by S. Walden
“Yeah?” I shouted. “It’s not fair that I have to be a woman and go through this crap every month!”
I thought that was a nice touch.
I didn’t hear any more voices in the hallway. I did hear my family pile into Dad’s SUV and pull out of the driveway, and I immediately turned off the heating pad and flung it on the floor. I breathed deeply, lying on my bed spread eagled to cool down. I was sweating, my hairline beaded and underarms soaked.
Just then my phone beeped. I grabbed it from the nightstand.
Mark: Cadence? Will I see you today at church?
I debated replying. The mature woman in me said not to because I would end up typing something I’d regret, but the immature seventeen-year-old said to let him have it.
Me: No.
Mark: Oh. That’s disappointing. I was hoping to see you today.
Me: Why?
Mark: ?
Me: I mean, I just figured your new girlfriend would keep you company.
There was a brief pause. I thought he might not respond at all.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Me: I’m talking about the woman you were on a date with last night.
Another pause.
Me: That’s right. I was there last night. I saw you.
Mark: It’s not what you think, Cadence.
I could actually hear the condescension through the text.
Me: Don’t “Cadence” me. It was a flat-out date. I’m not a freaking idiot. But you’re an asshole!
Mark: Why don’t we talk instead of text?
Me: Go to hell.
Mark: Cadence? Will you please let me call you?
Me: Fuck. You.
Mark: Real mature.
Me: Don’t talk to me about—
My phone rang, automatically switching the screen to the caller, and since I was in the middle of typing, I accidentally answered.
“Cadence?”
“What?” I screamed.
“Please don’t hang up,” Mark said.
“I think you’re the biggest piece of shit on the planet! I can’t believe I ever trusted you! You’ve been dating girls behind my back this entire time! I knew there was a reason you didn’t wanna see me this weekend!”
I waited for his response. He took his time.
“Her name is Tiffany,” he said.
“I don’t give a shit!”
“She works with my mom, and without my knowledge, Mom set us up on a date. Once she told me, it was too late to back out. I would have looked like a jerk.”
“Why didn’t you tell your mom you were already dating someone?” I snapped.
“What do you want me to say, Cadence?” Mark asked. “You want me to tell my mom I’m dating one of my students who isn’t even a legal adult yet?”
I gasped. “You’re ashamed of me!”
“Cadence, I’m not ashamed of you. I’m practical. You knew from the beginning that we had to keep this a secret. At least until we’re finished with school.”
The rational side of my brain knew he was right, but the emotional side was hurt. And angry.
“You looked at her breasts!” I yelled.
“What?”
“I watched you look at her breasts after you made her laugh!”
“Are you for real right now?” Mark asked.
“Yeah, I’m ‘for real’ right now,” I spat. “And don’t try to deny it.”
“I won’t.”
I gasped again.
“I’m a 28-year-old man. I look at breasts. It’s biological. Sorry if that makes you mad.”
I wanted to come through the phone and strangle him.
“I’m not letting you touch mine anymore,” I hissed.
Mark snorted. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
“Actually, no. I’m not,” I snapped.
“Cadence? I think maybe we should talk later when you’ve calmed down.”
He might as well have said, “Let’s talk later when you’re not being an irrational, emotional female.” My anger escalated to fury.
“I am calmed down. I’m just fine, thank you very much. I was merely letting you know that you can forget about touching me intimately from now on because you don’t respect me enough to keep your eyes off other women,” I said.
Mark sighed. “All right, Cadence.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say that. I was expecting him to argue with me, to beg me to allow him to touch me. I’m seventeen. I wanted groveling, damnit!
“Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this anymore!” I screamed. “Maybe we shouldn’t be together!”
I held my breath, waiting for his response.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he replied, then hung up.
***
I doodled in my notebook while Mr. Connelly explained something about limits. I never looked at him once, and while I feared class time would be tricky and awkward, I discovered it was surprisingly boring. I didn’t expect him to beg for forgiveness in front of the entire class, and he didn’t expect me to make a scene. We were both wise. I felt very mature in that moment, having gained a massive amount of perspective the previous night. I had called Avery to ask her a few questions.
“Does Gavin look at other girls?” I asked.
“All the time. Why?” Avery replied.
“Doesn’t it make you jealous?” I asked.
“No.”
“That’s impossible, Avery. Not even a little?” I asked.
“Cadence, men look at other women. Their brains are designed that way. That’s how God made them. And there’s nothing wrong with it as long as they’re being faithful,” she said.
“Well, how do you know Gavin is faithful to you?” I asked.
“Because he’s a terrible liar. I would know in a second if he weren’t,” Avery replied. She paused for a moment. “Is Mystery Man taking a look at the menu?”
I grunted. “Just one item.”
“So why do you care? Does he want to be with that one item or with you?”
“I think with me,” I replied.
“Okay then. Stop being so insecure. He’s only doing what comes naturally.”
I shrugged. “I think that’s a lousy excuse.”
