by J. H. Croix
I’d slept with her a few times, given her a glimpse of life with my family, shimmied myself into her life, only to break this off a couple of months later. She was going to hate me and rightfully so.
But I would rather have her hate me than try to reach out to me. She had to stay as far away from me as humanly possible and stay there. Ken wasn’t playing games. He was one dangerous guy. If he thought Sadie and I were playing him and this wasn’t real, there would be hell to pay.
Still, she was going to hate me so damn much. No, she was going to detest me. And there would be no forgiveness after it was all said and done. The searing pain intensified. It blurred my vision and threatened to choke me, but I pushed on. I had to. “I can’t give you the commitment you want. This is over, Sadie. Please don’t contact me again.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Sadie
I blinked, staring at the phone after Evan hung up. Out loud, I muttered, “What just happened?”
The empty spaces in my room didn’t have any answers. My mattress dipped as I sat down on it, tossing my phone down next to me.
I lowered my head into my hands, realizing I was breathing way too fast. Too shallow. Blackness swam around the edges of my vision.
Needing to calm down, I forced myself to take deep breath after deep breath while I buried my face in my hands. Evan’s words replayed over and over again in my mind as I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block them out.
I can’t give you the commitment you want. This is over. I can’t see you anymore.
All words I had stupidly hoped I wouldn’t ever hear from him. My chest heaved on a dry sob. Dams of tears wanted to burst from deep inside me, but I wouldn’t let them.
How could I have been so stupid? Why would I ever have thought I meant anything to him, that he could get serious with me when no one else had managed to get him to settle down? I pulled at my hair, holding back a wave of tears.
The part of me that didn’t want to cry was furious. With myself. With Evan. He wouldn’t even explain why he was breaking up with me. I tried asking, but he ignored me and hung up.
I’d been having my doubts about him and about us, but I never would have broken up with him so abruptly and without explanation. Questions I would never get any answers to drifted like tumbleweeds in my head.
Maybe this was for the best. I was still too numb from shock to hurt, but once the pain set in, it was going to be crippling. That was why I thought it might be for the best that we were over now. I could get the pain over and done with and focus on my life with Emery.
The breakup would hurt for a little while. It was going to be bad, but eventually, I would emerge on the other side. Once I did, I would be stronger. More resilient. Emery and I still had each other, the only people we’d ever really had to rely on except for Lori.
I would never lose sight of that again. I would never be so stupid again. It was definitely for the best that he broke up with me now. I’d started to let myself hope for more, and Evan was never going to be the guy who gave me more.
He’d let me down. Badly. Not that I should’ve been surprised. Lori had warned me about him, about his reputation. It was naive to believe I was the woman who was different, that I would be the one to change him and make him want to get serious.
I wouldn’t make that mistake again. I would learn from this letdown, from the pain and the heartbreak. Before I could learn from it, though, I needed to get through it. And it wasn’t going to be easy. Lying back on my bed, I curled up and finally allowed some of the tears to break free.
A chasm of pain opened from my chest when the tears started rolling and reality set in. Evan let me down, and getting over it was going to be brutal.
Part Three
Shameless Southern Nights Novels
Chapter One
Evan
Thunder clapped outside the workshop. I jumped, hitting the back of my head against the hood of the car I was working under. “Fuuuuck.”
“That’s it, boss,” I heard Phoenix say somewhere behind me. “Let it all out.”
Twisting around, I found his rounded frame easy enough and glared at him. “I hit my head.”
“Yeah, but that ain’t why you’re cursing.” Pretending to buff his nails on his grease-smeared white shirt, he pulled them away as if to admire his handiwork. “I’m no fancy therapist, but it seems to me you’ve been in a piss-poor mood all week. Ever since I stopped hearing about a certain beautiful former client of ours.”
A bit back a sigh. I didn’t need to be reminded of Sadie. It wasn’t like I could stop thinking about her even if I wanted to. “Fuck off,” I muttered.
Phoenix chuckled, lifting a hand to his unruly blond hair to muss it up more. “Seriously, dude. You’re like a bear with a broken toe going around growling and snapping at everyone. If you’re going to be such an ass about breaking up with her and moping all day and night, get back together with her.”
“I can’t,” I snapped. Running my hands along the side of the hood, I eased the lever free and lowered the hood. I wasn’t in the mood for this conversation, and Phoenix wasn’t going to let it go. “I broke up with her for a damned good reason. Not being with me is safer for her. I couldn’t put her at risk, and I still won’t, which is why I can’t go running back with apologies and my tail between my legs.”
“Are you kidding me?” Beau’s voice piped up right before I heard his footsteps as he came around the car. “You broke up with Sadie?”
I nodded, gritting my teeth. Great. Another fucking opinion I don’t need. “Last week, yeah.”
“So that’s why you’ve been such an ass all week.” Beau scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “I thought the stress was getting to you.”
Phoenix walked to the end of the car so the two were flanking me. Mischief flashed in his eyes as he flicked them to Beau. “Be careful what you say around him. He’s going to tell you to go fuck yourself or to fuck off within the next thirty seconds.”
