by Beverly Rae
Ignoring the truth of what he said, she tried to protest again, but he wouldn’t let her. He took her wrist, breaking her hold on him, and moved her arm to her side. She studied the all-too-familiar stubborn expression. His mind was made up and once his mind was made up… “Won’t you please reconsider?”
“No. My decision is made. Trust me, Alex. I need to leave.”
She searched his face, trying to think how to make him stay, but she knew he was right. They’d sidestepped the unspoken problem between them long enough. Even if Dirk hadn’t come along, they would’ve had to confront it. But she didn’t want to think about that. She’d let it go for now, saving it for a later time, a time alone when she could cry. Slowly, she picked up her jeans lying on the counter, reached into the pocket and pulled out the moon-shaped stone. “I want you to take this back.”
“But it’s yours. Why would you give it back? We’re still friends, right?”
“I want you to have it so you’ll remember how much you mean to me. How much you’ll always mean to me. No matter what happens between us or whoever comes into my life. Keep it safe for me.”
“Okay. But you ask for it anytime you want. It’ll be something we’ll always share.”
“Agreed. We’ll keep it special, just between us.” Her attempt to smile failed under the weight of her heart. Conner moved away and her stomach rolled, anguish forming a knot in her abdomen.
Conner’s expression matched the werewolf’s. The two men gripped each other’s right forearm and studied each other. With a nod at Dirk, Conner broke their handshake to give her another hug. She held her breath, somehow keeping her arms at her sides, and closed her eyes, once again taking in his essence. He stepped away, slicing an agonizing rip into her heart, turned briefly to give her a soft smile, then closed the door behind him.
Letting out a moan, Alex fell against Dirk and clung to him. How much more of her life did she have to give up? Why did she keep losing the people she loved?
Dirk enveloped her, leading her to the bed to lower her on the edge. Sitting next to her, he hugged her, cooing soft words of comfort. She reached for his hand and held on, using it as her anchor in a world suddenly turned upside down.
“Why did he have to go? I thought we were doing okay, the three of us.” She tightened her grip on Dirk.
“We were and we weren’t.”
It wasn’t fair of her, but she didn’t care. She shoved him away, frustration whirling with anger. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Alex, you’re hurting, I know. But once you calm down and have some time to think about it, you’ll know it was for the best.”
“For the best? How the hell is running off my best friend for the best?” She glared at him, wanting to hurt him, to make him feel her pain. Even if she was wrong in doing so.
“You didn’t run him off, you know. He’s still your friend, will always be your friend. In fact, I envy him that. He’s lucky that he’s known you all these years. The only difference between then and now is that he realizes that’s all he’ll ever be.”
She stood, pacing across the floor to the window. Scanning the yard below, she searched for Conner, but he was already gone. She leaned her forehead against the pane and closed her eyes. “I can’t believe I hurt him this way. If we’d never gotten together, hadn’t had sex…” Yet she couldn’t regret giving that part of her to him, if only for a short time.
“Do you mean you and Conner? Or me and you?” He waved the questions away. “Never mind. He would’ve had to come to grips with it some other way.”
She turned away from the yard, unable to stand the emptiness. “I know. But why couldn’t he have stayed with us, helped us search? I should have made him stay.”
“You really would have hurt him then.” He waited for her, hands clasped in his lap. “You’re doing what’s right for him by letting him leave now.”
She hated the fact that he was right. Hated the fact that she knew he was. A tear, the first one she’d shed in the year since Lara’s death, slid down her cheek to wet the corner of her mouth. She licked it away and tucked her chin, averting her eyes.
“Alex, what is it that’s hurting you? Not just Conner, but the thing that’s deep inside you?”
She gasped, then raised her gaze to meet his. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Seeing the refusal to accept her lie reflected in his face, she turned away.
“I can tell you’ve lost someone. Maybe more than one?” He was by her side before she could force a response. “Please, Alex, tell me. I see the sadness in you and I want to help. Trust me to shoulder some of your pain.” He tipped her chin up. “I may make a lot of jokes, but I know what it’s like to suffer a loss.”
