Lucy began to cry again.
‘Look, Lucy, if he really can’t go, we’ll go without him.’
‘You’ll still come with me?’
‘Of course,’ Sarah said. ‘There’s no way on earth I’d let you go through all that by yourself.’
‘Thank you so much,’ Lucy said, her voice shaky with relief.
‘But do you still want to do it? You told Gabriel you weren’t going to. Have you changed your mind?’
Lucy shook her head. ‘I was just angry with him and wanted to say no to him and piss him off. But I have to do it, Sarah. I mean, it’s the only way out, isn’t it?’
Sarah said nothing. She watched her friend, trying to gauge her thoughts.
‘Yeah,’ Lucy said, nodding to herself. ‘We’ll go and just get it done.’
‘All right. So what are the arrangements, then?’ Sarah asked.
Lucy picked up her bag and took out Gabriel’s envelope. Even looking at it brought back an image of his glowering face and made her feel ill. She opened it and looked at the tickets.
‘Flight tomorrow at twelve forty-five,’ she said. ‘Can you get away without your mum going mad?’
‘Yeah, that won’t be a problem.’
Lucy looked at the brochure included with the tickets. ‘It’s a clinic in Marylebone Lane,’ she said, reading it. ‘Looks really nice. And the hotel is …’ she pulled out another piece of paper ‘… the Village Hotel. Looks very nice too.’ Her eyes welled. ‘I guess if I’m going to do it, I might as well do it in style. God, Sarah, I can’t believe this is happening.’ She broke down in tears.
Sarah pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly. If she ever she got her hands on that Tom, she’d tell him exactly what she thought of him.
5
Lucy tiptoed down the stairs, not wanting to meet anyone before she left. She didn’t want to have to lie any more, she just wanted to go.
The door from the shop opened and Tina looked into the kitchen. ‘You’re off then, love?’
Lucy nodded.
Tina walked over and gave her a hug. Then she looked directly into Lucy’s eyes. ‘Okay, pet, but please remember, if you change your mind and decide that this class trip isn’t for you, I’m here for you. Don’t do anything that feels wrong. All right?’
Lucy didn’t trust herself to speak. Did Tina know? Had she guessed? ‘I won’t be gone long, Mum,’ she said. ‘I’ll be home on Sunday.’
‘I’ll be waiting for you.’
Lucy kissed her mother’s cheek. She felt like her heart was breaking. She had never, ever thought things would turn out like this. It was like a nightmare, but soon she’d wake up and it would all be over.
The two young women sat in the busy airport bar, nursing coffees.
‘I didn’t know what to pack for an abortion trip,’ Sarah said. ‘I kept packing and unpacking. Eventually I just put in jeans and a sweatshirt. I doubt we’ll be going clubbing.’
‘Clubbing?’ Lucy looked at her friend and a bubble rose in her throat. She began to laugh. It was slightly hysterical and exploded out of her chest like a blessed relief from all of her worry. Sarah joined in and they were soon creased over.
Lucy wiped tears from her eyes. ‘God, Sarah, I needed that.’
‘Me too. I was so scared this morning that my mum, who barely notices I exist, actually asked me if I was all right.’
‘I think my mum knows,’ Lucy admitted. ‘She said to me this morning, “If you change your mind, I’m here for you.” She knows I’m not going on a class trip.’
‘Did it make you reconsider?’ Sarah asked.
‘God, no. There is no way I can have a baby. I need to finish my degree and get into a top firm, which means signing over my life to them. You have to be a slave to your job to climb the ladder.’
‘I know, but you also need to be one hundred per cent sure before you go ahead. I mean, if you have any doubts, we can postpone,’ Sarah said.
Lucy shook her head. ‘I still want to go ahead. It’s the only way to sort out this mess. But it’s weird – since Gabriel attacked me yesterday I feel really protective of the baby. It’s as if I have to look after it and keep it safe from that horrible man. I know it sounds mad, but it’s … It’s a strange feeling.’
‘Lucy, you could change your mind and keep the baby,’ Sarah said. ‘It would be complicated and difficult, and you’d have to take a year out of college, but you could go back after, finish your degree and still have a great career. Lots of women do it and you have two great parents who love you and will support you. I’ll help out too.’
