by Terry Deary
The cupboard was bare
So the dog bit her leg.
Now old Mother Hubbard’s daughter was called Gretel and she had this red hood for riding. So she was known as Gretel Red Riding Hood. One day Old Mother Hubbard sent Gretel Red Riding Hood on an errand . . .
And off our heroine went to Granny’s cottage. Then the villain arrived. There’s always a villain in a pantomime. In this one it was evil Baron Stoneybroke and his nasty henchman, Helmut Hardknut.
But then handsome Prince Hansel came on the scene. He was in disguise of course. In fact he looked a lot like a woman, just as Old Mother Hubbard looked a lot like a man. Very confusing, pantomimes. Even more confusing was Gretel Red Riding Hood in the forest. With Helmut Hardknut disguised as a wolf to catch her the only help she had was from the talking trees . . . whoever heard of a talking tree? Gretel Red Riding Hood hadn’t at first!
And the panto ended with Old Mother Hubbard marrying Baron Stoneybroke, with Prince Hansel marrying Gretel Red Riding Hood . . .
and with Helmut Hardknut being arrested . . .
And of course everyone lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME
SEVEN GREEDY GNOMES
Of course Gneil wouldn’t go to a pantomime in case someone asked him to buy an ice-cream.
GNIGEL:
What’s Gneil’s favourite Christmas game?
GNORA:
Mean-opoly, of course!
GNORMAN:
Someone bought Gneil a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank.
GNELLIE:
Why did he do that?
GNORMAN:
He was trying to save time!
GNOCKER:
But he broke his clock, didn’t he?
GNANCY:
That’s right. He punched it.
GNOCKER:
Why did he do that?
GNANCY:
He said it was self-defence. He said the clock struck first!
Mind you, Gneil doesn’t like to be called “mean”. He says it all started with his dad . . .
GNEIL:
My dad was so mean he wouldn’t let me have a sledge. He told me to slide down the hill on my little brother.
GNELLIE:
And Gneil’s dad was too mean to pay for his swimming lessons. He just took Gneil down to the river and threw him in. It didn’t work. Gneil kept getting out of the sack.
But all of Gneil’s family are like that . . .
Gneil’s family have the tidiest weddings the North Pole has ever seen . . . that’s because all the confetti is on elastic.
Some carol singers called at Gneil’s house and said they were collecting for the local orphanage . . . so Gneil’s mum gave them a couple of orphans!
Gneil’s uncle was always burgling houses. He used to take a shower when he’d finished filling his sack with loot – so he could make a clean getaway!
He was once caught stealing a stop watch – but the judge gave him a second chance.
So that’s why Gneil is the way he is.
Gneil’s so mean that he has a lock on his dustbin.
Gneil’s so mean that when he takes l0p out of his purse the Queen blinks in the light.
Gneil’s so mean that he wakes up in the night to see if he’s lost any sleep.
Gneil’s so mean that when he left school he decided to be a baker . . . because he wanted to make lots of dough.
Gneil’s so mean that he once found a pair of crutches and broke both of his legs so that he could use them!
Now there are lots of stories about Gneil’s meanness. Like when he was at school . . .
TEACHER:
Tell me, Gnellie, if I have 20p and ask Gneil for another 30p how much will I have?
GNELLIE:
Please, miss, 20p!
TEACHER:
Gnellie, you don’t know your arithmetic.
GNELLIE:
Please, miss, you don’t know your Gneil!
Gneil bought the cheapest canoe he could get to paddle round the Arctic Sea. It was so cheap it had no heater. One day he was freezing cold so he broke off some of the wood at the front and started a little fire in the cockpit of his kayak. That warmed him up a bit so he broke off some more. Soon there was only half his kayak left . . . and the first wave that came along sank him. Father Christmas had to rescue him and gave him a good telling off.
“Let that be a lesson to you, Gneil!”
“I know, I know!” the poor gnome moaned. “Don’t tell me! I can’t half my kayak and heat it!”
One day Gneil went up to Father Christmas and said, “Tell me, Father Christmas, are you superstitious?”
“Not at all,” Father Christmas replied.
“Good,” Gneil said. “Then will you lend me £13 please?”
Gneil was always trying to borrow money, of course. But there was one time when he offered some . . .
