by J. H. Croix
“I need to talk to you about us,” I said so quickly the words blended together. “If there is an us.”
Wishing he would take the sunglasses off so I could see his reaction, I cursed myself for not talking to him about this before we left or once we got where we were going.
“There’s an us,” he said quietly. “What do you need to say about us?”
“I-I need to know what we mean to you. Emery and me. The thing is, I can’t date casually, not with Emery involved. If I’m going to keep things going, I need to know if you’re going to be part of my life with Emery. She has feelings, too, and I can’t risk hurting her again.”
I would protect her with my life. Putting her at risk of getting hurt by another man walking away wasn’t something I could do.
Chapter Seven
Evan
Sadie’s spine was ramrod straight, her free hand clenching her thigh as she talked. “I mean that maybe we need to keep things on ‘friend’ terms. It’s safer that way for all of us.”
What the…? When she said she wanted to talk about us, this wasn’t the direction I saw the conversation going. Taken aback by how blunt she was being about how she felt, I could only listen.
Until she said we should keep things in the friend zone. That wasn’t going to work for me. Not even for a second. Unfreezing, I laced the fingers of my hand through hers on the gear lever. “Just friends?”
She nodded her head, shrugging. “I can’t afford to have a man come into my and Emery’s lives as something more than a friend and walk out if it doesn’t work out. Her heart… it’s too big. She loves too quickly. It would shatter her if…”
I squeezed her hand. She didn’t need to finish her sentence for me to know what she wanted to say. Emery was her world. I got that. She was only six years old.
If there was a man around her mom and her home all the time, doing things with them like having dinner and watching movies and sleeping in her mom’s bed, she was bound to get confused.
Fuck, I was confused about it, and I had twenty-four years on Emery. As confused as I was about my feelings for Sadie, I knew I wanted more with her than “just friends.”
Even though I’d teased my brothers who got serious and had thought I was committed to staying casual, Sadie meant more to me than that. I didn’t want to lose her.
As a friend, I could still be in her life, but I didn’t want to be in her life that way. She was already more to me, and I wasn’t sure I could go back. I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to be her friend, not in the way she wanted.
I wasn’t willing to try her way. I didn’t want to downshift the gears with her. I knew what it felt like to be inside her, to kiss her lips, and to feel her flying apart underneath me. I knew what she looked like when she was in the throes of ecstasy and what it felt like to wake up with my limbs entwined with hers.
None of those things were synonymous with friendship, and I wasn’t willing to sacrifice any of them with her. This was uncharted territory for me, the relationship stuff. I had been pretty dedicated to the single life.
But I had to try. It was either that, or I was going to lose her right here in my truck. My reaction was visceral. That was never going to be enough.
Since she was being blunt, straightforward, and honest, I decided to do the same. Slipping my sunglasses off so she could see the honesty in my eyes when they met hers, I flipped my hand around so our palms were touching.
“I understand what you’re worried about,” I said. “I realize things are different because you have Emery. You need to know I would never lead you on. I also get that we need to be sensitive about what all this means for Emery. I would never want to be a cause of confusion or heartache for her.”
“You’re fine with all that?” Sadie chewed on the side of her lip, eyebrows raised. “It’s a big commitment to make, Evan. Even though I’m not asking you for promises or anything, I know it’s a big deal. If you want to take time to think about it, I can give you that.”
She started to withdraw her hand from mine, but I tightened my grip. “I don’t need time. I’ve had time to think about it. You’ve been honest with me about Emery from the beginning. I knew she was going to be a big part of every decision you make about us. I saw it with Jeremy, and I know what a giant role kids play in their mom’s lives.”
“And you’re sure you’re fine with that?” It didn’t look or sound like she believed me.
I grinned. “Don’t be so shocked. I might look like a lumbering fool, but I understand feelings and worry.”
Sadie’s shoulders relaxed, and she smirked. “A lumbering fool?”
I shrugged. “It was the best I could come up with. Look, we’re getting to know each other, right? I know that means getting to know Emery, too, and I know I can’t fuck either of you around, but I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“Yeah,” she breathed, leaning over to press a swift kiss to my shoulder. “You are.”
“Exactly.” We rounded a corner, and suddenly the beach was right in front of us. It was like we’d broken into another world. We’d left the rolling pastures and the mountains behind to find a bustling promenade.
There were people and cafés and surf shops everywhere. Ice cream vendors rolled their carts around on the sidewalk, and there was a spirited game of volleyball going on next to one of the cafés. Brightly colored awnings and signs outside the restaurants welcomed people in.
I found a parking spot not far from the promenade, and Sadie and I strolled down the wide sidewalk hand in hand. A small café right on the back beckoned me when we approached. It was a little ways from the action, and there were only a few people sitting on the patio.
Blue and white umbrellas were mounted above tables. The chalkboard outside claimed they made the best crab and scallops on the beach. “You hungry? We could have lunch over there?”
I jerked my head to the café. Sadie nodded. “Looks great.”
