Why didn't you tell me you knew? I've made an ass of myself all these months, haven't I?
Is that what bothers you now? Making an ass of yourself? He looked suddenly angry and she shook her head and looked away.
No. I' I just don't know what to say.'
Tell me the truth, Kate. Tell me what it's like. What kind of shape he's in, whether you love him, is it any kind of a life for you, where does it leave us ' I don't know what hope there is for our future, or for his. I have a right to know those things I had a right to know them from the first But I didn't tell you I knew because you had to trust me enough to tell me yourself. You never did. I had to confront you.
I think I was trying to protect both of you.
And maybe yourself. He turned away from her and looked out at the Bay.
Yes. Her voice was very quiet in the room. And maybe myself. I love you, Nick. I didn't want to lose you. We have something with each other that I've never had before, with anyone. Tom knew me as a girl. I was a child with him, until ' until the accident. And now he's the child. He's like a little boy, Nick. He plays games, he draws, he's a little less grown up than Tygue. He cries ' he needs me. And he gets about as much from me as he wants. I can't take that away from him. I can't leave him. Her voice caught on the words:
No one is asking you to, Kate. I never would have asked you that. But I just wanted to know. I wanted to hear it from you. Will he go on that way for a very long time?
Until the end, whenever that comes. It could be days, or months, or years. No one can know. And in the meantime ' I visit.
How do you stand it? He turned to look at her again and there was pain and compassion in his eyes.
She smiled a small wintry smite. I owe it to him, Nick. Once he was everything to me. He was all I had, after my parents closed the door on me. He gave me everything. Now all I can give him are a few hours a week. I can spare those hours. I have to. She said it defiantly as she watched him.
I understand that. He went to her and put his arms around her with a sigh. It's something you have to do. I respect that. I wish I could make it easier for you though.
It's not that hard anymore. I got used to it a long, long time ago. If you ever really get used to that sort of thing. At least it doesn't shock me anymore or break my heart the way it once did.
Was Felicia around then, darling? He cuddled her close and she looked up at him with a small smile. It was a relief to tell him, and she hated herself for not doing it sooner.
Yes. She was around through the whole thing. She was marvelous. She was even in the delivery room with me when Tygue was born.
I wish I'd been there then.
She smiled tiredly. She had a peaceful feeling she hadn't had in years. He knew everything now. There were no more secrets. No more dreading he'd find out I was so afraid of what you'd think if you knew.
Why?
Because I'm married. Because I'm not free. That's not really fair to you.
It doesn't make any difference. One day you won't be married anymore. There's time for us, Kate. We have a lifetime ahead of us.
You're an incredible man, Nicholas Waterman.
Bullshit You'd feel the same' . Kate?
Mm?
Your parents never contacted you after he ' after the accident? He had understood that that was the euphemism she used for the shooting.
Never once. They made up their minds when I went to live with Tom, and that was it What he did just confirmed everything they'd thought about him, I guess, and as far as they were concerned I was no better than he was. I'd gotten what I deserved. They were just very black and white in their thinking. There were acceptable people and unacceptable people ' I was no longer acceptable because of Tom, so they felt justified in cutting me out of their lives.
I don't know how they could live with themselves.
Neither do I, but that's not my problem anymore. It hasn't been for a long, long time. It's all very remote. And I'm glad. It's really all over. The only thing that isn't, that never will be, is my obligation to Tom.
Tygue doesn't know, does he? He was sure that he didn't, but there was always a chance that the boy had been hiding it from him too.
No. Felicia says I'll have to tell him one day, but I haven't figured that out yet It's too soon now anyway.
Nick nodded and then looked at her strangely. Can I ask you an odd question?
Of course.
Do you ' do you still love Tom? He made himself say it. He had to know.
Her voice was full of astonishment when she answered him. Do you think I could love you as I do, live with you like this, be yours, if I did? Yes, I love him. As I love a child, as I love Tygue. He's not a man, Nick. He's my past ' and only a ghost ' the ghost of a child.
I'm sorry I asked.
Don't be. You have a right to all the answers now. And I suppose it's hard to understand. There's no man there to love. Oh, before you came along, once in a while, I'd pretend to myself that there was a glimmer of something. But there wasn't. There hasn't been in seven years. I go to see him because that's what I do. Because once he was good to me, because a long time ago I loved him more than anyone I'd ever known or loved before, and because Tygue is his son. Suddenly she was crying again, and the tears were streaming down her face. But I love you, Nick, I love you ' as ' I never loved him. I've waited such a long time for you. He reached for her then and pulled her into his arms so hard that they were both stunned by the force of his grip on her. He needed her just as desperately. He had needed her for years.
Oh darling, I'm so sorry.
She pulled away with a sigh. I've been so afraid, ever since the book's been a success, that someone would find me out. That someone would dig up all that shit and spread it all over my face. He cringed again at the thought of what she must have been going through. It was a wonder she had gone to Los Angeles at all. And when you said you'd played football, I almost died. She laughed as she looked up at him, but his face was still almost gray.