“I don’t like to talk about it.” Would he understand? Could he? She tried to shrug him off, but he wouldn’t let her.
“I get it, Alex. You’ve gotten really good at pushing the bad thoughts aside, haven’t you?”
She took a calming breath and released it, the air shuddering out of her. Biting her lip, she searched him, wanting to believe. “How do you know? How could you tell?”
His smile, so full of empathy, lifted her spirits. “Oh, sugar, you know what they say. It takes one to know one.” A cloud darkened him, in his body, in his tone. “A hunter killed my father when I was a teenager. But it was the same as if he’d killed both my parents. My mother was never the same after that. She withdrew, lost interest in everything, including her children. At first, I vowed revenge, hated everyone and everything around me. I let my anger out the only way I knew how, by killing cattle for no other reason than the need to inflict my pain on someone or something.”
Like her brother had? She opened her mouth to ask, then closed it, unable to voice her greatest fear.
“The rancher who owned the cows punished me by putting these scars on my back.”
“Oh, Dirk, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, but I deserved it. He could’ve done much worse. After that, I withdrew from everyone. Hell, I barely said a word for two years.”
She touched his arm, skimming her hand down his shoulder to take his hand in hers. He linked his fingers with hers. “Still, it’s a horrible story and I’m sorry you went through that.” Knowing he would understand, she managed a smirk. “But you not speaking? I don’t believe it.”
He chuckled, patted her arms in much the same way Conner had. “Yeah, but I swear it’s true. After that, I found another way to cope. I changed into the smart-talking lovable hound you know so well.” His smile faded. “But it’s only a defense thing. Something to keep the grief from rearing its ugly head.” He narrowed his eyes. “So, now that you see I understand where you’re coming from, tell me. What’s eating you up inside? Stop hiding, Alex, and let me in.”
She licked her lips, trying to moisten the dryness, trying to decide what to do. Yet when he touched her face, ran his thumb over her cheek to wipe away a tear she hadn’t realized she’d shed, the words began flowing. “My brother Bryer was my best friend. Even closer than Conner. He made me laugh, made me believe that anything was possible. Life was good then. Unburdened.”
He led her back to the bed, retook their seats. “And then something happened to Bryer?”
“In a way.” For a moment, she could see Lara and Bryer, happy and alive, announcing their union to the council. “Bryer fell in love with a beautiful werecat, a lovely woman named Lara. They were the perfect couple.” She sighed. “I prayed I could find joy the way they had.”
“But something happened, didn’t it? Go on, Alex. Don’t stop now.”
She put her head on his shoulder, committed to continuing, relieved to finally tell him her secret. “They were married less than a year when it happened. Lara—she was always so adventurous—went too far away from our home.” He cradled her hand in his and she stared at their hands, amazed at the way hers fit perfectly in his.
He stroked her hair and
she closed her eyes, drawing strength from him. “You loved her.”
“More. I loved and respected her. Lara was fearless in everything she did.”
“But that fearlessness cost her her life?”
She nodded and choked out the words. “Her father found her the next day. She’d fallen off a cliff and we thought it was an accident. But then Bryer saw the wounds in her head, the bullet holes…”
“I’m sorry, Alex. For you and for Bryer.”
She leaned back so she could see his face. “But it was worse than that. Bryer died that day, too. Not physically, but emotionally. He changed from the second he saw her lying at the bottom of the cliff. My funny, lovable brother changed into a cold, cruel person I no longer knew.”
“Then it’s like you lost both of them. One was dead, but the other wasn’t really alive either. I know how that is.”
He understood. She touched him, making sure he truly existed, wasn’t merely a dream. She’d never found anyone in the past year who’d understood how she felt. Conner had understood, but not in the same way. He couldn’t have. Only someone who’d suffered the same way she had could understand completely. Did she dare tell him the rest?
“Alex, you can trust me. Go on.”