We were seated outside and ordered a tasting plate with all their special dishes along with a bottle of white wine. There was a slight breeze that lifted the tablecloth off my legs and blew Sadie’s hair a little wild, tendrils falling loose from her ponytail.
The breeze was enough to cool us off in the umbrella’s shade. When the wine was poured, crisp and cool as it started condensing on the outside of the glasses almost immediately, Sadie took a long sip. “This is delicious.”
I followed her lead, letting the smooth, oaked wine glide down my throat. “I’m definitely going to have to watch myself with it if I want to drive back.”
Sadie laughed, the tension from the car gone for a few minutes. I saw when something else she wanted to talk about slipped into her mind. Her expression grew serious again, and she leaned forward, turning her wineglass by its stem.
“There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. We didn’t get around to talking about it earlier in the week, and I know you weren’t too happy about it.”
“I figured.” There was still the issue of her volunteering to help us with Ken that I wanted to talk to her about. For a day that was supposed to be about fun and relaxing together, this was becoming deep and heavy. “You first.”
“It’s about my offer to snoop at the firm.” My jaw loosened in surprise. She beat me to it. “I saw you weren’t super excited about it when I told Sonny I would help.”
“I’m not.” Thinking back to my conversation with Sonny earlier in the week, I decided to be vague about it. I still hadn’t figured out a way to be involved with her protection if she did it, and I couldn’t risk her without having that in place. “You know, you could use your phone to take some pictures of whatever’s lying around next time you’re there. It’s not a big deal.”
She arched a brow disbelievingly, shaking her head. “Bullshit.”
“What?”
Sitting back in her chair, she sipped her wine and looked me in the eyes above the rim of her wineglass. “It is a big deal. The guy’s a scumbag and a crook. Y
our brother and the police have hit a brick wall with their investigation because they can’t get in. I can.”
“But you don’t have to. I mean, you have to be in there to do your job, but you don’t need to snoop. It’s dangerous.”
A storm started brewing in her eyes. As if it took great effort to do it calmly, she set her wineglass down and crossed her arms. “I’ve been through a lot in my life. You don’t have to shield me from bad stuff. It’s way too late for that. I’m stronger and more resilient than you think, Evan. This is nothing compared to everything I’ve lived through. It’ll be helping the police, for God’s sake. That’s a huge safety net to have, not that I’ve ever needed one before.”
Having been properly put in my place by the woman in front of me, I lifted my shoulders and lowered my chin. “I know you’re strong. Don’t get me wrong. But what do you want me to do here? I’m worried about you. This isn’t your fight. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but—”
“Let me stop you right there because maybe if you know what I’ve been through, you’ll realize I’m more than capable of doing this. I don’t need anyone worrying about me.” The storm kept brewing in her, her voice becoming stronger and clearer as she spoke.
I softened my own. “What have you been through, Sadie? If you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay. But I would like to know and not because I need you to prove to me somehow that you can help. I know you can. I would like to know for me.”
A faraway look entered her eyes as she nodded. When her gaze met mine, she gave me a direct answer. “Emery’s father was a one-night stand. I was barely twenty-one when I got pregnant with her, and he wanted nothing to do with me. Without any family, I went through the pregnancy by myself. I’ve raised her completely and totally on my own.”
She was breathing harder now, but she kept talking. “People talk about how strong single moms are, but they have no idea unless and until they’ve been there. What I’ve been through to keep a roof over her head and her belly full, you can’t even imagine.”
I didn’t say anything. She was on a roll now. “And that’s after I even made it to my twenties. My childhood was no picnic either. My father was a drunk who abused me both emotionally and physically. I was five the first time I remember him hitting me, a little younger than Emery is now. I think he did it because I spilled some juice on the floor.”
A ball of anger formed in my stomach even as my heart reached out to hers. Sadie sat up straighter, her shoulders opening as if talking about this was giving her strength. “My mom was never in the picture. I dealt with him all by myself. The mood swings and his drunken messes. I survived it.”
“Where is he now?” I asked quietly. The protectiveness in my chest grew more intense with every word she said until it felt like I was about to explode from it. I could barely contain the way it roared and insisted we go back in time and protect her from the son of a bitch.
Sadie shrugged, but there was darkness in her eyes. “When I was a teenager, I witnessed him fall off the roof. He died right in front of me. I called 911, but by the time they arrived, he was already gone. He was drunk at the time. He climbed on the roof to rip the TV antenna off. He was yelling at me because the house was dirty, but I’d cleaned it that morning, and it was spotless. I guess I must’ve accidentally looked at the television while I was trying to look anywhere but at him because that made him angry too. He saw me looking at the thing and started snarling about how I was lazy and all I did all day was sit on my fat ass in front of the screen. He decided if he made it so I couldn’t watch TV, the house would be clean.”
Shock radiated through every part of me. It skittered across my skin and made me feel numb as I absorbed the information. She was right. She had been through things I couldn’t even come close to imagining.