Lucy bit her lip. ‘No way. I can’t do it to my dad. He’d die of shame and disappointment. He’s worked so hard to give us a good life and he’s so proud that I’m studying law in Trinity and coming top of the class. It would just kill him. I know it would.’
Sarah took her friend’s hand in hers. ‘Billy loves you. No matter what you do, that will never change. Yes, he probably will be upset and disappointed at first, but if you tell him you have a plan to defer for a year and then go back, and if you show him you’re determined to do it all, he’ll be okay. He adores you, Lucy. You can do no wrong in his eyes. You’re really lucky.’
‘But that’s just it, Sarah, I know he has me on a pedestal and I can’t disappoint him. It’s not fair.’
‘For goodness’ sake, Lucy, your dad grew up in the inner city with nothing. Most of his old friends are in prison or selling drugs – a baby isn’t going to kill him. You have two great parents, and even if they are upset, they’ll get over it – they’ll adore the baby and help you. If anyone can do it all, you can. You’re the most focused and hard-working person I know. You can make this work.’
‘What about Tom?’ Lucy said.
What about Tom? Sarah thought grumpily. Where was he now? Hiding under his bed, the coward. ‘Well, that’s something I can’t answer. How do you think he’d react if you told him you’d decided to keep the baby?’
Lucy paused. This conversation was ridiculous. She couldn’t have a baby. She was twenty-one. She had her whole life mapped out. Besides, Tom would … Well, Tom would probably … What would Tom do? He’d said he loved her, he’d said he’d be there for her after the abortion, so would he be there for her if she had the baby? They’d never even discussed the possibility. Lucy had just told him she was getting rid of it and that was that. But he’d never argued against it. He’d just gone along and seemed happy enough.
But he loved her and she loved him, and it would be their baby. It could bring them closer. Maybe it would finally make him stand up to his father. If she deferred for a year, Tom could continue and graduate next year as planned. It wouldn’t have to affect his life too much.
‘I think Tom might be okay about it,’ Lucy said. ‘But it’s ridiculous. I mean, where would we live? How would we support a baby?’
‘Well, you could stay with your mum and dad while you were pregnant and finish this year in college, and Tom could get a job in the summer and make enough money to rent a little flat or move in with you when the baby is born or something.’
Lucy tried to imagine Tom living in her parents’ house. It would be way too weird. They’d have to find a flat. But she could finish this third year of her law degree and she’d only have to defer her final year for twelve months. She could study while she was looking after the baby and get ahead on her year off so she’d do extra well in her exams and ace them.
Sarah bent towards her. ‘I can see your mind whizzing. What are you thinking?’
Lucy felt lighter, less weighed down. She felt hopeful for the first time in weeks. Maybe Sarah was right. Maybe she should think about it. She could always go to the clinic next week. She needed to talk to Tom. She needed to talk to her parents. She needed to be honest and stop lying and keeping secrets. Maybe she could be a mum and a successful lawyer. Why not? Look at Hillary Clinton: she’d had a baby and was a super-successful lawyer.
Sarah poked her. ‘Talk to me, w
hat’s going on in that head of yours?’
Lucy turned to her. ‘I still think the abortion is the best solution, but I’m not sure any more. Maybe I could do it, Sarah. I know you think Tom’s a shit for not coming with me, but he does love me and I never gave him the chance to discuss keeping the baby. I love him and he loves me, and it would only be a year for me to take off. I guess maybe it could work out. I don’t know. My head is spinning.’
They heard an announcement on the Tannoy that the flight to London was now boarding. The two girls looked at each other.
Sarah stood up and held out her hand. ‘Come on, let’s get you home. Call Tom, talk to him, then talk to your parents. You’ll figure it all out, but it’s better to be honest than sneaking around behind everyone’s backs. Whatever you decide, I’m with you. If you decide you do want to go to England, I’ll go with you. All the way.’
Lucy took Sarah’s hand and stood up. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘This might be crazy, but it kind of feels right.’ She glanced at the boarding gate. ‘Let’s get out of here.’