All she needed was to hear him ask. She released the hurt in a rush of words. “My people, even Conner, think my brother Bryer is the rogue werecat. They think he’s trying to stir up trouble between the ranchers and the pride. He blames all human hunters for Lara’s death and the pride for not agreeing to his need for revenge. He feels like the pride is betraying him and they think he’s trying to start a war where both shifters and humans will get hurt. A war of revenge for Lara’s murder.” She dragged in air, then let it out in one quick breath.
“And what about you? Do you think it’s Bryer?”
She shook her head, then stopped. “I don’t know. Part of me can’t imagine my brother doing this, instigating all this trouble.” Placing her trembling hands in her lap, she closed her eyes and forced herself to go on. “But another part of me can’t deny that it makes sense. In a very real sense, my brother died a year ago, and this person walking around in his body is a stranger.”
“You’ve had a hard time of it, haven’t you?” His tone was lower, gentler.
Alex inhaled, held her breath, then let it out in a slow sigh. The anger, the agony, hell, the guilt for wanting to live her life without the heartache crashed together inside her, forming a whirling ball of grief she could no longer force down. Clutching Dirk, she nodded, then sobbed, finally giving voice to the blackness that was her sorrow.
“Pick it up, Dirk.” Alex quickened her step, taking the lead and leaving Dirk struggling to match her pace.
“Will you quit running me to death? I know you miss Conner, but you don’t have to take it out on me.”
She slowed her pace until he was by her side. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to— I miss him so much.”
His silence said more than his words ever could have. After comforting her, he’d stayed with her, holding her close, her tears wetting his chest.
She listened to the padding of their feet on the forest floor. Dirk’s stride and hers matched, mixing together in an easy way that was both new and familiar. “Thank you for this morning.”
“I’m glad you confided in me.”
“Me, too.” They jumped in tandem over a fallen tree. “I feel better about Conner now that I know he’ll still be my friend.” Did she dare say the rest? Dirk and she had grown closer, letting her believe in him. She shot him a smile filled with thanks. “I’m glad to have a friend who understands what I went through. What I’m still going through.”
“I’ll always be here for you, Alex.” She sent him a questioning look that he caught and tried to dismiss. “Isn’t that what friends do for each other?”
A warm glowed filled her, taking some of the loneliness of Conner’s absence away.
“In fact, it’s good that Conner realizes where he stands. Now he can move on.” Dirk’s hand touched hers, his sensuality rippling off his body and into her like waves onto a beach. “He’ll move on and then you’ll do the same. When the right person comes along.”
The right person? She watched Dirk, his hard body glistening in the sun, and her stomach did a strange flip-flop. Shyness hit her and she tried to keep her face neutral, not wanting her thoughts to show on her face. “I guess you’re right.” She suddenly brightened. “Oh, wow. I just had the best idea. I know the perfect lady for Conner. She’s always had a crush on him.”
“See? Things have a way of working out for the best.” His sly smile crept at the corners of his mouth. “Especially when I’m around.”
“Ah, Dirk, your parents should have named you Mr. Perfect.”
“Hey, when you know you’re the best, why deny—”
A bellow, full of rage and pain, shattered the air around them. Dirk and Alex pivoted, each letting out a warning snarl.
Dirk rushed down the side of the hill toward the sound. Alex pounded the earth beside him, her breath hitching in her throat as she fought the rising panic. Was that scream from an animal? Or from something, someone else? They’d immediately rushed in that direction, not taking the time to disrobe and shift completely, and keeping up with Dirk was proving to be difficult. She slid on the small rocks on the hillside, ignoring the branches of the brushes, breaking heedlessly through them. Dirk pulled away from her, blazing the trail ahead of her, telling her to stay behind him. They broke into the valley, bursting through the tree line. Dirk slammed to a stop in front of her and she almost rammed into his back in an effort to stop. He grabbed her, tried to turn her away, but she struggled against him.
“Alex, no. Don’t look.”
Fear of what she would see shot through her, but the need to see, to know what had put that shocked expression on his face, overwhelmed his warning.
