by Lee Ellis
“Or become someone’s girlfriend. No, actually I think she started dating the guy after he was locked away.”
“How’s that work? It seems the whole ‘being in prison’ thing would kind of put a damper on the relationship.”
“I don’t know, but my impression is that she’s one of those people who writes letters to and then falls in love with prison inmates.”
“What?”
“You know, a psychopath.”
The two entered the sushi restaurant and were seated near the window. “So, how have things been with you?” Lucy asked as they waited for their server to arrive.
“Pretty good, I guess. Still getting settled, you know, trying to meet some people around the apartment complex,” Jacob non-answered, though it was the best he could muster to such a meaningless question. “I actually went to that disco night thing they had last week.”
“Really? You went to that?” Lucy asked with a bitchy, condescending look on her face, though one that Jacob probably deserved for going to something like that. She then looked up at the waitress who had shown up to take their order. “Yeah, can I get a diet cola and, Jacob, are you ready to order?”
“I suppose so, yeah.”
“Yeah, so can I get a diet cola and the California Roll?”
“You sure can,” said the waitress, because what else was she going to say? “And for you, sir.”
“I don’t know what any of this stuff is.”
“Try the Spicy Tuna Roll. I think you’ll like that.”
“I’ll have whatever she just said and a water to drink.”
“The Spicy Tuna Roll?” asked the waitress.
“Whatever she said.”
“It was the Spicy Tuna Roll,” Lucy said with a smile as the waitress took off. “You could have just said that, you know.”
“I couldn’t remember what you suggested.”
“How could you not remember it?”
“I can’t keep remember all these foreign names.”
“Spicy Tuna Roll?”
“Right.”
“You couldn’t remember Spicy Tuna Roll? Seriously?” Lucy said, raising her eyebrow at Jacob. “Jacob, you crack me up, you know that?”
“If you say so.”
“And I heard the way you handled that petition nutcase back there. Very assertive,” Lucy said, mistakenly saying assertive instead of asshole-y, since they are phonetically similar.
“I try.”
“Thank you,” Lucy said as the waitress handed her her diet cola. “So how’s the job search going?”
“Well, you know, with the economy being what it is and all, not particularly well,” Jacob said, blaming the economy for his inability to search. Seriously though, what a fucking stupid question. Why do people asks questions that contain their own answer? Obviously, the job search isn’t going well. If it were, I wouldn’t be searching for a job anymore, now would I, super-genius? “And how’s the whole ‘working for daddy’s company’ thing going?”
Lucy shrugged. “It’s alright, I guess. Being a secretary is hard work, but I think it will help my organizational skills, so long term it’s worth it.” Lucy looked down into her drink and pushed the ice cubes around with her straw, in the manner that people do when they’re feeling awkward. “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“About you being a secretary?”
“No, it’s not about me, Jacob. It’s about you.”
“About me?” What the hell is this all about? Is this an intervention? It can’t be an intervention. I haven’t been drinking. Have I? Am I drunk now? I don’t think I am, but then again, if I were drunk, how would I know? Maybe I am drunk, and am just too drunk to know I’m drunk. Maybe this water is really vodka, and I’m just so used to it it tastes like water. Shit, if that’s the case, I really do need an intervention. All this time, I’ve been drunk and I didn’t even know it.
“I want to offer you a job,” Lucy said, with Jacob half-way paying attention in the midst of convincing himself he was a hopeless alcoholic despite the complete lack of evidence. Oh thank god. I am sober after all. I mean, if I really were so drunk that I didn’t even notice I was drinking, she wouldn’t offer me a job. Unless the job is as a janitor. Is the job as a janitor?
“Is it as a janitor?” Jacob asked, slowly accepting the fact that he was about to become the friendly old alcoholic janitor at Lucy’s dad’s company.
“What? No.”
“Why not? Is it because I don’t drink enough? Because I can drink more, if that’s what the job requires.”
“What? How would drinking more make you qualified for anything?”
“I can also grow a mean beard. And, if need be, offer sage advice to executives in crisis.”
“What? No. Why would you want to be a janitor anyway?”
Jacob shrugged. “Isn’t that why you invited me here? You want me to become the wise old alcoholic janitor at your dad’s company.”
“Uh, no. How did you even get to that?”
“It seemed the logical conclusion.”
“How? You’re not old.”
“I will be. In time.”
“You’re not an alcoholic.”
“I can be, with practice.”
“And I’ve seen your apartment. You can’t clean worth shit.”
“That’s because I’m not drunk enough.”
“Ah, thank you,” Lucy said as the waitress brought their food, interrupting Jacob’s series of non sequiturs. The two ate for a while, then Lucy looked at Jacob. “So, how do you like it?”
“What? My Noki Sakamaga, or what did you call these things again?”
“Spicy Tuna Rolls.”
“Yeah, they’re alright, except for the part where they taste like dead, uncooked fish.”
“Anyway, as I was saying, if you’re interested, I could get you a management training position.”
“So, not a janitor then?”
“No Jacob, not a janitor,” Lucy chuckled, choosing to pretend that Jacob was joking, since she couldn’t imagine that he really was that stupid. “This position doesn’t pay great at first, but it’s good experience, and you’ll be on the road for advancement if you stay with the company. It still pays better than a janitor, at any rate.”
