by Tara Brown
I pull off my pants, shirt, and boots, crawling into the bed in my underwear and tank top. He pulls back the covers. "I was getting hurt feelings."
I laugh as quietly as I can. "I just don’t think it's hit me that you're here. I don’t trust it. Everything else is wrecked—why do I get to be the one who gets lucky and finds the man she loves?"
He leans on his arm in the moonlight and grins a shitty smile at me. "I knew you loved me." He reaches out, taking my hand in his. I close my eyes and remember how it felt in the lab room. In the dark I would swear it was him, but now in the dark of this room, I can feel the calluses from picking at a guitar. The hand in the room didn’t have that. He pulls me into his arms, whispering into my cheek, "Emma, you and me deserve all the luck we can get. If it's one day’s worth, or it's two years’ worth, or it's a whole lifetime, we deserve it. After everything we've been through, we deserve every second." He kisses against the edge of my lips. "I love you with my whole heart, and I'll never lie to you again."
I nod into his face, pushing into the kiss and let him pull me under his body.
When I wake up in the morning, he's gone, but Leo is crashed on the bed with me. He lifts his face, making his wolf smile and yawns.
I rub his fur and decide we need to stay in this room a little longer. Bad things rarely happen when I'm in bed; it's mostly when I get up and start the day.
I give Leo a deep rub down. He rolls onto his back so I get the parts he loves the most. His belly and armpits are his favorite. I scratch and he starts to make his wolf purring noise. Sarah comes in with a plate of food and crawls into the bed with us. I steal some of the pancake on her plate. It's slathered in apple butter. She gives Leo a piece and smiles. "Can we just stay in one place, all of us?"
I nod. "I think so. Unless you have somewhere you need to be?" My Granny used to say that to my dad all the time. He always had somewhere else to be. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be with me; it was that he wanted to be ready.
Sarah takes another bite of pancake. It was the one thing she had to take from Bernie's, the pancake mix. I'm glad now she did.
"Will made them."
I smile. "You glad he's back?"
She nods. "Yeah. I just hope Bernie can find his way too."
I frown. "Honey, Bernie is gone. I watched him die."
She shakes her little head, "Emma, you were wrong about Will; you're probably wrong about Bernie too."
The pancake tastes funny to me and hard to swallow. I get it down and nod. "Yeah, I hope so."
Jake comes in and flops onto the bed too. He smirks. "How ya doing?"
I give Sarah a smile. "Can you get me some water?"
She jumps up, taking Leo with her. I give Jake a look. "I'm waiting for something terrible to happen. It feels like we should be on the move and killing or fighting. I just don’t trust any of this."
He gives me a grim look. "I feel the same, like something bad is coming."
I shrug and lay back down, letting him lie across my legs. "Guess we wait and see, huh?"
He slaps my leg. "Actually, something maybe not awesome has come."
I give him a look. "Huh?"
His grin splits into the goofy one I love. "The cooking circle ladies are here. They just arrived from Marshall's camp. They brought food and seeds, and hands to help us get this place functional for winter."
I smile back. "Really?" Something about the numbers increasing is making me happier. Older ladies who might be able to deliver a baby also make me happy.
He nods. "Yup. Will's out there chatting with them now. They brought all the seeds they’ve harvested, and because this place is between the retreat and the trade towns, they're going to use it as their winter base and summer farming area."
I sigh a type of relief I swear I have never felt before.
"I know. I almost sounded exactly the same when I saw them coming."
I point at him from my back. "You need to get the firewood piles going."
He laughs. "You and Will are soul mates, I swear it. I came in here to avoid the firewood."
I smack whatever is closest to me. "Go, slacker."
He grabs my hand and lifts me off the bed, dragging me down the hallway. Anna walks past me, looking green again. She points at the bed. "Sleepy."
Jake and I nod. She has been like that for a month.
