by Ami Weaver
“This is a nice surprise,” he said. It was. It was wonderful to see her in his space, spending time with him. Just being together.
She gave a little shrug. “I just thought it’d be nice to have lunch together.”
They chatted and finished. Then he asked her if she wanted to see Fraser and she said yes.
The dog gave a thump of his tail when he saw them, which was the first time he’d done that. She gave a little inhale. This time there was no blanket covering him. All his cuts and scars were out in the open. “Oh, Mack. Oh. You poor thing,” she said to the dog, who shut his eyes and gave a little huff. She turned to look at Mack. “He looks awful.”
“He’s had it rough,” he agreed, and that was an understatement.
“Are the circles cigarette burns?” she asked, and there was anger in her tone.
Fraser whimpered.
“Easy,” Mack said to both of them. “Watch your tone. He’s really sensitive to tone.” No surprise given the abuse.
“Of course. Sorry, puppy,” she said to the dog, who relaxed again, apparently not sensing any danger from them. “Heartbreaking. Sickening, too,” she said to Mack, who nodded.
“That pretty much sums it up.” He just hoped they’d find who did it, and soon. Fraser deserved nothing less than justice and a good home. A lot of animals in his situation got neither.
Darcy left for her aunt and uncle’s after promising she’d be careful.
“I drive in snow,” she pointed out. “We get our fair share in Chicago.”
He knew that. But the accident still lingered with him after all these years. He’d never forget seeing her, banged up and bleeding and broken in that hospital. Ever. It was the moment his heart had stopped. “Just be careful. Please.”
She gave him a kiss as Jenn walked into the room. With a quick greeting to Jenn, she was out the door.
“You have to tell her if you haven’t already, Mack,” Jenn said quietly. “She deserves to know.”
“Tell her what?” Mack wasn’t keeping anything from her.
“That you love her.”
Mack shook his head, but he was afraid Jenn was right. “Jenn.”
“Mack. You let her go once. Are you going to do it again? Because she’s going to leave without knowing. How can you do that?”
Easy. If she left without knowing how he felt about her, he didn’t have to run the risk of having his heart punted back at him. Again. The first time had been hard enough. He wasn’t going to risk it again.
So he said nothing and Jenn sighed. “Mack. Don’t be stupid.”
“I’m not,” he said. “I’m smart enough to know how this ends.”
“Do you?” Her voice was quiet. “How can you be sure, if you haven’t asked her?”
I don’t have to ask her. No, she’d left once. That was enough for him. If she wanted to stay, she would. She’d find a way. But he couldn’t risk rejection anymore. This time would kill him for sure. He just shook his head.
She sighed but left it alone. For that he was grateful.
* * *
Darcy made it to the farm. It took a while, but she got there, snow and all. The main roads had been plowed but were still tricky. The lane to the farm had been plowed as well, but the packed snow was still slippery. Her SUV was designed for this. Probably why she’d bought it, even in Chicago where she relied mostly on mass transit—she’d gotten so used to vehicles with four-wheel drive that it hadn’t occurred her not to purchase one for herself.
Ironic that back here was where she needed it the most.
She parked and hauled her bag out of the backseat. Joe had a checkup with the heart doctor today, so her aunt and uncle weren’t there. Luckily, they didn’t have to drive far for it. She was kind of relieved that she didn’t have to come in with her bag after an overnight at Mack’s.
But last night had been different.
She was trying not to dwell on it, but something had shifted. What that was, she couldn’t quite pinpoint. She did know she needed to tell him what had really happened, and she needed to tell him tonight.
The nerves wouldn’t quit.
The farm was open, even in the snow, and Mack was everywhere. Darcy was jumpy and distracted all evening. Marla kept giving her strange looks, but she managed to stave off any questions because they were so busy. She kept rehearsing what she wanted to say in her head. Running through it over and over.
It didn’t help.