6
Lucy went back to Sarah’s house and tried to phone Tom. It rang out. The answering machine must have been full. She decided to leave her bag at Sarah’s and head into college to see if she could find him. She needed to talk to him, to see what he thought of her plan B. Would he tell her she was insane? Her heart was fluttering with anxiety.
Lucy trudged around Trinity for hours. She went to all the libraries, communal spaces, coffee shops, pubs and restaurants in the area, but there was no sign of Tom. She bumped into several of his friends, but no one had seen or heard from him in days.
After hours of walking she was exhausted. She had barely slept the night before. She felt like crying. Where the hell was Tom? She needed to talk to him. She tried calling his house phone at least twenty times, but it rang out every time. Damn it.
She was worn out and emotionally drained. She wanted desperately to talk to Tom but she’d have to wait until she saw him at lectures on Monday morning. Could she wait that long to tell her parents, though? She’d have to hide at Sarah’s until Sunday night and pretend she was on her class trip. Or … she could go home now and just tell the truth. Lucy decided that she couldn’t spend the weekend hiding and lying. She just couldn’t do it any more. She needed to go home.
Billy looked up from his newspaper when the shop bell rang, expecting a customer. He was very surprised to see his daughter. ‘Did something happen? Why are you back so early?’
Lucy had held it together until then, but when she saw her father’s loving face, she put her bag on the floor, covered her face with her hands and began to sob.
Billy rushed around the counter to her. ‘What’s wrong, pet? You poor thing, what happened? Come on into the house and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.’
Billy opened the door to the kitchen and called Tina. ‘Lucy’s back, and she’s fierce upset.’ He sat her in a chair and handed her one of the big handkerchiefs he always carried in his pocket. ‘What went wrong, love?’
Tina came in. When she saw Lucy, she stopped. Her eyes filled with tears. ‘You came back,’ she said.
Lucy nodded. Tina went over and pulled her daughter into her arms. Lucy buried her head in her mother’s shoulder and cried her eyes out. All of her worries and fears flooded out.
Billy turned around with the tea. ‘What’s going on? Jesus, Lucy, are you all right? Was it some boy? Did that Tom fella break up with you?’
Tina shushed him with a look. She rubbed Lucy’s back. ‘We’re here, love. We’re here. When you’re ready, just tell us everything.’
Tina told Billy to put a ‘Back in 30 minutes’ sign up on the shop door. By the time he returned, Lucy had finally stopped crying and was sipping her tea.
Billy sat down. ‘Would someone like to tell me what the hell is going on?’
Under the table, Tina held her hand and squeezed it.
‘I’m really sorry to let you both down but … I’ve got myself into a bit of trouble … I messed up … I made a stupid mistake … and –’
‘What? Jesus, spit it out before I have a heart attack,’ Billy urged her.
‘I’m pregnant.’
‘Oh, Jesus.’ Billy’s hand flew to his mouth. ‘Oh, Lucy, no.’
Lucy began to cry again when she saw her father’s crestfallen face.
‘It’s okay, Lucy, we’re here for you.’ Tina glared at Billy.
‘I’m so sorry, Dad. I know I’ve let you down badly.’
‘Have you considered your options?’ Tina asked her.
Lucy nodded. ‘I wasn’t going on a class trip this weekend. I was supposed to be flying to London to have an abortion, but I just couldn’t do it. I’m not saying I won’t, I’m just not sure. I mean, I guess I could defer for a year if I decided to keep the baby.’
‘Hold on.’ Billy thumped the table. ‘Where is this fellow, whatshisname – Tom? Huh? Why isn’t he here? Where does he stand in all this? He got you into this mess.’
Lucy didn’t want them to think badly of Tom, but it was tricky to try to defend him. A man like Billy, who had never let anyone push him around, would not understand how Tom couldn’t stand up to his father. ‘Tom loves me and he said he’ll be there for me,’ she fudged.
‘What really matters,’ Tina said, ‘is what you want.’
‘I’m not sure,’ Lucy said.
‘But you can’t give up everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve.’ Billy fought back tears. ‘You’re top of the class. You’re a genius, you can’t go having a baby now. All you ever wanted was to be a lawyer and you’re doing so well.’
‘Yes, Billy, but if she wants to keep the baby, she could defer for one year, as she said, then go back and finish her degree. It would only be a year out and we can help her and support her with the baby.’