The funny thing is that I knew him. Not well. I was in and out of football too fast, and he was already on top when I came into it. But he seemed like a nice guy.
He was. She looked sad at the words. He was.
What made him do it? What broke him? The papers he'd read hadn't really given him any insight, It was as though the reporters didn't care why.
Pressure. Fear. He was being shoved out and it drove him crazy. He had nothing else in his life, only football. He didn't know what else to do. And he had also invested his money pretty badly and he wanted everything for Tygue, That was all he could think of. His son He wanted one more season so he could sock away a fortune for Tygue, And they canned him. You read the papers. You know the rest.
He nodded somberly. Does he know about Tygue?
He wouldn't understand. I visited him the whole time I was pregnant. He had no more interest or understanding than any kid that age. I think he just thought I was fat
Has there been any change over the years? He was embarrassed to ask.
But she only shook her head. No. Except in the past few weeks. He's not himself. But the doctor says it's nothing unusual.
Is it a decent place?
Yes, very. She reached out to him then and he came to sit next to her on the floor. I love you, Mr. Waterman, even if you did scare the hell out of me. I thought you were going to tell me we were through.
What do you mean, you crazy woman? Did you think I'd really let you go?
I'm a married woman, Nick. She said it with a tone of despair. She knew how badly he wanted to get married. And there was no chance. Not as long as Tom was alive.
So what? Does it bother you that you're married, Kate?
She shook her head very simply. I thought it out very carefully before I drove to Santa Barbara to see you this summer. In my heart, I'm not married to him anymore.
That's all that matters. The rest is nobody's business but ours. Is that the only reason why you didn't tell me, Kate?
&n
bsp; No ' I ' well, that's part of it. The other part was just cowardice, I suppose, had kept everyone outside the sacred walls for so long that I couldn't imagine telling anyone the truth. And by the time I could imagine telling you, it seemed impossible to start from the beginning and admit I had lied. How do you say to someone, Oh, remember when I told you I was a widow, well, actually, I was lying. My husband is in a sanatarium in Carmel and I go to see him a couple of times a week.' I don't know, Nick, it sounded nuts, and admitting it, talking about it-it's like reliving it. It's like feeling it all over again.
I'm sorry about that. He held her closer.
Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's time the whole thing was aired. But you know what else I was afraid of? I was afraid that once you knew, you'd make me stop seeing Tom. I couldn't do that, Nick. He means too much to me. I owe him a debt until he dies.
Is that the only reason why you do it? Because you owe' him? She shook her head.
No. For a lot of reasons. Because I loved him, because of the strength he gave me at times, because of what we shared ' because of Tygue' . I could never stop going, and I didn't think anyone could understand that. Not even you. Does that make any sense?
A great deal of sense, Kate. But I have no right to take that away from you. No one does.
But can you live with- it?
Now that it's out in the open between us, I can. I respect what you're doing, Kate. My God, if something like that ever happened to me ' What an incredible thing to realize that someone cared enough to keep on visiting like that, for years and years and years.
She sighed. It's not as noble as you make it sound. Sometimes it's damn hard. Sometimes it's exhausting, and I hate it.
But you do it anyway, that's the point
Maybe it is. And I have to go on doing it, Nick.
I understand that. It was a sober moment between them, a moment of peace that sealed a pact of understanding. He took a sip of his tea, and then looked down at her again. What are you going to do, though, if someone does find out? If they unearth the past? I assume you've faced that possibility.
Yes and no. The only way I make myself get out there is to pretend it won't happen. If I really thought it might, I'd never leave the house again.
That might be very pleasant. They exchanged the first real smile in an hour. I'm being serious though.
I don't know, love. She sighed deeply and lay back on the rug. I don't know what I'd do, really. Run, panic, I don't know. Maybe it won't matter as much now that you know. Of course there's still Tygue. She sighed and then remembered something as she looked across at Nick. Remember that party you took me to in L.A., after I was on Jasper's show?
He nodded. That guy who said something that upset you? He knew? Jesus. No wonder she had freaked.
Not really. He just picked up on my name. Harper. And told me all about a football player named joe or Jim or someone,' who'd gone crazy, and, well ' he knew the story, more or less. He asked if I was related to him, as a big joke. And of course I panicked.
Poor baby. No wonder. Why the hell didn't you change your name after all that, though?
It didn't seem right, because of Tygue. Tygue was his son. He was meant to be Tygue Harper. Changing names seemed such a shoddy thing to do to Tom. Not that he'd have known. I don't know. I just always had such a feeling of loyalty about that.
What about Tygue now though? You can't keep this from him forever. And if someone tells him one day that his father almost killed two men and virtually destroyed himself instead, it'll screw up his whole life. You owe him the truth, Kate. Some kind of truth, at an age where he can begin to digest it. Will he ever see him?