One summer Father Christmas decided to go for a holiday in the Canary Islands. (He’d heard they were cheap!) He’d just finished packing the sledge when Gnellie told him that there was no snow in the Canary Islands. The sledge wouldn’t go!
“What shall I do?” Father Christmas asked.
“Well,” Gnellie replied, “my brother has a Porsche for sale . . .”
“I’ve got one on the front of my house,” Father Christmas said.
“No, Father Christmas, I said a Porsche, not a porch . . . it’s a car. Anyway, he’s selling it for twenty thousand pounds – it’s a bargain!” Gnellie explained.
So Father Christmas went to his piggy bank, broke it open and took out his money. “Oh, dear!” he moaned. “I’ve only got nineteen-thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-nine pounds and ninety pence! What shall I do?”
He dashed to the front door and saw Gneil walking down the road outside. “Gneil! Gneil!” Father Christmas cried. “Can you give me ten pence to buy a Porsche?”
Gneil’s greedy little eyes lit up! “Certainly, Father Christmas!” he grinned. “Here’s twenty pence – get me one too!”
ON THE EIGHTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME
EIGHT STUFFED TURKEYS
Christmas is a time for eating and drinking – even at the North Pole . . .
Father Christmas and the seven gnomes don’t have a turkey for Christmas, they have an octopus . . . it doesn’t taste half as nice, but at least everyone gets a leg!
To tell the truth, turkeys are a bit expensive. Father Christmas went to a butcher’s and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher, “Do you raise them yourself?”
“Of course I do,” the butcher replied. “They were only 50p a pound this morning!”
Gnigel’s mother bought a huge turkey. “That must have cost a fortune!” Gnigel cried. “Actually I got it for a poultry amount,” she said.
We’re usually too busy to cook our own Christmas dinner at that time of the year. We always end up eating at the “Greasy Penguin Cafe”. There’s a sign that says: “The Greasy Penguin – Eat Dirt Cheap” . . . but, as Gneil says, “Who wants to eat dirt?”
It’s in The Good Food Guide to Christmas Breakfasts by Egall Runney.
It’s also the only place in the North Pole where the dustbins have indigestion.
We always start with the soup . . .
FATHER
CHRISTMAS:
Waiter! Waiter! There’s a spider in my soup!
WAITER:
Sorry, sir, it’s the fly’s day off.
GNORMAN:
Waiter! Waiter! There’s a caterpillar on my Christmas dinner.
WAITER:
That’s all right, mate, caterpillars don’t eat much!
GNELLIE:
Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in the butter!
WAITER:
Yes, miss, it’s a butter
–fly.
GNORA:
Waiter! Waiter! Why is this biscuit crying?
WAITER:
Ah, miss, that’s ’cos its mum’s been a wafer too long.
GNANCY:
Waiter! Waiter! Can you make a sandwich spread?
WAITER:
Yeah! I’ll just sit on it.
GNEIL:
Waiter! Waiter! This soup’s expensive.
WAITER:
What do you expect? It’s 24 carrot soup!
GNOCKER:
Waiter! Waiter! These chicken legs have no knees!
WAITER:
Yes that’s because it’s a cock chicken. You’d have to go to London for the knees.
GNOCKER:
Why?
WAITER:
Because all the cock-knees are in London.
GNORMAN:
Waiter! Waiter! This turkey tastes like an old settee.
WAITER:
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
GNORMAN:
But it’s tough!
WAITER:
(Trying a piece) Tastes tender enough to me!
GNORMAN:
It should be! I’ve just chewed that bit for twenty minutes!
FATHER
CHRISTMAS:
I wanted a whole turkey. This one only has one leg!
WAITER:
Perhaps it’s been in a fight.
FATHER
CHRISTMAS:
Well take it back and bring the winner!
GNEIL:
Waiter! Waiter! This turkey’s disgusting!
WAITER:
Well, you asked for a foul roast, didn’t you?
GNANCY:
Waiter! Waiter! I’ll bet even a turkey wouldn’t drink the coffee here!
WAITER:
Of course not . . . it would go to a Nest-cafe.
GNORMAN:
This turkey’s fit for nothing.
WAITER:
A tur-key’s always good for something.
GNORMAN:
What?
WAITER:
Opening Turkish doors.
GNORA:
Waiter! Waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy!
WAITER:
And would you like some fast vegetables with it?
GNORA:
What are your fastest vegetables?