I see Will in the yard from the kitchen window. He smiles at me but keeps talking to the ladies. "If we have that many more people, we need to start getting ready. This house only holds so many. We need guards in the trees and to start getting the field ready to prepare for a spring plant. It's gonna need to be tilled so we can use it in the spring. I think we can get a lot accomplished in the two months before the snow hits."
The circle ladies smile at me, waving. "Emma!"
I wave back. "Hi!"
"So this is your place?" The lady with the red tongue on her tee shirt asks. I shake my head. "It's everyone's."
She smirks. "Same old Emma. How's Marshall?" Her eyes gleam.
I cock an eyebrow. "Dead."
She slaps me on the back when I get closer. "That’s my girl. I always knew you had it in you. That man was a bastard." I look past them to see the Jake dog running for me. I drop to my knees and he jumps me, slathering me in wet dog kisses.
"Jake dog!"
Jake shoves me. "Shut up."
I rub his face and kiss the top of his shiny head. "Look how chunky you are getting."
The ladies chuckle. "Oh, he never strays too far from the cook pot."
I snort and rub his furry, fat tummy. "I can see that." I glance at Will. "What do you need me to do?"
He doesn’t skip a beat, like he's been planning it. "Make arrows and teach a few guys how to make bows and arrows. We'll need them. The ammo is running low. They need to know how to make them and shoot them."
I nod. "Okay." When I stand up, he passes me a hatchet and brushes his lips against mine. It's like we steal a second and the world stops for us. I blush, thinking about the night before, when we break our kiss. I look down and head across the field to the group of men. The snickers of the ladies and Jake make the blush worse, but the fearful look in the eyes of the group of men makes me feel better.
"Who wants to learn how to use a bow and arrow?" I almost dare them with my tone.
They look scared for a second but then nods start coming my way.
I point at the willow tree next to the river on the far side of the field. "We go this way then."
Chapter Eleven
It's my turn in the north tree. Leo is camped at the base of the tree, sleeping. My butt is asleep from sitting for hours, but it makes me feel like, in my small way, it's not easy.
I don’t want us to ever take anything for granted again. We need things to not be easy. It made us lazy targets once; we can't ever let that go.
Leo stretches and rolls on his other side. I notice that now that the weather is getting colder, he can't lay for very long on the side where the bullet went in.
The crisp of the air is refreshing after the long and smothering heat of the summer. The smell of the fire from the barn where they're fitting shoes on the horses makes me anxious for winter. Winter in this world is peace. The calm of the snow is the only time I ever really relax. No one can travel in the cold anymore, not that they ever really did. Winter has always been quiet. We work like the ants to make the winter relaxing. Then we hibernate. Me and Leo have never shared a winter with anyone, but somehow I don’t think I can remember how it feels to not have them all there. To not belong. I see myself as part of them, no longer on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because they're in my territory now. This was my house and I invited them in.
The log houses are built to get us by for the winter. They'll be improved upon in the spring, but seeing the little village we have built makes me happy. A crunch in the dry leaves below breaks my daydream. My tree moves as Jake climbs up into it with me. He sits on the branch next to me, giving me a f
unny look.
"What?"
He shakes his head. "Nan asked me to come and tell you it's time to get ready to go to Bern… Star's."
We try not to say his name too much. It makes Anna crabby, even when she's busy pretending she wants to talk about him. I nod. "Okay. So it’s me and you then, huh?"
He sighs. "I guess so. Will is staying. His cough is worse, I swear."
I look out at the woods and the sleeping wolf. "At night when he's sleeping, I swear I can hear something in there. Like he's not fixed. He's struggling for air and his chest sounds like it's crushing him. He can't do much, physically."
His blue eyes meet mine. "Nan said that it might be smart to get some antibiotics."
I flinch. "We took away the power. I don’t think they can make it without the power. The lady at the town who sold it to me for you, she said she got it from the farms, from her son.
He nods. "Then we do our best to make sure he stays strong."
I sling my bow over my shoulder and start down the tree. "We need to make sure he understands that too. The colder it's getting, the worse he's getting."
