anything else to use to get to me.
“You good angel?” Steel asks, almost carrying me in the direction of the long, dim hallway and back to the main level of the clubhouse.
I nod my head at him as we make our way back to his room and to our daughter. I can’t wait to lay eyes on her and feel her soft body against me. The last five days have been so hard, and I know that I can’t ever change the way I acted and treated everyone that was trying to be there for me. Sitting on the bed with Quinn in my arms, I watch as Steel walks out the door behind Darcy and Riley. The look I see on his face when he glances back in the room kills me; absolutely breaks my heart. Steel has the look of a man that’s no longer welcome near his family. I’m not sure what’s going through his head right now, but it’s nowhere close to what I want him to think. What happened with Alan was going to happen one way or another. This is not on him and I’m not going to be pushing him away.
“What’s going on?” Kim asks, as Steel closes the door behind him.
“I don’t know. He’s got some shit running through his mind that’s not true. He doesn’t think I want him around us, that I blame him for Quinn being taken,” I tell her, scooting back against the wall so that she can sit down with me.
“What are you going to do about it?” she asks, turning so that she can look at me and help me work through what I need to do now.
“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?” I ask, getting lost in my head while Quinn starts to drift off in my lap.
Chapter Eleven
Harley
IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE I SAID everything I had to say to Alan. The same amount of time has also passed since I’ve seen Steel. Kim and I spent a little while talking in his room at the clubhouse before Shadow knocked and said that he was to take us home. Kim stood up for me and said that she was more than capable of making sure we got to the house, but Shadow was following orders and told me that if Kim was driving, he was following us on his bike. Just as we got to the door in the common room, I looked around for my man and didn’t see him anywhere mixed in with everyone else.
“Where’s Steel?” I ask Shadow, stopping in the doorway until he answers me.
“Club business,” is the only response I get as he runs a hand down the back of his neck.
Of course, the answer is ‘club business’. I swear, that’s what they say when they don’t want to answer a question. At first, I thought he was staying behind so he could take care of Alan and then he’d be home. Now, it’s been a week and there’s been no contact from him at all. Yeah, I’ve heard a bike rumble slowly by the house more than a few times, and Shadow has been out front stuck on guard duty. The only time he leaves is when Wayne or Mike stop by to give him a break. No one will tell me a fucking thing either. Darcy and Riley are even playing games and I don’t know how I feel about this. I want to be their friend, but I don’t know if that’s going to be possible with whatever secret they’re keeping from me.
“Harley,” Kim calls out, walking upstairs and finding me in the nursery. I’ve been staying in here with Quinn, so I don’t have to sleep in that big bed all alone. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sitting here and trying not to cry or think. I don’t want to try to figure out what I did so wrong that makes him stay away. What did I do, Kim?” I ask, not being able to help myself or the tears that are streaming down my face.
“So, go fucking get your man! It’s n
ot you, or anything that you did. He’s taking Alan getting to your daughter on his shoulders because he feels like it’s his fault and he should’ve been there to stop it from happening. Go and kick his ass if you have to and make him see that you want him here with you two. I know you need him here, he doesn’t,” Kim says, walking over and taking Quinn out of my arms. “Quinn’s here with me, Fox, and Shadow. We’ve got her, and you can go get your man. Now, go take a shower and get cleaned up before you head over there.”
Looking at Kim, I know that she’s not going to let me get away with sitting on my ass and being miserable anymore. Over the past week, I’ve learned that Kim is quite outspoken and will tell you when she thinks you’re being an asshole or in the wrong. It’s an amazing sight to witness since she’s so short and most of the time looks like she’s afraid of her own shadow. In reality, she is one of the strongest people I know. There’s a past that’s hidden in her eyes filled with pain, loneliness, and suffering. I can’t imagine what would put the look on her face, but I’ll do whatever I can to help her get past it. Even if that means giving in to her demands or pushing her toward a certain biker that’s sitting in my living room waiting for her to go back down to him.
