by Tara Brown
She perks up and stands. I pull on clean clothes of Star’s and we go downstairs to try to start our day.
We find only Jake in the kitchen, eating a bar. He smiles at me. “You look pretty.”
I laugh and nod. “You seen Bernie?”
His eyes darken. “He’s still in bed.” I realize what that means and grimace. “Oh.”
He gives me a look. “Trust me, he didn’t have much choice on the matter. He tried to be a gentleman last night after you went to bed.”
I put a hand up. “I don’t need to know.”
He laughs. “Haven’t you ever heard that misery loves company?”
I smile. “I heard that before.”
Sarah smiles brightly. “Me too.”
He smirks. “It’s true.”
I nod toward Sarah. “You want to help me make some breakfast?”
He smiles. “What are we having?”
Chapter Four
Bernie puts gold tacks on the places he knows for sure have camps or towns. It dawns on me that I don’t know anything about the world we live in.
“I didn’t know there were so many.”
He looks up. “There are a lot of survivors, especially in the Midwest. The East Coast was completely destroyed in the tidal waves and hurricanes, but the winters were what got most of the people. The disease was worse there too, with the dense population and all.”
He places a red felt dot on the towns he knows have Lord’s Keepers. “Here and here are the worst I’ve heard of. This place has some but it’s a mix of traders and Keepers.”
I look down. “I’ve seen them lots, always trying to get kids to come with them. I figured they were either perverts or just trying to help the children with no parents.”
He nods. “I’m sure it’s a special mixture.”
I snort and cross my arms. “How will we get to them all?”
Will nods. “Same as we did with the breeder farms.”
I give him a look. “You haven’t been to the towns much, have you?”
He furrows his dark brow. “Not a ton, why?”
I shrug. “There aren’t a lot of medical types who don’t know how to shoot a gun properly. Those people are survivors. They’re more like me and you.”
His stare gets cold. “Then we should fit in famously.”
Bernie looks like he’s thinking. “The thing you’re forgetting though is that the townspeople want you to succeed. There’s talk of you and the rebellion.”
I frown. “The flashy crow isn’t going to get us anywhere with those people. Yeah, the ones who had family at the farms sure, but we’d have to free the work farms before any of them would really care. Women aren’t as important as men, not any more.”
Bernie laughs. “Not since we went back to constantly barbecuing in a cave.”
I frown again but Will laughs. Anna gives me a confused look as she leaves the room. Star points at a spot in the middle. “There is a work camp right near there. I bet the majority of that town has family in the camps.”
Bernie nods, still chuckling. “Right, we went there once. I remember that. When do we leave?”
I looked around. “We… is a bad move. We includes Sarah, Anna who can't talk, and Jake who is Jake. Bernie, no offense, but you aren’t exactly badass either.”
He puts a hand in the air. “I’m good with staying. I don’t care what happens out there, never have.”
Star nods. “So me, you, and Will?”
I nod. “And Andy. We need to find him some people to take care of him. We could work that woman-slaver angle if we have to. I’ve seen that.” I wish I hadn’t.
Jake shakes his head. “I’m coming. Leo still isn’t a hundred percent; he’s staying and Anna is never going to let you leave her here.”
Anna walks back in with a drink. I don’t meet her gaze. “I’m sure Bernie can take that.”
Bernie gives me a confused look. “You think so?”
I nod. “You underestimate the effect love has on people.”
He shakes his head. “I think you underestimate my role in our love.” I laugh but Anna grabs my arm, ignoring when I wince from the wound on it.
I shake my head and just say what I'm thinking. “You can’t come. Just stop being crazy and think. This house is our best bet at survival in the winter. When it comes, we won't have the cabin. Think about your last winter? Think about the fact that you and Jake hid outside my cabin, stealing water and nearly dying. It was spring then. And Bernie can’t keep this place safe, now that people know where it is. We don’t know if any of Marshall’s people made it out of here. We need Sarah, Bernie, and Leo to stay safe. Leo is hurt. He can’t come with me. We need this house to stay safe. You’re the only one.”
