by Leo Romero
“Dang! That’s one tough mama!” the voice of Alabama Tanner, the legendary gunslinger possessing Bam Bam, said.
I didn’t have time for a retort. I holstered Bam Bam and whipped out Excalibur. I got light magic glowing in my palm and slid it down the blade before the gargoyle came in for a fresh assault. He lunged in with another right hook. I threw up Excalibur at the last second. The gargoyle’s wrist struck the blade. A blinding flash of light erupted from the impact, staggering the stone beast. My light-imbued Excalibur managed to just about block the blow, pain jarring up my arm. But there was no respite. This asshole was determined to kill me. He shook off the impact and stormed in again, his stone wings flaring out behind him.
I grabbed a quick lung of air. My heart was already hammering, adrenaline bolting through my veins. This guy wasn’t gonna let up until I was dead. I held up Excalibur. “Vanquish the evil, Demonslayer!” King Arthur’s soul said to me from within the blade.
“I’m trying, Art,” I said as the gargoyle sent a haymaker my way. I swung Excalibur to meet the attack. The gargoyle’s fist clanged against Excalibur’s blade, light exploding out in a radiant star shape. The impact jolted me to the side. The gargoyle seized the initiative. He jabbed his other fist toward my head. I managed to jam Excalibur against it, diluting its power, the light magic jerking the gargoyle back. I ducked and weaved away, hoping to buy myself a second or two, but this was a gargoyle possessed. He leaped up to me, fists flying like Bruce Lee.
I swung Excalibur this way and that, trying my best to keep up with this asshole’s attacks. I blocked as many as I could, but eventually, I ran out of steam. I was too slow to react to a right hook. It caught me on the side of my shoulder, sending me reeling. It was like being hit by a stampeding Minotaur. I flew across the sidewalk and smashed into the wall, the side of my head smacking against brick. The double blow knocked my senses out of line. My eyes rolled like marbles, pain hummed through my body and mind, disorientation striking me like lightning. I teetered before I collapsed to the ground like a felled tree. The next thing I saw was that twisted, grotesque gargoyle mug. He stood over me, glaring down at me with vicious, glowing eyes. He snarled, his snout compressing up his face like an accordion.
My woozy mind started to realign the moment he raised both his fists in the air, ready to land the killer blow. Purgatory here we come. My mind was screaming at me to react, but my body was way behind in the race. My limbs flopped. Any second and my head was gonna be crushed beneath two massive chunks of stone. Stone killed by stone. How ironic.
The gargoyle let out a gravelly grunt and went to bring those fists down. My eyes widened in horror.
Something appeared on the air between us at the last moment, dancing and floating. The gargoyle came to an abrupt halt, his fists still raised in the air, his attention totally captured by the pair of eyebrows and goatee wiggling and twirling on the air like tiny fairies.
“Uh!” he groaned in surprise, no doubt carrying the IQ of a sandal. The beard bobbed up and down while the eyebrows danced like lithe caterpillars. The gargoyle was mesmerized. With a slack jaw, his eyes followed the flow and dance of the floating facial hair in wonder like a baby enthralled with a rattle. Out of instinct, I used my elbows to back up while that facial hair continued to move around, causing the gargoyle’s head to roll in its socket alongside it. He’d totally forgotten about killing me. Now he was more interested in beards and eyebrows.
“I got his attention, Mr. Stone,” Zane said to me as a hoarse chuckle broke out from the gargoyle. “Now get out of here!”
“What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll lead him away, then escape. Get going!”
I didn’t need a second invitation. I scrambled to my feet, grabbing Excalibur on my way. A hot throb of pain pulsed through my head as I looked around for my Harley. It was waiting for me on the curb a little way up. I dashed right for it, that dumb laughing coming out of the gargoyle echoing in my mind. I hopped on my bike and got her started up. I had a quick glance over my shoulder. The gargoyle reached out to touch the goatee when it suddenly darted away in the opposite direction. The gargoyle let out a growl of frustration and set off after it, his stony feet crunching on the sidewalk.