I bit back those exact words, turning to my brother. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to check in since I haven’t seen you all week. Now I’m psychoanalyzing you instead.” He grinned at Phoenix, but I could see the worry in his eyes. “You broke up with Sadie because you thought she was safer without you?”
“She is safer without me,” I grumbled. “It was the best thing to do.”
Beau’s jaw dropped incredulously, his brows hitching up. “Better for who?”
“For her, asshole.” A clean rag lay on the workbench next to me. I grabbed it and wiped my fingerprints off the hood of the car I’d been working on, keeping my hands busy.
Tension bunched the muscles in my shoulders. I gripped the rag harder, wiping furiously at the grease. They were both right. I was in a piss-poor mood, and they were making it even worse. I didn’t need to contemplate why I’d broken up with Sadie. Phoenix seemed to catch my cues and sauntered off to work on a truck.
Beau eyed me, his brow furrowing. “You say you did it for her, but have you thought this through?”
I jerked my head in a nod, rolling my eyes at him. “Of course, I did. I didn’t spend the week in hell on a whim.”
Shoving one hand into the pocket of his jeans and the other into his hair, he came to lean against the car. His gaze held mine, narrowing with concern as if he was worried he needed to be gentle with me.
“Breaking up with her to keep her safe is ridiculous.” So much for gentle. I preferred it this way. Beau’s jaw flexed, his gaze hardening with anger. “If Ken’s going to use her as leverage, he’ll do it either way. All he needed was to know you cared about her. She doesn’t have to be your girlfriend for him to use her to get to you.”
“But—”
He held up a hand. “I know you think you did the right thing here, man, but you made a mistake. If you didn’t want to settle down with her, fine. Breaking up with her over this bullshit to keep her safe? That’s insane.”
Turning away from needlessly wiping i
nvisible grease off the hood, I tossed the rag aside. I wasn’t thrilled with my brother pushing me to second-guess my decisions.
Glaring at him, I pointed out the obvious. “She has a daughter, Beau. There’s a hell of a lot more to think about than whether I want to settle down with her or not. If Ken ever got to Emery…”
“That’s my point,” he said flatly, equally stubborn in his point of view. “By breaking up with her, you haven’t removed the targets from their backs. You’ve removed an obstacle for them to get to both Sadie and Emery.”
My nostrils flared, fear clenching like a fist around my heart. Ken had said if I stayed away, they would be safe. In my desperation to protect them, I never considered what Beau was saying. Leaving her alone was one possible outcome of my breaking up with her, but another was alienating me from her, so I wouldn’t be there to help if she needed me.
Beau watched me turn over what he said in my head and nodded. “Look, this kind of thinking isn’t what you and I are trained for. We could both be wrong. Talk to Sonny about it. He’d have a better idea what’s really going on.”
I sighed, shaking my head. “It’s already done, Beau. She’s gone. It’s already been a week.”
“Talk to Sonny,” he repeated, pushing away from the car. “Hear what his opinion is before you do anything, but if my vote counts, then here it is. Stop being an idiot and get back together with Sadie. You were happy with her, Ev. If you explain what you were thinking, she’ll understand you made a mistake and why. She’ll also understand that you’re you and likely to make a lot more mistakes.”
He chuckled as he said the last sentence, starting to walk backward to the door. “I have to go, but go talk to Sonny. Today.”
Spinning around, he tossed a wave over his shoulder. I called out after him, “Look who’s becoming a romantic in his old age.”
The wave turned into his middle finger as he kept walking out of my shop. When he was gone, I pressed my palms against the hood of the car, letting my head hang between them. With a muttered curse, I wondered if I’d made a mistake.
Beau had succeeded in getting into my head—big time. When I made the call to break things off with Sadie, I’d thought it was the only option I had. If I was wrong, though, if there was even the slightest chance Beau was right and all I’d done was leave Sadie and Emery as open targets, I had to fix it.
Lifting my head, I zeroed in on the clock above the counter. There was enough time. If I hurried, I would be able to catch Sonny before his shift started.
Sure enough, when I got to his place, his truck was still parked in their driveway. Niki’s car wasn’t there. As much as I loved my future sister-in-law, I was relieved she wouldn’t be around to hear this. Or to tell me what an idiot I’d been if it came down to that.
Sonny yanked the door open with a frown after I knocked. “Wha—”
The frown dropped, and he grinned when he saw it was me. “Sorry, I thought you were another salesman. We had a guy coming around a couple of minutes ago.” Eyes narrowing, he grimaced at the sight of me. “You look like shit. What’s going on?”
“Can we talk inside?”
He stepped back, gesturing me through the door, and I followed him to his kitchen. When I sat down on one of the stools, Sonny started making coffee without asking if I wanted any. He banged around in cupboards to get mugs and creamer out as we waited for there to be enough coffee in the pot as it dripped through.
“Are you going to tell me why you look like shit?” he asked, getting straight to the point.
Rubbing both hands over my hair, I leaned my head back into my palms. “I broke up with Sadie.”
Sonny widened his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “You what?”
“I broke up with her last week. Exactly a week ago today,” I admitted. A myriad of emotions passed over Sonny’s features, but he settled on confusion.