Fox, a member of the Phantom Bastards, has been in my house since the day we left the Wild Kings clubhouse. Within a matter of hours, he was knocking on the front door with dinner, beer, and told us he wasn’t leaving until Kim did. He’s made her laugh, share part of her story with him, and he’s done the same with her. When she gets too close to something that’s club related and he can’t talk about it, she gets the standard ‘club business’ response. I swear I hate those two words more than anything right now, and I didn’t think I’d hate anything more than Alan. Fox has made sure that we didn’t need anything, if we did need something then he went out and got it for us. He’s becoming a semi-permanent fixture in the house and it’s somewhat reassuring to know we have someone here to watch over us in Steel’s absence.
So, with no other choice, I make my way into the bedroom to get ready to go bring Steel home. Looking at the bed that’s sat empty for almost two weeks, I feel like a part of my soul is missing. There are tiny shards of my heart splintered throughout my entire body that only Steel can make hole again. I almost skip into the bathroom as a plan begins to form in my mind about how I’m going to get my man back. Because if there’s one thing that I’ve learned over the past two weeks, it’s that I love that man with every fiber of my being. I want him to raise our daughter with me, to be there when I get pregnant with any future babies we might have, and to grow old with. Steel is the only man that’s ever cared enough to break down the walls I surrounded my heart with and now he’s breaking my heart. Well, today is the last day that’s going to happen. It’s time we start our life without the worry of Alan hanging over our head. I’m ready to start making memories so he better get his ass on board.
I take a long, hot shower and make sure every ounce of grime, hate, regret, and pain is washed from my body. Everything is shaved, and I make sure that my hair is clean. Once I’m out and dressed in a pair of tiny shorts that hug my curves with a Wild Kings support tee covering my upper body, I sit down to do my make-up and hair. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten dressed up and felt so good about myself. Steel makes me want to do this though. He makes me want to feel as beautiful as he sees me. I apply the bare amount of make-up, mainly focusing on my eyes so that they pop. Applying a dark and smokey eye shadow, then finish it with a swipe of mascara. The only other thing I use is my favorite lip gloss. It makes my lips shine and tastes like strawberries. Riley got me turned on to it and I don’t know what I’d do without it now. Instead of throwing my hair up in a messy bun, I leave it down and curl it. My hair shines and flows down my back in curls that will fly up with the slightest breeze. But, this is about all I know to do with my hair. Darcy said she’d help me learn, and I’m going to take her up on that offer someday.
Walking downstairs, I see Fox and Kim sitting on the couch watching a movie with Quinn on the couch between them. She’s got her feet up in the air and is trying to catch her toes in her little hands. The whole time she’s babbling and gurgling to herself, not paying attention to the adults surrounding her, protecting her. It’s so hard for me to leave her right now, but I know that Fox and Kim won’t let anything happen to her. And, Alan is either taken care of or still locked up in the basement of the clubhouse. That’s the only reason why I’m leaving her home right now. If he were still out there, then I wouldn’t be leaving her alone with the three guards watching over her.
“I’ll be back soon. Thank you, Kim. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be sitting there overthinking everything about this,” I tell her, wanting her to know how grateful I am to her for giving me the verbal ass kicking.
“No problem babe. Now get your ass out of here and we’ll be right here when you get back. Take your time and get some while you have a babysitter,” Kim says, making me laugh as I make my way out the door and to her car.
My nerves begin to skyrocket the closer to the clubhouse I get. This moment could make or break Steel and me. With him not coming home for a week, I have no clue what his state of mind is or who he’s been spending his time with. The thought of him touching someone else absolutely kills me inside, but I have to remember that I don’t know if we’re even officially together. Yeah, we’ve been working toward that, but we never made anything official. Shaking my head, I clear the negative thoughts and focus on pulling into the parking lot that seems to be full. There must be a party going on tonight.