“Thanks, kid,” I said to myself. I hoped he’d make it away from that thing in one piece. Without giving it another thought, I pulled back on the throttle and got the hell outta there.
Chapter 2
I leaped back into my apartment and slammed the door behind me, my breathing hot and ragged, sweat plastering my hair to my face. I should’ve been relieved to be home, a man’s home is his castle and all that, but I almost got my ass handed to me so I wasn’t in a relaxed mood. Not that a brush with death was anything new for me, but hey, gargoyles was a first.
I ran into the lounge and immediately pulled down the blinds. I was like a paranoiac off his meds, seeing gargoyles and danger everywhere. I pulled out Bam Bam and held her by my side. Even though she hardly made a dent in that thing, I felt just a little safer with her at the ready.
“Everything all right, sugar?” Alabama asked me.
“Just peachy, Bam.”
“Who was that stone varmint?”
“I don’t know. But it looks like I’m gonna have to take a trip to the Chicago Underworld and get you some upgraded slugs.”
“Ooh! Now that sounds exciting!”
“Glad it does for someone,” I said as I made my way to the medicine cabinet for some aspirin. I needed it. I had a physical and a mental ache. I wasn’t expecting the criminal factions to send a gargoyle to kill me. I thought it would be something more slick, low key. A gargoyle seemed a bit clunky, made a lot of noise, wasn’t exactly discreet. Also, gargoyles were animated stone. They had to have a soul in them to come alive and then that soul directed by a puppet master. It didn’t sound like the remit for a bunch of gangsters. They’d need a dark arts practitioner to crank these things into life, which sounded like too much for those assholes. But hey, maybe it was all for show. To make a spectacle. To have that big lump pound my brains into the sidewalk for everyone to see. Mess with us and this is what you get. Stoned to death.
I swallowed the pills and trudged back to the lounge, my heart slowing to its normal pace. I doubted I’d be getting any sleep, which was a joyous thought. I went and grabbed my Deck of Death from the mantelpiece. I usually left it at home as I didn’t want to risk losing any cards. Now it was like American Express—I’d never leave home without it. I needed all the help I could get. I slumped down on my armchair and rubbed my eyes, Bam Bam sitting across my lap. Thoughts competed in my mind for attention. How much danger was I in? Did they know where I lived? How could I get them off my back? Would Lobo accept me paying back my debt, or had it gone too far and it was now down to a matter of respect? What about Ming? I was already in her bad books. I sided with the forces of good, while she’d sided with Samuel and Beelzebub, and I foiled their plan. They obviously wanted me out of the way so they could fulfill their sick desires of raising Hell to Earth. That thought made me more determined to survive. If my existence pissed off the assholes aligned with Satan and Hell, then I wanted to stay alive for as long as possible.
My thoughts drifted to Zane. Was he okay? He’d saved my skin back there. What about Brutus? Man, I forgot all about him! I hope the gargoyle didn’t go back to finish him off. Well, I was the target, so I doubted he would bother with a dufus like Brutus. I prayed they were all alive and kicking.
The front door closed and I twitched. I instinctively raised Bam Bam and aimed at the lounge door, my eyes wide.
My daughter, Lucy, appeared in the doorway. Her big blue eyes widened and she recoiled. “Daddy! What are you doing? You scared the life out of me!”
I just stared at her in a daze. “Uh…”
Her eyes rolled down to Bam Bam. “I thought that thing was deactivated.”
I looked from her to Bam Bam. “Uh. It is.”
“Then why are yo
u sitting there with it like you’re about to shoot someone?”
My mind cleared and I came back to life. “Uh, no. I’m just…cleaning it.” I put on a grin, wiped the barrel with my sleeve, then placed her down on my lap again. “She was a bit dirty,” I said in a quiet voice.
“Some would even say ‘filthy’!” said Bam Bam.
I cleared my throat and sat up in my seat, trying to act normal. “Everything’s fine,” I said with a twitchy grin.
Lucy gave me a sideways look. “Oh-kay.” She then put on a wide grin and scampered over to me. “Daddy...”