As fucked up as things had turned out with my father, my childhood was good. Our parents were loving. My mother adored us. After her death, things changed, but for everything he had done, my father never even came close to abusing any of us.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Sadie. No one should have to live through that,” I muttered. Watching her chest heave and her shoulders lift as she breathed deeply, I realized she was so much stronger than I ever could’ve known. She was a fucking warrior.
Chapter Eight
Sadie
Relief swept through me as I talked about my past. It was freeing to talk about it with Evan, and it felt right telling him everything that had happened to me. His focus stayed locked on me. Unlike so many other times when I talked about it, there was no pity in his eyes.
All I saw was acceptance, understanding, a lot of rage, and strangely, admiration. It felt good to own everything I’d survived, and it reaffirmed that I’d come out the other end as a true survivor.
I could’ve died by my father’s hand many times. Once, he hit me so hard, I fell over backward. I whacked my head against our mantle and woke up hours later.
I had gone to the school nurse the next day, and she patched me up and told me to take it easy while I healed. There was no taking it easy, though. If I tried, he would only come after me again.
Not that trying ever stopped him from coming after me. Another time, I broke my arm when I fell off a ladder he kicked out from under me. A couple of days later, I hadn’t cooked the dinner he asked for because I couldn’t chop with my arm in the cast. He gave me a firm backhand that night, too, as if he would’ve eaten even if I had cooked.
That was nothing compared to the mental and emotional abuse I endured daily. I didn’t dwell on those years like I knew so many others did. I couldn’t because sitting in a heap and feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t have helped me get on with my life.
After Emery’s birth, I knew I had to toughen up and be the mother she deserved. Any last notions of feeling sorry for myself because of my father were left behind in that hospital. I never forgot what he did. It was always there and influenced a lot of my decisions, but I wasn’t huddling in a corner expecting life owed me something because of my childhood.
Evan reached for my hand, his warm grip curling around it. He smiled when he lifted it to his mouth to dust a kiss across my knuckles. “I don’t even know how you talk about it, never mind how the hell you became the person you are now with a background like that.”
I shrugged. “I’ve never tried to hide it. I just don’t have many friends, so I don’t talk about it very often. Basically, I accept it. It happened, and there’s no changing that. I’ve never talked about it quite like that, though. Thanks for listening.”
“I’ll always listen to you,” he assured me, his gaze fierce and protective. I started to tell him I didn’t need him to protect me when our food arrived.
The aromas of garlic, lemon, onion, and fresh seafood distracted me. My mouth started watering as Evan dished up the first of the tasting plates for us. It’d been a long time since I’d been treated to something like this.
Actually, I’d never had a meal like this with my toes in the sand and a man like Evan across the table. I dug in, moaning as I took the first bite. Evan ate with gusto, as did I.
We talked between sampling the dishes but mostly about how amazing they were. When I was so full I couldn’t fit another thing, I sat back and hoped there would be space inside me for my stomach if I wasn’t leaning over.
Evan polished off the last plate and leaned back with a hearty sigh. “That was awesome.”
“The place wasn’t lying when they said they made the best of all those things,” I said.
He raised a shoulder and let it drop, a grin spreading on his lips. “We’ll never know until we’ve tried them all, so we’re going to have to come back. Maybe next year, when I can eat again.”
I laughed, but my heart warmed when he said we’d have to come back. Even as a joke, talking about next year sure didn’t seem like he was planning on going back on what he’d said in the truck about me and Emery.
“Before next year comes around, do you think we can finish
talking about this thing with your dad?” Today was a day of clearing the air between us. By the time we got home, I wanted there to be no more things we needed to work out between us.
He sighed, running his hand through his shaggy hair. “What more is there to say? You already know he had me doing him favors the other day, even though he’s locked up. He’s still involved with whatever it was he was all involved with. I don’t even know how deep the rabbit hole goes.”
“He’s your father, though,” I pointed out, realizing I sounded like a hypocrite. “I mean he can’t be all bad, not if your brothers are trying to help him.”
“My eldest brother was one of the guys who put him away,” he said darkly and then released a heavy breath. “He wasn’t all bad. He was a good dad to us. Our childhood was a happy one. It’s only these last few years, we’ve been through a lot because of what he did.”
“I remember the trial. It must’ve been hell.”
“Nothing like what you’ve been through,” he told me. “But it wasn’t easy, that’s for sure. That’s one reason why I don’t want you involved with him or anyone who has anything to do with him. It’ll just keep coming, and these people are dangerous. My dad was a white-collar guy, but from what Sonny’s told me, the others can be violent. This Ken character… The rabbit hole is deep with him. We don’t even know how deep.”
“I’m still going to see what I can find,” I said. Whoever Ken was and whatever he was into, he needed to be stopped. If it helped their father, great. If it didn’t, great. All I knew was that he was a bad guy, and I had the opportunity to actually do something for once. To really help.
Evan bristled, frowning at me with a protective gleam in his eyes. He was going to keep fighting me on this. I could see it. “You can worry about me all you want, but I can handle it. I’ll be working with the police, and there’s security in the building. I’ll be fine.”
