Lucy covered her face with her hands. ‘It’s just so hard. I’m afraid of letting him in. What if they prefer him to me? What if they choose him? Kelly should choose him – he’d probably have listened to her and protected her instead of pushing her into the lions’ den every day.’
Jenny shook her head. ‘Jesus, Lucy, listen to yourself. You’re talking about how this affects you when the really important thing here is how it affects the twins. Look up, look around you! Those kids need to have a relationship with their dad.’
‘I’m scared, Jenny. It’s not easy.’
‘Try harder,’ Jenny said impatiently.
‘You don’t know what it’s like! You don’t have kids!’ Lucy shouted. ‘Don’t you judge me!’
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Lucy. If you don’t stop suffocating and putting pressure on the twins, they’re going to run a mile the minute they can. And that time is very close now. They’re almost eighteen. Open your bloody eyes! Your daughter tried to kill herself. Something needs to change and that’s you.’
Lucy looked as if she’d been slapped. ‘How dare you say that to me? Don’t you know how bad I feel?’
‘There you go again,’ Jenny said, throwing her hands up. ‘Me, me, me. Stop talking about how bad you feel and start acting. Make it up to her! Let her do whatever the hell she wants, see who she wants, date who she wants, go to whatever sodding school she wants. And if she wants a career in fashion, then shut up about a bloody law degree and let her do it. Stop crying and start making real changes.’
‘You don’t have to be such a bitch,’ Lucy cried.
‘Get your head out of your arse before it’s too late!’ Jenny shouted. She got up and stormed off.
When Kelly opened her eyes, her mum was sitting in the armchair beside the couch. She looked like she’d been crying, but she looked like that all the time now.
‘How do you feel?’ Lucy asked her, for the millionth time.
‘Good, thanks.’
‘Ollie has something for you. Can he come in?’
‘Of course.’
Lucy opened the door and called him.
‘I made you this.’ He held up a lopsided wooden cross.
‘Oh, wow, thanks.’ Kelly took it from him and turned it around in her hands.
‘A big cross, how sweet of you, Ollie,’ Lucy said.
‘What?’ He snorted. ‘It’s not a cross! It’s a sword to fight off those bitches with. See?’ He showed Kelly how to hold it. ‘You can stab them with the end of it. Well, not really stab them. Billy said I couldn’t make it too pointy or someone could get seriously injured, but I wanted to. I wanted to make it really spiky so you could stab those horrible girls and watch their blood gush out. Then school will be okay again because they won’t be there to mess it up for you.’
‘It’s a wonderful present. Thanks so much, Ollie.’ Kelly smiled at him.
‘I want you to be safe in school, Kelly. I have kids call me names like “retard” and “special”, and sometimes, if my friend Larry isn’t in school, I eat my lunch in the toilet too. But I never had anyone video me and put up horrible things online. That’s way worser. So I want you to be able to protect yourself.’
‘I honestly think this is the best present I ever got. And if anyone is mean to you in school, please tell your mum and dad. They’ll protect you, Ollie. That’s what parents do.’
Lucy felt her heart twist. She hadn’t protected Kelly. The pain of knowing that was excruciating.
‘Well, I’ll see you soon,’ Ollie said. ‘Billy’s waiting for me, and we’re going to make a big star for the top of your Christmas tree.’
‘See you, Ollie, and remember, you’re special in a brilliant way.’
He grinned. ‘You too.’
Lucy smiled at Kelly. ‘He’s gas, isn’t he?’ she said. ‘But his heart is very firmly in the right place.’ She stroked her daughter’s brow. ‘Are you hungry?’
‘Sure, I’ll eat something.’
‘What would you like? I’ll make you anything. Anything you want, just name it.’
‘Uhm, toast would be fine.’
‘White? Brown? Gluten-free? Wholegrain? Sourdough?’
Kelly laughed. ‘White is fine. Just one slice, thanks.’
Lucy smiled. ‘Sorry. I know I’m probably driving you nuts, but I just want to look after you and help you to get your strength back.’