I knew that voice. She was being nice. It meant she wanted something. Okay, sweetie, hit me with it. What is it this time? “Yeah,” I replied in a drawn-out voice.
“Can you get something for me?”
I knew it!
“What’s that, sweetie?”
“Well, Amy from school has this really cute pony...”
Oh boy!
“And it was just the cutest thing, and I loved it and I thought about how much I’d love to have one.”
I gave her an incredulous stare. “You want a pony?”
Her face scrunched up. “No! I want a horse.”
I grabbed my already aching head. “Sweetie. Where am I gonna get a horse from? And where are we gonna keep it? It’s not like we’ve got any spare room here.”
She put a hand on her hip and gave me the pout. “Amy’s got one at her home.”
“Amy lives on a ranch.”
“Well, we’re not going to keep it here, that’s just silly. You hire a stable to look after it.”
“A stable? And how much will that cost me?”
“Well, if it’s too much bother for you, then forget it!”
I closed my eyes. Why did this crap have to happen to me? Parties, ponies—sorry horses. I mean where was I gonna get a—
A thought struck me and I opened up my eyes again. What a stroke of luck! “What if I got you a flying horse?”
Her top lip curled up. “You always have to turn everything into a joke,” she said with a shake of her head.
I showed her my palm. “No, I’m being serious. A flying horse. A horse with wings. If I get you one of those, would that do?”
“There’s no such thing as flying horses, Dad. Stop being a jerk!”
Oh contraire! “Okay, sweetie,” I said with a sick grin, pointing at her. “I’ll get’cha your horse.”
Her eyes lit up.
“Yeah, and it’s gonna be the best horse you’ve ever laid eyes on. Everyone will be uber-jealous.”
She hopped on the spot, clapping her hands. “Thank you, Daddy! You’re the best!” She bent down and gave me a big kiss on the cheek.
I returned it with a sullen nod. “Yeah. I am.” Best sucker this world’s ever known.
She stood upright. “I’m going to go and meet Chad. I’ll be back soon.”
I didn’t know what was worse: the fact my daughter had a boyfriend or that his name was Chad. I gave her another nod. “All right, sweetie. Be careful out there.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, Dad. You don’t have to say that every time I walk out the front door.”
“I mean it this time. Just...be careful.” I stroked Bam Bam as I spoke.
Lucy frowned. “Okay, Dad, now you’re freaking me out, sitting there like a crazy man stroking a shotgun and acting all paranoid.”
My eyes rolled left and right. I looked down at Bam Bam. “Oh!” I let out a fake chuckle. “I’ve had a really weird day.” I lifted up Bam Bam. “Don’t know why I’m even holding this.” I placed her down by the side of my seat.
Lucy frowned again. “Okay, Dad. I’ll see you later.”
“Yes, sweetie. Have a nice time with...Chad.” Man, I almost threw up a little in my mouth that time.
Lucy gave me a quizzical look before shrugging and leaving the room. The front door closed and I was alone again. I immediately grabbed up Bam Bam and put her back on my lap. So now I had to think of a way of getting into that card game on the Netherworld Strip undetected and win Pegasus from Frogface. More headache.
I rubbed my head as Godzilla, my monitor lizard, came into the room, his tongue darting in and out of his mouth. “Hey, Zilla,” I said to him as he ambled over to my chair and raised his head. I gave him a friendly pat and his tongue darted in and out even more. Godzilla stood on his hind legs and waved his claws on the air like he was doing Mr. Miyagi’s wax on, wax off. “Daddy’s got a contract on his head partly because of you. Those nasty vampires are after me. Yes they are.”
A small whoosh to my right made me start. A portal opened up on the air. My heart skipped a beat. I scrambled for Bam Bam, getting her aimed at the tear just as a figure in a jade colored jacket came through. My chest relaxed. It was Aurora. She stepped through from the Chicago Underworld and into my apartment. “Hey, Gabe,” she said with a cute grin. Then she spotted Bam Bam. “Don’t shoot!”
I lowered Bam Bam. “It’s you.”
“Nice to see you too,” she said, closing the portal behind her.
“I see you’ve got opening and closing portals down to a fine art.”