‘We run our own business. How can we help raise a child?’
‘We’ll manage. I can do less hours in the shop and help look after the baby while Lucy studies.’ To Lucy, her mother said, ‘I’ll look after the baby and let you away back to college to finish your degree. If you really want to keep it, that’s wonderful. A child is a blessing – look at how much joy you and your sister have given us.’
‘Lucy has. Jenny’s given me pain in my arse mostly.’ Billy sniffed.
‘Stop that. Life would be less colourful without Jenny,’ Tina said. ‘And Lucy doesn’t have to give up anything. She might have to defer, but what’s a year in a lifetime?’
At that moment Lucy loved her mother more than she’d thought possible.
‘I suppose that’s true,’ Billy admitted. ‘It would only be a year and sure that’s nothing. The child can be here with us during the day while you’re at lectures and … Yes, I suppose we could work it out. But where will you live?’
‘They can live here until they find their feet,’ Tina said firmly.
‘With Tom and all?’ Billy said.
‘Yes, we’ll figure it all out,’ Tina assured him.
‘Well, I want to meet this Tom fella. I want him to come here and talk to us like a man. I want him to look me in the eye and tell me he’s going to take care of you and the baby. If he doesn’t, I’ll hunt him down and wring his neck.’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll get him to call in,’ Lucy said. ‘Do you really think I can do it? Keep the baby and be a lawyer too?’
‘You can do anything you put your mind to, Lucy,’ Tina said.
‘It won’t be easy, but I promise you this. I will not let you give up your dream. You’re going to follow your path, baby or no baby,’ Billy said.
‘I love you,’ Lucy cried, and threw her arms around them. ‘You’re the best parents in the world. If I can be half the mother to this child, it’ll be very lucky.’
Lucy sat on Jenny’s bed and watched her sister applying highlighter to her cheekbones.
‘Pregnant? You? St Lucy? I still cannot actually believe it. You’re supposed to be the intelligent one in the famil
y. If I got up the duff, Mum and Dad probably wouldn’t be surprised, but you! No wonder they’re walking around like zombies.’
‘Stop. I feel bad enough as it is.’
Lucy getting pregnant was a disaster for Jenny. Her parents were already over-protective and barely let her go to any discos or house parties. Now that her saint of a sister had fallen from grace – or, let’s be honest, had thrown herself off a cliff – Jenny’s life would be hell.
Her parents would never let her out. Every time she left the house they’d be thinking, Is she having sex with a boy? Is she going to come home pregnant like her sister? If Lucy could get pregnant, they would see very little hope for stupid non-academic Jenny. She would probably end up becoming a nun, just to get out of the house, or else she’d stay here, eating chocolate to help with her misery and loneliness, get really fat, watch TV all day and eventually, when she was found dead, three weeks after her actual death, they’d have to take the roof off the house and lift her out with a crane and build one of those oversized coffins to bury her massive body in. People would shake their heads and say, ‘She was once a hot blonde with great legs and look at her now.’ And it would be Lucy’s fault.
Jenny looked at her sister. She wanted to hate her but it was impossible. Poor Lucy was a wreck. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and she had big black bags under them. She was also as pale as a ghost. ‘You look like crap.’
‘Gee, thanks.’
‘Seriously, though, you need to make an effort. Let me do you up so you look hot when you see Tom in college tomorrow. You don’t want him to think you’ve let yourself go and are one step away from a housecoat and slippers. He might dump you.’
‘Tom’s not going to dump me. He’s promised to stay with me.’
‘But are you really going to keep it?’ Jenny thought she was mad. If Jenny got pregnant, she’d be over to the UK in a flash. Who the hell wanted a screaming brat ruining their lives? A baby was for ever. You were stuck with it – you couldn’t hand it back – and then you’d worry about it for the rest of your life. Look at her mum and dad. They’d thought Lucy was sorted, twenty-one, in college, smart and sensible, and now they were crying about her pregnancy. They were pretending they were fine, for Lucy’s sake, but Jenny had seen her mother’s red eyes when she’d come into the kitchen that morning and found Billy sobbing into his coffee. They were completely gutted.
Our Secrets and Lies Page 4