WAITER:
Runner beans, of course.
GNOCKER:
Waiter! Waiter! Bring me an omelette.
WAITER:
Would you like a French or a Spanish omelette?
GNOCKER:
I don’t mind . . . I want to eat it not talk to it!
GNEIL:
Waiter! Waiter! This lemon is damaged.
WAITER:
Don’t worry, it just needs some lemon-aid.
GNELLIE:
Waiter! Waiter! Is that policeman over there eating turkey?
WAITER:
No, madam . . . he’s eating truncheon meat.
GNORMAN:
Waiter! Waiter! Is that Eskimo over there eating turkey?
WAITER:
No, sir. Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber.
GNORMAN:
Well if I ate whale meat I’d blubber.
GNORA:
But where do they get whale meat from?
WAITER:
The fish-mongers, madam. They buy it by the ton.
GNORA:
But how do they weigh a whale?
WAITER:
I expect they take it to the whale-weigh station.
GNORMAN:
Waiter! Waiter! This stuffing is odd. It’s sausage meat at one end – but the other end is bread.
WAITER:
I know, sir. We’re short of money at the moment. The manager’s having trouble making both ends meat.
GNANCY:
Waiter! Waiter! I’d like Father Christmas stew.
WAITER:
Er . . . how do you make Father Christmas stew?
GNANCY:
You keep him waiting half an hour!
FATHER
CHRISTMAS:
Last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
WAITER:
That’s probably why the ocean’s full of currants!
GNOCKER:
But, waiter, what’s the best way to keep a pudding?
WAITER:
Don’t eat it.
GNELLIE:
Waiter! Waiter! Could you bring me some double cream for my pudding?
WAITER:
No double cream, sorry. Will two singles do?
GNORMAN:
Who made this Christmas pudding?
WAITER:
Our chef. He’s a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
GNORMAN:
What did he use to make it?
WAITER:
Elf-raising flour, of course.
GNIGEL:
Waiter! Waiter! Have you ever tasted turkey soup?
WAITER:
Turkey’s soup? I’ve never met a turkey who could cook! The only turkeys we had here had terrible manners.
GNIGEL:
They did?
WAITER:
Yes, sir. They used to gobble at the table.
If you want to see someone with real problems at Christmas, then look at a turkey . . .
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken.
And why did the one-eyed turkey cross the road?
To get to the Bird’s Eye shop.
What’s a turkey’s favourite television programme?
A duckumentary!
And three for afters . . .
How can you tell an owl’s wiser than a chicken? Well, did you ever hear of Kentucky Fried owl?
How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies, of course.
ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME
NINE CHRISTMAS PUZZLES
At the North Pole we seven gnomes fight over the Christmas puzzle books to see if we can catch one another out . . . everyone except Gnigel who sleeps under the bed because he’s a little potty . . . Anyway, see if you can work out the following puzzles.
Riddles
1. What travels over water, under water but doesn’t touch water?
2. How do you get down from an elephant?
3. If there are two flies in an airing cupboard, which one is in the army?
4. What is 96 years old, walks with a stick and lives at the North Pole?
5. What tool do you use to flatten a ghost?
Word-search
6. Find the word that describes Father Christmas when he can’t find his thermal knickers on Christmas morning.
7.
Spot the difference 1.
8.
Spot the difference 2.
Test your knowledge
9. General Knowledge: Name three foods that begin with ‘t’.
10. History: Where was Ann Boleyn beheaded?
11. Biology: What is the largest mouse in the world?
12. Mathematics: If 2’s company and 3’s a crowd what are 4 and 5?
13. Physics: What do you call a snowman with a sun tan?
14. Geography: Where was King Solomon’s temple?
15. Christmas: How many ‘A’ levels has Father Christmas got?
Test your brain power
16. What seven letters did Father Christmas say when he looked in Gnigel’s earhole?
17. What two letters did Father Christmas say when he looked at Gnora’s r
otten tooth?
18. What four letters did the hungry horse say?
Master-mind bender
19. Thirty days hath September, April, June and November, all the rest have thirty-one but . . . how many months have twenty-eight days?
AND NOW, CHECK YOUR ANSWERS . . .
Answers
Riddles:
1. A man on a bridge with a bucket of water on his head.
2. You don’t get down from an elephant – you get it from a swan.
3. The one on the tank.
4. A little cold lady.