Leo stands and stretches when I get to the bottom. He nudges against me as I look around once more. His perky ears and happy wolf face are exactly how I like to see him. That and the song of the forest make me relax as Jake gets out of the tree. When we leave the woods and start up the field to the house, I nudge Jake. "The book you found on old, horse-drawn carts was a good score."
He smiles. "It worked well. Those horses of Sully's are making plowing the field so much easier."
I smile up at him. "I'm proud of you."
He beams. "Awww shucks, Sis. You’re making me blush." But he doesn't blush, I do. It’s the first time he's said Sis to me. It’s the first time we openly admit there is nothing in us but family love. I look down and walk, but he hits me in the arm lightly. "Yeah, I said Sis. You and Will are the same kind of crazy. Besides, some of the girls who came down from the retreat last month are hot."
I shake my head, fighting my smile. "You should go for that girl Andrea. She's good at this life. She hunts and fishes, cooks, sews, and knows first aid."
He snorts. "You had me at hunts. I still can't gut things. It makes me sick."
Rod, one of the guys from the retreat who is friends with Will, passes us on the field. He carries a bow and quiver. He winks at me. I smile. "Have a good night."
He puts a hand up and walks past us.
I give Jake a frown. "If you don’t want to gut, I can show you how to get the meat without gutting them. Jack showed me how."
He nods and holds the door for me when we get to the house. "Sounds good."
I hear the cough from across the house. I walk down the hall to the back room we have claimed as ours. Will is changing his shirt. I can see the sweat on the one he pulls off.
He smiles when he sees me, but I don’t smile at him. His scar is fading on his chest. I reach out, touching a fingertip to the line on his chest.
"How was watch?"
I nod. "Boring." He pulls me into his sweaty body. It's cool sweat, not fever like Jake had. I put my hands on his chest, "You have to slow down, Will. You're healing and your lung is still weak." I know how serious my gaze gets; I can feel it. He tries to smile, but I put my finger on the tip of his nose like Granny always did. "You listening to me? You have to slow down. I can't do that again. You can't leave me."
He flashes me the smile that melts everything. "Never again." He kisses my lips softly. "But for the record, I took a bullet to save you."
I shake my head against the stubble on his face. "I would have lived. Next time you let them shoot me. I can live through anything." I don’t say the thing I can't live without. I don’t want to talk about it.
He wraps his arms around me. "You going to see Sully and Star?" I nod. He kisses again, murmuring into my cheek, "You could stay and someone else could go."
I smile. "I can't let Jake go without me."
His smile tightens. "Jake could stay. I don’t want him out there anyway."
I laugh. "He's amazing on the horses. Him and Anna both are great with the horses. I have to go. Can you just rest… for me?"
He nods, tilting my chin up. "I love you."
"I love you too."
He kisses the tip of my nose and steps back. "I'm going to tell Nan that you'll be resting until I get back tomorrow."
He rolls his eyes. "Don’t get Nan involved. That woman is a savage."
I step back again. "That’s the point." I wave. "Leo is going to want to come. He's still not letting me out of his sight, so you have the bed to yourself."
He gives me a sad face; it makes me laugh.
"Behave yourself."
I head down the hall. Jake is laughing, leaning on the counter with Andrea and Kim. He's batting those massive black lashes and chewing a piece of dried meat. Kim blushes and shakes her head.
I walk past him. "You ready?"
He jumps up, "Let's do this. Ladies, it was lovely seeing you all, but I gotta go wrangle some horses. So, we can continue this conversation when I get back."
I shake my head at the giggles in the kitchen. His charming antics are impossible to resist. I've been on the receiving end of that smile. I'm just grateful he stopped giving it to me.
Nan nods at me from the cook pit. She points at Jake. "Behave."
He walks with a serious amount of swagger. "Yes, ma'am."
Anna smiles at me from the meat racks. Her nausea ended a few weeks ago, making her able to work with food again, and able to eat things other than just fruit.
"See you tomorrow."
She nods.
