by Elin Peer
“Get up!” Johnson shouted at me when he returned. I wasn’t fast enough for his taste, and it made him grab my shirt by the collar, dragging me along with him.
The contrast between his dark office and the burning sunlight outside blinded me. But after blinking my eyes open, I saw he had lined up all the students at the school.
“Jack, come here!” Johnson ordered and a skinny boy took two small steps forward. His shoulders hunched up to his ears, and his head hung low.
“You see that small kid?” Johnson shouted at me. “That’s Jack, the smallest student in our entire school.”
I knew Jack. He was three years younger than me and I had found him hiding from the older kids plenty of times. Once, I had interfered when he was being dragged through the snow with his head down. His mouth and nostrils had been full of snow and although the boys said it was just for fun, I knew Jack wouldn’t have survived the hazing much longer, had I not interfered.
“Finn here doesn’t know what it means to follow instructions,” Johnson roared to all the boys. “He thinks he can talk back to me, and crack jokes behind my back.”
With legs like jelly, I would have fallen if Johnson hadn’t been holding me up with a firm grip on my shirt.
“Being small for your age is no excuse not to do your best,” Johnson shouted. “Finn doesn’t seem to know the difference between sprinting and jogging.”
With a shove to my back, Johnson pushed me toward Jack.
“I’ll make it easy for you, Finn. This time you don’t have to race against boys your own age. Hell, you don’t even have to race against boys one or two years younger than you. I’ve chosen the smallest, most pathetic kid in our whole school.”
Jack ducked his head even lower.
“What do you think?” Johnson called out to the hundred and thirty boys in the audience. “Do you think Finn can outrun Jack? Or do you think even a ten-year-old is faster than him?”
No one answered.
“On the count of three, you’re going to race around the school twice. We’ll be waiting right here to see who the biggest loser is.”
Jack got into position while I thought about just sitting down. There was no way I could race around the school in my condition. I was exhausted and in so much pain that just walking took all my strength.
“3. 2. 1. Go!” Johnson shouted and Jack sprinted ahead. On a normal day, I could’ve easily outrun him, but today I just staggered to the school building. Every step was like a mile and sweat ran down my face from the strain of moving my feet. My heart was racing, but my pained body moved in slow motion.
When Jack passed me after his first round, he muttered something about not giving up and getting in even more trouble with Mentor Johnson.
My vision was too blurry to see him clearly, my body too tired to answer his warning. With my shoulder and hands supporting my weight against the school building, I somehow dragged my feet along until my knees buckled under me and I collapsed.
Rubbing my forehead didn’t help erase the memories. If it did, I would’ve rubbed until my skin bled years ago.
A gust of cold wind made me get up from the place where I had been squatting, a sound making me turn my head toward the mill.
Athena’s cat sat on the doorstep, licking its fur, and scheming some evil plan.
“Yeah, I’m with you on that one, Beast, I don’t trust Hans either,” I said and walked closer. “People who seem nice are the ones you have to be careful about. Why is he wearing make-up? What is he trying to hide? Does he really like kale, or is he just trying to get on Athena’s good side?” While talking, I stroked the cat and it started purring. “Ah, you like that, do you?”
With a last stroke behind her ear, I stood up and took a deep breath before I opened the door.
Athena and Hans were sitting on the sofa, and they both turned their heads to look at me.
“Your cat was trying to get in,” I said. “I tried to convince her that she was much better off staying outside with me, but it’s almost November and cold, so you know…” I shrugged and trailed off. “He insisted we should come inside.”
“Bast is a wise cat,” Athena said.
“Wise enough never to curse around you,” I joked.
Athena patted Hans’ hand before she got up and came to face me. “Do you want your name on the cake?” she asked and just like that, we were back on track.
CHAPTER 14
Distraction
Athena
“Instead of complaining about it, why don’t you just try to relax?” I suggested and propped myself on my elbow next to Finn.
“I’m warning you,” he said in a grumpy tone. “I’m running out of patience with you. All your meditation is getting on my nerves, and it’s unnecessary and ridiculous that I have to be tied to this bed.”
“It’s Karma,” I said. “Haven’t you ever heard the saying that you'll never understand the damage you did to someone else until the same thing is done to you?”
Our eyes clashed. “I already lived through it last night, and it was horrible,” Finn complained.
“I see,” I said, feeling my empathy flare up. “I’m not willing to untie you, but maybe there’s something I can do to distract you a bit.”
Finn stilled and arched a brow. “Like a strip show?”
I laughed. “No, I had something else in mind.”
“What?” He jerked the ropes. “Please tell me it involves a part of me inserted inside of you.”
“Ah, and we’re back to the making love part.”
“That’s right.” He lowered his brow. “Remember you said we could be naked together and I could anchor you.”
“I remember. But the anchor is a metaphor for a spiritual connection. And I only said maybe.”