I park the car and get out, making sure that I look okay while second guessing my outfit. It’s not much, but I feel good in it, so I’m going to hold my head high and walk in there like I belong. Too bad all my fake bravado isn’t enough to prepare me for the sight that greets me when I walk through the open door. There’s music blaring from the stereo in the corner, the air is filled with smoke, and there’s people having sex all over the place. It looks like a giant orgy and I’ve never seen anything like it. There are people having sex against the wall, on the couches that I’ve sat on, one girl is even bent over the pool table. At this point, I’m surprised they’re not having sex on the top of the bar, but the night is young, so that could be a possibility.
I’m almost ready to turn around and head back to my car when I hand reaches out and grabs my arm in a tight grip. Looking around, I see Gage standing behind me. He can see the shock and hurt on my face. Especially when I don’t even bother looking around to see if I can find Steel. Tears are already forming in my eyes as I once again take in the scene before me. I can’t believe that Darcy and Riley take part in something like this! They don’t seem like the type that would openly have sex in a room full of people.
“Get the thoughts out of your head right now Harley,” Gage says, his voice rough and commanding. “He’s here, but he’s in his room. Yes, Darcy and Riley are here too but they’re out back where things aren’t quite as bad. If you came for your man, then I suggest you get back there and get through to him. He’s been beatin’ himself up for the last week. In his mind, he let you and Quinn down just like he let Becky down. Steel hasn’t been with anyone else, he’s been too drunk to do much of anythin’ other than pass out. I’ve talked to him and I’ve tried to get through. He needs to hear it from you. But it you’re not in this for real, then turn around and walk right back out that fuckin’ door. Am I clear?”
I nod my head, wipe away the stray tear that managed to escape, and go to pass Gage on my way to Steel’s room. “Thank you and I’m sorry,” I tell him as I pass by on the way to get my man back.
Feeling the eyes of more than a few people on me, I start walking faster and make it to the hallway without any incidents. There’s a couple in the corner right by Steel’s room and I really don’t want to interrupt them, but I’m not going to let it bother me. If they choose to have sex in a hallway then who am I to stop them. They obviously don’t care if anyone watches the
m, so I’ll leave them be and just get in the room I’m standing outside of. Please let him be sober. Or at least sober enough that I can talk to him and make him see what he’s throwing away by assuming shit and letting his past tarnish his future. Taking a deep breath, I open the unlocked door and the sight before me melts my heart.
Steel is leaning back against the headboard, one of Quinn’s blanket draped over his strong chest while he holds one of her stuffed animals that we’ve left here for her. There’s a picture in his hands and I see tears running down his face. This is not the strong, protective, commanding man that I’ve come to know. The man before me is a broken man and Quinn and I are the only ones that are going to be able to start putting him back together. I shut the door behind me and take another deep breath before I walk over to the bed.
“What are you doin’ here?” he finally asks as I step up next to him and come to a stop.
“I came to get my man and bring him home,” I answer honestly.
“I don’t have a home and I’m not your man. I’m just the guy that fucked everythin’ up and almost cost Quinn, an innocent baby, her life. Go back home, go back to your daughter,” he says, trying to push me away with the words coming out of his mouth.
“Fuck you, Steel. You don’t get to do this to us. You didn’t fuck anything up. If you want to blame someone for this shitshow, then you blame me. I’m the one that could’ve taken Quinn with me when we went shopping. I’m the one that brought Alan into everyone’s lives because he was my brother and I didn’t run so far away that none of you found us. So, stay in your fucking one-man pity party and miss out on our daughter’s life. Miss out on the memories that we could be making. You’re not the man I thought you were if you’re going to sit in here, drink your non-existent problems away, and choose to miss out on the most precious gift you’ve ever been given. Because if this is how you’re going to spend your life, then I’m going to turn around and go back to the house you bought, pack Quinn up, and leave. We’re here for you, and only you. If you don’t want to be with us, then I guess I had you all wrong. The man I fell in love with, he doesn’t exist,” I say, letting the words that I’ve never expressed to anyone since my parents fall freely from my lips as I yell at Steel. This might be the only way to break through the fog clouding his mind right now.