“Let go of me.” She flung her body away, breaking his hold on her, determined to face the worst.
“Oh, my God.” Horror stunned her, making her immobile. Her gaze zeroed in on her brother, glorious in his werecat form, hunched over the body of a mutilated cow. He lifted his face to her, his bloody lips pulled into a defiant snarl. Angry golden eyes locked on to her, turning her blood to ice. His huge frame unfolded from his crouch, his tail whipping back and forth, and he cocked his head to one side as if to question what he saw.
“Bryer.” The word was expelled in a harsh whisper of denial. What she had feared the most had come true. Her brother, the fun-loving playmate of her youth, was the killer. The tears came and her mind slowly accepted what her eyes showed her.
“Alex.”
Dirk’s gentle tone, so incongruous with the awful scene before her, drew her gaze away from her brother. She frowned at Dirk, unable to speak as the myriad of emotions tumbled through her.
“Alex, it’s Conner.” Dirk tipped his head toward a form lying a several feet from the dead cow. She turned, her mind reeling, and stared at the crumpled heap.
Where her body had gone numb before, pain rushed to fill those dead areas, anguishing her brain first, then her flesh. Conner lay on the ground surrounded by a growing red stain. A small cry escaped her and she moved toward the unmoving form before Dirk could stop her. “Conner!”
Falling to the ground next to him, she grabbed his shirt and pulled him onto his back. She gasped, then clutched his blood-soaked shirt, to hold on against the wave of nausea racking her. His face. His handsome, sweet face. It’s gone. “No. Please, please, please. This isn’t real.”
For a brief wonderful moment she allowed a fantasy to play out. Maybe it really wasn’t him. With a face that disfigured, how could she be sure? Holding her breath, she ran her hands over him, searching for some kind of identification. She had to find a clue that would tell her this lifeless body wasn’t her childhood friend. Praying harder than she’d ever done, she dug into his pockets, his blood staining her fingers, her hands, her clothes. At last, however, she felt the
familiar smooth object in his front pocket and knew. Slowly, she withdrew the moon-shaped stone.
“Oh, Conner.” Her throat ached, her words coming out in a croak.
Her brother had murdered her best friend. Although every ounce of her wanted to deny the reality lying next to her, she couldn’t ignore the horrific sight. Memories of Conner and Bryer playfully wrestling as she called encouragement to first one then the other flooded through her, battling against the stench of death filling her nostrils. More images filled her mind. Bryer hugging a laughing Conner, his arm protectively wrapped around the smaller shifter. Conner and Bryer hunting together, sensing what the other would do without signals or words. She closed her eyes, blocking out the horror. If she wished hard enough, could she make it all go away? Yet when she opened her eyes again, the terrible ugliness remained.
A low growl tore her away from her friend. She glanced at her brother, his tail still swishing, his ears laid back. “How could you? How could you do this to Conner?”
Why had her good-natured brother lost his soul and transformed into a heartless killer?
Fury swept through her. Unable to hold it back, she unleashed it, pushing all her agony out with it. She slammed her fist on the ground, her lips pulling into a snarl. “Damn you, Bryer! Damn you to Hell! I stood by you through all of this, through everything the others said about you. But they were right. You are evil.” She broke down, giving way to heaving sobs that racked her body. Placing her hand in the sticky mess that remained of Conner’s chest, she said one last silent farewell, then rose to her feet. “No more, brother. Your killing spree ends. Here and now.”
She shifted then, tearing her clothes off, allowing the transformation to rip them away.
Roaring, Bryer leapt, not giving Alex time to finish shifting. Caught in midtransformation, she did her best to get ready for the attack.
“No!”
Dirk’s shout startled her seconds before his hard body rammed against her side. Bryer never reached her. Instead, she hit the ground, the jolt knocking the air from her and rattling her teeth. She shook her head, trying to make the world come into focus again and suddenly wished she hadn’t. Still out of breath and aching from the blow, she could do nothing more than watch the two shifters fight.