Her eyes burn. She whispers, “Damn you.”
I nod. “I know if anyone can keep Leo and Sarah safe, it’s you.”
She makes her wheeze and storms from the room.
Bernie gives me a look. “Wow, you came up with that faster than I would have.”
I nod. “It’s true, and it’s the only way she’s gonna stay. I could see you weren’t going to say anything anyway.”
His eyes soften. “Thank you.” He knows we’re going to die more than likely and doesn’t want her to come. We’re always more than likely going to die. The fact that only Meg is gone is some kind of miracle.
Will gives me a look. “When do you want to leave?”
“Now.”
Star looks annoyed. “Really?”
I nod. “I want this over. I want to be back before the people from the camp have time to get here, if any did get away.”
Jake watches me from the corner. “I’m coming.” He turns and leaves. I look at Will who clenches his jaw. “He’s not going to back down.”
I shrug. “I’ll break his legs. He’ll stay.”
I storm after him. He looks back at me and grins, taking off running. I can still see the way he favors his leg that was hurt.
I chase him up the stairs. “You aren’t coming.”
He gives me a smirk. “You going to stop me?”
I nod. “I am.”
“You aren’t the boss, flashy crow. You may have everyone else convinced you’re the boss, but I don’t buy it. I watched you for months. You were lonely. You were scared. I saw it. You read those books in the window of that cabin and your face softened, in a way I only see when you’re with me.” He points. “You can deny it all you want, but I know you better than anyone. I know you better than you know yourself.” He closes the door, leaving me standing in the hallway with my heart beating a mile a minute.
I never thought about the fact that he watched me.
I turn and walk into our room. Sarah is napping with Andy on the bed. I lie down beside her, stroking her soft, blonde hair. She opens her eyes slowly. “Mom?” She sees me and blushes. “Hey, Em.”
I smile. “Missing your mom?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
I smile wider. “It's okay if you are. I miss my family all the time."
She shakes her head. "Just missing Meg. The rest of my family is here."
I don’t want to say it, but I need to be honest with her. "I have to go, kid. I gotta stop those people hurting the kids for Meg. Then I have to deal with my dad.”
Her happy look is gone. “Take me with you. Don’t leave me alone.”
I grab her and hold her tight. “Anna is going to stay, and Leo and Bernie. If I could get Jake to stay, I would, but he’s being an ass.”
She shakes and snuggles into me more. “Don’t leave, Em. We’re safe here.”
I nod. “But those people who were going to hurt me, they’re hurting the little kids all the time now. We have to go save those kids. Remember, Meg wanted them all dead.”
She looks at me with her glossy, blue eyes. “Okay. Meg wanted them kids saved. She said that God loves all kids, no matter how they came to be here. She said them men was the devil and not servants of God at all."
I smiled. "No one knew God like Meg did."
Sarah's eyes glance around the room. "Uh, Em, just don’t bring them here.” She glances at Andy. “One bratty kid is enough.”
I laugh softly. “I’m taking that one with me.”
She shakes her head. “He isn’t so bad with Mary not being here to coddle him over everything. He wasn’t even hers.”
I don’t understand. “What?”
She nods. “When Marshall got to the cabin, he kept saying that she was lucky he found that brat for her, and she should be grateful he spared the soul of her baby.”
I wince. “Oh God.”
She nods, and I wonder if she understands it all. I look at Andy. “So he isn’t like me?”
She shakes her head. “No. Meg said that’s why they let him live, like us. They was going to let us live too, ‘cause we’re normal.” Her words burn me. She doesn’t know it, but they do. I don’t say anything. I kiss her forehead and take a deep breath of her before I get up. “You help Anna with that kid then. If you want him to stay, you gotta do the work.”
She smiles. “I don’t like him that much, but I don’t hate him. Not the way I hated Mary. Meg said all he needed was a spanking.”