Never. That would be impossible. Tom wouldn't understand, and it would break Tygue's heart. That's not a daddy. That's a strange helpless child in a broken man's body. He doesn't even look well anymore. Tygue would have to be a grown man to be able to withstand it. And why should he? He doesn't know him. It's better that way. And by the time Tygue is old enough to understand, by then She paused and there was a small sobbing sound. She looked up at Nick, but his face was grave and not tearful as he looked at her. What was that? She sat very still. And Nick cocked his head.
Nothing. Why?
I heard ' oh God ' And then she realized. They had both forgotten the car pool bringing Tygue home. The clock behind Nick said five-fifteen. He had been home for half an hour. Long enough to ' and then without thinking, she wheeled around, and saw him standing there, silent, with tears pouring down his face. Tygue. They both moved toward him at the same time, and he darted away down the stairs, his sobs echoing as he shouted back at them, Leave me alone ' leave me alone.'
Chapter 29
Is he all right? Nick looked at her somberly as she came out of Tygue's room. It was six-thirty, and it had been a long hour. He had hidden from them in the garden, and had been soaked to the skin when they brought him inside, clutching an equally soaked Willie. Kate had put him in a hot tub while Nick made hot chocolate, and she had sat for a long time in his room. Nick had waited on the stairs.
I think he's okay. It's hard to tell. Anyway, he's asleep. She looked exhausted.
What did you tell him?
The truth. What choice did I have? He had heard most of it already, standing at the door. I don't think he meant to eavesdrop. He says he came upstairs to tell me he was home, and he heard us talking about Tom. She motioned to the open door of their bedroom, and Nick nodded, and followed her inside. They closed the door, and Kate sat down heavily on the bed as Nick handed her a cigarette. She looked more like she needed brandy and a hot bath. All they could think was Tygue.
I stirred up some fucking hornet's nest, pressing you about Tom. It was all he could think of as he waited on the stairs. But she shook her head through the small cloud of gray smoke.
Don't do that to yourself. Painful as it is, I think you've done us all good. I feel relieved. And Tygue will live through it. This way I can tell him the good stuff too. Tom Harper was a. beautiful human being. Tygue has a right to know that, and he can't unless he knows the rest. So now he'll know both. It's a fair trade. She hesitated for a moment and then spoke again, with a sigh. There have been times when I've wondered about the way I've played God. I kept a very important part of himself away from Tygue. I kept him from knowing who and what his father was, I thought that would be easier for him. She sat down slowly and looked very hard at Nick. But there were other reasons too. They couldn't have been bad reasons. Maybe they were. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to be totally free of all that. I didn't want him to be ' like Tom. Nick waited for her to go on, without saying a word. I didn't want him to fall in love with the image of Tom Harper, the glory of the albums and the clippings and the adulation. Tom loved all that stuff. What man wouldn't? I think maybe I was always a little bit afraid that Tygue might want it too, maybe even to prove something for Tom. To leave the Harper name clean.' God only knows what crazy ideas might have gone through his head ' I was afraid of all those possibilities. It was just a lot easier the way it was. And then, remembering Nick again, she smiled a tiny smile. But it wasn't right, Nick. It's right that he should know. One day I'll probably even have to tell him about my parents, I let him think the whole world around him had died, except me. But that's not the truth. I suppose everyone has a right to the truth. Nick had had a right to it too. For a moment, she felt as though she had betrayed them all, and she felt a wave of exhaustion sweep over her at the thought. Anyway, darling, things have a way of working out for the best. She held out a hand to Nick, but he didn't take it and he looked suddenly stricken again.
Does Tygue think so? Nick said it bitterly as he looked at her and then out at the Bay. He should have minded his own business.
He's confused. He doesn't know what the hell to think. The only thing he was positive about was that he wanted to see his dad. I told him he couldn't. She sighed again. And right now he hates me for it, but he'll get over it. He has you. She smiled at Nick's back, and then moved toward him and
put her arms around his waist
I'm not his father though, Kate.
That doesn't matter. You give him more than most fathers would emotionally and in every other way. And I don't know, Nick. This is our reality. Tom was who he was and he did what he did. For whatever reasons. Maybe it's just time we both faced the truth. It won't kill either of us. So stop looking like somebody died. He turned to face her and tried to smile, but it was not an overwhelming success. He felt as though the world had fallen in on him, and he didn't know what to do to make it up to them. By the way, aren't you working tonight? She looked at the clock in surprise.
I called in sick while you were in with Tygue.
I'm glad. She smiled up at him and stretched out on the bed. I'm so tired I could die.
I can't imagine why, Cinderella. He sat down and started to rub her feet and then her legs. I mean, after all, you only drove about three hundred miles today, came home and were forced to confront me with all the skeletons in your closet, after which, I was kind enough to tear the guts out of your son, forcing you to rescue the child from the pouring rain, bathe him, comfort him, and generally save the day. Why the hell are you tired? She was grinning at the description.
Do I get a national award for all that? It sounds exemplary.
Season Of Passion (1980) Page 27