Avery huffed. “No. What’s lousy is berating men all the time for looking at women. Who gives a shit? If he loves you, he loves you. Case closed.”
I grunted. We had yet to exchange “I love you’s.”
“Does Mystery Man make you feel special?”
“Yes.”
“Does he make you feel beautiful and wanted?”
“Yes.”
“Then get over yourself. He’s probably already in love with you, and you’re worried about some woman who doesn’t even matter.”
“How are you so wise at eighteen?” I asked. I meant to be a little teasing, but she answered seriously.
“I read a lot of Cosmo and erotica,” Avery replied. “And the Bible. I read that, too.”
“Don’t be disrespectful,” I said.
“I’m not,” Avery huffed. “I do read the Bible, you little cunt. I just finished Galatians last night.”
I grinned, thinking about Avery using the words “Bible” and “cunt” in the same sentence when I was jolted back to the present by Mr. Connelly’s voice.
“Hmm?” I asked.
“I said that I’d like you to come to the board and work this problem,” Mr. Connelly replied.
I tensed immediately. He couldn’t be serious. He’d never before told a student to come to the white board. He always asked, never wanting to put a student on the spot. He thought it was a terrible practice. That’s what he told me. That’s what he told everybody in this room. I remembered. It was during the first week of school.
I shook my head.
“I didn’t ask, Cadence. And you need some practice anyway,” Mr. Connelly said.
Why was he doing this? Was he really so mad about our conversation yesterday? I’d gained perspective, and I was going to tell
him that, but he didn’t give me the chance.
“I don’t understand it,” I said, gripping the sides of my desk.
“I’ll walk you through it,” Mr. Connelly replied. He handed me his dry erase marker. “Come on.”
I slid out of my seat and walked to the board because that’s what you do. When a teacher tells you to do something, you do it. You don’t complain. You don’t argue. I already did that once and was yelled at because of it.
“Everyone, pay attention to Cadence, please,” Mr. Connelly said. He glanced at me briefly, and I know he could see the panic written all over my face. “All eyes on her.”
I stared ahead at the board. I had no idea what I was looking at. A bunch of numbers and lines and weird symbols that I was supposed to know. And letters. The dry erase marker was slick in my hand, and I thought it would slip out if I tried to write. I looked at Mr. Connelly expectantly.
“There’s no reason you can’t begin this problem, Cadence,” Mr. Connelly said. “The beginning isn’t even the hard part.”
I heard rustling behind me, like students shifting uneasily in their seats. The class knew that Mr. Connelly was picking on me. And they didn’t like it.
“Well?” Mr. Connelly asked.
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
“Um, Mr. Connelly? Maybe I could help Cadence?”
I turned around to see Jacob standing by his desk.
Jacob. He’d had a crush on me since seventh grade.
“Sit down, Jacob,” Mr. Connelly ordered. “Cadence needs to learn how to do this on her own.”
“I don’t know how to do it,” I repeated. My voice shook. My body shook. It was all over in a matter of seconds. I could feel it.
“What’s the limit, Cadence?” Mr. Connelly asked. “The limit. We’ve been reviewing it all year. Perhaps you need to pay more attention in class.”
I brought the marker to the board and wrote a number three.
“I’m not even sure what that means,” Mr. Connelly replied.
I erased the “3” and wrote a number five.
“Try again,” he sneered.
I erased the “5” and wrote a number I couldn’t even say out loud. All the way across the white board from left to right, and in the end, it was about 45 digits long.
I’d reached my limit.
Mr. Connelly glared at me before saying, “You come to tutoring twice a week, Cadence. That’s an extra four hours each week of instructional time. So why can’t you solve this problem like your classmates can?”
My eyes welled instantly. I placed the marker on the white board tray and walked to my desk. I saw the tears plop on to my open notebook. I closed it, gathered my books, and walked out of the room. I closed the door quietly, making sure it was shut securely before letting out a racking sob. I’d never been so humiliated in my life, not even when I stood in front of the judge for my sentencing. This was far worse because Mr. Connelly was supposed to care about me.
I walked to the girls’ bathroom and pulled out my cell phone. I opened my text messaging.
Me: I need to leave. Now.
Avery: What’s wrong?
Me: Really bad day.
Avery: Can you hang on until after fourth? I’ve got a test.
Me: Yes.
Avery: K.
I wiped the tears off my cell phone screen and placed my phone back in my bag. Then I cried for the rest of first period until the bell sounded.
“I have to tell you something,” I said, sitting beside Avery on a bench outside the auto shop where Gavin worked. He was getting off in fifteen minutes, and we planned to hang out at his place.
“Is this about Mystery Man?” she asked, licking her chocolate ice cream cone.
“Yes.”
“All right. Spill it, even though we’re totally breaking the rules. I still can’t believe I brought you here,” Avery said.