“Why’s it pay better? Are you saying that managers are more important to the company than janitors?”
Lucy nodded as she chewed and swallowed her food. “Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Anyway, take some time and think it over. I don’t need a response today, but I do need one in the next couple of weeks.”
The two ate in silence for a few minutes, then Jacob asked, “So, you got any plans for the weekend?”
“Yeah, uh, I think Nancy and I, maybe a few other people, are going to pregame at my place around eight tonight, then head out,” Lucy said, finishing her food. “You’re more than welcome to join us, if you want.”
“Alright. I might. I’ll need to see what Rock has planned. Would it be alright if he stopped by too?”
Lucy shrugged. “I guess so.”
Jacob finished his final Toku Gabawi roll. “Not a huge fan of Rock, I take it?”
“I mean, I just think he tries too hard to act cool,” Lucy said, hitting the nail on the head. “He’s not too bad, he can just kind of get on my nerves. Also, and maybe it’s just the way he is, but I constantly get the feeling he’s hitting on me. It’s a little off-putting, you know?”
Guess Rock was right about this being a non-starter, Jacob thought. “I guess. I mean, he’s a good guy. Anyway, like I said, I want to see what he’s up to, but I’ll text later. I think he said he wants to try to hang out with Nancy tonight.”
“Nancy? Why’s that?” Lucy said, looking up with interest and handing the waitress a credit card. Jacob reached for his wallet, but Lucy stopped him. “No, it’s fine. Since I brought you here to offer you a job, I’m calling it a business expense and putting it on the corporate card.”
�
��Thanks. Anyway, keep this between you and me, but Rock kind of has a thing for Nancy.”
“Really? Hmm. Go figure.”
“Yep.”
“A lot of guys like her. I think it’s because she has big boobs.”
“Yeah, probably. She struck me as kind of…” Jacob started as the two got up to leave, but didn’t finish since he couldn’t think of a nice way to say “fucking idiot”.
“I understand what you’re saying. She can be kind of an airhead,” Lucy said, saving Jacob from having to stick his foot in his mouth. “The weird thing is, as ditzy as she can be at times, she’s actually really smart.”
“How so?”
“Well, I mean, she’s a CPA. That’s how we met. She’s an accountant at my father’s company.”
“Huh. I knew she did something at your father’s company, but I didn’t know what.”
“Really? Don’t you have her on that famous social networking site?”
“No.”
“Really? She didn’t add you? I though she added everybody on that thing.”
“I don’t have an account.”
“Really, Jacob? You do realize it’s not the 1940s anymore, right?”
Jacob shrugged. “I used to have an account, but I deleted it.”
“Why?”
“I got sick of not being able to sign on without somebody cramming their political views down my throat. I mean, I’m on a social website, I don’t want some rant about whatever your idiotic views are. And they’re all stupid.”
“You mean the views of people who don’t agree with you?” Lucy asked, a cautious smirk on her face. “I mean, I completely agree with you. I don’t want to hear anybody’s politics when I sign on either.”
“I mean, it’s not just that. Even people whose views I completely agree with were posting stupid shit. It’s like bumper stickers. If your views on any issue are so simple that they can be summarized on a bumper sticker or a status update, then you are an idiot. Plain and simple. Not to mention the fact that the only people who post political statements are people who are so blindly ideological that they can’t think for themselves to begin with.”
“You couldn’t just ignore them?”
“Who’s got the patience for that?”
“Well, Jacob, glad to see you’re still the curmudgeon you always were. Anyway, I have some errands to run. I’ll see you later tonight?”
“Sure.”
“How was your lunch with Ms. Fontaine, sir?” Reginald asked as Jacob entered the apartment.
“Uh, it was alright. I had the Hiroshima Tacobell Rolls or whatever,” Jacob said, getting his clothes out for later. “I saw that Janelle girl on the way back. She was leaving the building, so I guess she lives here or something.”
“She does, sir. On your floor, in fact.”
“Really? Huh, small world. Anyway, I have to get ready. I’m heading over to Lucy’s later, then we’re going out.”
“Very good, sir. And what was it Ms. Fontaine wanted to discuss with you?”
“Huh? Oh that. She, uh, offered me a job, actually.”
“Excellent, sir. Are you going to take it?”
Jacob shrugged. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“Hmm. Why wouldn’t you, sir?”
“I don’t know, Reginald, I said I haven’t decided. I’m not thrilled about accepting charity. You should know that.”
“You’d rather accept handouts from your parents than pay for work? That seems to make little sense, sir.”
“That’s different, Reginald. Anyway, shut up and leave me alone. I’m leaving in like half an hour, and I have to get ready. I have a feeling this night is going to be epic.”
Chapter 4-Jacob’s Parents.
Jacob woke up the next morning following his “epic” night out to an “epic” banging on his door to go along with his “epic” headache. His “epic” night out had ended, as most of them do, in relative disappoint. It started out alright, with drinks at Lucy’s place, but quickly went downhill when they’d decided to head out. They ended up in a trendy nightclub with too many people where you could neither have a conversation nor get to the bar, and Jacob had tolerated that bullshit for about as long as he could. That had been about a half an hour. Now, he rolled out of bed, tossed on a robe, and made his way to the door.