“Well, not exactly. It’s quite tricky getting the destination exact. It takes a while for me to get the coordinates just right. If I rush it, it usually goes wrong. I ended up going from my chamber to the bathroom the other day when I wanted to go to Lake Michigan.”
“Practice makes perfect.”
“Yeah. So, how are things with you? You look terrible.”
“So would you if you almost got stomped on by a gargoyle.”
Her jaw dropped. “What?”
I gave her a grim nod. “Yeah. Outside the Guild. Ming’s put a contract out on me.”
“No way! What are you gonna do, Gabe?”
“What I always do. Survive. Anyway, change the subject, it gives me a headache.”
“Okay.” She looked around. “Where’s Lucy-fer?”
I sent her a stern stare. “Hey! Watch it! That’s my little angel you’re talking about!”
“She certainly is an angel. The bearer of light.”
“And you’re the bearer of dark.”
She popped her tongue out at me.
“If you must know, Lucinda is with her boyfriend, Chad.”
Aurora’s face pinched. “Chad?”
I gave her a despondent nod. “Yeah, I know. And it gets worse.”
“Shoot.”
“She wants a horse.”
Aurora recoiled. “A horse!”
I rubbed my head. “Man oh man, why do I have to be me?”
“Anything for the little angel, I suppose.”
My back stiffened. “Was there something you wanted, Aurora?”
“Yeah, actually there was. My father wants to speak with you.”
“Oh for crying out loud! Can’t I catch a break today?” I blew out the air from my lungs. “What does he want?”
“He didn’t say. What he did say was that it’s urgent, and if you don’t come, he’ll have you thrown in the privy gaol again and tortured to within an inch of your life.”
“Well, who could resist such an invite?” I cranked myself up to my feet and holstered Bam Bam. I flipped out a hand. “Lead the way.”
Chapter 3
To be honest, I wasn’t totally bummed about going to see Bracken, Aurora’s Fae King father. A trip to the Chicago Underworld meant a respite from the Chicago Overworld where my ass was hotter than the sun. It also gave me a chance to visit Eldrin’s armory stall in the marketplace to get some upgraded slugs for Bam Bam to take on gargoyles. Hopefully he’d have some blast slugs in stock. Mini explosions looked like the way to go.
After a few tries, Aurora managed to open up a portal to the royal palace in the Chicago Underworld. We stepped through and found ourselves in the royal chamber. Bracken was sitting on his throne carved from a mighty oak. He sat on the edge of his seat, his green eyebrows pinched in a frown. His solid-green eyes studied the fawnberry petal
s scattered on the stone floor ahead of him, his chin resting on his clenched fist. Something had the big guy caught in hard contemplation, so hard in fact, he didn’t even see us arrive.
“Heya, Bracken,” I said, sauntering up to him. The big lump didn’t even hear me. At any other time, I would’ve been deeply offended, but the look on the guy’s face told me something had him spooked and right then, I knew the feeling. But still, the green-and-white bastard should at least acknowledge my presence. I cupped my hands around my mouth. “Earth calling Bracken. Come in, Bracken!” I turned to Aurora. “Wait a minute, are we still on Earth?”
Aurora shrugged.
“I don’t suppose it matters.” I turned my attention back to Bracken. “Earth to—”
“Cease your noise, fallen angel!” Bracken growled, finally snapping out of his fugue and turning to face me.
“Oh, so you are home,” I said. “Heard you wanted to speak with me.”
“Indeed.”
I frowned. “Something up with you, Bracken. I mean I know you’re a cranky old so and so at the best of times, but this subdued version of you is freaking me out.”
Bracken showed me his green teeth. “Maybe you’d like me to send you to Fishstink’s torture chamber to reunite your kinship.”
I smiled. “There’s the Bracken we all know and love! But, the Fishstink part? I’ll take a raincheck.”
Bracken rose to his feet. “And if you think I’ve forgiven you for cheating me in a game of cards in my own home then you are sorely mistaken.”
I rolled my eyes. “Cheated? Me?” I glanced at Aurora. She immediately dropped her head and stared at the floor.