Angling his head. Finn gave me a hopeful smile. “Admit it, beautiful, you’re curious too. You want to know what it would be like to make love to me.”
“True,” I said and watched him closely again. “There’s a part of me that has considered the thought, but unlike you I’m not tempted by the mechanical part of it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“When it comes to sex, I’m more interested in the experience of bonding through energy. I imagine it would almost feel like melting together with someone.”
Finn looked mildly disturbed. “Do you even know what sex is?” he asked. “It’s not some spiritual thing, it’s raw and dirty. Sex is me pushing you back and licking your tits, tasting your body, and stretching your inner walls to fit the size of my cock. Sex is you surrendering to me and letting me take you to heaven.”
“To heaven?” I smiled and blew some hair away from my face. “You would take me to heaven?”
A smug smile grew on Finn’s face. “Untie me and I’ll show you.”
“No,” I said with a soft smile. “But I have good news for you.”
“And what’s that?”
“The curse.”
His eyes lit up. “What about it?”
“I found the way to reverse it. But I have to do it at least three times for us to be sure that it works.”
“All right, and do you know how to?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Then what are you waiting for?”
I looked deep into his eyes, while I spoke in Latin; a dead language used only by scholars and theologists, like myself. Studying religions of the past required knowledge of languages, since the books that were uncovered in archeological excavations were often written in languages other than English. It complicated our work that our forefathers had buried the old world with everything in it. The horrible deaths of billions of people had left the survivors with major health concerns in regard to the pollution that had been spread, but also the number of corpses decomposing in the buildings and the streets. Whole countries were left empty while the survivors focused on rebuilding the areas of the world that were still inhabitable. As a result, large amounts of knowledge and technology had been lost back then, and
for hundreds of years the sole focus of the Council had been to clean the planet and nurture it back to life. For centuries, the old world was considered better left alone, and that attitude made archeological excavations underfunded. Only these past fifty years had brought back an increased interest in what had once been, and we were reclaiming bits and pieces now.
“What did you say?” Finn asked.
I repeated the words in Latin again.
“What does it mean?”
“The direct translation would be that you’ll find satisfaction and fulfillment in the arms of a woman.”
“Good.” He nodded. “I like it.” Tasting the words, he repeated “satisfaction and fulfillment!”
“It will work,” I said with conviction.
“Maybe it already has,” he pointed out, and narrowed his eyes. “We should test it, just to see if it’s already working…”
“I told you, I’ll have to repeat it at least three times, and no, I can’t just say it three times in a row. There has to be at least twenty-four hours in between.”
“But we could still test it,” he said again and gave me a charming smile that softened me.
“Finn, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, why not? It’s not like I’m busy right now.”
“Do you really find all women beautiful or is it just something you say to get sex?”
I could tell from the humor playing in his eyes that he was going to give me one of his sarcastic answers, so I silenced him with a finger to his lips. “Be honest, please.”
We looked into each other’s eyes and he grew more serious. “I’m not blind, Athena. I know you’re above the others in looks.”
“You would say that to every woman who asked you that question.”
“Yeah, but with you I mean it. I’ve always found you beautiful.”
I was skeptic of his words and looked for signs of his being untruthful. There were none.
“I even find the tattoos on your forehead sexy,” he added.
“Why? They are symbols of wisdom.”
“I know, and it turns me on that you’re so damn wise.”
My heart hammered a bit faster. “But you would still prefer a new woman every night?”
Finn tensed a little. “Of course.”
“Have I distracted you enough now?” I asked and rolled back to lie on my back with a deep disappointment taking root. For almost two decades, I had worked hard to eliminate my ego, and rise above petty things like vanity and pride. But the pressure in my chest was a sign that I still had a long way to go. Finn’s comment that one woman wouldn’t be enough to keep his interest had hit me as a declaration that I wouldn’t be enough, and it stung.
Finn grew silent and we lay next to each other in the bed for a while.
“Athena,” he whispered.
“Yes.”
“Why do you keep asking me that same question?”
I thought about it before I answered. “From what I know about your kin, Nmen like to bond to a woman. Yet you’re different and seem almost afraid of getting too close to anyone.”
“That’s not true. I already told you I had sex with five women.”
I turned my head at the same time as he did and we locked eyes again. “Then tell me why you kept jumping to the next woman instead of seducing the first into becoming your wife?”
He blinked and looked to my lips for a split second before he jerked at the ropes again. “I wish you would untie me.”
“And I wish you would answer my question. Don’t think I don’t see your strategy of changing the subject when you don’t want to answer.”
“I wasn’t in love with any of the women,” he said. “If you must know, then you’re right; I’m not like my friends. Unlike them I’m not capable of falling in love.”
“Why not?”
“It’s just not possible for me to feel that way about another person.”
“How do you know for sure?”
“Look, I have one good friend. That’s it! And even Magni and I don’t talk about shit like this, so don’t expect me to transform into a Momsi man and share all my feelings with you.”