I laughed. “Well, don’t go overboard on those either. Beating someone rarely changes who they are, and only really makes you feel better for a short amount of time.” I learned that in a book of my dad’s. It was about parenting, single parenting.
I wave. “I’ll see you when I get back. Stay in the house with them, don’t stray, and take Leo with you everywhere.”
She nods. “Be safe."
I grin and leave the room. I hunt the house for Leo. I find him camped out. It’s his way of healing. He always hides under something. Old wolf instincts.
I crawl under the huge coffee table and curl into him. The smell of his fur makes my heart ache. I stroke him. He makes his wolf sound and licks my hand. I grab his huge face and make him look into my eyes.“You keep them safe. You stay safe. No coming after me, no matter what. I’ll come for you, I swear it. Even if I have to drag myself here from wherever I am, I’ll make it back, but you stay. You hear me?”
His eyes study my face. He licks my cheek. I lean into his face. “I love you too.”
“Keep Anna and Sarah safe the most. If Bernie or Andy have to be risked to save them, I want you to do it.”
I don’t know if he understands me, but I know how his loyalty works. And how he feels about Andy. Damned kid.
I crawl back out and kiss him. I point. “You stay with Anna and Sarah.”
He yawns. He knows he’s sick. His wound hadn’t gotten infected yet, but it’s still sore.
I leave the house and walk to the garage. Bernie is passing Will bags that look like the military compound bags.
“How did you get all this shit?”
He grins at me. “I may or may not have stolen it.”
Anna glares at me from the house. Jake nudges me as he walks out, eating moose jerky. “You think she’s mad now—wait till she finds out Andy is staying.”
I glare at him.
He smiles wide. “You better be nice to me, or I’ll tell her.”
I shove him. Will scowls. “Stop screwing around and load the van.” He nods at the back. “Put some gas in, Jake. Be useful for once.”
Jake flips him the bird but gets the gas jugs.
I shake my head.
We finish loading and climb into the van. Anna doesn’t budge. Bernie gives me a hug.
Star gives me a devious smile. “I see we’re missing a passenger.”
I nod. “Sarah wants him to stay.”
She frowns. “Well, at least we don’t have to listen to him.”
Bernie looks confused. “You aren’t leaving that kid here?”
I nod. “We are.” I close the door, shouting at him, “Take care of my family, Bernie.”
He nods at me through the window. We drive away and I see the desperate anger on Anna’s face. I hate it. Sarah waves through the upstairs window. I scramble over Jake and Will, not thinking, and climb over Will’s body to hang mine out the window, waving my arm. Her face lights up.
“Em, I’m not complaining, but I can’t see.”
I climb off him and sit back against the metal wall. Star gives me a funny look. “Sometimes you do the weirdest things. Like caring for that kid. What do you care if she sees you waving?”
I frown. “I don’t want her last memory of me to be that she waved and I didn’t wave back. I know how that feels.”
I look down at my boots. I’m tired in a way I’ve never been. It’s like it’s in my soul. My body can heal from anything, but I’m seeing that my heart can’t. Meg’s death is a sore that won’t heal over, not properly, and Leo being hurt and not with me is an awful feeling. My mind is playing horrid tricks on me, suggesting things like that Leo could get an infection and die thinking I abandoned him in a house with other people.
I wrap my arms around myself and try not to think about any of it. Marshall is dead, and maybe he did kill Meg, but she killed him right back. She saved all of us. She saved me. I think Leo is the thing that saved the good parts in me, the parts that Granny made, and I think his death would have killed those parts off. Then I would be a shell of a human, like Will. That makes me shudder.
“You cold?”
I glance up at Star and shake my head.
She gives me a faint smile. “You know, you aren’t what I expected you to be.”
I nod. “Same goes for you. I thought you were weak, giggly, and annoying.”
Her eyebrow lifts. “So what you’re saying is that you don’t feel like I’m like that?”
I nod. “I think you’re more than that.”
She looks wounded. “But you’re not saying that I’m not like that.”
I laugh. “No. You turn it on too well to not have at least a little of that in you.”