‘I know, and I will.’ She looked at her mother. ‘I’m sorry, Mum. This has been a huge strain on you. Finding me like that must have been awful.’
Lucy sat on the edge of the couch. ‘It was,’ she said, ‘but I don’t think about that. I just think how glad I am that we got there in time. You have nothing to be sorry for, darling, not one tiny thing. I love you so much. You’re the centre of this whole family. We’d all fall apart without you. I’m … I’m just so sorry for pushing you so hard that you broke.’
‘I didn’t break, Mum,’ Kelly said. ‘I know it might sound crazy, but all this has taught me that I’m stronger than I thought I was. Maybe stronger than any of you thought I was. And come on,’ she said, poking Lucy playfully, ‘Dylan is the centre of the family. We all know that.’
Lucy didn’t smile. She took her daughter’s face in her hands. ‘No, Kelly, you are. You’re the one who looks out for Granddad, Dylan and me. You spend your life trying to keep us all happy. You’re the key to this family, the most important person by miles. Don’t ever forget that. But now I want you to stop worrying about everyone else and just be a kid. Be a teenager, and let all of us look after you.’
Kelly smiled. ‘That sounds good to me.’
Lucy kissed her cheek. She left the room to get her daughter some toast. It was up to Lucy to fix the damaged daughter that she had put in harm’s way. She would spend the rest of her life making it up to Kelly, no matter what she had to do.
55
Lucy tossed and turned in her bed. She couldn’t sleep. There was a text from Tom on her phone, which she hadn’t answered, asking her to meet up with him, and Jenny’s words kept ringing in her head.
If you don’t stop suffocating the twins they’re going to run a mile … Your daughter tried to kill herself. Something needs to change and that’s you … Make it up to her, let her do whatever the hell she wants … Stop crying and start making real changes.
She threw off the duvet and stood up, opened the curtains and looked out at the cloudless sky. The moon shone brightly down. All of the houses were in darkness. All around her people slept. Families were in their beds. Did the parents who slept so soundly know what their children were thinking? Did they know that beside them, in the next room, a child could be contemplating killing herself? Was Lucy the only parent who had no idea what her child was suffering? The only blind fool?
What if Kelly had died? Lucy would have been responsible. One hundred per cent responsible for her daughter’s death. ‘Why did she do it?’ people would have asked. Why? Her mother forced her to go to a posh school she hated because she wanted to impress some old bastard who’d shamed her nearly eighteen years ago. ‘Is the mother insane?’ people would have wondered.
Am I? Lucy thought. Jenny’s words needled her and so did Damien’s, from that awful night when she’d broken up with him. She pressed tears back into her eyes. Yes, I am, she thought. I’m crazy to have let this go on. I’m certifiable to have allowed Gabriel and his spineless son to continue to affect my life and the lives of my children. What have I done?
Lucy felt more lonely than she’d ever felt in her life. It was a sense of pure emptiness. She suddenly knew she needed to talk to the one person who knew her best, who was always there for her in a crisis. The person who had been with her on this journey from the day she’d done the pregnancy test.
Lucy peeped in and saw that Kelly was fast asleep. Dylan was snoring so loudly she didn’t even have to look into his room. She tiptoed down the stairs, grabbed her coat and boots and headed up the road.
She went to the back
of the house and threw a pebble at the bedroom window. It made her feel thirteen years old again. After the fourth pebble, the curtain was pulled back and a bleary face appeared at the window.
Darren peered down at Lucy, then his eyes went wide in shock. He yanked open the window and half whispered, half shouted, ‘Jesus, Lucy, what’s happened? Is everyone okay?’
Lucy held up her hands. ‘Everyone’s fine. I just … I need to talk to Sarah.’
He looked at her uncertainly. ‘Look, if you’re going to rip her to shreds for not telling you about Tom, can’t it wait till the morning?’
Lucy shook her head. ‘It’s not like that, Darren. I need her advice. I just need to talk to my friend.’
He looked alarmed as she started to cry. ‘Two seconds,’ he called down. Then she heard him saying Sarah’s name.