“You don’t talk about your feelings with Magni?”
“Hell no! We fight, we drink beers, and we solve problems.”
“But what if your problems are emotional?” I asked.
“Then we solve it by getting piss drunk.”
I shook my head. “Drowning your problems isn’t the same as solving them, and I don’t believe that Magni is your only friend.”
“My closest then. Look, are we done with this interrogation?”
“If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine, but would you allow me to try something with you?”
“Sure, as long as it’s sexual.”
Moving closer to him, I cuddled up against Finn’s body and placed my arm across his abdomen.
“You wanna move your hand a little further down to find my anchor, honey,” he teased.
I closed my eyes to connect to his energy.
His pulse was racing, and I didn’t know if it was sexual arousal or a dislike of being this close to me.
“Are you just going to stop it at that?” Finn asked. “If you untie me, I’ll show you how sex is done.”
“The only reason I’m this close to you is because you’re tied up,” I responded.
“Fine,” Finn mumbled, “but do me a favor.”
Lifting my head, I looked at him. “What?”
“Don’t fall in love with me.”
When I stared at him dumbfounded, he continued. “One or two of the women that I slept with were confused and thought they were in love with me; it made things awkward.”
“Thank you for the warning, but I’m hardly–” I started but Finn cut me off.
“I’m only staying here a few more days and then you’ll never see me again. I meant it when I said that I’m not capable of falling in love, so don’t go and spin some romantic notions about me, okay?”
“I’ll remember that.”
“Good, so maybe you want to stop clinging to me.”
That only made me snuggle closer up against him. “You have nothing to worry about,” I said softly. “I’m not falling in love with you. I’m just healing you a bit by offering you the warmth and human connection you’ve been missing.”
“Great, but can you do it from your own side of the bed?” Finn said and tried to move away from me. “I’m not very comfortable with you this close.”
“Just relax,” I whispered.
Finn snorted. “You tell that to my rock-hard erection.”
“It will go away if you ignore it, won’t it?” I said.
“Uh-huh, but it would go away faster if you just jerked me off or something.”
A chuckle erupted from me. “Nice try, Finn. I don’t even think you have an erection and I’m not looking down to see if you’re right. You’re just saying it to get me to leave you alone because it freaks you out to be this close to me.”
“You don’t need to look down,” Finn said with mischief in his voice. “Just search for my erection with your hand and when you find it, stroke it a little, will you?”
“Good night, Finn.” I said. “I’m on to you. I know something bad happened in your past and when you’re ready to tell me about it, I’m ready to listen.”
Finn tensed up and stopped breathing for a few seconds, “You don’t know anything about me,” he muttered.
“I’m an empath and that means I listen to more than your words.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I listen to your tone, your body movements, your eyes, your subtle facial expressions. I interpret your silence. I can hear everything you don't say in words,” I explained.
“Oh yeah? That’s funny, because I’m the same,” Finn said quickly. “With me it’s all about people’s hands though. You can tell everything from a man’s hands, really.”
I lifted my eyebrows. “I didn’
t know that.”
“Yes, for instance if his hands are around your throat he's angry.” Finn chuckled but it was a hollow sound that didn’t fool me.
Karma was working her magic. Finn’s armor of humor was wearing thin. I knew in my heart that it didn’t matter that I couldn’t replicate the exact same type of fear that I’d endured in the Northlands. Finn was experiencing a different kind of fear. He was used to suppressing bad memories and drowning them in alcohol. With me, he was forced to be still long enough for his past to catch up to him.
If only I knew what happened to him so I could help him. Listening to the steady rhythm of Finn’s guarded heart, I thought about his warning not to fall in love with him. It was a silly thing for him to say since falling in love was a rare concept in this day and age. The chances of two people as different as Finn and me falling in love had to be a statistical impossibility.
I lay awake reflecting, analyzing, and probing at my wounded ego when a disturbing thought came up.
Was I using Karma as an excuse to soothe my own ego?
I’d told myself I was going through this ordeal to help Finn, but was that the truth? What if these five days were about making me feel good about myself? Studying history, I’d learned of monks who would pray for the soldiers who slaughtered their people, and after my time as a hostage, I’d kept thinking about stories of prisoners being bigger people, forgiving their prison guards, and I’d wanted to be like them.
Did that mean I was using Finn to boost my own ego?
My inner balance was out of whack around this man and my thought processes blurred. In the end, I concluded that even if my ego played a part in it, Finn was still better off with my forgiveness than without it.
CHAPTER 15
Confessions
Finn
I woke up to an empty bed and a delicious smell of pancakes. The knots had been loosened enough that I could pull my arms and legs free of the ropes, and I sat up running my hands through my hair and stretching my arms.
It had been a long time since I had woken up so well rested. I didn’t remember having a single nightmare either. At first, Athena’s closeness had made it hard to fall asleep, but somehow I had managed to drift off.