Finally, when it was all said and done, she went up to Mack, whom she’d been somewhat avoiding all evening, torn up by guilt and nerves. “Do you have time to talk?”
Clearly, he’d picked up on her tension, because he looked at her closely. “Darcy. Are you okay?”
She hesitated, then nodded. “But we need to talk,” she repeated.
“All right. Can we go back to my place? I need to check on the dog.” He was looking at her with concern.
It took about fifteen more minutes to close down, say good-night and get everyone out the door. Darcy’s nerves had taken the form of huge angry butterflies in her stomach. She followed him to the clinic, where she stayed in her car, then to the house. By the time they got there, she was ready to explode. Was it the right thing? To tell him, after all these years? Did it matter anymore?
Yes. It did matter.
“What’s going on?” His voice was quiet once they got in the house and the dogs were wagging around them. She saw the concern in his eyes, but he didn’t reach for her. Clearly she was giving off stand-back vibes. “Darcy.”
She took a deep breath and looked at him, at this man she loved so much. Always had and, she suspected, always would. “I wasn’t ready to get married,” she blurted. “I wasn’t ready for any of it.” She put her hands over her eyes. That was the easy part of the truth.
He moved closer but still didn’t touch her. “What do you mean?”
It was so important she make him see. “You were so sure. So sure, Mack. Of yourself. Of us. Of everything. And I went along because I wanted to be sure, too.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” He sounded shocked, as if it had never occurred to him. Maybe he hadn’t noticed the change in their relationship after they’d gotten married. She’d tried so hard to hide it.
She laughed, but it was more of a sharp bark than a joyful sound. “I was pregnant, remember? We had to get married. I thought maybe some of your optimism would rub off on me, too.”
He just looked at her, his face unreadable. She forged on. “And again, you are so damn sure you know what’s best here, too. Buying the farm, making it into something you know I’d never want it to be.”
She drew a shaky breath. “I loved you then, Mack. So much. But you didn’t feel the same, after all that sureness. You let me walk away.”
“Come with me.” He didn’t offer her a hand, but stalked off down the hall, and she followed after a moment. He went into the room that usually had the door shut. It had some boxes stacked up. Clearly, he used this one for storage. He opened the closet door and took out a couple of boxes labeled—
Oh, God.
Labeled Baby.
She wanted to back away, but couldn’t make herself move, much less look away. “Where have those been?”
“My mom held on to them.”
Of course she had. If she’d held on to the ornaments, she’d hold on to the baby stuff. Behind him, in the closet, she saw a long box. Her heart stopped. “Mack. What is that?”
He moved out of the way, his jaw set, his arms crossed over his chest. “Look. Look at all of it, Darcy.”
It was the crib. They’d bought it two days before the accident. Had never had the chance to open it, much less set it up. He didn’t move when she pressed her hand to her mouth and laid the other on the box. She couldn’t speak.
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“Look in the others,” he said, his voice rough.
She did. She moved from the crib, her hands shaking so badly she almost couldn’t open the next box. But she managed and couldn’t stop the tears. More baby stuff. Things they’d picked out together. Blankets, onesies, the changing table. Crib bedding, printed with trains. Not to mention their wedding china and other assorted gifts that he’d never used. All of it, he’d held on to for all these years. She finally sank to the floor and sobbed. All of it, the pain, the regrets, the truth spilled free. And then Mack was behind her, pulling her in and she felt his own tears on her hair. She wrapped around him and burrowed in, the sobs shaking them both. He stroked her hair and finally her sobs reduced to hiccups.
He just rested his head on hers and held on. He didn’t ask if she felt better, which was good because no, she didn’t. She really, really didn’t. She felt worse. She’d assumed he’d gotten rid of all this stuff. Let it all go, the pieces of their old life that never really got started. But here it was, their old life, real and tangible and oh-so-painful.
“Mack,” she whispered finally, and he said, “What?”