She smiles. “A girl’s gotta do… ya know?”
I shake my head. I don’t know. She must have read it in a book somewhere. It sounds like one of those lines.
Jake climbs into the back with us and sits on the floor of the van next to me.
"We could have just stayed at the house, Em. We could say fuck it, let your dad ruin the world, and let the religious psychos kill those bratty kids. We could stay at the house and make it work.
I sigh. "Until when? Until they come and kill us, or take Sarah and put her in a breeder farm, or those kids take over the world, or the religious nuts come for me again?"
He shrugs. "We coulda stayed."
I lean my head back and close my eyes. "I need to stop my dad."
Jake grunts and stretches his long legs out, balling a jacket on the floor. He lays down on it, turning his back to me. The feeling of him next to me is like Leo being there. My boot is touching his leg, like I always do with Leo. If I sleep without him, I turn sideways in the night, searching the bed for him in my sleep.
The ride makes me sleepy. I close my eyes, exhausted and worn out.
I wake to screaming, jolted and disjointed. It's my own.
Star gives me a confused look. “You okay? You just started screaming.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.” I climb over Jake’s massive body and slip into the front seat. I pull my knees into my chest and look out the window.
“Unroll it.”
I look at Will. He smiles at me. “Unroll the window.”
A faint trickle of a grin crosses my lips. I press the button I vaguely recall and lower the window. Instantly, warm wind bursts in. I hang my hand out, feeling like a kid again. Star laughs at something Jake says. I glance back at the tired look on his face as he rubs his eyes and mumbles, “If we had music, I could almost believe the world didn’t end. Feels like summer out there.”
I smile when he reaches up between the seats and fumbles with the stereo. A shiny disk comes sliding out. I don’t even recall them, except maybe as movie disks.
He nods. “Ohhhh yea
h.” He pushes it back into the slot and presses buttons.
Will gives him a look. “What are you doing?”
He gives a cheesy grin as a song starts. It sounds crazy; my ears hurt instantly. A girl starts singing.
Jake starts dancing. Star gives him a weird look but then her eyes light up as the chorus starts. “BIG IN JAPAN! AHHHHH!” she screams and starts knee dancing with him. I’m partially horrified but fascinated too. They look crazy, but it looks too fun.
Will sings along, like he heard it yesterday. He gives me a look. “What, I loved Dragonette.”
I see it for a second, the glimpse of the person he might have been once. He dances in the seat and turns up the music. I’m uncomfortable with them dancing and singing, like I should too but I don’t want to. I lean my upper body out the window, and I see how it could have been. With my eyes closed it’s so easy. We’re young and fun, and the wind is warm. The beat starts to find its way into my body too. The wind on my face and the hot smell of summer makes everything romantic; it lasts almost as long as the song, but a terrible pain mixes with a sound from the real world. The real one I live in is brought back as I pull myself in and notice the crimson trickle on my forearm. I’m about to say something to Will when he slams on the brakes. I am thrown forward, but his hand is across my chest, holding me back. I grunt as the van stops.
Men are on the road in front of us with guns. They’re atop horses.
“Is it the others?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Far worse. Don’t fight. I’ll see if I can negotiate with them.”
I start to shake my head. “Will…”
He takes my hand. “I won't let them hurt you.”
Star and Jake are both rubbing sore spots as a man walks up to my door. He points his rifle at my open window. “Get out.” He’s close to Will’s age. He looks disheveled but not dirty or hungry. He has shaggy, blonde hair and a steely look in his eyes. He’s a hardened man.
I swallow, opening the door slowly.
“Don’t,” Will mutters, as I’m about to hit the man with the door. I take a deep breath and let him grab me by the bloody spot on my arm.
He gives me a charming grin. “Sorry, I was aiming for the tires.” He is handsome with straight, white teeth. He winks at me. I want to claw his eyes out. Instead, I let him drag me back, placing the barrel against my head. “Get out or I won't accidentally miss again.” Will meets my eyes with desperation. “It’s okay.”