A few seconds later, the kitchen light flared on, then the door was unbolted and pulled open. Sarah stood there in her pyjamas, hair wild. ‘Come on in,’ she said quietly.
Lucy went over and looked at her friend. ‘I know it’s the middle of the night, and I’m sorry, Sarah. I feel like I’m going mad.’
‘It’s okay,’ Sarah said. ‘I’ll click on the kettle.’
Lucy cupped her hands around the warm mug and looked her friend in the eye. ‘I need you to be honest with me. Really honest. Brutally honest.’
Sarah took a deep breath. ‘Okay.’
‘Jenny said some things to me today that hurt like hell.’
‘What did she say?’ Sarah asked.
‘She said that the situation has to change, and that means I have to change. She said if I don’t, I’ll lose my kids. She said I have to start letting them go, trusting them to make good decisions.’ Lucy looked at Sarah nervously. ‘The night I broke up with Damien he said some stuff too. That I was letting Gabriel cast a shadow over my whole life and that I had to move on from it.’
‘Are you asking me if I think the same thing?’ Sarah said.
Lucy nodded miserably. ‘If you agree with them, I’ll know it’s really true.’
Sarah sipped her tea. ‘Yes, I do agree with them,’ she said.
Lucy bent her head and began to cry softly.
‘You asked me to be brutally honest,’ Sarah said, ‘so I’ll throw in my two cents’ worth. I think Jenny loves you so much that she’s gone along with your decisions over the years, but I think she’s always known in her heart that some of those decisions came from the wrong place. It sounds like Damien copped it too. You were dealt a hard hand, Lucy. Getting pregnant as a teenager is really tough, but you held your head high and you did it. You were lucky with the support you had. While you always acknowledge that support, you also have a tendency sometimes to talk like a victim.’
Lucy’s head shot up, her mouth open to protest. Sarah held up her hand. ‘You’ve always described getting pregnant as this terrible thing that happened to you, that ruined all your plans, that was so hard for you. But it wasn’t just you. Billy’s life has been deeply affected, and Jenny’s, to an extent. Some girls who get pregnant young have no help at all. You had a lot of help and support. But you’ve been so angry that sometimes I think you forget it wasn’t just your life that was turned upside-down. You were so devastated by Tom’s leaving and crushed by Gabriel that it ate you up inside. You’ve been angry for a long time, Lucy, and you need to let it go. You kept saying you couldn’t go back to college or finish your degree, but if you’d really wanted to, you could have done. You know we would all have helped you. So, why didn’t you? Why not?’
Lucy was shocked silent. She had never, ever heard Sarah speak like that before. Her voice was calm, but her words were like tiny cuts. ‘Are you calling me self-pitying?’ she finally managed to ask.
‘At times you have been, yes,’ Sarah said. ‘You asked for brutal honesty, remember?’
‘Jesus, I had no idea you thought about me like this.’
‘I love you,’ Sarah said matter-of-factly. ‘You’re like a sister to me, but that doesn’t mean you’re perfect. I’m sure if I asked you to be brutally honest about me, there’d be things you’d have to say. But right now we’re dealing with a girl we all adore and who nearly lost her life. This is too serious for sugar-coating, Lucy. I’m going to be blunt.’
‘I understand,’ Lucy whispered. ‘You’re right.’
‘So answer my question,’ Sarah said. ‘Why did you never go back to college?’
There was a long silence before Lucy raised her head again. ‘I was scared,’ she said quietly. ‘I thought if I tried, I’d probably fail. The things Gabriel said about me, how he looked at me, they got under my skin. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I guess I started believing it. I felt like a failure, so his words just confirmed what I already thought about myself. I was terrified to go back to law and do badly. Everything that happened shattered my confidence, in myself and in life. I didn’t want to prove him right.’
‘You should never have let him hold that much power over you.’ Sarah was upset too. ‘You’ve allowed Gabriel to keep you from living your life.’