She pulled away and looked at him. His eyes were red rimmed and her heart ached because she wasn’t done delivering the blows. “I’m so sorry. For all of it. For causing the accident—”
“It was an accident, Darce. You didn’t do anything.”
She lifted her chin. It was time he knew. “I did. I turned left instead of right because I was delaying coming home.” At his confused look she faltered, her stomach twisting in knots, then forced herself to continue. He deserved to know the truth. “I can’t stress this enough. You were so sure, Mack. So sure of us, of the baby, of our future. Everything. But I wasn’t. We got married because of the baby. And then it was gone and with it, the whole reason for our marriage.”
He sat there, stunned, and stared at her tearstained face. “What do you mean, the whole reason for our marriage?”
“I wasn’t ready to get married, much less be a parent. I thought maybe it’d get better. I knew I was going to have to figure out parenting. But the marriage...” She trailed off, looking lost.
“But the marriage, what?” His voice didn’t sound like his own. It seemed to come from far away.
She swallowed hard. “I was going to see if we could separate.”
Her words couldn’t have hit him any harder if she’d shot him. He gaped at her. “Separate? You wanted to leave me? While you were pregnant?” What the hell was this? How had he missed it?
Her face was ghostly pale and her eyes were full of pain. And guilt. “Yes. I wasn’t thinking straight and it was an impulsive decision. So I turned left and—” Her voice caught, and then she continued, “And the other car was there. I didn’t see it because I was trying to make the light.”
Which had been yellow and she’d broken no laws. The other car had run the light and hit her broadside. He wasn’t fully tracking here. She’d wanted to leave him. That had been her plan all along.
Then it hit him. “You had no intention of ever staying,” he said slowly. “Not then. Not now. All this was just for, what? Show? Pity?” Anger filled him, white hot, and that was better than the equally strong pain that was trying to push through.
She touched his leg and he pulled back. He couldn’t have her touch him. She affected him in ways—still—that wouldn’t help him get over her. “Mack. Please understand. We were so young and I was scared and confused.” There was a plea in her voice. He couldn’t understand.
He looked away. She couldn’t have talked to him about it? Was he that awful? Had he been that bad a husband? He didn’t remember their marriage being awful. Yeah, she’d been a little nervous, but weren’t all new parents-to-be? Clearly, he hadn’t known her as well as he’d thought.
“And now?” He waited for her answer, knowing he wouldn’t like it.
There was a long pause and he heard her breathing, which seemed so loud in the quiet room, almost as loud as the blood rushing in his ears. “Now I know better,” she said finally, her voice sad and low.
He couldn’t move. She’d left him once, and it had nearly killed him. And here she was, leaving again, without giving their future any thought.
He hadn’t learned. All these years, and he hadn’t freaking learned.
After a moment, she stood up and left the room without a word. He was pretty sure there was nothing left to say. He heard the front door close shortly after that. It was pretty clear—she’d never felt for him what he had for her. He remembered his mother’s words—she hadn’t been ready. He’d waved her off, but it seemed she’d been right after all. Darcy would never be ready. Not for what he had to offer.
He got up off the floor and left the room and pulled the door shut, not bothering to close the boxes that were open and all over the floor. They didn’t matter now. They were part of a life that hadn’t ever really existed, apparently.
What a fool he’d been.
Chapter Seventeen
Mack moved through the next day in a fog. Jenn gave him worried looks, but didn’t ask any questions. He didn’t go out to the tree farm. He wasn’t sure he had it in him to act as if everything was okay. So when his brother showed up to take him to grab a beer, he didn’t have the energy to turn him down.
Chase booted up his laptop once they were seated. “Been making plans for the new sub. Want to see?”
He really didn’t want to see it, or have anything to do with anything Darcy related right now. Mack stared at the screen when Chase turned it to face him. “This is Darcy’s farm?”