“Why?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Saying it out loud again was going to be harder than I thought thanks to Beau’s reaction. Asshole. “Remember when Ken kept popping up everywhere the last few weeks?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Last Friday, he paid me another visit. Earlier in the week, he insinuated to Sadie he knew about us. When he came to talk to me, eventually, he told me to break up with her if I didn’t want her to get hurt.”
Sonny straightened, his eyes narrowing and his jaw clenching. “And you listened to him?”
“Of course, I did,” I scoffed. “I have her and Emery to think about. She’s in this mess because of me. The least I could do was give her a leg up out of it.”
Anger flashed in Sonny’s eyes. The coffee maker beeped behind him, but he ignored it. “Why didn’t you say anything to me sooner?”
Sighing, I shook my head. I didn’t have a good enough answer. “Honestly? I didn’t want to have to deal with the fallout. I hoped by cutting things off with her, she would be taken care of and that I wouldn’t see Ken again.”
Sonny shook his head sharply. “Did you forget Jeremy and I have already dealt with threats like these? On more than one occasion and from more than one person? You’re an idiot if you think Ken’s going to back down that easy. These men aren’t going to stop until they get the money they’re after.”
“Fuck.” So Beau was right. “What do I do now?”
He lifted his dark brows. “I get why you thought breaking things off with Sadie would help, but it’s not likely that it will. All I have to say is if you care about her, you pulled a stupid move. I’m assuming you do care.”
I nodded. “No doubt about it.”
Spreading his arms out to his sides, he said, “If you love her, tell her. You fucked things up royally, but redemption isn’t impossible. Look at me, for example. I almost lost my shot with Niki because I didn’t let her know what she meant to me. Don’t lose your shot, Ev. You’re still in the game.”
It didn’t feel like I was, but I wasn’t going to give up. Sonny said if I loved her, I should tell her. I’d been avoiding asking or answering that question for myself, but the truth was, I did love her. Which meant all I had to do now was to tell her.
Sonny poured coffee for both of us, and we chatted a bit more. I couldn’t say why—perhaps my reticence to let anyone matter after everything that had gone down for our family—but I’d been avoiding labeling my feelings for Sadie. She meant a hell of a lot to me. I missed her so much, it was a visceral ache, but I hadn’t given those feelings a name. Sonny barreling straight at it had somehow pushed me past tiptoeing around my feelings.
I loved Sadie. Telling her, however, proved not to be as easy as I thought. I tried calling her, but she didn’t pick up.
A shiver of apprehension ran through me. My brothers were convinced she would understand I fucked up and give me another chance. I hoped like hell they were right.
Chapter Two
Sadie
“Stupid. Freaking. Pillow,” I muttered. Each word was punctuated with a punch to the offending object that felt like a rock beneath my head. Flipping onto my back, I still couldn’t get comfortable.
Sliding my eyes to the clock on my nightstand, I realized it was hours before Emery would be up. I hadn’t slept well all week, and despite my burning eyes and the exhaustion dragging my body deeper into the mattress, I wasn’t going to get back to sleep this morning.
Lifting my head, I then let it drop back to my pillow and repeated the motion three times. A soft groan fell from my lips. I was so freaking tired.
Closing my eyes, I dug the heels of my hands into them and tried to soothe the burning. It didn’t work. I needed sleep, but it was elusive this week. Since Evan had called to break up with me out of the blue, I hadn’t been able to sleep properly.
It pissed me off. He was the one who’d broken his promise never to lead me on. He was the one who’d walked away when we were finally starting to feel like a real couple. He was the one who wouldn’t even explain why he didn’t want to see me anymore.
S
o why I was the one tossing and turning at night, unable to sleep? Surely it should’ve been him, riddled by guilt over how he’d misled me.
I sighed. Chances were, he didn’t even feel guilty about ripping my heart out and laughing about it. Although I’d let myself start to believe in the fairy tale dream I’d never even considered before—that I might have a chance at feeling like part of a family with someone, that Emery might have someone she could look to as a father—Evan had never promised me anything, much less commitment.
I was the one who had built these fantasies in my head about a future with him and Emery. For that reason, I was now the one suffering. And feeling like a complete and total idiot for missing Evan so much. When I closed my eyes, I saw his face. As soon as I woke up in the morning, I reached for him on instinct.
The last few weeks of our relationship, we’d spent more time than ever sleeping next to each other. Without his warm, hard body next to mine in bed, it was like my own body went on strike. It demanded he be there, or we wouldn’t sleep well.
This was why I was angry with myself for falling for him. I knew. I freaking knew it was going to end this way. No matter how sweet and charming Evan had been, I had forgotten the cold reality—I couldn’t trust any man. My father had taught me that at a young age, and Emery’s dad had reinforced that lesson. Why I thought Evan freaking Lovett was going to be any different was beyond me.
I never should’ve let him into my life, my bed, or my heart. The men in my life had always done nothing but hurt me. My father did it physically, mentally, and emotionally every opportunity he got, and he’d been a man hardwired by DNA to love me.
Emery’s father didn’t even care enough to call. Sure, my calls never went through to him, but I knew he got the messages. Our campus was only so big, and there was plenty of gossip.