I couldn’t believe it either. Avery had kept me completely separate from her world with Gavin until today. I guess she felt sorry for me when she approached me at my locker after fourth period. I tried to hold it in, but I burst into tears immediately when I saw her. She grabbed my book bag and purse and led me out the side entrance of the building. I was surprised when she took me to the auto shop.
“Avery, you have to swear to God you won’t say a thing,” I said.
“Cadence. How long have we been doing this little arrangement?”
“A while.”
“And what have you learned about me in all that time?” she asked.
“Pretty much nothing,” I confessed.
“Exactly. If I don’t want people to know my business, then they don’t know it. And if I have a friend who shares her business with me and doesn’t want others to know it, then they’ll never know it,” Avery said. “Look at my boyfriend, for Pete’s sake. You think my parents know anything about him?”
I shook my head.
“Then relax. Your secrets are safe with me,” Avery said, biting into the rim of her cone.
“I’m seeing Mr. Connelly,” I blurted.
Avery dropped her ice cream cone. “Damnit, Cadence! A little warning!”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
She scowled at me and then looked at the ground. “Man, I don’t even know what to address first! I can’t . . . you’ve gotta . . . what the . . .? Look at my ice cream!”
I looked down at her feet.
“I really wanted to eat that!” She kicked the dirt-crusted cone.
“I’m sorry about your ice cream. I’ll buy you another.”
She looked at me again. “Cadence, I cannot believe you’re sleeping with your teacher!”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “First, I like how the ice cream won out. Second, we’re not having sex.”
“Yet.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not just a physical thing. I really like him. I . . . I think I might love him.”
“What about him?” Avery asked.
“I think he feels the same about me, but we got into an argument yesterday, and today he made fun of me in front of the class,” I said, feeling my eyes water again. “That’s why I needed to leave.”
“What a jerk,” Avery said.
I nodded.
“How did he make fun of you?” she asked.
I wiped under my eyes. “He made me go to the board to work a math problem he knew I didn’t understand.”
“Freaking ass! Why would he do that to you?”
“Because I told him we were over. Well sort of. I mean, I kind of left it hanging.”
“Ohh. So you made him angry,” Avery said.
“I guess,” I whispered.
“And if he had that kind of reaction, it means he really likes you and wants to be with you.”
“He humiliated me, Avery! How does that show me he likes me?”
“Cadence, men have pride. It’s like one of their main characteristics or something. And you hurt his. I’m not saying what he did was right, but at least it shows the amount of power you have over him. That’s got to make you feel slightly better, huh?”
I was confused. I didn’t think I had any power over Mark. And I certainly didn’t want our relationship to devolve into a power struggle. I didn’t know much about it, but I was certain a relationship like that wasn’t healthy.
“I don’t wanna talk about this anymore,” I said.
“Too bad. You’re in a relationship with your teacher. It needs to be discussed,” Avery replied.
I opened my mouth to protest, but she cut me off.
“Now, who initiated it?”
“For someone who doesn’t want me to know about her secret life, you sure are nosy about mine,” I said. “And he did.”
“How?”
“He gave me his handkerchief.”
Avery looked at me flatly. “His handkerchief? This guy sounds like a dork.”
I laughed again. “He’s not a dork,” I began, and then I spilled my guts to her. She listened the ent
ire time, interjecting here and there with questions as I explained his handkerchief, and the lunch he bought me, and the time he wiped my hands and face clean.
“Okay, that’s hot,” Avery said. “And I never thought anything involving a wet wipe could be hot. That man loves you, Cadence.”
My heart gave a jolt. “He does?”
“You cannot be that blind,” Avery said.
“If he loves me, then why did he treat me so badly in class this morning?”
Avery huffed. “Get a clue, girl! Love doesn’t mean you’re not gonna get mad sometimes. Or say hurtful things. Or do really stupid things. We’re human, hello? We’re not perfect.”
I looked down at my lap.
“Look at me,” Avery demanded, and I obeyed. “Cadence, you cannot be so naïve as to think that love is never gonna hurt or that relationships are always good all the time.”
“Of course I’m not!” I cried, offended. “But he humiliated me in front of the entire class!”
Avery nodded. “And I can guarantee you he feels like shit about it. He felt like shit as soon as he did it.”
I grunted.
“Just wait for the apology. It’s coming,” Avery said.
“It better be a good one,” I muttered.
Just then my cell phone rang. I pulled it out of my purse and looked at the screen. Mark. I ignored the call.
Avery eyed me curiously as I slid the phone back in my bag.
“What?” I asked.
“Just like a girl,” she said.
“Yeah, and guess what? You’re one, too,” I snapped.
“Oh, I don’t disagree. I ignore Gavin’s calls all the time. Even when I’m not mad at him,” she said, nudging me. I giggled.
“Okay, so why are you letting me meet Gavin?” I asked.
“Killing two birds with one stone,” she replied.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I’m being there for you emotionally and getting to see my man at the same time,” she said. “Plus, I thought it was high time you met him anyway. I figured eventually we’d have to start sharing a little bit about our secret lives.”