“No,” Chase said slowly. “Darcy left. This is Joe and Marla’s farm. That they are going to sell to us after the holidays. Remember?” He looked at Mack. “Ah, shoot. You did it, didn’t you?” He swore.
“Did what?” Mack asked, his gaze back on the computer screen. Chase had left a lot of trees and had carved out large home sites. It’d be gorgeous. Darcy would hate it. The thought gave him no pleasure.
“You fell in love with her.”
His gaze flew to Chase’s. Actually, it was more accurate to say he’d never stopped loving her. “She’s out of here in a few days.” She’d been crystal clear there was no hope of a future. She hadn’t wanted one back then. She didn’t want one now. Then again, he hadn’t asked her, had he? He’d been more than happy to have her company, both in bed and out of it. He’d been afraid if he’d asked for more, she’d bolt.
Of course, as it turned out, she was going to bolt anyway, so it wasn’t as if he’d saved himself any grief, now, had he?
“Clearly, that doesn’t matter.” Chase took the laptop back and closed it, slipping it into his bag. “I noticed you didn’t deny it. So. What are you going to do now?”
“Nothing. Like I said, she’s leaving.” The words were bitter in his mouth. He took a deep draw of his beer to try to erase the picture of her tearstained face.
“You’re a coward,” Chase said flatly.
Mack’s head snapped up and he barked out a laugh. “What? Why? You’ve been telling me all along to let her go. To not get involved.” He could not win.
“And you did neither of those things,” Chase pointed out. “You can’t let her go and you are involved and not in the kind of way that will allow her to walk away from you without ripping out your heart. So.” He leaned on the table, looked Mack in the eye and threw down the gauntlet. “I repeat. You’re a coward. What the hell are you gonna do about it?”
Mack opened his mouth, then shut it again. “You’re an ass. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, thanks. But it doesn’t solve your problem.”
Chase was right. Mack didn’t really want to acknowledge it to his brother, much less himself. Still, denial hadn’t served him so well. He let out a breath. “I’m not being a coward if I let her go. She wants to
go. Why would I fight that?”
“But you want her to stay,” Chase pointed out quietly. “And you’re going to let her walk. That’s gonna suck for you. So why not try? At this point, what do you have to lose?”
A lot, actually. If he took a stand and she left anyway, it’d be too damn hard. Chase was right. He wasn’t willing to risk the pain. “She’s going to leave anyway.”
Chase shook his head. “How do you know? Have you given her a reason to stay? No,” he answered himself. “You haven’t. I don’t get this. I understand not wanting to get hurt, because that sucks. But you’ve got a second chance with the woman you love and you are letting her go without a fight.”
Mack hadn’t been enough the first time around. Why would now be any different?
He rubbed his hand over his face. “I can’t explain it, okay? She hasn’t given me any hint she’s willing to give it another shot.”
“No? She’s in your bed, am I right? You rearranged your whole schedule to be out at the farm more. She looks at you the same way you look at her, with that sappiness couples in love have. It’s all there, Mack. If I can see it, you damn well should be able to.” Chase leaned forward. “Go. Talk to her. Fix this, Mack. For both of your sakes.”
Mack just stared at his brother. He wasn’t sure what to say. Chase had been so adamant that he stay away from Darcy. Not that Chase had any control over Mack’s life, but he knew how bad it had been for Mack in the aftermath and had been trying to keep that from happening again. “Why are you doing this?”
Chase rose from the table and picked up his laptop bag. He put money on the table to cover his bill. “Because you should be happy. Think about it,” he said, and slapped Mack on the shoulder as he went past him.
Happy. Darcy had made him very happy, until she’d left him. But he hadn’t made her happy. Was Chase right? He hadn’t tried hard enough to see what she was feeling? She’d lost so much—they both had. He didn’t even care if she was infertile. There were lots of ways to make a family. In retrospect he could see that he hadn’t handled everything so well. All he’d wanted was for them to be happy. In trying to give her space, he’d pushed her away.