“Surprise!” Jacob’s mother screeched as he opened the door, grabbing him for a big old mom hug. Looking at Jacob’s attire, her face fell to one of concern. “Oh, we didn’t wake you, did we?”
Jacob pulled his phone out of his robe pocket and checked the time, since nobody under the age of thirty wears a watch anymore, apparently. “Mom, it’s eight o’clock in the morning on a Saturday. Of course you woke me.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Do you want us to leave?”
Jacob sighed. “No, I’m awake now. What do you guys want?”
“We thought we’d come over, check out the new place, and take you out to breakfast,” Jacob’s father said, walking in and looking around. “Sound good?”
“Yeah, fine. Let me just shower, then we’ll go.” Jacob walked into his bathroom, grabbed a couple of ibuprofen and a tall glass of water, downed them, turned the shower on, got in and thought of Brenda.
“So, what’s new with you guys?” Jacob asked, after the three ordered in the shitty diner that they’d decided to eat at.
“Well, we just got back from Detroit,” his mother said.
“I’m sorry. Glad you made it, though.”
“Yeah, your cousin Richard got married last week.”
Oh fuck me. Not the great and wonderful Richard, the lawyer with a beautiful fiancée. Well I guess wife now. Now I’m going to have to hear about his perfect life, and his perfect fucking family, and his perfect fucking perfection. Fucking Richard. “Woopty fucking doo.”
“Jacob, you know I don’t like that language. And don’t be sarcastic.”
Jacob rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Sorry. Anyway, how was the ceremony?”
“Oh, Jacob, it was beautiful. I think even your uncle almost cried.”
“Because he was in Detroit?”
“No, Jacob, you silly goose,” his mother said, slapping him playfully as if he were joking instead of dropping hints that he didn’t want to hear anything else about fucking Richard. “Because the ceremony was so beautiful, you goofball.”
“He almost cried because he was happy? What a fucking pussy.”
“Jacob!”
“Sorry. Pussy.”
“Jacob!”
“I’m sorry. What a silly goose, that goofball.” But seriously, what a fucking pussy. Of course, you’d have to be a pussy to have a kid like fucking Richard.
“Yeah, so that’s pretty much all that’s new with us. What’s new with you?”
Jacob pushed around his corned beef hash, trying to think of a way to answer without telling his mother it was none of her fucking business. “Not much. You remember Lucy from high school?”
“Sure,” his mother lied.
“No you don’t. Anyway, she lives in my apartment complex.”
“Oh. Well, that’s nice.” Jacob’s mother leaned in, close enough to whisper. “Are you two, you know, an item?”
“I’m not marrying her, mom.”
“I’m just asking. I think it’d be nice if you were in a proper relationship, you know. If you went steady with somebody for a change.”
“Going steady? I’m sorry, nobody told me this was the 1950s. Seriously, when I’m in a relationship, I’ll let you know.”
“Alright, alright, I can take a hint. You know, your cousin Richard met his wife when he was about your age. Anyway, I’m going to hit the restroom.”
Fucking Richard, Jacob thought as his mother got up and made her way to the toilets. I hope she falls in.
“You’ll have to forgive your mother. She means well, you know,” Jacob’s father said after his mother had left the table.
“Good intentions don’t make it any less annoyi
ng.”
Jacob’s father laughed. “I know, I know. But that’s family, you know?”
“What? A constant annoyance?”
“No, it’s people who actually care about you. People who actually want to know how you’re doing, and what’s going on in your life. They’re not like fair-weather friends, who just care about what you can do for them.”
“You mean people who know how to give you your personal space? You know, by not waking you up at eight o’clock on a Saturday with a surprise interrogation regarding your personal life.”
“Come now, it wasn’t that bad, was it?”
Jacob shrugged. “At least you didn’t water board me this time.”
“See, it could be worse. Anyway, it’s like the plants we had in the backyard when you were growing up. Friends are like flowers. They’re there for a year, then they’re gone. You have to keep replanting them. Family, on the other hand, is like trees.”
“They leave shit in your yard?”
“No, Jacob.”
“They collapse, destroy your house and kill you?”
“No.”
“One day, they fall down and you have to cut them up and throw them in the river?”
“No, Jacob,” his father sighed. “Well, maybe. Anyway, my point is that they’re always there for you. You see what I’m saying?”
No. I hate trees. “Sure dad. Whatever,” he said as his mother returned to the table.
“So, how’s the job search going?”
“Fine, dad.”
“Have you been looking on the interwebs?”
“The interwebs? Do you perhaps mean the internet?”
“Whatever.”
“Yes, dad, I’ve been looking on the internet.”
“Any leads?”
Jacob sighed at the inanity of his father’s questions. “Actually, yes,” he said, simply desiring to get his father off his back. “Lucy offered me a job.”
“Are you sure that’s wise?” his mother asked. “You know, with your personal relationship and all?”
“Mom, we’ve been over this. There is no personal relationship. We’re just friends.”