Jake points at her. "Make Will relax. He's sounding rough."
She nods again. We walk to the animal barn that was built from the pen the farm already had. Two horses are already saddled. I grin back at Anna. "Thanks."
She waves.
"She looks better."
Jake grunts. He still hasn’t come to terms with the baby or the fact Anna had sex; Will is worse.
I get onto the horse and sigh. "My butt's sore and we haven’t even started."
He chuckles. "We'll ride fast, I swear." He hops on and steers his horse to the gate. One of the girls with a sweet smile and an eye on Jake gets the gate. He winks at her as he rides out. I nearly roll my eyes but they're getting sore from it.
We take off across the field. Leo stays with us the whole ride down the hill to the roadway. I have my handguns holstered on my legs, and my bow and quiver slung over my back. Jake has the sack of water and food in his saddlebags. Sully and Star took hunting parties up into the woods to the spot the cabins had been, where Sully lived before. They raided everything from there, horses, saddlebags, supplies—everything.
The five-hour horse ride is considerably better than walking the whole thing.
Jake and I have done the ride twice. Will can't ride a horse for very long; his chest hurts so Jake and I have to be the ones to do it. We know the way and Star's people know us.
When we cross the planes where we were once taken captive by Fish and Sully, I can't help but feel like it was a hundred years ago. I don’t know what changed me more, Will and Bernie dying, walking away from my father, or destroying everything they made. The combination is brutal, and I hardly recognize myself.
We see a herd of animals that look like elk. I point at them as we ride. Jake shakes his head. "We don’t have time."
I pull an arrow, squeezing my horse between my thighs tighter, and try to pull the arrow back. The horse galloping and the moving animal make it impossible. I don’t know how the American Indians did it.
I put the arrow away and catch back up to Jake. My riding is still sloppy and I end up with sores. He rides like he was born to—him, Star and Anna.
We get to the crater that Star showed us before. Jake stops the horse to look. He always does when we reach the crater. I think he will always miss the world the way it was before. He rubs his hand down the horse’s
face and gives it a nudge. The horse starts again.
When we get to Star's, the guards wave us in.
The mansion and grounds have become a small town. I jump down off the horse and lead it to the barn. A lady comes out and grabs the reigns. "Hey, Emma!"
I smile. I don’t know her name, but I know she was in the breeder farms.
Andy comes running up waving his chubby hands at me. "Where's Sarah?"
I wince. "Hey buddy, she's still at the farm. She's helping Anna with racking meat."
He hugs my leg. Jake saves me by pointing out the animals in the pens. "What's that, Andy?" Andy giggles and takes his hand to show him something called a cheep.
Star comes up with a grin and muscles like I'm sure I've never seen on a girl. I point. "What is that?"
She laughs. "Been learning to be a smithy." She wraps her arms around me, hugging me fiercely. She pulls back. "How's the farmhouse?"
She means how's Will, but she won't ask. I appreciate that. I nod. "Good. Everyone is good." I point behind me. "I'm going to say hi to Meg."
She winks. "Say hi to Bernie while you're there. It's his bush too."
I turn and walk toward the massive rose bush.
A man walks up to me, meeting me along the way. "Emma!"
I smile when I see him. "Mitch!"
He wraps his arms around me, smelling my hair and shaking his head. "I heard about Will and Bernie. I'm so sorry."
I pull back. "Will's okay."
His face drops. "He's alive?"
I nod.
He sighs. "Oh, thank God. I heard he was killed. I nearly died myself."
"He's at the farmhouse I used to hide at. We built a wheat farm there. Got a lot of the retreat people there for the winters."
His smile is still sweet. He nudges me. "You're taking me with you when you go."
I shake my head. "No way. You gotta stay here and help out."
He rolls his eyes. "It's already bigger than it needs to be. Star is figuring out how to make bullets now. She'll have a factory in no time." He stares at her for a second, like he's getting lost in thought and repressed emotions. When he snaps out of it, he shakes his head. "No, I need to leave here."