Lucy dragged her sleeve roughly across her face. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t let it go. But in a weird way, the hatred I felt for Gabriel and Tom drove me on. It kept me going on days when I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. It kept me motivated when being a single mum felt like it was too much. I honestly thought that proving them wrong and making sure my kids succeeded was good motivation. Oh, God, I’m such an idiot. I let them control my life and my decisions. How could I be so stupid?’ She groaned and began to cry again. ‘I hurt Kelly. I hurt my daughter to prove a stupid point to people I hate. I’m a monster.’
‘No, you’re not,’ Sarah said firmly. ‘The Lucy I know and love is fair-minded, funny, loving and loyal. She is a wonderful friend, daughter and sister. She is the most devoted mother I’ve ever met. She is the heart of her family, the rock. Don’t you see? You are such a beautiful person, Lucy, but this thorn in your side has been poisoning you and blinding you. But it’s only a thorn. You can pull it out and throw it away. Now that you know it’s there, and you can see it, you can get rid of it.’
‘I have so much to change and make up for,’ Lucy said, sniffing.
‘You can do it, Lucy,’ Sarah said. ‘I think you know what your mum would say if she was here with us now.’
Lucy looked at her. ‘Jesus, I’m so glad she isn’t here to see this. I’d have broken her heart.’
‘No, you wouldn’t,’ Sarah said, pushing her hair back from her forehead. ‘She would be so proud of all you’ve done for your children, and she’d be even more proud of you sitting here admitting to your mistakes. That’s way harder. But you’re doing it. And you’re going to make the changes. She’d tell you that life was short. Pick yourself up and start again.’
Lucy smiled weakly. ‘She would,’ she said. ‘I miss her so much.’
‘You were lucky to have two great parents,’ Sarah said. ‘Lucy, I really missed having a dad, it hurt like hell and my mother became so bitter. You grew up surrounded by love, which was why you were able to deal with everything life threw at you. Because of your parents’ love and support, you were strong and able. Don’t deprive Dylan and Kelly of a father who wants to know them and love them. You have a chance now to rise above the past, to be better than Gabriel.’
Lucy looked at her. ‘Do you … do you think I’ve been like him?’
‘No,’ Sarah said, shaking her head. ‘He’s an ignorant sod who does things to hurt people. You only ever act out of good intentions. But if you allow his insults to hold any more power over you, it will affect your relationship with the twins – badly. Forget about the past, forget about hurt and revenge and proving anything to anyone. Just be yourself, trust yourself, let yourself breathe and love and live the way you want to. Stop pushing the twins and let them be who they’re meant to be, not who you think they should be. If you don’t, well, if you don’t …’
‘I’ll lose them for ever,
’ Lucy said grimly. ‘It hasn’t been easy to hear this, but you and Jenny and Damien are right. I’m actually exhausted from thinking about Gabriel and Tom and being fuelled by anger. It’s worn me out.’
‘So what are you going to do?’ Sarah asked.
Lucy set her face into the determined expression Sarah knew so well. ‘I’m going to think very carefully about everything you’ve said, and I’m going to start making some serious changes.’
‘I hope I wasn’t too hard on you?’ Sarah asked.
‘You said what I needed to hear. I came here because I trust you one hundred per cent.’
‘Look, I’m sorry too. When Tom got in touch, I should have talked to you. I could never find the right time, but I should have tried harder.’
Lucy shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. I would just have gone off the deep end and ranted and raged. And I definitely wouldn’t have given him a chance. I can see now why it was impossible for you to tell me about it.’ She sighed deeply. ‘I’ve made terrible mistakes, Sarah. If I’d lost Kelly, I’d have thrown myself off a bridge. But by some miracle she’s still with us, which means I have a second chance.’
Sarah bit her lip, trying to stop the tears that were welling up. ‘I know this has been a horrendous week for you. But you can change things and make them better for all of you. I’m here for you – we all are.’
‘And if I do happen to bump into Gabriel I can always stab him with Ollie’s revenge sword.’ Lucy smiled.
Sarah looked at her, puzzled, and Lucy explained about Ollie’s gift for Kelly.
‘Oh, my God,’ Sarah laughed, ‘what am I raising?’
‘He’s absolutely wonderful,’ Lucy said warmly.
Our Secrets and Lies Page 35
